AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals

bdoll1982 · September 2011

HELP

Okay, so heres my drama, which I knew would happen. I am in the military. My BFF is back home, and I love her to absolute death, she is the closest thing to a sister I have. BUT she is extremely jealous of some of my local and military gal pals. Especially one.

This one friend helped me through my divorce, gave me and my children a place to live (we were stationed together), watched my children so I could fulfill my military requirements without having to send them all the way to grandmas. She just was all around there for me. And I was there for her through her pregnancy while her husband was deployed, attended her c-section and cut the cord, then helped her move 6 states over with a pre-scooler and a newborn all before he got home.

Now, my sister friend has voiced (repeatedly & loudly) that my friend can come to the wedding, but is not in the bridal party. UMMMM... EXCUSE ME. I was her MOH, she will be my MOH, but I had no say over the rest of her BP and she does not over mine. I never even said anything about the last minute decision that I share the MOH title (but funny enough, not the duties) with a cousin of hers. Because it was her wedding. Her show. I got it.

Well, my military friend is ALREADY in the BP. She will be a BM. I'm not sure what there is that my sister doesn't understand, or how I can explain it any more clearly. As MOH, she is effectively dismissing my BM, and refuses to contact or even acknowledge the girl.

HELP! I still have 18 months to go!!!

kyrgyzstan · September 2011

Your friend is nuts. She sounds selfish, and your wedding is about you and your FI, and the people you both love, which clearly includes your military friend.

calindi · September 2011

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your 'sister friend'. It sounds like she's jealous and might feel like she's losing you, but she also needs to know where the boundaries lie. She cannot tell you who your friends are and who will be in your wedding party - that's disrespectful to you. I'd try to be sympathetic, but I'd be really direct - "Look, Sister Friend, I know we've been close friends for a very long time. We've been through so much that no one can ever take from us. I greatly value our friendship, and will always value our friendship. It's something very special to me. However, that doesn't mean I won't have other friends. Military Friend doesn't replace you in any way or form, and I'd never want that. But she fills a different need in my life, so I need you both. It really hurts me that you feel like you need to push her away to keep me as a friend - that's not the case at all. It would mean a lot to me, as my Maid-of-Honor, if you try to get to know her and at least be nice to her while she's a bridesmaid. I'm not asking you to be friends with her, though I'm hoping you both get along really well once you get to know each other. But based on our long friendship, I hope you'll do that as a favor for me during my wedding."

That's approach #1. If she continues causing a fuss, then I'd be a bit more blunt. I'd tell her that you value her friendship, but that if she continues feeling the need to try to push your other friends away, you just aren't sure that you'll be able to trust her as you once did. If she's a grown-up, then it won't take a 3rd attempt - if it does, then you are very blunt. "You are my Maid-of-Honor for a reason. My oldest friend, and the closest thing I have to a sister. She is my bridesmaid for a reason - she's been there for me and supported me through a lot. And let me be clear - she WILL be a bridesmaid. It is your choice if you can get along with her or not. It is your choice to be Maid of Honor or not. If you cannot get past whatever issues you have to at least be civil to her while you are both part of my bridal party, then you aren't who I thought you were and I'm not sure how this will affect our relationship going forward."

LetsHikeToday · September 2011

Wait- is your BFF your sister? Pick who you want. Don't even worry about it.

KendallR10 · September 2011

Sorry but your wedding is not about her. Its about you and FI. If your friend can't understand that then it might be time to cut ties. Its not her choice who you have standing next to you when you say "I do." I wonder if this is the start of something more in your relationship with her.

I had something like this happen with my former MOH. We are no longer friends

calindi · September 2011

Also, per Kendall's example, it seems to be too late but you really shouldn't invite bridal party this far out. It just seems to cause drama. Spend five minutes on the "Moms & Maids" page and you'll find 2500 examples of drama and ruined friendships caused by picking the bridal party too early.

And all this is a very good example of why I refused to have bridesmaids. I just wasn't playing with that ridiculousness. I know lots of people have a wonderful experience, but I've heard way too many horror stories to do that to myself and my closest friends!

KendallR10 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ad-brides-childhood-friends-vs-military-pals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b13ea5db-b602-41f0-93e8-74e99bad14b6Post:0ff306c2-b333-4ce0-9efb-107edc61fd2c">Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, per Kendall's example, it seems to be too late but you really shouldn't invite bridal party this far out. It just seems to cause drama. Spend five minutes on the "Moms & Maids" page and you'll find 2500 examples of drama and ruined friendships caused by picking the bridal party too early. And all this is a very good example of why I refused to have bridesmaids. I just wasn't playing with that ridiculousness. I know lots of people have a wonderful experience, but I've heard way too many horror stories to do that to myself and my closest friends!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
She was the only one I had picked but its not the complete reason we aren't friends.<div>
</div><div>I was the</div><div>date freak out (She couldn't drink)</div><div>The place we weren't getting our cake</div><div>her dating my ex</div><div>her calling my friend/Bm (She hasn't been asked yet) ugly</div><div>And to top it off... the druggies she was hanging out with</div>

bdoll1982 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ad-brides-childhood-friends-vs-military-pals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b13ea5db-b602-41f0-93e8-74e99bad14b6Post:896069e8-4e44-4591-a907-f42624a73aee">Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait- is your BFF your sister? Pick who you want. Don't even worry about it.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

No, my BFF/MOH is like a sister to me, as I dont have any biological ones. We have been friends since training bra days. Ive been in the service 10 years now, and this is an ongoing theme, her jealousy that is. We are in our 30s, this is my second marriage, first wedding. I know she feels left out, and I really think its the fact that I attended the birth of the BMs baby, and missed all of hers, that causes her to feel so strongly about this friend in particular. I have another military friend acting as a BM whom my MOH has no qualms with.

SamiJoeB · September 2011

My former BFF and I don't even speak because she didn't support my marriage and voiced that opinion whenever she could and I just stopped speaking to her. I warned her once (we're both adults, I thought that would be enough). Clearly, I was able to get married just fine without her. Did I miss her? yes. Do I still, absolutely. I've thought about reconnecting with her, but I feel like we will have nothing in common anymore.

It is really far out to have already picked and asked a BP.. but dude.. it's your wedding. You're allowed to have who ever you want in your bridal party. If I were you, I would tell her nicely once that your military pal is a BM and she should be included in whatever your MOH is planning (though 18 months out I'm having a hard time understand just what that might be), or else, your military pal can be your MOH. That's just what I would do.. but then again I clearly don't have any problems cutting people out of my life.

ggirl2001 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ad-brides-childhood-friends-vs-military-pals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b13ea5db-b602-41f0-93e8-74e99bad14b6Post:0ff306c2-b333-4ce0-9efb-107edc61fd2c">Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, per Kendall's example, it seems to be too late but you really shouldn't invite bridal party this far out. It just seems to cause drama. Spend five minutes on the "Moms & Maids" page and you'll find 2500 examples of drama and ruined friendships caused by picking the bridal party too early. And all this is a very good example of why I refused to have bridesmaids. I just wasn't playing with that ridiculousness. I know lots of people have a wonderful experience, but I've heard way too many horror stories to do that to myself and my closest friends!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
I get the whole not picking the bridal party early thing, but at the same time, I get OP's point of view. This is a girl she has probably been friends for such a long time that it probably even didn't seem a question to not have her, ya know? For example, my sister knew she was going to be my MOH, it was not a question, and I never even asked her. Same with my BFF, she knew she was going to be as well. I knew they wouldn't start drama, (they didn't), although I was super sad that my BFF ended up not being able to come, but that was something beyond her control.

I guess what I'm trying to say that I don't think people should pick their entire bridal party early, but only that person knows their friends and such. I often wonder that people who end up having major issues with their BP (not talking about you OP) have a lot of other friend issues besides what's going on in the wedding.

Back to OP-ditto all other PP's. This is your wedding, and you will be not be a bridezilla if you tell BFF that your other BFF is going to be in the wedding and she cannot dictate who is in it. Hopefully she will come to her senses, or share with you what is really bothering, such as maybe she does feel that you aren't as close anymore, etc.

bdoll1982 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ad-brides-childhood-friends-vs-military-pals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b13ea5db-b602-41f0-93e8-74e99bad14b6Post:0ff306c2-b333-4ce0-9efb-107edc61fd2c">Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, per Kendall's example, it seems to be too late but you really shouldn't invite bridal party this far out. It just seems to cause drama. Spend five minutes on the "Moms & Maids" page and you'll find 2500 examples of drama and ruined friendships caused by picking the bridal party too early. And all this is a very good example of why I refused to have bridesmaids. I just wasn't playing with that ridiculousness. I know lots of people have a wonderful experience, but I've heard way too many horror stories to do that to myself and my closest friends!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Yes, well my BP is really small (2 BMs/ 1 MOH), and they all always knew they would be BM/MOH before there even was a wedding, based on the strength of our friendships (2 Battle Buddies and the one since-childhood friend). Its kind of an unspoken, no brainer thing.

My MOH has actually been making these kind of snarky comments about the one BM long before the engagement. I just want to nip it in the bud now, because Im not changing anything for anyone. BM even offered to step down and only attend, because she has long been aware of the animosity, but I refuse.

ggirl2001 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ad-brides-childhood-friends-vs-military-pals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b13ea5db-b602-41f0-93e8-74e99bad14b6Post:3c3e9dbe-6c70-4a3f-803e-091cfa442b5e">Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals : Yes, well my BP is really small (2 BMs/ 1 MOH), and they all always knew they would be BM/MOH before there even was a wedding, based on the strength of our friendships (2 Battle Buddies and the one since-childhood friend). Its kind of an unspoken, no brainer thing. My MOH has actually been making these kind of snarky comments about the one BM long before the engagement. I just want to nip it in the bud now, because Im not changing anything for anyone. BM even offered to step down and only attend, because she has long been aware of the animosity, but I refuse.
Posted by bdoll1982[/QUOTE]
I would definitely sit down and have a heart to heart with MOH. She might not realize how often she is doing it, or how detrimental it is being to your relationship, or even how jealous she is. I know that sounds hard to believe, but it is possible that she has convinced herself that she is in the right, and isn't jealous.

bdoll1982 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ad-brides-childhood-friends-vs-military-pals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b13ea5db-b602-41f0-93e8-74e99bad14b6Post:32d19461-1c9d-478c-8de7-16a37998e3cd">Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals : I get the whole not picking the bridal party early thing, but at the same time, I get OP's point of view. This is a girl she has probably been friends for such a long time that it probably even didn't seem a question to not have her, ya know? For example, my sister knew she was going to be my MOH, it was not a question, and I never even asked her. Same with my BFF, she knew she was going to be as well. I knew they wouldn't start drama, (they didn't), although I was super sad that my BFF ended up not being able to come, but that was something beyond her control. I guess what I'm trying to say that I don't think people should pick their entire bridal party early, but only that person knows their friends and such. I often wonder that people who end up having major issues with their BP (not talking about you OP) have a lot of other friend issues besides what's going on in the wedding. Back to OP-ditto all other PP's. This is your wedding, and you will be not be a bridezilla if you tell BFF that your other BFF is going to be in the wedding and she cannot dictate who is in it. Hopefully she will come to her senses, or share with you what is really bothering, such as maybe she does feel that you aren't as close anymore, etc.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

EXACTLY- it wasnt a matter of informing anyone they were in the BP- I have three women who have been such integral parts of my life, they are my BMs/MOH, no questions asked. I know who my friends are and theyve been around for quite some time.
Like I stated previously, the animosity has been ongoing for several years, and I am just not going to allow it to be a factor during my wedding planning process.

bdoll1982 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ad-brides-childhood-friends-vs-military-pals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b13ea5db-b602-41f0-93e8-74e99bad14b6Post:207510ac-3407-4b48-ad89-1c02bdd4c391">Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals</a>:
[QUOTE]My former BFF and I don't even speak because she didn't support my marriage and voiced that opinion whenever she could and I just stopped speaking to her. I warned her once (we're both adults, I thought that would be enough). Clearly, I was able to get married just fine without her. Did I miss her? yes. Do I still, absolutely. I've thought about reconnecting with her, but I feel like we will have nothing in common anymore. It is really far out to have already picked and asked a BP.. but dude.. it's your wedding. You're allowed to have who ever you want in your bridal party. If I were you, I would tell her nicely once that your military pal is a BM and she should be included in whatever your MOH is planning (though 18 months out I'm having a hard time understand just what that might be), or else, your military pal can be your MOH. That's just what I would do.. but then again I clearly don't have any problems cutting people out of my life.
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

Im not at the cutting people point by far, eventually she will have to suck it up and bite her tongue because I will not tolerate disrespect, but Im also not going to lose 20 years of friendship.

As for planning 18 months out, FI and I are both career military, and from huge military families, which means we have to take into consideration our guests flying in from around the country and around the world for our wedding. Every member of our BP alone is coming in from a different state, our family from 14+ (I stopped counting), and various friends around the globe for this. 18 months does not seem like enough time, but my theme for the wedding is "woosah" I refuse to be rushed or stressed out when I marry the man God created me for.

bdoll1982 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ad-brides-childhood-friends-vs-military-pals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b13ea5db-b602-41f0-93e8-74e99bad14b6Post:d7ec78ea-35c7-4b69-9973-c6d5f4a2354e">Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals : I would definitely sit down and have a heart to heart with MOH. She might not realize how often she is doing it, or how detrimental it is being to your relationship, or even how jealous she is. I know that sounds hard to believe, but it is possible that she has convinced herself that she is in the right, and isn't jealous.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

I know, and Im probably overreacting, she isnt the type of person to be overtly or blatantly mean, (just snobby and standoffish- I know my BFF), but I dont want to hear about it either. Its really a non factor at this point, the only reason I even felt the need to vent here is because MOH keeps dropping nasty comments in our convos...

ggirl2001 · September 2011

Next time she does it say something along the lines of, It really bothers me when you are mean about my friend. She has been a good friend to me, like you have, and I would appreciate it that you stop the comments. It hurts me that you think so little about her and feel the need to be mean.

Avion22 · September 2011

I agree with what everyone else has said. You should pick your own bridal party based on who YOU want and who means the most to you.

However, with 18 months to go, maybe you should wait until you are closer to name specific members of the BP? A LOT can change in that time. A lot of brides on this site end up having drama between the time they ask girls to be in the BP, and the actual wedding, which usually results in hurt feelings and people being "kicked out" of the wedding.

So if it's not too late, maybe if anyone asks you, just say something like, "Oh, it's such a long way off still, I haven't decided yet."

AD Brides- childhood friends vs. military pals

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