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Wedding Woes

crazy selfish bridesmaid--advice?

It's a little long but please read and tell me what you would do...

So my one bridesmaid has been high maintenance--"I can't have an updo, it makes my head hurt...", "can I have my own stylist do my hair (an a hour and half away) and just show up in time for pictures?" I have been fairly accommodating of these requests even though I wanted to tell her no.

She skipped the bachelorette party and left the bridal shower early because she "had to write a paper for class."

Yesterday I sent all the girls a thank-you email (I'll still send proper cards as well) for the bach. party and shower and sent an updated wedding timeline (it's less than 6 weeks away now). It included a mention of taking pics at 1 outside for a few hours.

She wrote back and said, "if there's any way to reduce sun exposure between 1 and 3pm, that would be greatly appreciated" as she doesn't want to get sunscreen on her dress. She also felt the wedding wouldn't be fun if we all were burned and sweaty. She mentioned that she knew she sounded whiny but decided to risk potentially making me angry anyway.

Thoughts? I am so stressed out over this girl being a pain! My other girls say I should tell her to put on her big girl panties and get over it already....

I am trying to decide whether to call her or email to say that if she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, she can back out and I won't be offended, as it's clearly stressing her out. I also intend to tell her that her selfish requests are crossing the line--it's OUR wedding and why would I move my pictures indoors or change the time because SHE doesn't want to get burned? (I'll be wearing sunscreen, and she should too...I just don't know why every single thing is such a huge fuss with her!)

So, call or email? If I call, she might insist she still wants to be a bridesmaid. If I email, maybe she'll think about it and decide not to be. I don't want to lose our friendship over this but I cannot have her at my wedding annoying the hell out of me and with a puss on her face all day because she had to stand in the sun for some pictures.
 
Thanks ladies!

Re: crazy selfish bridesmaid--advice?

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-selfish-bridesmaid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1627c85e-f952-476f-ad73-95b4d0c4e23aPost:be019db9-6805-40a1-8248-29343cc1d75f">crazy selfish bridesmaid--advice?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's a little long but please read and tell me what you would do... So my one bridesmaid has been high maintenance--"I can't have an updo, it makes my head hurt...", "can I have my own stylist do my hair (an a hour and half away) and just show up in time for pictures?" I have been fairly accommodating of these requests even though I wanted to tell her no. <div>
    </div><div>She skipped the bachelorette party and left the bridal shower early because she "had to write a paper for class."<strong> <Oh HELL no. How DARE SHE not be willing to fail a class to be in your bridal party! What a hobag! Doesn't she know when she agrees to be in a wedding party she's required to do whatever necessary, even if it means failing classes? </strong>Yesterday I sent all the girls a thank-you email (I'll still send proper cards as well) for the bach. party and shower and sent an updated wedding timeline (it's less than 6 weeks away now). It included a mention of taking pics at 1 outside for a few hours. </div><div>
    </div><div>She wrote back and said, "if there's any way to reduce sun exposure between 1 and 3pm, that would be greatly appreciated" as she doesn't want to get sunscreen on her dress. She also felt the wedding wouldn't be fun if we all were burned and sweaty. <strong><Clearly she's nuts. Who wouldn't want to spend two hours in the hot sunshine getting burned and possibly giving themselves cancer? Again, doesn't she know that when she agreed to be a bridesmaid she's required to do anything necessary, even if it means melanoma?</strong> She mentioned that she knew she sounded whiny but decided to risk potentially making me angry anyway.</div><div>
    </div><div> Thoughts?</div><div>
    </div><div> I am so stressed out over this girl being a pain! My other girls say I should tell her to put on her big girl panties and get over it already.... I am trying to decide whether to call her or email to say that if she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, she can back out and I won't be offended, as it's clearly stressing her out. I also intend to tell her that her selfish requests are crossing the line--it's OUR wedding and why would I move my pictures indoors or change the time because SHE doesn't want to get burned? (I'll be wearing sunscreen, and she should too...I just don't know why every single thing is such a huge fuss with her!) So, call or email? If I call, she might insist she still wants to be a bridesmaid. If I email, maybe she'll think about it and decide not to be. I don't want to lose our friendship over this but I cannot have her at my wedding annoying the hell out of me and with a puss on her face all day because she had to stand in the sun for some pictures.   Thanks ladies!
    Posted by dainish[/QUOTE]

    </div><div>Tell her she's out of the wedding party. She'll thank you for it. </div>
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    No, she's not selfish, you are.

    Her life does not begin and end with your wedding.  She has a life outside of it.  She's also a grown up and can make decisions on how she wants her hair done and by whom. 

    She showed up for your shower.  You're whining because she didn't stay for as long as you wanted her to?  She had a valid reason for leaving.  Your wedding is one day.  Her education is important to rest of her life and possible career path. 

    And taking pics outside for a few hours? Really?  I would be concerned out sun exposure too.  I burn pretty easily and agree, if it's going to be warm, you will sweat and it's no fun to be stinky and sweaty through the whole reception.

    Get over yourself.
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    neither.  say it to her face.  and be prepared for the friendship to end.

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  • edited December 2011
    Why are you letting this chick work your nerves? I say ignore the crazy, and go on with your plans.
    image
  • LnR70707LnR70707 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    2 hours outside in June??  Your BM is right. 

    I had a friend do that.  She ended up passing out on the alter from heat exhaustion in her dress.  While we all found it hilarious because she brought it on herself, you probably want to rethink that.

    Also, no one should be wearing sunscreen in your formal pics...it will reflect the flash and you'll all look awful.  HTH!
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  • edited December 2011
    I've been in four wedding, and two were in La in the summer. IT WAS HOT!!!!

    I would have wished they would have picked another time, but I just sweated my butt off, and ran into the air as soon as I could. I felt worse for the men, to tell you the truth.
    image
  • dainishdainish member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have agreed to every request of hers. Perhaps that was not clear from my whiny post.

    I told her to wear her hair down, or half up, or however she wanted.

    I told her she could show up at 1 for pictures and skip getting ready with the other girls.

    I told her it was fine to skip the bachelorette party and I understood if she couldn't make it.

    I told her it was fine to leave the shower early for her paper.

    None of the other girls have asked anything similar, and I have not been demanding. I let them pick the bridesmaid dresses, the color, and the shoes. I am getting them gifts and mani/pedis. I am extremely thankful for their time and support.

    I cannot change the picture time because it's the time the photographer is coming based on the time of the rehearsal and the ketubah signing and the ceremony. I did not decide I wanted them all to fry in the sun for my photographs. We will not even be outside before 2pm, and I will bring them all sunscreen. I did not specifically choose this time for the photographs.

    I asked her to be a bridesmaid because she's a good friend and I love her, and I wanted her to be with me on my wedding day, having fun getting ready. I am sad that she keeps trying to skip things and rearrange things. And I still think it's selfish to ask a bride to move where the photos are being taken. Certainly she can go inside when she's not in the photos. There are trees and shade and a gazebo. It's not like we'll be on the beach or in a field in direct sunlight for 4 hours getting melanoma. We specifically selected this venue because we wanted to get married and take pictures outside.

    And all of you jumping down my throat rather than perhaps simply asking if I was being the selfish one is why I should never have posted a question on the knot. Thanks to those of you who did not verbally attack me for asking for help. I will stick to weddingbee where the brides are not this snarky. Thanks to those of you who offered help instead of insults.

  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    let her skip whatever.  it's her loss. 

    gah, weddingbee is annoying.  it should be called weddingbeebee.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    Posting a question on the Knot doesnt' mean you're not selfish. It means you're horribly selfish and looking for other brides to validate your selfishness. No one needs to ask you if you're being selfish; we can tell already.

    Leave the girl alone. If she makes requests you don't want to accomodate, just tell her no. You don't have to turn this into an episode of The Hills.
    ..
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-selfish-bridesmaid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1627c85e-f952-476f-ad73-95b4d0c4e23aPost:446b35e4-2085-4638-a2c1-83d8df4f6970">Re: crazy selfish bridesmaid--advice?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have agreed to every request of hers. Perhaps that was not clear from my whiny post. I told her to wear her hair down, or half up, or however she wanted. I told her she could show up at 1 for pictures and skip getting ready with the other girls. I told her it was fine to skip the bachelorette party and I understood if she couldn't make it. I told her it was fine to leave the shower early for her paper. None of the other girls have asked anything similar, and I have not been demanding. I let them pick the bridesmaid dresses, the color, and the shoes. I am getting them gifts and mani/pedis. I am extremely thankful for their time and support. I cannot change the picture time because it's the time the photographer is coming based on the time of the rehearsal and the ketubah signing and the ceremony. I did not decide I wanted them all to fry in the sun for my photographs. We will not even be outside before 2pm, and I will bring them all sunscreen. I did not specifically choose this time for the photographs. I asked her to be a bridesmaid because she's a good friend and I love her, and I wanted her to be with me on my wedding day, having fun getting ready. I am sad that she keeps trying to skip things and rearrange things. And I still think it's selfish to ask a bride to move where the photos are being taken. Certainly she can go inside when she's not in the photos. There are trees and shade and a gazebo. It's not like we'll be on the beach or in a field in direct sunlight for 4 hours getting melanoma. We specifically selected this venue because we wanted to get married and take pictures outside. And all of you jumping down my throat rather than perhaps simply asking if I was being the selfish one is why I should never have posted a question on the knot. Thanks to those of you who did not verbally attack me for asking for help. I will stick to weddingbee where the brides are not this snarky. Thanks to those of you who offered help instead of insults.
    Posted by dainish[/QUOTE]



    What's wrong with an adult choosing how to wear her hair? She didn't ask you to pay for the 'do or transportation.

    She doesn't need your permission to leave early. She was going to write a paper. Not go to a club! Why are you even complaining about that if you understand why she had to leave?

    Maybe she doesn't want to get ready with the other girls. I wouldn't. Have you gotten ready with a group of women? It's not fun. No matter how much anyone fronts and acts like it's a great time.

    You and your Fi chose the venue because you wanted pretty pictures outside? Stand your asses out there in the midday sun and take pictures. Making others do it is unfair.
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
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  • edited December 2011
    wz-she was attempting to show a history of bad behavior.
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
    Photobucket
  • mrbiggles16mrbiggles16 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yikes...flashbacks to 7th grade and watching a girl get verbally attacked on the playground. What's next, Lindsay Lohan pushing Rachel McAdams under a bus?
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    regina wasn't pushed, idiot.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    Regina was an evil btch that everyone hated, and she deserved to be clobbered by the bus. The bus that she stepped in front of, BTW. 

    Analogy Fail.
    ..
  • mrbiggles16mrbiggles16 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I rest my case. 7th grade, on the internet. Emotional Maturity Fail. Adios.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-selfish-bridesmaid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1627c85e-f952-476f-ad73-95b4d0c4e23aPost:8d463f7a-758a-4ba5-afac-eaebd2705bf7">Re: crazy selfish bridesmaid--advice?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I rest my case. 7th grade, on the internet. Emotional Maturity Fail. Adios.
    Posted by mrbiggles16[/QUOTE]

    <div>Because mature people coddle someone who is obviously out of line. </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    And they weren't in 7th grade. Did you even watch Mean Girls?
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
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