Am I asking for too much??

JamieLeigh88 · June 2011

Hi fellow knotties! I'm hoping I can count on you for some wise words of wisdom because I have a dilemna! This is kind of a LONG story so please feel free to respond when you have the time. Here we go . . . .

So let me begin by saying that our original wedding date was suppose to be September of this year. But my FI and I decided to push it back to October 2012 and could not be happier with that decision!

Anyways this is about my bridesmaid, one in particular. Once we anncouned our engagement for our "first" wedding date, I immediately knew who I wanted my bridesmaids to be. 5 girls. We all got together one day to go to the store to pick out a bridesmaid dress. I told them I would let them pick whatever dress they wanted to wear as along as everyone got the same one. I was not going to buy this dress or wear it, so I felt they should all choose what they wanted to wear. One BM in particular is extremely into fasion. She felt there weren't enough options at the store so she wanted to see more. The girl at the store brought up the designers website and started showing all of them more options that could be sent at the store. They all decided on this one, and were happy to sign the contract for it right then and there! About 2 hours after the store visit I get a call from Joanne* (name changed due to privacy) the fashionable one, and she says she is extremely upset with the bridesmaid store visit and wants more options! she tells me that she cannot look like crap on my wedding day and needs to look her best. and she also complained about the price. so did Karla*. It was like they were tag teaming me about how unhappy they were! Karla and I got into a HUGE fight, one day she even called me and continued to SCREAM at me on the phone on how I wasn't willing to compromise and how much of a bridezilla I was being because the dress was SO expensive! but she never even told me she had reservations about money in the first place! Eventually Karla met up with me and told me she was sorry for acting like that and said she'd be with me on my side from here on out.
But Joanne never really seemed to apologize. I have not talked to her in about 2 months, (ever since I told her the date change) and I've tried contacting her to hang out, she even said she'd met up with me and my FI for drinks, but then never showed!

Bottom line, I don't know what to do about Joanne! I feel like I really don't want her apart of my bridal party anymore, but I don't know how to tell her that without her getting extremely mad at me, or me sounding like a terrible person. Because I know how she'll react. She will get EXTREMELY upset at me. I just don't know what to do!

ANY ADVICE is greatly appreciated!! Thank you!!

vicki0508 · June 2011

Well, you have plenty of time to sort this out.

Did you ask the BMs privately what they were comfortable spending on the dress? I think it would've been embarrassing for someone to speak up at the store in front of everyone else, saying she couldn't really afford that. Did they all purchase the dress (or give a downpayment or something) the day you were at the store?

To appease Joanne and Karla, I think you could just tell them a color, length, and fabric of dress and let them shop to their heart's content. That way Joanne gets something fashionable, and Karla gets something she can afford. In fairness, you should also give your other BMs this option. Finding one dress that all of your BMs like is a pretty tall order, if you expect them all to agree to it.

Since you pushed your date back, I think you should put the dress shopping on hold. There's absolutely no need for the BMs to purchase and store a dress this far out. Of course, if some of the BMs have already put down deposits or something, then this ship has sailed.

What exactly do you want Joanne to apologize for? She told you she doesn't like the dress. So?

JamieLeigh88 · June 2011

Well since they did put down deposits, and I did not want them storing a dress for so long, I gave them their deposits back. I just want Joanne to apologize for being such an ungratelful BM! This wedding is not about how she looks, it should be about how I look! I think the next time when it comes down to it, I am just going to pick the dress and hopefully they will be okay with it!

vicki0508 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-asking-much-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:926b3442-30af-4ed1-8941-0362efc6bfedPost:dfc0c1b6-799f-4fb7-ba06-c64f5e32dc37">Re: Am I asking for too much??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well since they did put down deposits, and I did not want them storing a dress for so long, I gave them their deposits back. I just want Joanne to apologize for being such an ungratelful BM! This wedding is not about how she looks, it should be about how I look! I think the next time when it comes down to it, I am just going to pick the dress and hopefully they will be okay with it!
Posted by JamieLeigh88[/QUOTE]
I think it was really generous of you to give them their deposits back. So, kudos for that!

However, Joanne isn't out of line in wanting to look nice for your wedding. She wants to wear something she'd be comfortable in, and maybe even something she'd wear again. So, voicing her opinion on the dress hardly makes her an "ungrateful BM."

I still think your best bet, this next time around would be to tell the girls a color, fabric, and length and let them pick their own dresses. But if matching BM dresses are important to you, make sure you ask them their budget, individually and privately, first. Then pick out a dress, and tell Joanne she can either take it or leave it. (Leaving it being not getting the dress and not being a BM.)

Viczaesar · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-asking-much-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:926b3442-30af-4ed1-8941-0362efc6bfedPost:dfc0c1b6-799f-4fb7-ba06-c64f5e32dc37">Re: Am I asking for too much??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well since they did put down deposits, and I did not want them storing a dress for so long, I gave them their deposits back. I just want Joanne to apologize for being such an ungratelful BM! This wedding is not about how she looks, it should be about how I look! I think the next time when it comes down to it, I am just going to pick the dress and hopefully they will be okay with it!
Posted by JamieLeigh88[/QUOTE]
That's a horrible attitude to have.

Kniblet · June 2011

[QUOTE]Well since they did put down deposits, and I did not want them storing a dress for so long, I gave them their deposits back. I just want Joanne to apologize for being such an ungratelful BM! This wedding is not about how she looks, it should be about how I look! I think the next time when it comes down to it, I am just going to pick the dress and hopefully they will be okay with it!
Posted by JamieLeigh88[/QUOTE]

I would hope that you want your friend to feel beautiful, no matter where she is and what she is doing. Yes, it's your wedding but she should not feel like a troll. You know? I wanted my girls to look and feel beautiful and they did.

DON'T just go pick a dress. Give them a fabric, color, and length and let them all get what is most comfortable. The problem that I have with matching dresses is that rarely does an entire BP look great in the same dress. Different body types and shapes and height can make a great dress on BM A and look terrible on BM B.

kmmssg · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-asking-much-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:926b3442-30af-4ed1-8941-0362efc6bfedPost:07718355-cdf6-4200-9b91-95a59c117d0a">Re: Am I asking for too much??</a>:
[QUOTE]I would hope that you want your friend to feel beautiful, no matter where she is and what she is doing. Yes, it's your wedding but she should not feel like a troll. You know? I wanted my girls to look and feel beautiful and they did. DON'T just go pick a dress. Give them a fabric, color, and length and let them all get what is most comfortable. The problem that I have with matching dresses is that rarely does an entire BP look great in the same dress. Different body types and shapes and height can make a great dress on BM A and look terrible on BM B.
Posted by Kniblet[/QUOTE]

This. If you lighten up on having identical dresses and give them the fabric, color, length, designer this will all go away.

peanutty2 · June 2011

I think it would of been better to talk budget with each girl seperately in private, she might of felt pressures to say okay to a dress in front of everyone even though it was pretty expensive. But then again, that was still her choice to say okay and I don't think she should of dumped it on you later on after putting down teh deposit. Also, while you of course want your girls to look their best too, she shouldn't of made it all about her finding the most fashionable best dress for her. I can see both sides on this. I think since you get this chance to start over you need to make the best of it now. I think you should sit down and talk to her, say your sorry if she felt pressured into a dress she didn't like or was too expensive and see what she says. I think your best bet is too give them a color and style and have them pick a dress. I was okay with my girls doing this and having different dresses but they all agreed on the one dress. If she wants out then let her go, but as of right now I would consider her still part of your wedding party and your friend and a dress isn't worth losing your friend over.

EDIT: and you have more than enough time. you really don't need to start worrying about dresses months, so give it some time and focus on something else for a while.

ADTonk · June 2011

So since they now have their deposits back, you should ask them privately what they feel comfortable spending on a dress. Ask each girl if they feel comfortable wearing the same dress. If they do, take a shopping trip together but keep their budget in mind as a guideline. Don't even show them dresses that are above their budget.

If the girls don't feel comfortable wearing the same dress, tell them the color, length, and fabric that you prefer and let them pick out their dress.

GL! I'm sure it's a pain when the BM's don't just go with what you want (I'm pretty laid back so I've always just asked the bride what they want me to wear).

PichNiec · June 2011

Well since you gave them the deposits back they should not be complaining. If they were all together desiding on the dress, was anyone hesitant about signing the contract.

My thought is how can they pick out a dress without trying it on to be sure it looks good on everyone. A friend got married last year and told the girl that as as long as was the color was the color see choose then they could wear what they thought looked best on them. I can't amagin 5 girls picking the same dress. Yikes!

=missy= · June 2011

I would say "fine then. If you all can't agree, I"M going pick the dress, and if you have a problem with it, then you don't have to be in my bridal party".

Bridezilla or not, it's your day, and they should do whatever makes you happy.

JamieLeigh88 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-asking-much-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:926b3442-30af-4ed1-8941-0362efc6bfedPost:8e0cbef5-f129-43bd-a5bc-03af3001fe4f">Re: Am I asking for too much??</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say "fine then. If you all can't agree, I"M going pick the dress, and if you have a problem with it, then you don't have to be in my bridal party". Bridezilla or not, it's your day, and they should do whatever makes you happy. 
Posted by =missy=[/QUOTE]

Thank you for backing me up. ALL of my friends feel the same way. Glad to know someone else agrees with me and ALL of my friends and family. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

Kniblet · June 2011

[QUOTE]I would say "fine then. If you all can't agree, I"M going pick the dress, and if you have a problem with it, then you don't have to be in my bridal party". Bridezilla or not, it's your day, and they should do whatever makes you happy.
Posted by =missy=[/QUOTE]
But the LADIES will be wearing these dresses, not the bride. When you ask someone to be in your BP, you should ALWAYS care what they think about what they have to wear. And asking each girl ahead of time how much they can afford, etc. is the proper thing to do. I agree with a PP that said that maybe no one wanted to speak up in front of an entire group.

And if it's only "your day", then there is not a need for a BP at all. Why not skip having one?

Plus, if one of my friends were to say that to me, I would gladly back out of the wedding. If picking dresses causes the bride to say that, lord knows what other problems will cause the same bride to go postal later.

Kniblet · June 2011

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I asking for too much?? : Thank you for backing me up. ALL of my friends feel the same way. Glad to know someone else agrees with me and ALL of my friends and family.
Posted by JamieLeigh88[/QUOTE]
Does the bolded part above include the friends you asked to be in your BP?

jenn&chad · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-asking-much-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:926b3442-30af-4ed1-8941-0362efc6bfedPost:e717cbe8-6947-4fc7-aa38-841ee52c68c3">Re: Am I asking for too much??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I asking for too much?? : Thank you for backing me up. ALL of my friends feel the same way. Glad to know someone else agrees with me and ALL of my friends and family.
Posted by JamieLeigh88[/QUOTE]

The people in the BP should be your closest friends; don't you care about their opinions and want them to be happy too? If you give them an ultimatum you could lose them as friends entirely. How would you feel about that years from now when the wedding is long past?

If you only wanted people to agree with you, you should not post on a forum. That's the point of a forum; for people to give you their honest opinions. There are ways of dealing with situations like this resulting in everyone being happy. Try to be patient instead of frustrated. It is your day, but one of the most important parts of that day is celebrating with your friends and family. And your BP should be your most important friends.

Am I asking for too much??

Re: Am I asking for too much??

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