Not invited, should I send a gift?

gonnabemrsh · August 2010

A girl who was my best friend in middle school and most of high school is getting married. We lost touch after school and haven't been close at all, I do not expect to be invited to her wedding (nor is she invited to mine, although mine's all family anyway lol). However, we are "facebook friends" so I know that she's getting married, her registry, all that sort of stuff.

Would it be totally weird if I were to pick out something from her registry - something small, not very expensive, but something nontheless - to give her, since I'm not invited & we aren't close? I don't really know why I want to, I guess it's just thinking that of course people love to get gifts and it makes them happy, and I like to make people happy, and she was a really important part of my life back then so I want to do that for her. Should I just leave it alone & send a card instead? Do nothing at all?

Calypso1977 · August 2010

sending a gift is never inappropriate.

laurenclaire1386 · August 2010

If you want to send a gift, send a gift. It sounds like you want to, so I think you should do it.

Stackeye210 · August 2010

Definitely send a gift. It's a very nice gesture, and like you said it can be something small. Maybe you could send it after the wedding so she doesn't feel like you're fishing for an invite (if that's a concern of yours).

gonnabemrsh · August 2010

Stack - that *was* a concern. I don't want her to feel like "oh well she must just want to be invited" or make her feel bad for *not* inviting me! I also don't want her to feel like she has to get me something in return. I honestly expect *nothing* in return (well, a thank you card would be great lol, but you know what I mean).

I just wanted to be sure it wouldn't be completely weird and/or make her feel awkward/bad. I thought about just asking her, but I'd like it to be a surprise.

C*Mia · August 2010

I think sending a gift is always a nice gesture but you might make her feel like she has to send you one and from how it sounds you aren't in it to get a gift from someone else. A nice card is always good or even include a GC for a local coffee shop or restaurant or a wedding ornatment. It might not be a good idea to go off the registry since its more meant for the invitees.

Very nice gesture!

gonnabemrsh · August 2010

That's an idea, Mia...I don't really know her well enough anymore to know what she'd like myself, and there isn't really any way to do a gift card to a "local" place lol. Local for me is about a thousand miles away from local for her, and her parents don't live in our hometown anymore either! Hehe.

ThePinkSuperhero · August 2010

I would send it- after the wedding.

laladypoet · August 2010

I wouldn't. but I'm bitter like that.

squirrly · August 2010

A small gift is a sweet gesture and would certainly be appropriate, but I would likely send it after the wedding.

hccpsu · August 2010

I had an old friend send me a small gift after the wedding, and I really appreciated the thought.

gonnabemrsh · August 2010

Thank you all - I never would have thought about doing it after vs. before, so thanks for that thought!

danieliza1127 · August 2010

I think sending a gift if you WANT to is great;however, I would wait until really close to or after the wedding so she doesn't think it's a ploy for an invitation. It sounds silly but we do get plenty of posts here from brides who got a gift from an uninvited guest and then are all worried about what to do. So save her the worry and wait until right around or just after the wedding to send the gift.

KatyRoseM · August 2010

I would also include a note saying what you told us. She was important to you, your happy for her, your glad to be in contact again. Those things would be the most meaningful to me.

breezerb · August 2010

I think it would be a very thoughful gesture if you sent a gift. It would probably mean more to her than you know.

MilleRsBest · August 2010

Is her wedding before yours? Will this make her think she has to send you something now that you sent her something? I don't think you need to send anything if you weren't invited. To me, if I got a gift from someone not invited, I would feel like they were trying to kiss my azz or trying to be my friend.

sabatron · August 2010

This post resonated with me a bit since I'm inviting a long lost friend to my wedding. We haven't seen each other in about 3 years. We were best friends in middle school and high school but drifted in college and thereafter. I really adore her and her family, so I invited them to the wedding and they're all coming. She was one of those friends that always talked about how we'd be in each other's weddings, etc and I felt that despite our drifting, she still warranted an invitation.

This person obviously still means something to you. Send them a gift if you'd like. I don't think this is something you'll regret, and it might even bring you closer again.

unplainjane · August 2010

sounds like you want to send a gift because you want to do something nice for them. nothing wrong with that! i had an old work friend that i lost touch with. i would bump into her from time to time though. finally we had lunch after her wedding. i wasn't invited to the wedding and didn't expect to be but i brought her a small wedding gift at lunch. it was just a little pitcher and glasses set. she of course said i didn't have to do that but was really touched i thought of her. like you i just wanted to give her a gift to congratulate her not out of obligation so go for it.

Enchanted616 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-should-send-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4fa18df5-efe6-469f-90d7-490f98bc7defPost:59dfc8ad-d19e-4f90-9cd0-492e8b874ad5">Re: Not invited, should I send a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE] To me, if I got a gift from someone not invited, I would feel like they were trying to kiss my azz or trying to be my friend.
Posted by MilleRsBest[/QUOTE]

Why are you saying this like its a bad thing? If I thought someone was doing something nice for me in hopes of trying to be my friend, I would be flattered.

Send the gift, its really sweet of you.

dianenjnj · August 2010

that's very sweet of you...if you want to send her a gift go ahead.

dianenjnj · August 2010

.....also, there's no need to overthink. you're intentions are good...go with that.

JmeLee2011 · August 2010

Send her a gift, I can tell you want too. lol I'm the same type of person. Maybe some sort of thing that reminds you of her, something little and kind.

erollis · August 2010

Send a card at the very least since you really want to send her something. I have a close acquaintance (used to be close friends and neighbors but now only fb friends). I will be sending her a card with a gift card to one of the stores she is registered at. Her wedding is in a couple of weeks so it doesn't look like I am looking for an invite. Send something to her. She will be happy and it will make you happy.

Not invited, should I send a gift?

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