Really could use some advice about MOB

kdziew1 · October 2010

Hi everyone....i have a dilemma my own mother regarding guest list and wanted opinions. Please tell me honestly because I want to know if I am just being too close minded.

my mother and my father offered to give us a very substantial portion of the wedding funds while my in laws unfortunately cant really offer anything. Anyway, my mom now is inviting everyone she can think of to the wedding including my sister's in laws and their children plus their siblings plus one/date. I always wanted a small wedding and felt 100 would be more than id like but with having a big family on both sides doable...

now she has invited 80 people!! that only leaves 30 for henrys parents if we stay within the cap of our reception hall...when i told her i wanted to go over the guest list and sit down to talk about it she freak out and told me no.

she said shes paying for most of the wedding so she is inviting whoever and already doesnt like the plans ive made even though i made all of them with her...she wants it to be big and i want a small intimate wedding.

what do i do?? she wants to invite some people i dont really want and think are unecessary when I can invite our own friends as well as henrys family.

thoughts???

AutumnFair · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_really-could-use-advice-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df824ab5-3321-492d-b876-f3006377964dPost:90174e53-53e6-4d25-a260-69493e935e5d">Really could use some advice about MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone....i have a dilemma my own mother regarding guest list and wanted opinions. Please tell me honestly because I want to know if I am just being too close minded. my mother and my father offered to give us a very substantial portion of the wedding funds while my in laws unfortunately cant really offer anything. Anyway, my mom now is inviting everyone she can think of to the wedding including my sister's in laws and their children plus their siblings plus one/date. I always wanted a small wedding and felt 100 would be more than id like but with having a big family on both sides doable... now she has invited 80 people!! that only leaves 30 for henrys parents if we stay within the cap of our reception hall...when i told her i wanted to go over the guest list and sit down to talk about it she freak out and told me no. she said shes paying for most of the wedding so she is inviting whoever and already doesnt like the plans ive made even though i made all of them with her...she wants it to be big and i want a small intimate wedding. what do i do?? she wants to invite some people i dont really want and think are unecessary when I can invite our own friends as well as henrys family. thoughts???
Posted by kdziew1[/QUOTE]

<div>First you and your FI need to sit down and hash out who you both want to be there be it aunts, uncles, and 1st cousins for both sides (to be fair for both families) or something else along those lines. Once you get your guest list straight you need to bring it up to your mom that you want these certain people on both sides to make it fair to everyone. If there is room left over, I would try to compromise as much as possible so that she is somewhat satisfied. The reason I advise to have you and your FI sit down is so that you two are both in agreement of what you two want for the guest list and can put an united front with your mom.</div><div>
</div><div>Now if your mom is not willing to budge on what you two have decided you only have two options: A. Give into your mom's demands or B. Save up, have a longer engagement if need be and pay for the wedding yourselves. I suggest saving up if she isn't going to budge because her using her money to control your life is something that isn't going to go away after your married. </div><div>
</div><div>Also if she is pushing her guest limit over the capacity of the reception venue you need to explain can not go over because that can cause a lot of trouble for you with your venue.</div>

Zippy88k · October 2010

A common theme on the knot: The person paying does the saying.

It may sound harsh and unfair, but it's so true. I'm in such a similar situation as you, but there's not a whole lot of leverage if your parents are paying. And I know you appreciate their paying, but it does make it difficult...good luck!

[Deleted User] · October 2010

Yup, the other ladies pretty much said it. Another option would be to pay yourselves for the people you want to invite in which would be over the alloted amount from your Mom. But unfortunately money = strings, so whoever pays has the say so in who gets invited. That is not saying your Mom couldn't compromise and be nice and give you guys a fair portion of guests to invite, but not always does it work this way.

This is one of the reasons why my husband and I paid for ourselves and would have even if my parents offered to pay bc my Mom would have been the exact same way.

rknox88 · October 2010

Well, it sucks that your mom is dominating the guest list but by forking over the money for the wedding she got a sense of entitlement-which I mean, she is paying, so she gets a large say in things.

Personally, I would save up with FI and pay for our small, intimate wedding with the guests we want to invited.

Muffin'sMom · October 2010

Tell her that if you cannot come to an equitable solution, then you will cancel the date and plan a wedding that YOU control and YOU pay for. Tell her that you need an answer at the table. Then walk if need be.....

One of the PP's was right. She acts this way because people allow her to do it. Figure out your own life now, or she will be doing it for a really long time....

crankita · October 2010

Give her back the money and have the small wedding you want with your own funds. You will be happier in the end

hellopals · October 2010

You tell her "Thanks for offering to pay for mine and X's wedding but we've decided to go with this instead" or something to that effect and pay for the wedding you want. If you can't pay for what you want either wait to save or deal with what she wants for your wedding.

KerriCornell · October 2010

You have two choices:
1.) Thank your parents for offering to pay but politely decline stating that you'd rather plan your wedding on your own terms. Now save up your own money and have the wedding YOU want.
-OR-
2.) Your parents are about to spend a LARGE amount of money on your wedding. When you aren't the one paying, you lose site of how much it really costs. Try the best you can to work out the guest list with your parents. However in the end, they have the final say since they are the ones signing the checks.

Honestly, be thankful you have parents willing to spend their hard earned money on your wedding. My fiance and I are spending $30k of our own money for a wedding. What I wouldn't give to have your parents. They could invite whoever they wanted!!!!! - just saying, be thankful for what you do have.

banana468 · October 2010

Ditto PPs.

If she says, "I'm paying so I get to decide," just make the decision for her and say, "Thanks Mom but we've decided to do things on our own."

singingjessi14 · October 2010

If you have the ability and she won't budge, I would pay for your own small, intimate wedding. I was a little bummed that my fiance and I were going to have to pay for our own wedding with no help, but it's nice to be able to have the wedding we want without too many strings attached.

glam70s · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_really-could-use-advice-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df824ab5-3321-492d-b876-f3006377964dPost:38cb525e-44fa-413a-8d65-8a4a3c6abd90">Re: Really could use some advice about MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]If you have the ability and she won't budge, I would pay for your own small, intimate wedding. I was a little bummed that my fiance and I were going to have to pay for our own wedding with no help, but it's nice to be able to have the wedding we want without too many strings attached.
Posted by singingjessi14[/QUOTE]

Even if you don't have the ability to pay on your own, personally I would rather have a courthouse wedding than have a huge elaborate event that I had no say in. I'm also not all that close to my family, so inviting tons of family and not having any of my friends there, who are far more important to me, would be absolutely out of the question.

kaitlyn&henry · October 2010

thanks everyone for the comments!!

I think ive decided to actually sit down and talk about it and if she refuses to budge or compromise im definitely calling it off until my fiance and I can pay for it ourselves...if it were up to my fiance though it would already be cancelled. I know she does want the best for me, but sometimes gets caught up in the show...which i dont want so im going to try to re-explain i dont want a big wedding. I thinks its hard for her since my two older siblings had such big weddings...

Dana&Elena · October 2010

I agree!

Really could use some advice about MOB

Re: Really could use some advice about MOB

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