No children question

prettygirl70810 · January 2012

My FI and I are getting married in November of this year. In looking for reception facilties I have suggested (and later requested) that we have an adult only reception-with the exception of the children in the wedding party should their parents choose to bring them. My FI disagrees-primarily because he has cousins with children (lots of children!!!)
He thinks that I am wanting to be mean to a particular cousin who I cannot stand, but my rationale is simple:
-The venue we chose charges per head for anyone over 2 yrs old
-I would like to have a fun time with family and friends without wild children running everyone (my family and his..We both have family members who just don't discipline their children)
-When I look back at our pictures and video I do not want to see random children all over the place...

Am I being unreasonable about this?

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

Not wanting children at your wedding isn't unreasonable, but refusing to even so much as discuss it with your fiance when having children there is something he clearly wants is unreasonable. You can't just completely discount his opinion because it's not the same as yours, and you owe it to him to at least hear him out on why he thinks including children is a good idea.

kate2188 · January 2012

You are not being unreasonable. But neither is your FI. There is no right or wrong when it comes to whether or not you have kids at your wedding. I went to some weddings as a kid and I didn't run around and photobomb all the nice pictures or ruin anybody's fun, as your OP seems to indicate is what kids do at weddings. You and your FI may need to work out a compromise, since it sounds like you want different things as far as kids at the wedding goes.

monkeysip · January 2012

I don't think its unreasonable to not want children.

With that said, you have to compromise with FI. Talk it out. Does he really want these kids there? Are there people whom he wants to come, but will not come if they can't bring children?

Things to think about.

Also--I think your last two points are a little over-stated. Just because children come to a wedding doesn't mean they're running around like animals ruining everyone's fun. Plenty of people have fun, enjoyable weddings with children present. Also, the fact that you don't want children in your pictures kinda disturbs me. I'm pretty sure they're not going to be photobombing every picture of yours--and I don't know why the thought of these children in your photos is so distressing to you.

But you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. If you don't want kids there, it is well within your right not to invite them.

Simply Fated · January 2012

It's fine to not want kids, but if he wants kids there then you're going to have to compromise. Maybe family only? Or 12 and over? Talk to him about it. We know your reasonings, but what are his?

prettygirl70810 · January 2012

Thanks everyone. I love my H but the one thing he is-is a pushover....Initially he was okay with no children (because he didn't want to have to pay full price for them) but his aunt (of the hideous cousin) told him that it was just rude of him not to want EVERYONE in his family there. So he is trying to back-track...

Sidenote: We both have children (10 and 9) and anywhere we go they get "the talk" about appropriate and acceptable behavior.....the children I am concerned about completely wrecked (yes I am serious) another one of his family members' retirement party to point of the banquet facilty manager coming in and asking us to leave (can you say mortified!!!!). It's not to say that I don't have little one's on my side who swing from the ceiling-but I am willing to take the heat with my family because I have no problem telling them their kids are wild as goats!

I want to make this day very special for my FI as well as myself and am all for compromise, but I'm so afraid of what these kids will do.

Pookieson · January 2012

compromise. I have a daughter, so for us, it was a no brainer. We are inviting kids because honestly she'll be bored if we dont lol! I can see both sides, but you've gotta come to an agreement and decide whats more important.

andy71781 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:0e869a24-151c-4840-9ed3-06a7a576e585">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone. I love my H but the one thing he is-is a pushover....Initially he was okay with no children (because he didn't want to have to pay full price for them) but his aunt (of the hideous cousin) told him that it was just rude of him not to want EVERYONE in his family there. So he is trying to back-track... Sidenote: We both have children (10 and 9) and anywhere we go they get "the talk" about appropriate and acceptable behavior.....the children I am concerned about completely wrecked (yes I am serious) another one of his family members' retirement party to point of the banquet facilty manager coming in and asking us to leave (can you say mortified!!!!). It's not to say that I don't have little one's on my side who swing from the ceiling-but I am willing to take the heat with my family because I have no problem telling them their kids are wild as goats! I want to make this day very special for my FI as well as myself and am all for compromise, but I'm so afraid of what these kids will do.
Posted by prettygirl70810[/QUOTE]<div>You sound like a real peach. I bet those kids just love you.</div>

monkeysip · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:0e869a24-151c-4840-9ed3-06a7a576e585">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone. I love <strong>my H</strong> but the one thing he is-is a pushover....Initially he was okay with no children (because he didn't want to have to pay full price for them) but his aunt (of the hideous cousin) told him that it was just rude of him not to want EVERYONE in his family there. So he is trying to back-track... Sidenote: We both have children (10 and 9) and anywhere we go they get "the talk" about appropriate and acceptable behavior.....the children I am concerned about completely wrecked (yes I am serious) another one of his family members' retirement party to point of the banquet facilty manager coming in and asking us to leave (can you say mortified!!!!). It's not to say that I don't have little one's on my side who swing from the ceiling-but I am willing to take the heat with my family because I have no problem telling them their kids are wild as goats! I want to make this day very special for my FI as well as myself and am all for compromise, but I'm so afraid of what these kids will do.
Posted by prettygirl70810[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>? I guess that was just a typo? He is still your fiance, right?</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: Or does his name start with H?

</div>

Katelyn89 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:936306ad-08b5-4021-ad45-8929989492d7">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No children question : ? I guess that was just a typo? He is still your fiance, right? Edit: Or does his name start with H?
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

I was wondering the same thing...

[Deleted User] · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:0e869a24-151c-4840-9ed3-06a7a576e585">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]the children I am concerned about completely wrecked (yes I am serious) another one of his family members' retirement party to point of the banquet facilty manager coming in and asking us to leave (can you say mortified!!!!).
Posted by prettygirl70810[/QUOTE]
I'm curious what the kids did.

I'm not seeing anything the OP has said that's deserving of flak.

mollyehren · January 2012

I would show your fiance the cost. For example if you are talking about 40 kids at $25 a pop just there you added $400 to your cost. My experience is men handle raw data and cost far better than over emotional pleas.

Katelyn89 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:2e57d1c7-532f-4f42-a3f0-80c5bf2b82ba">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, <strong>why are people acting as though the OP is crazy for not wanting kids at the wedding?</strong> If a group I was in was asked to LEAVE a banquet facility because of badly behaved children, I'd be thinking of not inviting those kids, too. That's definitely an embarrassing situation. OP: SimplyFated was right in suggesting a cut off age or limiting what "level" of family you invite. First cousins only, wedding party only, etc. Not sure why people are making their suggestions more complicated than they need to be :)
Posted by cebrady89[/QUOTE]

I don't think she is crazy for not wanting kids, but it seems like it is really important to her fiance, so they need to sit down and talk about why they do or do not want children there. It is as much his wedding as it is hers and there needs to be compromise and communication.

Katelyn89 · January 2012

<p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:e6dcef94-051c-4568-9096-47b0e75e7899">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No children question : Or $1000...
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

LOL</p>

[Deleted User] · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:e5f92513-7703-434f-98aa-48e19cc022fd">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No children question : I don't think she is crazy for not wanting kids, but it seems like it is really important to her fiance
Posted by Katelyn89[/QUOTE]
No it doesn't.

Katelyn89 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:406f599c-3301-4c68-8159-f1057bd7955e">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No children question : No it doesn't.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

how do you figure?

[Deleted User] · January 2012

Katelyn. OP said this:

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:0e869a24-151c-4840-9ed3-06a7a576e585">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]Initially he was okay with no children (because he didn't want to have to pay full price for them) but his aunt (of the hideous cousin) told him that it was just rude of him not to want EVERYONE in his family there. So he is trying to back-track...
Posted by prettygirl70810[/QUOTE]
What about this indicates that he feels strongly about inviting children?

tenofcups4me · January 2012

In a void, neither of you is being unreasonable, just having different opinions. But if his family's kids are so bad that they're asked to leave a venue and your family's kids are "wild as goats," yeah, no way in hell would any of them be invited to my wedding.

mollyehren · January 2012

LOL, guess I shouldn't even attempt math on a Saturday night

Katelyn89 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2140bac2-9237-4cc1-846e-e2609d12718dPost:68aaec4e-2f73-4dc9-ba7b-6daa1eb85eaf">Re: No children question</a>:
[QUOTE]Katelyn. OP said this: In Response to Re: No children question : What about this indicates that he feels strongly about inviting children?
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

Ya I'll be honest, I forget she said that. My bad, you're right. In that case I still think OP needs to sit down with her FI and they need to say how they really feel and not let anyone else influence them.

Starfish0116 · January 2012

If you don't want kids there, don't invite them. I think you should talk with your fiance about it but don't let it cause a huge rift.

Having kids at our wedding was not open for discussion. I'm a pretty low maintenance bride - I wanted a destination wedding - simple and easy, he wanted the big wedding....I'm just happy to be getting married so we're having his big wedding. His guest list is out of control. We're at 300 people so far, and I'd say 200 of those are his. I gave in on the guest list, menu, wedding colors, etc but no kids was something I wouldn't budge on. Fortunately, it wasn't something he cared about too much and he was happy to pick everything else.

For starters, I have no problems saying I don't enjoy kids at a wedding (unless its a super casual wedding) and I don't make excuses for it either. I'm a wedding photographer and my life revolves around weddings. For every family with well behaved kids, there are 3 more with kids running wild. I have a lot of friends who discipline their kids, and I have friends who let their kids run the show. I feel luckily that most of our friends want to enjoy the evening and have no problems leaving their kids at home.

Additionally, I did not want to pay for the additional bodies. Our venue charges by the number of people. Adding 50+ kids to the guest list doesn't just add $30/kid for dinner - it also adds 50+ more bodies to the rental fee for the venue, more tables/chairs that need rented, more centerpieces, etc. Aside from the bar, you're adding 50+ people to every aspect of the wedding budget.

Our wedding is an evening wedding with full bar in an open air pavilion at a marina - on the docks. Drunk people + kids + docks/open water = not a good combo.

whitsy · January 2012

It's totally fine if you don't want kids there, it's just odd to me to see people say they don't want them running wild. We had a pretty large wedding (around 150 people) and a majority of them had kids. There was only one kid that was "running wild" and it happened to be the flower girl, lol. My SIL didn't take her crying baby out, but it was her brother getting married, so ::shrug::.

It does sound like though you do have some experience with kids on your FI's side running wild, so I get this might be more of an issue for you. Sit down with your FI and discuss the hard facts (numbers, $$, etc). If he truly doesn't care about inviting kids, and just doesn't want to be the one to let people know about the no kids, just suggest you can be the one enforcing that rule. Maybe that will make him feel like some of the pressure is off him. However, he does need to make sure he presents a united front with you. None of this, "Well, prettygirl doesn't want kids there, so we're not having kids." He needs to consistently say, "We've agreed not to have kids."

kmmssg · January 2012

OP - have you and FI discussed the retirement party incident and how this affects your desire to have a no kid wedding? While I would normally just say you both need to find a compromise, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to a compromise that invited the offending family in this case.

How has your discussion gone about the retirement party debacle?

Juleswcu · January 2012

I am so glad for this posting since I am having nearly the same problem. It really irritates me how so many parents assume their children are invited. My FI barely knows some of his cousins, but feels obligatied to invite them. His grandmother told me at Christmas that I had to make a decision to have kids or no kids. That's bs to me - my parents and us are paying for the whole thing. His side is not contributing at all (his parents both passed away). I agree about kids running around wild - been to plenty of weddings like that and I know some of his cousins would be like that. We have given plenty of notice of the date so they can make other arrangements. I would think most parents would like to have an excuse for a child free night. The children that will be there are in the wedding and we have made arrangements for them to be picked up by a sitter after dinner. The parents are my sister and his sister and this was their idea. I like the idea of sitting down and going over the cost with him. If we invited every single kid in both our families and our friends children the guest list would be more than 50% children. It is such a sensitive issue that I don't like dealing with, but as they say "just put your big girl panties on and deal with it"!

prettygirl70810 · January 2012

Just thought I'd give a quick update on our dilemma and also respond to a few people.
-No..all of the children on my side are not little angels, however, I have personally asked their parents (who I know will not discipline them to leave them at home)

-Yes....I guess I am a bit preachy....I'm writing the check....

-We were kicked out of the banquet facility because the children began to fight with one another...eventually throwing food, crashing a waiter with a tray filled with food...and breaking an indoor window on the french doors.....

-My FI is still my FI and discussing it and tableing the discussion he had to come back and say to me that he did not want children outside of the children in the bridal party there. Reason being....this same family of children destroyed another family members' house during a Christmas Party that was supposed to be adult only and stole from several of the guests' purses.....it was CLASSIC!

We both feel that the children in the bridal party are our closest neices, nephews, etc., and they are who we want to share this with

No children question

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