When only one of the two kids are on board

Re: When only one of the two kids are on board

• right1thistime member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  She will be blatantly missing.  That's no reason to avoid making your other daughter an honor attendant, if she is willing to do so.  Your older child made a statement @ her dad's ceremony when she was a teenager.  I would bet that she is doing the same at yours to keep things fair in her mind and avoid having her dad's feelings get hurt or to avoid drama.  Accept her choice, and if it hurts your feelings, feel free to tell her that while it hurts, you accept her choice and will not bring it up again.  Then plan your wedding as the celebration you have intended. 
  
  If anyone asks why she's not there, tell them that you believe she is in a better position to answer that question than you are, and change the subject.
  
  Since I am NOT a fan of family ceremonies, especially with adult children, I wouldn't expect you to plan that without both daughters there.   ~Donna

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• IslandBeachBride member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Vent, I'm in a similar situation.  My oldest son is not on board.  He's not speaking to me - for other reasons than I'm getting married.  We're eloping so no one will be at the ceremony.  However FI's children and my other son will be at the reception/open house a few weeks later.  I'm assuming that my oldest wont attend and there's nothing I can do about it.  He's an adult and he has to make his own decision.   However, I'm not excluding him.  I did a twist on the ceremony program and did a reception one.  It's not a timeline but rather a thank you to parents, children, family & friends.  I named each child and thanked them for being our kids and that we love them. 

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• Sue-n-Kevin member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  I did a twist on the ceremony program and did a reception one.  It's not a timeline but rather a thank you to parents, children, family & friends
  
  I LOVE this idea, and may incorporate it! Thanks IslandBeachBride !!!
  
  I have 2 kids, my oldest (son now 24) was always on board with our upcoming marriage. My daughter and MOH (now 16) has been "coy" and slow to come to grips with the fact we are getting married. However, our planning has been almost 2 years, and I understood her position because she hates her Dad's wife/stepmom, and was afraid that this would repeat itself with my fiance.
  
  I also know her better than she knows herself, and understood she'd come around. I think planning over such a long time helped, but she actually told me a couple of weeks ago she's glad I'm marrying Kevin, and how much she likes him. I knew she'd get to that point as she matured.
  
  You, however have kids who are already adults. I agree with right1thistime, just plan your wedding around the "non approver", and while not condoning her behavior, you can accept it.

  
  

  Good luck.

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_only-one-of-two-kids-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:16bf8444-7c09-4ebb-a3a1-15eccc5ed718Post:6dcb9ab8-9b51-423b-b1c6-013c69e7b812">Re: When only one of the two kids are on board</a>:
  [QUOTE]She will be blatantly missing.  That's no reason to avoid making your other daughter an honor attendant, if she is willing to do so.  Your older child made a statement @ her dad's ceremony when she was a teenager.  I would bet that she is doing the same at yours to keep things fair in her mind and avoid having her dad's feelings get hurt or to avoid drama.  Accept her choice, and if it hurts your feelings, feel free to tell her that while it hurts, you accept her choice and will not bring it up again.  Then plan your wedding as the celebration you have intended.  If anyone asks why she's not there, tell them that you believe she is in a better position to answer that question than you are, and change the subject. Since I am NOT a fan of family ceremonies, especially with adult children, I wouldn't expect you to plan that without both daughters there.   ~Donna
  Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]
  
  This. I'm in a somewhat similar postion. It's my FI's two girls (20 and 17) and I'm actually closer in age to them than I am to my FI. The oldest daughter never really took to me, but she has issues with both of her parents for a variety of different reasons. So, I know it's not just me or an age thing. While we're not having a large wedding (just the two of us doing a DW), that is part of the reason why we're not having a larger wedding. We have been together for over 5 years and specifically waited to get engaged until the oldest daughter was out of high school. Not because she didn't approve of our relationship, but because she has so many other problems with so many things and we didn't want to add any stress to her life. However, your kids are truly adults and they can choose to be a part of something or not. I agree with right1 in that she will have to explain to people why she chose not to be there. Not you. You can't put your life on hold, almost like I did (!), to hope that maybe she'll come around or change her mind about things. However, if you feel really strongly about her not being there and it causing more problems, I would also consider having a very small ceremony, possibly with just the two of you, so that it's not so obvious that she is missing and then you don't feel guilty about her not being involved because noone will be involved!

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• blush64 member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Considering she is 27 I would just plan the wedding you want to have and include the daughter who wants to be included. Let the older daughter know you understand she has to do what she feels is right and you love her and are happy she will be at the ceremony.  Plan as you wish.
  
  IF she were a child I would have a different opinion.  At that age it's odd that she doesn't want to attend unless she has a bad relationship with either you or your FI.  Doing this to "even" things out with her dad seems silly when you're pushing 30years old. (unless her dad is that childish)
  

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• HappyMOH77 member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  As an adult child who by choice attended the remarriage of one parent and not the other for a variety of reasons some personal and others simple (distance and work schedule/load at the time of year).  I would say carry on as you choose.  She is coming to the reception just not the church and that is understandable she may or may not be missed and asked after.  If people ask you do not have to and should not answer for her.  More annoying then the constant trying to change my mind was my father interpreting my decision for other family members.  Enjoy your wedding and be sure to enjoy the reception with both daughters.  Talk to your daughter, maybe she feels uncomfotable with a church ceremony but would be happy and honored to be announced at the reception.  Her choice to attend or not attend prob has nothing to do with her relationship with you or your FI.  The demise of her parents marriage may have left an imprint on her that she chooses not to attend or it may be some philisophical viewpoint (such as trying to be fair with you and her dad or not beliving in 2nd marriages held in a church).  Try not to take it personally or as a reflection of how she feels about you.  Repect her decision and let her answer for herself if it comes up.  Good Luck!

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