45 Days to go, and Fiance's grandmother is dying....

Avion22 · February 2012

We live in the UK, and the wedding is in April in Virginia.

My fiance's grandmother, who lives with my FILs in Orlando, is is 95, and while her health has been touchy for the last few years, she's pulled through. She went into the hospital last week, and has taken a turn for the worse. The doctors give her "a few months".

My FMIL has been her sole caretaker for the last two years, and is taking the prognosis pretty badly. I can only imagine how difficult it is for her to be losing her mother after all of the stress she's been through.

Anyway, it seems like we need to make a decision pretty soon about what to do about the wedding. On one hand, my fiance's family is going through a really difficult time, and I feel like a wedding isn't really appropriate when the matriarch of his family is dying. Even if she pulls through, she will be unable to travel, and as her sole caregivers, my FILs will be unable to travel either.

On the other hand, I'm active duty mlitary and we planned the wedding around a busy training and deployment schedule, so if we postpone it may be over a year before we can reschedule. Not to mention that if we cancel now we'll be out a lot of money -- which I really don't care about (I mean, we'll be spending it anyway whether the wedding happens or not, and I'm okay with that), but there is no way we could afford to do this again.

I guess in my mind the only options are going ahead as planned or cancelling outright. But I'm sure there are other options that I'm not thinking of, and was hoping maybe you guys could help me see a way through this. Some additional information:

1. I'm in training and can't leave the UK until the end of March. We already have tickets to be in the US for two weeks, but we are looking at changing FI's ticket so he can go home earlier.

2. His whole family lives in Florida, and mine is scattered around the US. The wedding is in Virginia (my hometown), but almost all of our guests are from out-of-town and many (maybe half?) have already made travel arrangments including non-refundable plane tickets.

3. I need to check contracts, but I'm pretty sure that we're in the "non-refundable" stage of pretty much everything. Again, money isn't my big concern here....I really want to do what's right for his family. But it may be our only shot at having a wedding like the one we have planned.

Any help or ideas would be appreciated.

ginadog · February 2012

I am in a similar situation. My wedding is 4.5 months away, my father has 3-5 months to live. His cancer is spreading and he cannot buy any more time (no more surgery or chemo). He's been battling it for 5 years already.

Our wedding was a US destination wedding for all our guests simply due to the fact that we are not near any friends or family. I already knew that my father wasn't able to physically make it to my wedding (we were OK with that), but having him possibly die so close to the wedding is just unbearable to think of. I want to be there for my family, not switch gears to hosting a party I won't feel like hosting. There are tons of what ifs, uncertainties too, that you just never know. If he lives longer, would my mom and sisters even want to leave him? Just tons of unknowns.

So I feel your pain. We have 19 days to decide whether or not we're going to cancel (can get all our money back). It's super tough. We have some back up plans in the works - one of which is elope at our own leisure when the dust has settled. I do not like the idea of rushing a wedding for the sake of someone else, especially since my wedding is not their priority.

If we did elope, I can at least grieve without added stress on my plate. The other factors were make eloping a pro, that we found out after the planning started. the wedding we planned was a bit of a strain financially for our guests (even though we ran it by them all). Some looked forward to it, but it seemed to be a burden on the majority really. Talk about guilt trip! Even after trying to do a very budget wedding for my location, we were starting to think, "Do we really want to through this big expensive party for people?" Mine is a little easier to undo however.

EDIT TO ADD: in your case, with people having purchased tickets, only 45 days to go, your April time frame, I would continue on as planned with it so close.

Avion22 · February 2012

Thanks Gina, and I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

Sorry for the P&R, but it's time to go to work in the UK, so I'll check back later this afternoon. If anyone has ANY ideas, please throw them out. FI and I are going to discuss our "options" this weekend and try to make a decision, so I'm hoping somebody emotionally removed from the situation can help us see what our "options" are. Thanks in advance.

ginadog · February 2012

Did your FILs say anything about not leaving her side til the end or anything? Are you assuming they will not leave? Does Gma have hospice care that can be set up?

Avion22 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_45-days-to-go-and-fiances-grandmother-is-dying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d744979-0163-447d-ae66-5d46b790207fPost:9855d1b6-41ca-4397-be00-98fd43fb4a21">Re: 45 Days to go, and Fiance's grandmother is dying....</a>:
[QUOTE]Did your FILs say anything about not leaving her side til the end or anything? Are you assuming they will not leave? Does Gma have hospice care that can be set up?
Posted by ginadog[/QUOTE]

<div>They're looking into hospice options right now. I don't think my FMIL is ready to deal with the issue of in-patient hospice care, so we're trying to find some home-hospice options (maybe someone coming in for a few hours every day). I don't see my FMIL leaving her mom's side (I don't blame her), but we haven't talked about it yet.</div>

VeggieLove1022 · February 2012

I really don't know what I would do in this situation, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you and ginadog are both going through this.

toothpastechica · February 2012

I went through this with my grandma dying this year. (She died in December), she has been bad for a while, because you do have a lot of people travelling and dont have much time left, I would go ahead as planned, but I would have some conversations with that side of the family letting them know that if they decide not to come because of the situation, that you will understand. My wedding will actually be before my grandmothers memorial (the memorial will be in June my wedding is late may), and when she was still alive my family all told me that no matter what happens they want my wedding to happen because grandma would be devestated if she could comprehend that someone was cancelling a wedding because of her (she has dementia, but was always very hospitable and very involved with us grandkids before she lost her cognition). I am sorry you have to deal with this possibility, it sucks, but I would encourage you to go ahead with the wedding.

kmmssg · February 2012

Avion - I'm so sorry to hear this hon. What does your FI say?

Many kudos to you for being so concerned for his family and keeping some pretty straight priorities.

If you were one of my girls and it was my mom dying I would tell you to keep moving with your plans. You have many guests who have a lot of non-refundable money on the line here and you guys do too. If it were my mom dying I would want to you to keep your plans as they are.

Gina - hugs to you hon. I've been following your posts and I'm so sorry about your father.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't give you any advice, but to ask your FI and his family how they see it. With people having already spent their travelling money, and knowing you could not have this wedding another time, I would strongly consider keeping your plans as they are, but that is a choice only you and your (future) family can make.

Stackeye210 · February 2012

I'm really sorry about your situation, that's just an awful thing to be dealing with. You seem like a really realistic thinking and thoughtful person and that's definitely going to help the decision.

When my dad was in home-hospice care my mom never left his side. She never even wanted to leave just to go pick up prescriptions, so I definitely would say it's safe to say your FMIL will not want to leave her side.

I think the best thing you and your FI can do is to talk to your FIL's about the situation. Nobody wants or asks for these things to happen but it is what it is. You guys are all a family and can probably come to some sort of solution that doesn't change the plans too drastically. Have you ever thought about FMIL skyping the wedding? Then maybe you can make plans to go to Florida for a small celebration with her and whatever other FIL's couldn't physically make it to the wedding. Of course that would be nobody's first option, but it's just that, an option.

You could also find some special touches in the wedding to surprise send to your FMIL afterward that would make her feel like she was thought about and missed that day. Like maybe mail her a wedding video and the toss bouquet or something like that, I don't really know, I'm not that creative but I'm sure there are ways to include her.

kmmssg · February 2012

If grandma is still here when it is time for the wedding and FMIL won't leave her, Skype might be a possibility. Does FMIL have any siblings who could cover a couple of days with g'ma?

acaponi87 · February 2012

I'm so sorry to hear about all that going on.

Ulitmately the decision is yours and your FI's. I lean toward proceeding with it as is just based on the OOT guests and the fact that you'd have to postpone a year. I tend to think that (and I know this is an assumption so forgive me) the person dying wouldn't like you to postpone your wedding and lose all that money.

But really you need to talk to FI and his family. I think it's wonderful that you are so supportive..continue to do so

Avion22 · February 2012

Thanks so much for all of your replies.

FI and I haven't talked about it much yet because I'm out of town right now, but when I go home this weekend we plan on talking to his parents about how to proceed. I just want to have some options in mind. But man, I honestly can't even imagine having this conversation with my FMIL without just making her feel horrible, so I'm reallly dreading it.

FI's pretty torn up right now too.

Meegles4 · February 2012

My wedding is in about 50 days, and my grandfather passed away about 2 weeks ago. He'd been ill for a couple years, took a turn before the holidays so we all rushed from Michigan to Nebraska to be with thim. He rallied, but then took a turn again in early January. My mom travelled back to care for him and was there about 3 weeks before he passed. He had home hospice and we were told there were months left. Then, the week before he passed we were told it would be a week or two -- and they were right.

When things first turned, my mom and I were both fearful that he could pass around the time of the wedding. But, we never considering postponing. We also knew that if he was living, he definitely wouldn't be at the wedding, nor would my grandmother because she was his caretaker.

It's difficult, but as PPs said, I think you and your guests are too far down the money path to cancel at this point.

If you can, talk to your FMIL. I have a feeling she will want you to continue with your plans, but if she truly doesn't want that, she needs an opportunity to speak up.

I know you said you don't care about the money, so I would likely approach this that it's quite possible your FI will need to be making trips back and forth to the U.S. to be with his family, so that is unplanned expenses that perhaps you should think about incurring to give him and the family some peace of mind and some time together during all this, vs. incurring lost money through postponing.

I'd also look into Skype and other ways to involve your FMIL if she can't come. But I also agree with considering homecare, even for a weekend while your FMIL attends the wedding.

Your FI's family has to make the decision that's right for them. I don't think you two can make that decision on your own, and as hard as it is to talk about with the in-laws, I think you need to.

Good luck!

Jana711 · February 2012

I'm sorry to hear of the situation that's going on now. Considering that you're so close to the wedding date and guests have already taking time from work, made travel arrangements, purchased gifts, etc, I would strongly advise you to continue with your plans. I'm sure that FI's grandmother and your FMIL would want you all to continue with your wedding as scheduled.

07ultraclassic · February 2012

Personally, I think I would go forward with the wedding, and I agree with the skype or finding a way for the family (that will likely not be in attendance) to be able to watch live, if not recorded and available for viewing as soon as someone can get it uploaded to the net.

My rationale is that if it were much closer to the ceremony (weeks and days vs months?) it would still go on (right?), the difference is, you just have more notice now. With the close dates and near or in 'non-refundable' deposits status, that would only enforce my decision to go forward if I were still hedging.

Blessings for peace and no stress to you and your family during this time.

gailpete · February 2012

I'm so sorry to hear about your FI's grandmother. Definitely check with grandmother and FMIL as to their wishes. I would be surprised if grandmother would want you to change your plans, or want FMIL to miss the wedding. There is usually respite hospice care available, so it may be an option. FMIL may not want to leave, but grandma may insist. All in all, proceeding as planned is probably your best bet. These things are so unpredictable. My mom was diaganosed with lung cancer and given 4-6 weeks to live and didn't pass for 9 months.

Best wishes to you and FI in dealing with this.

Mimmer04 · February 2012

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Its difficult all around and there is no perfect solution. I tend to agree with the other posters that since you are so close to continue as planned, but its a decision only you and your family can really make.

One thing I would strongly recommend, if you haven't already, purchase wedding insurance! Do some research, but most policies cover the cost of cancellation due to a death of an immediate family member including a grandparent. I think this is particularly important if you decide to go ahead with the wedding. A very bad case scenario would be that your FI's grandmother passes in the week or so leading up to the wedding and you have to cancel anyway. Even if you don't care about the money, you could use any insurance payout to help subsidize the nonrefundable travel costs for your guests.

Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.

DEBBIESTARK · February 2012

My Uncle died unexpectedly 13 days before his youngest sons wedding. They went through with the wedding and tried to include him in memory as much as possible. They left a spot open for him where he would have been sitting during the ceremony, used his wedding band for the ceremony as well as his tallis shawl. After the funeral during discussions it was decided that his passing would not be discussed during the wedding so as not to make the wedding into an extended funeral.The wedding was beautiful.

staceycaine · February 2012

I'm so sorry to hear that your family is going through this. I just wrote a post about this yesterday or the day before. I hope it can help.

For what it's worth, your priorities need to be straight (which, I think they are). Make peace with whatever you need to now. The wedding will happen when it happens. Just make sure you do what you'll be able to live with (and what FI's grandmother wants).

Here's my post. <--click that.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · February 2012

I'm really sorry about your situation.

My husband's grandmother (who was 99) passed away about 5-6 weeks before our wedding. She lived 1500 miles away and would not have been able to make it anyway, but it was definitely a downer. Also, we were not able to attend the funeral because of the expense. She did, however, get our invitation and knew we were getting married, and her daughter said she was happy about it. (She had met me a year earlier at H's cousin's wedding.)

That said, she was in a nursing home and while she had 2 of her 5 children living close to her, they were not her primary care givers. There wasn't a question of what would happen or if we would need to delay anything.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

sweetcanadian1979 · February 2012

Sorry to hear about your fiance's grandmother. With that being said, she is 95 & has lived a full life. If she were of complete able body & sound i am sure she would NOT want you to cancel the wedding. Death is hard in any situation but there have been people on the board who lost a parent in the same week as their wedding.

You are too close in the planning process. I would continue as planned. Honor her with a candle & a mention in the program or something of the like. Let his mom grieve, my fiance's mother looked after her mother in her home too, it was hard when she passed but also a lot of burden had lifted. She did not know what to do at first but then found she had time for so many things. It is still hard for her but she has a full life & is able to work now.

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