My first, his second (widowed), both young - Any similar situations?

pondering_gal · March 2010

My fiance and I have a 12 year age gap, I'm 23. He was married 10 years ago, and was unfortunatly was widowed less than a year later.

I'm wondering if anyone is in a similar situation? I'm feeling so many things, and hoping there's someone out there who knows what I'm going through. None of my friends can relate.

It's just a feeling of guilt and always being number to (mind you, he has never said any of this, it's just how I feel).

Thanks for listening

Marrin713 · March 2010

A deceased spouse can be a hard act to follow since the spouse was taken away unwillingly as opposed to a divorce. I don't have any experience with this so can't advise other than to tell you - - - DO NOT feel like a number two in his life. He is marrying you, and unless he is making overt insinuations that you are #2, please just relax and enjoy this time of planning and anticipation.

right1thistime · March 2010

My parents each lost a spouse prior to marrying each other. Because they had both been through it, I think it made it a bit easier. They also had a 16 year age difference. However, my mother (the younger of the two) was 35 when they married. I grew up in a family with 3 sides: my mom's, my dad's and my dad's first wife's family - who I knew as aunt, uncles and cousins. They welcomed my mother, and as she had us, the new children.

My thoughts are this. If you are feeling jealous of his life with her, or his love (both past and current) for her, it will create a problem for the two of you. If you can be at peace with the fact that his love/life with her and the painful loss in such a short time are part of who he is, and you can celebrate how you are reaping the benefits, then you will have one less hurdle to overcome.

And, please don't take this harshly - but you ARE number two. You will never be thefirst woman he said "I do" to. BUT, that doesn't mean that he loves you any less. And with each year that you are together, the love between the two of you becomes stronger and has more value. Honestly you don't want him to forget about her. She is a significant part of his life. But he will live in the here and now, WITH YOU, and will love you every day as well.

When my parents each buried their first spouses, they bought double graves, and had headstones placed with both of their names on them. At the time, they couldn't imagine not being buried there. But after 30 years together, they had a gravesite together, where my dad is now buried, and my mom will be as well. That's the testament of the value of being number two.

Now, if, as the PP said, there is something that he is saying or doing that is making you feel inferior, that is another whole story. If this issue troubles you, you might want to talk to a professional, to figure out why. ~Donna

trix1223 · March 2010

FWIW: I love my second child as much as I love my first. Just sayin'......

Marrin713 · March 2010

Good point Trix!

JenniferLuvsCandy · March 2010

Trix is good . . .Trix is wise.

Sue-n-Kevin · March 2010

I peeked at your bio, and the picture you have there shows 2 very happy people.

I lived in Massachusetts in the late 70's, early 80's (yes, before you were born!). I lived with a man who was 12 years older than I was. I was your age when I met him. He was not widowed, he was divorced. The age difference really was not that big a deal, other than the fact he had kids, and did not want any more. But he treated me with respect, something I did NOT find from guys my own age.

Based on the info you supplied, he got married 10 years ago, and has been a widower for 9 years. It sounds like he had a long time to grieve, and has found someone he now wants to spend the rest of his life with. As was said above, you ilterally are his second wife, but he has chosen you to be number one with him forever. I think that says a lot.

How does his family treat you? Do you feel the spectre of his first wife when around them? Was she so great that they allow it to overshadow welcoming you? Unless there is anything that is making you uneasy, I'd say he's probaby feeling pretty lucky to find love again with a beautiful woman.

Good luck.

handfast4me · March 2010

Retread, our board monitor, has been widowed. But I haven't seen her on the board lately. Maybe if she comes to visit she could lend some insight.

BeladonaUK · March 2010

I am writing to you from the other side...no not that other side. I am the widow and will be married again in June to my fiance, whom is almost ten years older than me. He is definitely my number one. They say 50% of marriages in America end in divorce. I suspect mine would have.It seems like your fiance was very young when he married and it was a long while ago. He may always have a small space in his heart for her, but love fades if not nurtured. If she was taken away so young, and he was completely in love with her, then you must be someone very special for him to even contemplate marriage again.
Take it from me, he probably doesn't take people for granted now and is probably more afraid of losing you than anything, after experiencing the untimely death of someone.
You may be the second wife (because you were only 13 ten years ago) But don't think you come in second in any other way.
Best wishes for a long and happy future.

carlyhayeskey · March 2010

I am in the opposite situation to you....I was widowed several years ago, my fiance has never been married.... We are both 28. I am trying to make the wedding as unique and special as I can for him, so that every memory is new for both of us. It will be a bittersweet occasion I know, but there is nobody else I would rather share it with than my family and fiance. Don't feel guilty, i'm sure your parter is so grateful for the happiness that you have brought into his life...I know I feel this way and I never thought I could be happy again...

Good luck to you

Carly x

pamila51510 · March 2010

My Grandmother & Grandfather were married after my Grandfather was married for 25 years to his first wife who passed away due to cancer. My Grandmother & he were married for 25 years as well before he passed away. They loved each other with all of their hearts and had an amazing relationship. My grandmother was in no way felt to be 2nd! She and he were a true testiment to marriage. He was a wonderful Grandfather although he was really a step grandparent. The point in all of this is that he loves you and wants you in his life. He isn't living in the past he is living for your future together.

petreco · March 2010

I am marrying a man who was widowed about 3 years ago. I understand where you are coming from. He has two children, 3 and 7, which really makes it tricky. She was pregnant with the youngest when she passed. I don't want anyone to think I am trying to replace her, but at the same time, I want to start a new life. So we have pictures of her in the kids' rooms. I think I mostly feel sad whenever I see them, because the boys will never know their real mom. I feel like he goes out of his way to make me feel secure in the relationship and that he loves me. But I know exactly where you are coming from. There is always this sense of feeling a little like an outsider stepping in to someone else's life.

emh777 · March 2010

Just remember, everything that has happened in his life, has led him to you.

pondering_gal · March 2010

Thanks for everyone's input. I can honestly say it has made me feel tremendously better!
It was never anything he said to make me feel that way, and his family is totally supportive of everything. In fact, his former Father-in-Law is one of his groomsmen!

You all are great! I can't thank you enough!

michaela080 · March 2010

I was widowed 2 1/2 years ago and am getting married again. I agree with what someone said about everything that has happened has led him to you. It's true I would still be with my first husband if he hadn't died, but that is not the case, so you accept it an move on. My first father-in-law is a minister and is the officiate at our wedding.

jessnjacob · May 2010

I was widowed just over two years ago and I am marrying again. I have 3 kids. FI is a few years younger, no kids never married. Like someone mentined before it is bittersweet, but I love him wholeheartedly. I am not trying to replace my first husband, nor my kids father. They have pictures of their dad in their room, and the play room. I am excited to start our new life together, not as a replacement but as a new beginning, a second chance.

Knittibell · June 2010

I'm the opposite of you. I married in 2004, and in 2005 I was a widow. At the time I was 28 and my husband was 32 when he died. Nearly 5 years after his death I am engaged again. I found a man who is not threatened by the love I'll always have for my late husband. He knows I love him- I certainly would not marry him were that not the case. There are certain days that always make me a little sad- late husband's birthday being one of them, and my FI is incredibly understanding about this. It means so much to me that I'm able to talk to him and not feel guilty about it. I'm 33 now and getting ready to plan my second wedding. I never thought I'd be here, but life doesn't always let us choose which way the path goes, and so I mainly focus on feeling very blessed to have found love twice in a lifetime.

I loved deeply, and will ALWAYS love my late husband. I wear the engagement ring he gave me on my right hand, and always will. I told him I'd wear it forever and I intend to. I joke with FI that he'd better never die on me, because I am out of fingers now! I know that people who were happy in marriage are likely to want to remarry, and I think it's true. Don't feel threatened by his late wife- she's a part of him, and always will be. Try and think of her as a friend who helped mold your man into the incredible guy I am sure he is. I am sure he loves you for YOU, and loves you very much. I hope this helps a bit.

My first, his second (widowed), both young - Any similar situations?

Re: My first, his second (widowed), both young - Any similar situations?

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