Guest list headaches already

Re: Guest list headaches already

• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  October 2012

  Uh, no, having your FI tell you that he wants to make a major decision about your life as a married couple only after talking to his mother does not "just come with the territory."  This is a decision you and he need to make together; he's either waiting to talk to his mother because he doesn't know how to make up his mind without mommy's help (not a good sign), or he's waiting to talk to his mother because he disagrees with you and is hoping she'll take his "side" so he can steamroll you with a 2 vs. 1 vote (an even worse sign).  I would be concerned about this if I were you. 

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• yoshijo member

  

  October 2012

  Is his mom contributing financially? If so, maybe she has some people she would really like to invite. However, I get the feeling that is not the case and he is used to running decisions by her in which case you need to have a discussion about this.

  

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• s-aries8990 member

  

  October 2012

  Ask him what he wants to discuss with his mother. Does he want to get her opinion on how the family will react? Or does he want to get her in his corner? 
  
  He shouldn't need her to finalize his decisions, and luckily there is time before Thanksgiving, so have a serious talk with him about this.

   

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  October 2012

  Agree, he shouldn't need to talk to his mother first.  I would have very, very serious concerns about this.  Does he usually make decisions for himself without he input?  Does he really just want to find out how the family will feel?  Or does he consult her on everything and base his decision on her opinions?  Theres a  big difference here.  I still sometimes go to my mom in certain areas where she has more information or experience than I do, but she is really good about making sure my final decision is mine and mine alone, or between FI and I.  She also is good at helping me see more than one side to a situation that I might not have considered before.  But, not all moms are like this.  Only you and your FI know which kind of mom she is, and only you know how he responds to her. 
  
  Also, your 'vision' and 'atmosphere' are one thing, but people are another.  Which is more important to you and FI?  Would you rather sacrifice having people who are important to one of you there, so you can have things look the way you want?  You FI might lean towards wanting the people there, you might lean towads the vision.  You need to sit down and talk about it and figure out how to incorporate both of those things to get what you both want.

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• giddyup72

  

  October 2012

  Yes, I should have been more clear-  We are 40 and live very independent lives. This is not a man who checks with mommy for anything.    I think he just wants her opinion about how those not invited will react. Like most men, he wants to avoid conflict (or the perception of conflict).  But I think he's built it into more in his head than it really is.
  
  It's easy for me to say b/c it's not my family, but I don't really care what anyone thinks. We are paying for this 100% ourselves and we are not taking a poll on any decisions.  When I said this goes with the territory, I meant the guest list squabbles, not checking with his mom.
  
  I'm glad that the holidays are coming b/c it will provide the perfect opportunity to see them all and manage everyone's expectations during the typical conversations that will happen.  I will be repeataing... oh we're planning a very small wedding, just immediate family and closest friends.  Yeah, I understand but this is what we're planning and what we can afford. 
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  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_guest-list-headaches-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:57b31202-1740-4321-87d6-d80c88e8e95cPost:b66b2f29-fb9b-47b3-b3fc-f2883490415f">Re: Guest list headaches already</a>:
  [QUOTE]Ask him what he wants to discuss with his mother. Does he want to get her opinion on how the family will react? Or does he want to get her in his corner?  He shouldn't need her to finalize his decisions, and luckily there is time before Thanksgiving, so have a serious talk with him about this.
  Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

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