Proposal / engaged poll

right1thistime · September 2011

I am puzzled by the comments that a couple isn't truly engaged unless there has been a proposal and a ring, but the two of them agree they are getting married and are planning a wedding.

blush64 · September 2011

I would say you're engaged once you both have agreed to be married.

If you aren't engaged until you get a diamond or a ring then I suppose my parents who have been married almost 40years still aren't engaged.

Also, my sisters are happpily married and neither had a formal proposal. (8 kids between them and years of happiness but no proposal)

And certainly, if there hasn't been an agreement to get married I don't think you could be engaged.

I really do like the don't box me in option because really, it's personal.
I have listed my opinion but someone else may have just the opposite idea.

EDIT There is HUGE difference in deciding together that you are getting married, and just talking about marriage. (as in married maybe someday vs. picking a date and planning) so two people deciding to get married (and then planning their wedding) IS engaged. Two people talking about someday getting married, maybe, is more of a case by case thing.

JostMarried · September 2011

I think it is what you want it to be - mostly. I am old-fashioned when it came to this and "we" weren't engaged until there was a proposal of "will you marry me" and yes - a ring.

cu97tiger · September 2011

I actually think it's when both parties agree that they are ENGAGED. My FI and I had talked about getting married (and agreed we would get married) for a year before he proposed. So for me, the proposal sealed the deal, but for others, they can agree that they are engaged without a ring or proposal. To each his own!

right1thistime · September 2011

Now cu97tiger, I actually like what you suggest. DH and I had talked about being married, knew we planned to be married, but I still referred to him as my friend. (Can I tell you how much I HATE that there is no term for a mature relationship partner?) Until he proposed, I said yes. There was no ring, we agreed to go purchase that together, and since we designed it, it took 3 months. So, after the proposal, I called him my fiance. But if we had agreed to be engaged, I would have been fine with that, too.
I usually want to pick don't box me in on polls, they never quite fit my way of thinking. ~Donna

mfeo24 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_proposal-engaged-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:ced0acb9-ef06-4846-92f0-4cb219c3bb3dPost:94bf4fff-28b5-45d2-90b2-024ded5d1627">Re: Proposal / engaged poll</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually think it's when both parties agree that they are ENGAGED. My FI and I had talked about getting married (and agreed we would get married) for a year before he proposed. So for me, the proposal sealed the deal, but for others, they can agree that they are engaged without a ring or proposal. To each his own!
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is pretty much how we did it. We agreed to get married, but saved the label of engaged for the proposal question/answer and ring. Doesn't have to be that way though, whatever works!

</div>

fireytiger · September 2011

Well, I think it depends. DH and I were talking about marriage very early on, he told me that he wanted to marry me, and I remember telling him on Thanksgiving only 2 months after we'd started dating, that if he were to ask me to marry him right now, I would probably say yes. We even moved in together that December. But NOBODY was satisfied to call us engaged until he actually proposed. We'd discussed it often, but there was never any point where we said "Ok, you want to marry me and I want to marry you, so we're engaged for that reason".

In fact, if just talking about it and agreeing someday we'd get married was all it took to be engaged, then me and my last serious relationship before DH were engaged for much longer than anybody knew, lol. That wasn't enough for him, he called me his girlfriend for years. Then I finally broke down and asked him to marry me and he said yes, but then he STILL said that didn't "count" until he asked me back, so he wouldn't let me tell anyone it'd ever happened. I'm sure it's not too hard for y'all to tell why that never worked out... but again, it really depends on the person.

handfast4me · September 2011

DH and I didn't call ourselves "engaged" until after our handfasting ceremony. That's when he gave me the ring (the tradition is she gets a piece of jewelry, he gets a weapon) and I gave him a dirk. He never really asked me, and I don't think that makes us any less married now.

I think that if everyone had to wait to be handfasted, then there would be a lot few engaged people around. See how silly that sounds? Same thing, folks. I think people react to whatever you're telling them, so if you're saying "he hasn't proposed yet" then they go by your definition.

Marrin713 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_proposal-engaged-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:ced0acb9-ef06-4846-92f0-4cb219c3bb3dPost:a7276f30-220c-4dfc-85b5-aa7d4c58abf2">Re: Proposal / engaged poll</a>:
[QUOTE]Now cu97tiger, I actually like what you suggest. DH and I had talked about being married, knew we planned to be married, but I still referred to him as my friend. <strong>(Can I tell you how much I HATE that there is no term for a mature relationship partner?)</strong> Until he proposed, I said yes. There was no ring, we agreed to go purchase that together, and since we designed it, it took 3 months. So, after the proposal, I called him my fiance. But if we had agreed to be engaged, I would have been fine with that, too. I usually want to pick don't box me in on polls, they never quite fit my way of thinking. ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

LOL yep, H and I kept trying out different terms. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounded like jr. high; lover sounded....well, illicit in a way; significant other sounded like we were gay (doesn't help that T's name can go either way); lady friend and gentleman friend sounded like we were already in a nursing home. I DID however have a fit when he suggested "companion." I said, "what am I; a labrador retriever?"

It was just easier to call each other husband or wife. How's THAT for a reason to get married? ;)

wink0erin · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_proposal-engaged-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:ced0acb9-ef06-4846-92f0-4cb219c3bb3dPost:94bf4fff-28b5-45d2-90b2-024ded5d1627">Re: Proposal / engaged poll</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually think it's when both parties agree that they are ENGAGED. My FI and I had talked about getting married (and agreed we would get married) for a year before he proposed. So for me, the proposal sealed the deal, but for others, they can agree that they are engaged without a ring or proposal. To each his own!
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

<div>Amen to this! Tiger is wise!</div>

right1thistime · September 2011

Marrin - YES! Actually one story I told DH when he was still my BF (or whatever the heck he was) was about a couple I met in my ICU. He was critically ill. Someone needed to make decisions for him. No health care agent. His parents were alive but estranged. His GF was listed as his "20 year life companion". Mom & Dad got to make decisions. (Thankfully, they recognized that she knew him much better than they did @ that point, and consulted her.) I told DH, "just so you know, I will NEVER be referred to as someone's 20 year life companion. I'd be LONG gone."

It sounds more like the faithful servant in a bad romance novel. ~Donna

handfast4me · September 2011

I have an entire bit in my comedy routine about what to call people when you're in your 50s and dating, but serious, not yet married. BOY sounds ridiculous. The punch line is so we HAD to get married to make holidays and introductions easier. :-)

ichellemay1 · September 2011

For me, it's between 1 and 4. I chose 4 though. FI and I were talking about getting married, but didn't really consider ourselves engaged until he proposed. We were going to do it without a ring - my wedding ring was his Mom's and doesn't really have a place for an engagement ring. I ended up getting a "right hand" ring to wear after we are married.

Scarlet Starlet 31 · September 2011

I would never call someone and say I'm engaged when I hadn't been proposed to yet-it's like telling someone you just made an omelette before you've cracked any of the eggs.

Marrin713 · September 2011

I don't know......if we talked marriage, set a date but did not have a ring, I would still consider myself engaged. There was a post on one of the boards where the couple did everything BUT buy the ring - I think they even picked the venue and made a deposit, but she did not consider herself engaged until she had the ring.

I voted #1 FTR.

ginadog · September 2011

None of the above!

It depends on what that individual couple feels makes them officially engaged. For example, we agreed to get married, we even talked about where to do it. But I really wanted a ring and proposal. Partly because I did not have either the first time around. Getting a second chance I knew I wanted it now. FI knew this.

Just depends on what that couple wants in order to be engaged. If they just agree, and neither feel it necessary for a ring or proposal then that's that for them.

But I have a feeling that some couples don't even talk about this stuff. They come on here asking, "Are we engaged? I mean we're talking about rings now!"

right1thistime · September 2011

I agree that when the couple agree they are engaged, they are. BUT, this poll came about more from the other angle. Don't you at least wonder a little when someone says, " We aren't engaged yet, but we have chosen our wedding date, picked the venue, put down deposits, asked the bridal party and I am looking at dresses."? Ummm, how can you NOT be engaged?

ginadog · September 2011

Yes I would wonder a little as well. Probably waiting for the ring/bended knee to make it real to them?

2dBride · September 2011

After we agreed to be married, NotFroofy said, "Does this mean we're engaged?" And I said yes. We never had engagement rings. And we've now been married for almost two years.

Logically, I would consider people engaged once they have agreed to be married. However, if the two of them want to reserve the "engaged" status until there has been a ring/proposal, that's fine with me. Just don't try to tell me when I'm engaged!

Marrin713 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_proposal-engaged-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:ced0acb9-ef06-4846-92f0-4cb219c3bb3dPost:474af28c-ab20-4024-9ba2-c11403a35900">Re: Proposal / engaged poll</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that when the couple agree they are engaged, they are. BUT, this poll came about more from the other angle. Don't you at least wonder a little when someone says, " We aren't engaged yet, but we have chosen our wedding date, picked the venue, put down deposits, asked the bridal party and I am looking at dresses."? Ummm, how can you NOT be engaged?
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

That's what I'm saying. If you're not engaged, then what the *f* ARE you?

Sue-n-Kevin · September 2011

I also voted for #1, seems a popular choice.

Kevin asked me to marry him (in a very TMI, you don't want to hear the circumstances) sort of way. I said "yes". At that point, I suspect you could say we were "engaged". But that was an internal interpretation between us, not widely circulated to the "public/friends/family".

A few weeks later we passed a jeweler going out of business, found a ring, went to the bank and jointly withdrew enough money to pay cash for it (they would only accept cash). At that point, we have a ring.

We delayed the announcement because my teen daughter had issues with her Dad's wife and was at a very vulnerable stage in her acceptance of her Mom getting married. She liked Kevin, but wasn't all too sure of giving in 100%.

When my son was leaving for grad school in DC 2 years ago, we had my parents over for a nice BBQ. Kevin approached them, and my kids, and asked for their blessings in our future marriage. They all said "yes".

At THAT point I said he needed to get on his knees in front of my family and "propose" (this was in a joking way, not forcefully or mean). He did it, and from that point forward we started planning.

So, any of the answers might fit us. I think there are many different interpretations of "engaged" that fit any one couple's circumstances. I think the term applies when two people agree to marry.

The term I like is from "ancient times" and that is calling each other your "Intended". "My intended" means I intend to marry this person. But call someone that when introducing them to another and they'll think you are totally loony, LOL.

ReidBreiling · September 2011

He asked me. No ring. I said yes. I have a ring now...but I didnt care that I didnt have one at the time of proposal.

jdrose5 · September 2011

I picked don't box me in. To me it varies couple to couple.   My room mate was planning her wedding, had a date set and everything. However she didn't feel engaged till he asked her to marry him with a ring.

My FI and I talked about getting married.   However we didn't see ourselves as engaged till he actually asked me to marry him and he didn't have a ring.

My cousin views herself as engaged because they have agreed they are getting married. He never asked her they were talking about gettng married and he asked only if they could consider themselves engaged.

Is one of our engagements more valid than the other. Not to me.   What is important to the couple is what I think matters.

tktranch · January 2012

My FI were looking at rings in August and put money down on one when he asked if I wanted it. I knew that was his marriage proposal, and he told every one we knew at the rodeo that night that we were engaged. I just didn't feel it unil he actually put the ring on my finger Oct 12. So I guess for me the answer would be that it isn't officia unitl the ring is on the finger.

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