wedding or not?

SarahHermosa · June 2010

Good morning ladies,

My bf and I plan on getting engaged this summer, and I have a feeling the ring will be on my finger soon (i know he bought it)!

We have talked about weddings for awhile now. I have never dreamed of having a wedding, but rather dreamed of being married. I dreamed of getting married on a beach with just the two of us there. He has shared that he wants a wedding, I think it is because he wants to invite his family and friends, because he went to theirs. I think he feels obligated, but whatever the reason is, I think he wants one. I told him, I would never take that away from him, so we can do a wedding if that is what he wants. I am not interested in the cost of the wedding, or the hassle of planning it. Weddings seem to lead to so many problems. My dream, once I get that ring is to have a house, which is costly, so I don't see the reason to spend 20,000 on one day.

Anyways I had thought of ideas to make this wedding happen:

1. Cabo destination wedding (but i have a sister who is preggo and will have newborn twins, and she is not interested in taking them to Mexico).

2. A casual beach wedding (we live in Los Angeles, CA), and a casual reception. But there is nothing about LA venues that helps keep things casual. We met on the beach and are very casual people.

3. Fork over the cash and do a full-out wedding

Help... Any suggestions?

Thank you. I hope I don't sound upset or annoyed, but I am rather trying to be realistic.

Sarah

Buggalo · June 2010

My advice is to chill out and get the ring first. THEN worry about what type of wedding you'll have.

MidniteRae · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wedding-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9e5aaae9-1765-4dfd-bd96-4ffc164604edPost:939b97ab-fc8f-4ba6-9f10-6365264e8fb9">wedding or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Good morning ladies, My bf and I plan on getting engaged this summer, and I have a feeling the ring will be on my finger soon (i know he bought it)! We have talked about weddings for awhile now. I have never dreamed of having a wedding, but rather dreamed of being married. I dreamed of getting married on a beach with just the two of us there. He has shared that he wants a wedding, I think it is because he wants to invite his family and friends, because he went to theirs. I think he feels obligated, but whatever the reason is, I think he wants one. I told him, I would never take that away from him, so we can do a wedding if that is what he wants. I am not interested in the cost of the wedding, or the hassle of planning it. Weddings seem to lead to so many problems. My dream, once I get that ring is to have a house, which is costly, so I don't see the reason to spend 20,000 on one day. Anyways I had thought of ideas to make this wedding happen: 1. Cabo destination wedding (but i have a sister who is preggo and will have newborn twins, and she is not interested in taking them to Mexico). 2. A casual beach wedding (we live in Los Angeles, CA), and a casual reception. But there is nothing about LA venues that helps keep things casual. We met on the beach and are very casual people. 3. Fork over the cash and do a full-out wedding Help... Any suggestions? Thank you. I hope I don't sound upset or annoyed, but I am rather trying to be realistic. Sarah
Posted by SarahHermosa[/QUOTE]

Get engaged first. Then you can worry about what kind of wedding you will have.

Simply Fated · June 2010

I think you're jumping the gun a bit.
I mean, it's fine to talk about these things with him beforehand, but I wouldn't start going ahead and making definite plans, yet. I mean, not only are you not engaged yet, but these are things you should be planning with him.

PaigeMcC · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wedding-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9e5aaae9-1765-4dfd-bd96-4ffc164604edPost:13a7d916-2426-42a5-bc55-b6d36ff4f7f7">Re: wedding or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]My advice is to chill out and get the ring first. THEN worry about what type of wedding you'll have.
Posted by Buggalo[/QUOTE]

<div>Good advice.</div><div>
</div><div>FI and I talked about what we wanted before we were engaged BUT nothing is ever set in stone. I still don't know what's happening with my wedding but there's plently of time to figure it out. Don't stress about a wedding that you don't have a ring, date or groom for. Just enjoy - there's lots of time to stress when you're engaged.</div>

chipypony · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wedding-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9e5aaae9-1765-4dfd-bd96-4ffc164604edPost:939b97ab-fc8f-4ba6-9f10-6365264e8fb9">wedding or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Good morning ladies, My bf and I plan on getting engaged this summer, and I have a feeling the ring will be on my finger soon (i know he bought it)! We have talked about weddings for awhile now. <strong>I have never dreamed of having a wedding, but rather dreamed of being married. I dreamed of getting married on a beach with just the two of us there.</strong> He has shared that he wants a wedding, I think it is because he wants to invite his family and friends, because he went to theirs. I think he feels obligated, but whatever the reason is, I think he wants one. I told him, I would never take that away from him, so we can do a wedding if that is what he wants. I am not interested in the cost of the wedding, or the hassle of planning it. Weddings seem to lead to so many problems. My dream, once I get that ring is to have a house, which is costly, so I don't see the reason to spend 20,000 on one day. Anyways I had thought of ideas to make this wedding happen: 1. Cabo destination wedding (but i have a sister who is preggo and will have newborn twins, and she is not interested in taking them to Mexico). 2. A casual beach wedding (we live in Los Angeles, CA), and a casual reception. But there is nothing about LA venues that helps keep things casual. We met on the beach and are very casual people. 3. Fork over the cash and do a full-out wedding Help... Any suggestions? Thank you. I hope I don't sound upset or annoyed, but I am rather trying to be realistic. Sarah
Posted by SarahHermosa[/QUOTE]

First of all, what do you think is the difference between a wedding and a marriage, because a "marriage on the beach" is still a wedding. A marriage is a relationship, not a party no matter how many people come or don't come.

Anyway, I say worry about all of that when you are actually engaged. A wedding does not have to cost $20,000 there are plenty of ways to cut costs. Also, are you really sure of your budget? Again, he may have bought the ring and you may have discussed getting engaged this summer but it does not necessarily mean it will happen. Some people wait a long time after the ring has been bought to get it.

How old are you? How long have you been together?

catemeg · June 2010

I can understand wanting to figure out a way to do this that will fit BOTH your visions.

First, obviously he's a key part in this decision. We can all brainstorm, but you need to make this decision together. Obviously none of us are supporting booking a venue or anything until you're engaged, but I totally understand wanting to be able to imagine a way to make it work. The moment you're engaged, people will start asking questions, so it's not a bad thing to have at least a rough sketch of what you'd BOTH want to do.

First, you can do a small beach wedding somewhere in the US - if LA is expensive, check out San Diego. Try a central coast beach.

Or even do a destination wedding on the opposite coast - go to Cape Cod, Massachussets or Rhode Island for a fun feel (a fall wedding in New England would be gorgeous and less expensive than a mid-summer wedding, also considerably less crowded). That way your sister won't have to travel to a country with unsafe water.

First, find out what his motivations really are. You should both write down who you ABSOLUTELY could not see getting married without (your sister, parents, etc.) and then a list of who you'd like to invite (extended family, friends who invited you to their wedding, etc.). If he feels like he needs to invite certain people but personally doesn't care if they're there, then a destination wedding will help you accomplish that (though be prepared for several to come).

Also, if you do it at a hotel/resort that is used to having weddings, they can usually do most of the planning for you. Definitely hire a wedding planner, as you seem very uninterested in the details. Give them a concept and a budget, and let them know what amount of involvement you want (a thumbs up/thumbs down role, or specific things you want involved).

Hazel_B · June 2010

Good advice from pps. Take your time and don't stress yourself out before you really need too.

The only reason I bring this up is that you are from LA. My BF's sister got married on a boat that sailed from Newport Beach. From what my BF said it seemed to be on the more casual side.

SarahHermosa · June 2010

I am a 28 year old teacher and he is 34 year old engineer. We have lived together for a year, and dated for a year and a half. He told me he is proposing before the end of the summer, he told me when I inquired about the timing, so we can plan out our future together. He owns a house, that we live in. We are mature and just planning things out. I understand some people saying I am jumping the gun, and I understand, I guess if I read my post I would think that too. But considering our ages and our relationship, an engagement would be no surprise and just the next step.

I appreciate the support and advice from the women who did answer the post, and you gave me some good ideas, : looking at SD or central coast. Anything in LA would probably be expensive, but I do have time to keep looking. As far as flying to a cheaper location, I would love to do that, thats a great idea, but unfortunately I have to keep my guest's budgets in mind.

We did create a guest list, and he is one of 6 siblings (whom a few are married with kids), and has a large extended family who he feels the need to invite. I have a small family, and smaller group of friends than he does., But still the number would be 90-130 people. It would be really hard to say we are having a small wedding when in his imediate family he has 5 other siblings, three are married with 2-3 kids each, and he has two large cousin families. I think we counted his family alone and it was 37 people!!!!

jeanacorina · June 2010

DH and I realized AFTER we got engaged that neither of us really cared to have a wedding. We always just THOUGHT we'd do it, but once he had proposed and we sat down to talk about it, we said "You know what? We don't really want to invite everyone."

However, circumstances changed so we couldn't afford to take off to a beach or something, and my parents offered to help pay for a wedding with a guest list. We determined we'd have about 100 people, and decided we'd rather have everyone than go to the JOP by ourselves.

Planning that wedding is the most stressful, miserable thing I HAVE EVER DONE. Sure, we had a lot of fun and so did our guests. The actual day itself went off without a hitch. It was beautiful.

But if I had it to do over again, I'd elope.

Anyway, just something to consider. If it's not something you REALLY want to do, you guys need to sit down and really talk about that. It may be way more than you want to deal with. It certainly was for me.

SarahHermosa · June 2010

Jeana, Thank you for your advice, That relaxes me a bit. My bf is very reasonable and likes to make me happy, maybe when we get to that point the conversation can be brought up again.

Thanks again.

Sarah

hetshup · June 2010

Get married on the beach in Malibu and have dinner at Neptune's Net. It'll be a story at least.

KD+BC · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wedding-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9e5aaae9-1765-4dfd-bd96-4ffc164604edPost:a5d7892c-2e24-4c26-8d1a-d6d90cb87295">Re: wedding or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to wedding or not? : First of all, what do you think is the difference between a wedding and a marriage, because a "marriage on the beach" is still a wedding. A marriage is a relationship, not a party no matter how many people come or don't come.
Posted by chipypony[/QUOTE]

This really confused me too Chipy.

I say, get engaged and see what happens. I was dead set on getting married in the summer my whole life. Once we got engaged and started looking at things like savings and time off and everything we realized that October would work best. Now I'm really excited to be getting married in the fall. Don't worry about it until you have to!

SarahHermosa · June 2010

Clarification: I have dreamed of having a husband.... not dreaming of paying for or organizing or even having a wedding like I believe a lot of girls do.

It's not a priority of mine.

Gamette · June 2010

I agree with waiting until the ring is there, then maybe talking to both sets of parents and see what happens. I'm 28 also, and my BF is 38. I have been engaged twice before, but things never quite made it down the aisle. The first time we were planning a small beach wedding, the second we were going to have a formal wedding in a remodeled opera house. Things can change a lot once that ring is on your finger. I'm really trying not to thing about what might happen if BF pops the question soon, and it's hard not to daydream. lol.

BrideToBeBecauseHeLovesMe · June 2010

Get the ring, obviously. Then just talk to him. Clearly he loves you and will be willing to compromise. Who says it has to be either/or? Find out his reasoning, explain yours, and find a way to mix both ways with who you both are.

But get the ring first. :P

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