Update on elopement

AshnRobo · May 2012

We had a very long talk last night. The reality is he is just emotional that his family won't be there. Which I totally get. He is also nervous about having to mingle with people he doesn't know (my college friends/distant family/parent's clients) even more so since his family won't be present. He doesn't want to explain why. I get all of that.

Here is the compromise we came up with. Please let me know if this is a major no-no.

Firstly, (I don't think there is a problem with this) we are going to try to find a high quality web cam that can stream the ceremony to his family. I know they exist. I just need to find one. Any suggestions?

Second, instead of a receiving line (which sounds like hell on earth to me) or going around to every table I suggested we just make a speech and thank everyone for coming. Is that a bad no-no? I know you should mingle, and odds are we most likely will. I just don't want him to feel like we have to go up to every single person. Our guest list is over 200! That would take all night...

lbarr088 · May 2012

I think a general speech is OK ... but I'm not sure that it's a great thing to do etiquette-wise. Guests took the time to make arrangements to come to the wedding and maybe even give a gift so the least you can do is give them a personal "thank you," KWIM?

AshnRobo · May 2012

I do. It's just...he has asperger's and one of his things is crowds. He was fine before b/c he said he would know a good mix of people and we can take our time. Now that his family isn't coming, he is already having panic attacks. Most of my friends and family know that he has that problem, and know crowds are an issue. So, I don't think they would be offended. Plus, I really think we will get time with most people.

Is it okay for me to go talk to people myself? I read somewhere that the b&g shouldn't be sperated the whole night, but I'd hate myself if I made him uncomfortable by doing something I know would hurt him...

lbarr088 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_update-on-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ef6e4eab-2a07-4d09-97c2-288f762c51eaPost:1b8fc306-ea9b-45a9-8198-5371529d77e6">Re: Update on elopement</a>:
[QUOTE]I do. It's just...he has asperger's and one of his things is crowds. He was fine before b/c he said he would know a good mix of people and we can take our time. Now that his family isn't coming, he is already having panic attacks. Most of my friends and family know that he has that problem, and know crowds are an issue. So, I don't think they would be offended. Plus, I really think we will get time with most people. Is it okay for me to go talk to people myself?<strong> I read somewhere that the b&g shouldn't be sperated the whole night</strong>, but I'd hate myself if I made him uncomfortable by doing something I know would hurt him...
Posted by AshnRobo[/QUOTE]

<div>I think this is a little ridiculous TBH. I just keep thinking of holding hands in the bathroom or something, lol.</div><div>
</div><div>In your situation I think it would be okay, especially since guests are aware of the circumstances with your FI. Do a speech thanking everyone and go to tables where he feels comfortable... if not, let him hang with friends and say your quick "hellos and thank yous" on your own with those he is not comfortable with. </div>

Callmefia · May 2012

I just read your first post this morning, and I'm starting to see things from your FI's point of view a little now and I feel a little bad for him. That does sound tough.

I think I would feel pretty bad if my family couldn't attend and my FI had a huge guest list (is there anything you can do to remedy this at all, I have no idea what this story is). Can you cut down your side and have a smaller guestlist? Why are your parent's clients coming to your wedding? Maybe a good compromise is to cut out your distant relatives and your parents clients. Sounds like that would relieve some of his stress.

AshnRobo · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_update-on-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ef6e4eab-2a07-4d09-97c2-288f762c51eaPost:cacbd001-84c8-4680-9223-aba9bdafcca6">Re: Update on elopement</a>:
[QUOTE]I just read your first post this morning, and I'm starting to see things from your FI's point of view a little now and I feel a little bad for him. That does sound tough. I think I would feel pretty bad if my family couldn't attend and my FI had a huge guest list (is there anything you can do to remedy this at all, I have no idea what this story is). Can you cut down your side and have a smaller guestlist? Why are your parent's clients coming to your wedding? Maybe a good compromise is to cut out your distant relatives and your parents clients. Sounds like that would relieve some of his stress.
Posted by Callmefia[/QUOTE]

I'd like to start off by saying. I agree with you. I feel for him too, and I get where he is coming from.

My parents are contributing to the wedding now (not much, but enough to help relieve a bit of stress). So, they get some say in the guest list. I cut their share down from 50 to 10 though. The clients that are coming are people that have been clients for at least 8 years and have been a part of my life. These are people we have gone on vacations with so they are more than just clients. One family my FI has even gone on vacation with; so, he knows them! :)

I know my list is pretty big, but he has at least 75 friends invited. So he will know a lot of people. The distant relatives I doubt will come. I don't even know them and I know my mom will have to tell me who they are. I asked her if we could skip them, but it was important to her for them to be there.

Our list started with well over 500. We have done quite a bit of cutting, and I have made it a point to have him keep all of his original guests. He's cut some, but he did it with me protesting.

I honestly think the whole thing will be fine. He's just getting himself worried. He's never been to a wedding; he really has no idea how they work. I wish someone we know would get married soon so he can see. :/

AshnRobo · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_update-on-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ef6e4eab-2a07-4d09-97c2-288f762c51eaPost:7325dffa-1e3b-45e8-914a-20c4fa737c9c">Re: Update on elopement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Update on elopement : I think this is a little ridiculous TBH. I just keep thinking of holding hands in the bathroom or something, lol. In your situation I think it would be okay, especially since guests are aware of the circumstances with your FI. Do a speech thanking everyone and go to tables where he feels comfortable... if not, let him hang with friends and say your quick "hellos and thank yous" on your own with those he is not comfortable with.
Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

That is a really good idea. I think that would work out quite well. Thank you!

SCogs18 · May 2012

Your poor FI! I think your plan to go to tables and do a speech are totally fine, especially since friends/family will know he has asperger's. I'm glad things are going to work out.

josephwedding · May 2012

First, oh man! I'm glad you two talked and I agree that making a peech & going to some tables should be totally fine.

And what kind of computer do you have, PC or Mac? I can ask my FI for a suggestion on a web cam for you guys!

volleygurl0306 · May 2012

Agree with PP that your plan sounds fine! That is a lot of people to see so I'm sure if you make your way around and send out personal thank you notes, people will still feel thanked and will understand!

AshnRobo · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_update-on-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ef6e4eab-2a07-4d09-97c2-288f762c51eaPost:56a29421-31b7-4bd0-aa26-1be47fa228cd">Re: Update on elopement</a>:
[QUOTE]First, oh man! I'm glad you two talked and I agree that making a peech & going to some tables should be totally fine. And what kind of computer do you have, PC or Mac? I can ask my FI for a suggestion on a web cam for you guys!
Posted by josephwedding[/QUOTE]

We have both. FI is actually an Apple Genius, but knows very little about webcams.

Sadly, we have so many computers I don't even know what we have.

BMcLeodTeam · May 2012

I think your plan will work fine, especially with people being aware of why your FI wouldn't be comfortable with a receiving line or going to all the tables.

CowgirlK39 · May 2012

I honestly think this is a case where your FI's comfort trumps what people consider proper. The speech is fine, and then you can visit with your people, and he can visit with his. If someone in particular wants to meet him, you can arrange a minute for them to say hi to him or whatever. The webcam thing is a GREAT idea! How cool technology is these days.

QueerFemme · May 2012

I think you have a perfect plan. And, I imagine, as the reception goes on... people will come and talk to you... and it will just be a more "casual" meet & greet, instead of the formal "going to all of the tables" thing. My reception is going to very very informal. People will be mingling... wandering around. We are even setting up lawn bowling and a few other games for the kids in the park behind the reception venue. So, people will just be hanging out. We aren't going up to each table either, because I am betting half of the time, no one will be sitting there and people will be moving around.

Do what is best for your sweetie... if crowds make him nervous... your workaround sounds perfectly acceptable!

And, YAY for having such a great conversation/communication! I am ALL about having hard conversations. They suck, but everyone always feels better after !

AshnRobo · May 2012

Thanks everyone! You've all made me feel a lot better ettiquette-wise.

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