Religion woes vent

mymissingpuzzlepiece · April 2012

Hey everyone

I don't know if any one remembers the issues my FI and I were having with our weddding ceremony. Just in case you don't, to sum it up basically FI's parents said they wouldn't come to our wedding if we didn't have male, Christian officiant. The officiant we wanted was female and was not identified as having any particular faith. FI and his parents talked it over and then came to the conclusion that they just wanted us to be happy so we could do what we wanted and they would be there.

After all of that craziness, I thought that we had finished with issues dealing with religion. Well, about a month ago my dad said in addition to our outdoor ceremony.. he would like us to also be married at a church. He said he wanted us to be allowed to enter heaven or something like that... Instead of arguing with him, we just agreed to it because it would make him really happy. In reality I really don't want to have two ceremonies and especially one that is in a church because churches make me uncomfortable. But FI and I are okay with it because it makes everyone happy.

I was literally done discussing religion until apparently until last night when my dad starting talking about our church ceremony. He said it was important because it is a certain right to Catholicism and then we will be able to have our children be Baptized, go through Communion and Confirmation and all that. We don't want our children to do all of that!! I don't know what to do now...

Is there a way to tell them somehow that we will not be doing that without

everyone freaking out? My FI and I are Agnostic, if you were or are Agnostic, would you have your children Baptized? Are you baptizing your children?

flygirlmeg · April 2012

I think you really should put your foot down on this one and NOT have a church ceremony. Churches make you uncomfortable? Then DON'T have a church ceremony!! Plus, if you cave on having the church ceremony, it opens the door to your parents pressuring you to baptism, communion, etc. I'm a recovering Catholic - left the church years ago - but my mom is still very Catholic so I went through a bit of this. FI and I told her WAY before we were even engaged that we didn't ever foresee getting married in the church. I think laying the groundwork for that helped her to accept it. Also, my dad isn't religious at all and he helps - he told her it's our wedding, our ceremony, and that we should do it however we want.
Maybe you can talk to them logically about things . . . explain that you don't plan on baptizing your children, etc. If you don't plan on living your life in the church and raising your children in the church AND you don't even believe in the religion, then it's disengenuous to have a church ceremony. Explain those things to your dad and then tell him you and FI are in no way comfortable having a church ceremony. You aren't getting married to please anyone else so you shouldn't have an extra wedding ceremony (in a faith you don't believe in) just to please anyone else.

Guess you can tell I feel pretty strongly about that one!! Anyway, we don't plan on baptizing our future children into any particular religion. FI and I aren't religious but we do consider ourselves spiritual in that we believe in doing the right thing, living good lives, and trying to think of others first (we aren't very good at that last one though!). We both feel that religion should be a personal choice. We plan on teaching our children about various religions and helping them explore when and if they choose to. But we don't want to force it down their throats. And I think your dad shouldn't force it down yours!!

Swazzle · April 2012

Ditto PP. If you're not religious & do not share the beliefs of the church then I personally see it as lying & really disrespectful to get married in that church.

FI & I are not religious & therefore will not be baptizing our children.

bethsmiles · April 2012

Meg and Yaga said it better than I could have. Obviously religion is going to be an issue in the future so it's better to put your foot down now. I can understand wanting to avoid conflict but in the end being honest about how you feel about all of this now is going to save you a lot of stress and headaches in the future.

CASK85 · April 2012

When you get married in the Catholic church you have to promise (during your marriage ceremony) to raise your children in the Catholic faith. If you don't intend to, then you just shouldn't get married in the Catholic chuch to begin with. No matter what you father may want. . . like the other ladies said, it is time to take a stand as an adult.

thejucheidea · April 2012

Is there a way to tell them somehow that we will not be doing that without

everyone freaking out?

Probably not, but you have to do it anyway. I'm going to have to have that conversation with Tyler's family in the future because his dad's side is very Southern Baptist, but I don't feel comfortable paying lip service to the church by having a church ceremony when neither one of us are Christian.

My FI and I are Agnostic, if you were or are Agnostic, would you have your children Baptized? Are you baptizing your children?

We're both Buddhist, and I would feel uncomfortable christening children, as we would not be raising them Christian. If when they get older, they decide to subscribe to a religion that involves baptism, then they can be baptized of their own accord. We're not going to be raising our children with any specific religion but instead opening the doors to whatever religion they find to fit them, as that is what my parents did for me -- that's one thing that Tyler sort of envies from my childhood.

mymissingpuzzlepiece · April 2012

You all are right. I didn't know how much a Catholic ceremony entails, and I think that definitely would be something I have go over with him to explain that it doesn't make sense for us to be married in a Catholic church. This is going to be really hard, but I know you girls are right.... I have to do it now.

ravenray · April 2012

I don't understand why you took a stand with one set of parents and not the other.

That aside, don't get married the Catholic church, yaga is right you have to promise to raise your children in the faith and you would have to lie to the priest about believing. Also it is really disrespectful to people who believe that because you don't give two cents about it.

Please stand your ground on this one.

Also Yaga and Meg said it best.

mymissingpuzzlepiece · April 2012

Ray and Yaga, you are both right. It doesn't make any sense why I said okay to the my parents about this one. FI was sitting with me at the table with me and my dad when my dad and I talked about this and he was completely involved with the conversation. He didn't mind it either.

I know this doesn't make it right, but I thought that what his parents were suggesting was out of line and disrespectful. Telling us that they wouldn't come to the wedding if we didn't have a male officiant... wth is that about? My dad never threatened us about not attending the wedding if we didn't have a Catholic ceremony. He just kindly asked the two of us if we could do the ceremony, and we said okay with out really thinking about. Now I regret our decision.. It wasn't just my idea, it was both of ours.

ravenray · April 2012

I agree that his parents were totally out of line.
I think you should just sit down with your dad and tell him kindly that you have done some research on what a catholic service entails and that you aren't comfortable doing that. Since nothing is set in stone yet you should be ok.

mymissingpuzzlepiece · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_religion-woes-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6f9a51ff-6eaf-4ae9-8a8c-f5a138034ce6Post:b0c4b96e-b5c5-4015-b0b1-dfb539c9643c">Re: Religion woes **vent**</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that his parents were totally out of line. <strong>I think you should just sit down with your dad and tell him kindly that you have done some research on what a catholic service entails and that you aren't comfortable doing that.</strong> Since nothing is set in stone yet you should be ok.
Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the advice. After reading all of the posts, this is what I will be doing.

motoLyn · April 2012

I'm glad that you found the answers you were looking for. I just want to say you need to get to the point where you both can stand up for yourselves. You're still a year out and you have run into these issues. I just wonder as the date gets closer what you may encounter if you two have idea of what you two want in your wedding.

mymissingpuzzlepiece · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_religion-woes-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6f9a51ff-6eaf-4ae9-8a8c-f5a138034ce6Post:ebe920c6-c135-4b6f-b8a0-eaa1fd17b285">Re: Religion woes **vent**</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm glad that you found the answers you were looking for. I just want to say you need to get to the point where you both can stand up for yourselves. You're still a year out and you have run into these issues. <strong> I just wonder as the date gets closer what you may encounter if you two have idea of what you two want in your wedding.</strong>
Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]

<div>What do you mean?</div>

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