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Living situation post-marriage: Update

SonaliPopSonaliPop member
500 Comments
in South Asian Weddings
So a while ago, I posted a question wondering how many of you were living with your in-laws or your feelings about it and mentioned how the issue was basically tearing my boyfriend and I apart. We're bound to get engaged in the next few months (I think he is going to ask me on a trip later this year, we're looking at Greece!) and this issue has bothered us since day one.

Basically, everything exploded in our face and we talked about it and to be honest, his parents are older than mine and have health problems. Knowing how much he was stressing over how he could make me happy and the future guilt of something happening to them without him being there caused me to really let go of the notion of living alone for the first few years, then living with them. Yes, I really wanted to spend the first few years of our marriage alone and then live with them but the minute I heard how hurt he was and scared he was about something happening to his parents (his Dad sometimes loses conciousness - he fell off of a ladder once and he couldn't help him and his Mom recently just fained in the kitchen), it pretty much melted my heart. He does want to live alone and he sees the good in having our own space but I can't be a super b**tch and push the issue. If he's happy, I'm happy, and there are some things you have to give up...and I think this may be it. I think I'm making the right decision. I don't want to lose the person I love over this situation.

They really depend on their son and could live without him if they had to for a good few years, but I can't live with the guilt of knowing how much his guilt would bother him.

So I think that issue has been decided.

Thanks to all of you who had given me advice on that previous post.
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Re: Living situation post-marriage: Update

  • HinajHinaj member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well marriage is all about compromise.  You don't have any problem with them like some of us do with our FMIL so I think you will be fine.  I am glad both of you came to a decision.  I am sure you will be fine.  But its better to decide and know these things ahead of time to avoid all the fighting and arguing later. I am glad you got it figured out.
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  • trueleo818trueleo818
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    my FI wants to move to Australia after the wedding. =/
    I dont think I'll be able to because of Med school.

    I think you guys living with his parents would make you guys become even closer to what you already are... might be a good thing,no?
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  • HisBelovedOneHisBelovedOne
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm glad you two came to a solution that works for you,

    My FI is back and forth on whether to move in with his parents or not. I keep thinking not, because while it would save us money (his only reason), it would also make life difficult. We'd be trying to cram seven people (his parents and brother, us, a friend who's liviing with them, and my son - plus all son's therapy equipment) and two dogs (his family's big 8-yr-old scaredy-dog and my small, 3-yr-old fearless one, who don't always get along; Scamp annoys Molly with his rambunctious puppyness) into one house.
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  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, with us, it's just him, me, his parents. His sister is soon to be engaged and then married after that. We have a separate living room and our bedroom / bathroom, etc are on the third floor of the house, his parents are on the second. 7 people is a lot!!!
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  • raangoliraangoli
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I am glad to hear that you came to a resolution that you are both comfortable with.

    I can empathize with your FI; my parents are older than my FI's mother and my father has not been in the best health recently. I live separate from them now and we will after we get married, but I am sure eventually there will be a joint living situation.

    Your future inlaws sound very understanding from what I read in your previous posts and at least you have a space all to yourselves on the third floor. I am sure it will all work out for the best :)
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  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yeah.

    I think I woke up and realized, this man is scared out of his mind because he wants to make me happy and his parents happy and he's scared I'll leave because I won't compromise in order to ensure his parents safety. Yeah, even if we live with them we can't prevent everything, but it made me realize how much I needed to let it go. I waited my whole life for this guy, and this has been a huge problem in our relationship. I know he's going to pop the question sometime in the next six months (we've discussed it frequently) and this was barring us from moving forward. It was just too much to see him so upset and worried about how to make all of us happy. It's nice to know someone out there loves me that much.
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  • jnsainijnsaini
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Hi Sonali

    So happy to hear you come to a decision for the better of everyone!! Sounds like both of you have grown in the relationship, and you two see each others points of view! Your inlaws do sound very nice indeed!, take a lot of fun trips with him after you get married and you will have your own personal time away too! enjoy greece, my sis went there and had an amazing time, its a very romantic place..perfect for a proposal!


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  • jnsainijnsaini
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Also Sonali, did you see the reply i posted for the skin issue post that you put up!
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  • chaudhryschaudhrys member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sonali,

    So happy you came to decision!  It sounds as though you have an in law suite from the US in reverse.  The fact that both of you are so open about discussing before the wedding, shows the maturity you are approaching this marriage with.  It's awesome. Here's to hoping we are doing the same.
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  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think it's important to talk about it before we get married or engaged. We know where we're heading and the last thing anyone wants to do is get married and then realize both parties expected something different.

    I expect this will be a really hard adjustment for me because I pictured it being so different. Having our own place for a few years, doing stupid things like picking out dishes together, not having to worry about anyone else being around...

    But it's different in his house. My FI runs the show and he makes the money and handles all the major decisions. So, I know his parents are not going to try to control a lot of things.

    Besides, he's willing to compromise. We have a dog and I always wanted one of my own as I got older so he told his parents the other day that regardless of their opinion, sometime after marriage we'll be getting a dog at home. It's an adjustment for them, too!

    Jnsaini - I saw your post today! Thank you for the response! I may actually try that out! :)
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