Have To Change Wedding Date Due To Ex...Stressed!!! Advice would be appreciated.

DaisyDollJ · May 2012

Okay, this is a second marriage for both of us and my FH and I have been planning our wedding for about a year now. We had chosen November but because it became my future step son's wedding month (his first marriage) we changed ours to June 23rd. Two weeks ago we realized that date wasn't going to happen due to an unforeseen issue that we have no control over...it involves my FH's ex. She keeps using health problems and the legal system to tie up time and money. She believes if she holds on tight enough he will reunite with her. (It's quite lengthy to explain.) Now...here we are less than two months away and we have to push the date back due to pending court dates. It would be far too stressful to have our wedding in the middle of a court drama.

This is where it gets tricky. Settling on a new date has become a night mare. I am all but ready to pull my hair out.

1) July is out of the question because my oldest son can't come, he and his fiance are going to Vegas to marry. Due to the nature of his job, he isn't able to take off any more days that month. I can't imagine him not being there with my future daughter, step grand daughter and my new grand baby. Also, many of our family and friends have planned vacations for July.

2) August is the month my FH's son is getting married. Yes, the same son who had the November wedding planned. They had troubles and cancelled but picked August because ours was to be in June. They've planned a small outdoor wedding that I wont be attending because the ex is acting silly, (if I go then she wont go)...now my FH wont be going because he is hurt that his son would side with the ex. In my defense, I have been taking the respectful back seat in this situation by keeping my feelings to myself and saying I understand...even though I am a little hurt because I gave him and his fiance (three kids included) a place to live for over four months and never made them pay a dime. Over time his fiance and I became close friends. I should add that his mother wouldn't allow them to stay at her house. Still, because this ex has a bossy and whiny personality almost everyone does what she wants. Now the three of us have little contact. The son backed out of our wedding because his mother said that it was disrespectful to her for him to be involved...now there's slight bitterness between him and his daddy.

3) September 30th is the anniversary of my FH and his ex. I always wanted a September wedding but out of respect for his Ex I didn't use it.

I have already spent over $400. for the light blue attendants dresses. The favors have been purchased, as well as the floral arrangements. They are for Summer. My fiance and I didn't want to go into October because it holds too many bad memories not to mention the added expense. I am trying to please everyone and yet feel like I am missing out on what should be a wonderful time for my FH and me. We have a fabulous relationship, it's everything we've always looked for. I couldn't ask for a better man. All I wanted was a nice day for all of us to celebrate the joining of our new life together.

I guess what I am looking for is the lesser of three extremes. If I had to pick a date from the three months mentioned, which one would be the less problematic?September 1st or 8th seems to be the most logical but again, I don't want to be disrespectful. "sigh"....we have got to pick a date and do it soon, there are over 20 family and friends coming in from out of town and though they are understanding of the date change, they do need to know when to take off from work and such.

I hope I'm not sounding selfish because I have been anything but...still, I do feel a bit of resentment over the situation. I am sorry she is hurt and never got over the marriage ending but I had nothing to do with that. I am sorry that my soon to be step son is confused and can't stand his ground. I am sorry that due to someone else's spiteful attitude we have had to change the date. My fiance and I are over all of the first time wedding do's and don'ts, we are mature adults with six grown children between us, we have lived together for over eight months now and we just want to make it legal. Thanks if you have read this far...I guess I just needed to vent. :-(

handfast4me · May 2012

I think you have your answer. Listen, you've planned, and you've tried to accomdate others. Now it's YOUR time. Don't be a bridezilla (doesn't sound like you will from your post above) but just plan, and then do it. If folks don't want to or can't attend for some reason, that's on them. Just remember that the point of this whole thing is to unite you two as a couple legally, and possibly spiritually (if you're so inclined) and that's what will happen on that day. And yes, you can use light blue dresses any time of the year. In he winter you could pair it with white--in September you can pair it with other colors that will be appropriate. The dresses are the least of your worries.

But I just want to caution you--is the change due to your fi's doubts, or are these court dates real? Because in my experience, court dates change a LOT. Things get continued, etc. So if you're waiting for a divorce to be final, you need to STOP planning until that is final. If it's other things, like custody, child support, then I would NEVER let a court date interefere with my life. That's giving the ex control. And that would so not happen with me.

DaisyDollJ · May 2012

Thanks for your post, I do appreciate it...sadly, the court issues are real and to clarify, he's divorced, it all revolves around her health issues, insurance, property, allimony and anything else she can think of. Once this is over we can all breathe again. Let me say this, though his family inderstands the break up, they feel badly for her situation (it's a religous thing)...yet they avoid her because she thrives on pity. I don't want and will not share something as important and special as our wedding day with her drama. I wont put the family through it either. I have walked around and appologised for something I had no hand in and I'm tired of it.

So now I'm thinking September 8th...it would work for us.

right1thistime · May 2012

What if, it will never be over, and you will never breathe, so the alternative is to suffocate? The one thing a dramawhore can't stand is to not be the center of attention. By changing your date, she is the center of it all.

If you move it to...say...November again. What's to stop her from opening another court case? After all, it worked in June. I just think you are feeding the beast. ~Donna

xobride · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_have-to-change-wedding-date-due-to-exstressed-advice-would-be-appreciated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:bdd325b7-b928-4e48-8149-1ae449a51414Post:0e501749-ed91-49a0-89b2-31e26db40a86">Re: Have To Change Wedding Date Due To Ex...Stressed!!! Advice would be appreciated.</a>:
[QUOTE]What if, it will never be over, and you will never breathe, so the alternative is to suffocate? The one thing a dramawhore can't stand is to not be the center of attention. By changing your date, she is the center of it all. If you move it to...say...November again. What's to stop her from opening another court case? After all, it worked in June. I just think you are feeding the beast. ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

This! I am dealing with a crazy ex and I decided not to keep giving her any power. You have no idea what the future holds and I know from personal experience that court dates get moved and changed all the time. For that matter, your FH should have talked to his attorney about changing the dates in the first place. If you change your date, it won't be the last time. She will have one and she will do the same thing again to thwart the new date. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this, but it is time to be selfish and to take back control of your life.

lb1212 · May 2012

How long does the attorney think the (almost) ex can drag this out? I understand wanting your relationship to be legal, but I think planning and canceling and planning and canceling is going to drive you nuts! Every time you change a date, she wins a little. I'm sure she's planning on dragging this out hoping that you'll get fed up and leave. I'm glad to hear that your FI is sticking up for you, but I would think about urging him to attend his children's weddings - for at least the ceremony. You've already mentioned feeling hurt that they won't be attending your wedding - why add any more pain? This will go a long way in helping his kids see you for who you truly are - and who their mom really is for causing all of this drama!

mdeidre · May 2012

I agree with PPs, plan it and do it! His ex can't hold the entire month of September hostage; if you are both ok with that month, just pick a different date than the one they shared. As far as the other stuff, there's not really anything you can do about it except be supportive to your FI. The children, though they are grown, are still in a tough position, but it sounds like you understand that.

I have to deal with crazy ex stuff too, so I understand and I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I hope it works out.

DaisyDollJ · May 2012

Thank you so much for the encouragement, it really does mean alot. Just for the up date, my fiance visited with his attorney this afternoon. There isn't going to be anymore court extensions on her part. The court date stands and a plus,,,they found the evidence that they needed to put this to bed, fianlly. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I know that something else will most likely come up but this current mess will end! Maybe she will get it in her head that divorced means divorced. I know...that's wishful thinking,

As for changing my date, we have set down and chosen October 20th, I know that we didn't want to wait so far out but with our children getting married and babies being born it might be for the best. We called a meeting with the kiddos a little bit ago and I made this declaration....I WILL NOT change the date again, this is OUR day and it stands. The up side is my aunt and uncle will be able to come and an old school friend. :-)

xobride · May 2012

I'm glad things are working out for you at last! I know you mentioned not wanting to go that far into the fall because you had already purchased things in spring colors. If you're wanting to change anything or see how to incorporate what you already have into that time of year, I'd suggest visiting the DIY board because there are tons of very creative women who have amazing ideas.

boaznruth · May 2012

One thing I've learned...you can't please everyone, particularly not when it comes to events like weddings. There will always be those whose schedules you can't accomodate, no matter how hard you try. There will always be those that won't be there if someone else is. There will always be those who schedule something on top of your day.

But...in the end...it's really only about those two people standing up there, making promises to each other. If friends and family can make it there to share in their happiness, that is wonderful, but, ultimately, it is about the couple.

As others have said, don't be a bridezilla, but also don't change your plans to fit every little whim or schedule problem that others come up with. Pick your day, let them know, and if they can't come, they can't come.

DaisyDollJ · May 2012

Thank you again for all of the advice and encouragement. I wish you all the best. :-)

AbbeyS2011 · May 2012

I vote for September at the latest. That is what you really want I think. You said it is the most logical. Do whatever you can to keep this information from the dramawhore ex, and plan your day.

FWIW, after I had already planned a June wedding with my DH, I found out that he and his ex were married the day BEFORE he and I got married - and we got married in the same church.

I did not even give it another thought after that.

Here is wishing you and your FI and long and happy life together!

Lisa50 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_have-to-change-wedding-date-due-to-exstressed-advice-would-be-appreciated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:bdd325b7-b928-4e48-8149-1ae449a51414Post:37d86ca1-0010-473d-9477-11d734c639a2">Re: Have To Change Wedding Date Due To Ex...Stressed!!! Advice would be appreciated.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Have To Change Wedding Date Due To Ex...Stressed!!! Advice would be appreciated. : This! I am dealing with a crazy ex and I decided not to keep giving her any power. You have no idea what the future holds and I know from personal experience that court dates get moved and changed all the time. For that matter, your FH should have talked to his attorney about changing the dates in the first place. If you change your date, it won't be the last time. She will have one and she will do the same thing again to thwart the new date. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this, but it is time to be selfish and to take back control of your life.
Posted by xobride[/QUOTE]

The ex <u>you're</u> referring to is your FI's wife, right? Honestly, I might go a little crazy, too, if I were not yet divorced and my future-ex got engaged. If I were to put myself in your FI's wife's shoes, it would feel like salt being rubbed into a wound.

OP, you and your fiance may benefit from putting a stake in the ground, choosing a date, and letting the rest wash over you. As PPs have stated, there will always be something in your way. The trick is to squash the bug and keep moving toward your own happiness. I wish you all the best!

DaisyDollJ · May 2012

Thanks guys...and I guess I should explain a bit, he and his ex is divorced. They have been divorced for a while now. She is just very religious and has strong convictions about marriage and divorce. Anyway, it's better now and we have moved on.

I wish you all the best and again, thank you for the advice and good wishes.

Have To Change Wedding Date Due To Ex...Stressed!!! Advice would be appreciated.

Re: Have To Change Wedding Date Due To Ex...Stressed!!! Advice would be appreciated.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards