Scared army bride (kinda long :/ )

brittanyfbaby11 · August 2011

Well, my FI and I are getting married in 20 days! (ahh!! so soon!!). Okay, so don't judge me. When we get married we will only have known each other for 11 months. Crazy, i know. But i KNOW i love him and i KNOW we are supposed to be together, despite what others may say about us rushing into things and making a huge mistake. I know it may sound crazy for us to get married so soon and so fast considering I'm 19 and he's 20, and TRUST ME i've gotten a TON of negativity from my family and a few friends, but i don't care about all that. I know that we can make it work.

Now to what I am scared of. We will only be married for ONE MONTH when he leaves for basic. Luckily, he'll be back for Christmas break for a week, i think. But then he leaves again for another 10 week for his AIT. (fyi, he's going to be a MP). I'm so terrified about all the changes that are going to take place. I'm going to be married, alone for 20 weeks, and moving away from home (which I've NEVER done before!!!) and from my friends and family.

So i ask you brides. HOW THE HECK DO YOU DO IT?!? Golly, yall must be so strong!!

advice, opinions, etc? Thanks!

calindi · August 2011

I also would advise you against getting married, but you clearly are going to do it regardless. Make sure you have a great support system, maintain your own career and personal goals, pursue personal interests and hobbies, and keep an open mind and be flexible. Good luck!

Sammy0709 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-army-bride-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c52563c1-4fd9-411d-89b8-3f67438dbc13Post:aa5046ee-3616-4e91-9634-2207b789dcb6">Re: Scared army bride (kinda long :/ )</a>:
[QUOTE]I also would advise you against getting married, but you clearly are going to do it regardless. Make sure you have a great support system, maintain your own career and personal goals, pursue personal interests and hobbies, and keep an open mind and be flexible. Good luck!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I will add that there's nothing wrong with waiting. DH and I waited through basic, A school, C school (I think that's what it's called), and 2 deployments. I doubt I would have gone through those things as well as I did or finished school for that matter had we been married through all of that. I'm so glad I wasn't living with DH, 3,000 miles from family at 20 years old the first time he deployed. I needed both our families' support. Granted, you can get support from a distance but it just feels different when it is closer at hand.

57rainbows · August 2011

I will only have known my man for 9 months before we tie the knot, so the number in and of itself isn't my biggest concern obviously. (-: However, we are each 23 yrs old and have experienced life and been through college and whatnot. I only feel comfortable with it because I feel like I've been around enough to know what I need from a man and out of life and who I am.

That said, even so, I wouldn't marry him if he was going to leave immediately after the wedding, I'd wait. He will have one deployment ahead of us, but it'll be a full year after we get married. That's a year to establish ourselves as a married couple, become comfortable with everything, have a firm foundation to keep us going while he's away.

A big part of how I'll get through it is that both of our families are in full support of us and I will be able to lean on them while he's away. Unfortunately if you are making this kind of a decision against everyone's best advice, you are distancing yourself from them automatically. One thing I did learn from past relationships is that if my family isn't involved and supportive, it just won't work. Usually because they're right about the guy, but also because it's just so important to keep strong family connections. As much as I love this man, if my family was against our union I would wait until we were all on the same page. I've told him as much. (-:

So, there it is in a nutshell. We get through it by waiting until we are experienced in life enough to have an easier time with marriage, by clinging to the support of our families, and by timing it so that we will have time to enjoy marriage before our men leave. If you choose not to do any of that, then I can definitely see why you'd be nervous and I really hope that it won't be too hard for you. :-/ You are choosing a very difficult path and while I am not saying you're wrong to do that, just know that there are smoother ways to go about marrying the man of your dreams. I am here if you ever want to talk about anything and I support you as a person regardless of how much I do or don't agree with your methods (-:

brittanyfbaby11 · August 2011

First off, I want to say I thought I would write on this discussion board for support, not the other way around. Clearly telling me to wait and advise against what I am doing, is NOT supporting.

Secondly, no one knows me personally. Or what I have gone through in my life. No one knows my background and knows that I actually have been taking care of myself since I was 8 years old. I've had MUCH experience in life with things that most people don't have to deal with until their mid-twenties.

Thirdly, It's not that my family doesn't like him. They actually love him and call him son. They just aren't favoring us getting married and him going into the military. My family wants me to wait until I am forty-literally. Which I am not going to do. So even If i was 30 years old they'd still be pissed.

& lastly, I have learned my lesson from seeking advise from people online. My mistake.

KendallR10 · August 2011

Fi and I we're going to get married 3 months after knowing each other. I'm glad we didn't. So no judgement from me

firsttimersluck · August 2011

Getting married BEFORE basic, at such a young age is a scary thing... Some guys change drastically after basic (or during I suppose). I have known plenty of relationships that fizzle after basic, married and unmarried.
I don't judge the 11month knowing deal.. Fi and I knew after 2-3 months that we were going to get married. We just knew. (he claims he was in love the first day we met.. cheesy man

) But we wanted to go through a deployment first and have experienced all the ups and downs of a military relationship. Our wedding day will be our 2 year anniv (in 42 days

) and I am so thankful I went through a deployment with him. The scary thing is that you don't know. You don't know how they are going to be when they get back, how you can handle the long term distance, etc. And I feel like that's something a military couple needs to experience before saying those vows.
You have 20 days. I don't know how much planning you have done and how many deposits you have given, but this is definitely something to consider... I don't know if you will find anyone on this board that is getting married before a deployment/basic/ocs long-distance relationship.
I'm sorry that we can't give you the comfort you were probably hoping for, but we just can't.

SamiJoeB · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-army-bride-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:c52563c1-4fd9-411d-89b8-3f67438dbc13Post:6e81d389-a49c-4f7e-bd89-96a5add6035b">Re: Scared army bride (kinda long :/ )</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, I want to say I thought I would write on this discussion board for support, not the other way around. Clearly telling me to wait and advise against what I am doing, is NOT supporting. Secondly, no one knows me personally. Or what I have gone through in my life. No one knows my background and knows that I actually have been taking care of myself since I was 8 years old. I've had MUCH experience in life with things that most people don't have to deal with until their mid-twenties. Thirdly, It's not that my family doesn't like him. They actually love him and call him son. They just aren't favoring us getting married and him going into the military. My family wants me to wait until I am forty-literally. Which I am not going to do. So even If i was 30 years old they'd still be pissed. & lastly, I have learned my lesson from seeking advise from people online. My mistake.
Posted by brittanyfbaby11[/QUOTE]

Way to prove us wrong, and to show your age. You sure are mature enough to get married!!

This is exactly why I would tell you to wait. Clearly you don't understand the difference between people genuinely looking out for your best interests, and people being catty and un-supportive.

Honestly.. What bad can come from waiting?

ETA: this is a really great place for you to come for support, as we're all military SO's, but not if you just want us to validate your bad idea.

calindi · August 2011

Support comes in all forms. Sometimes it is people you care about - like your family - telling you that you might be making a mistake. And I gave you advice that you asked for - have a good support system. It will be extra hard if your families don't support the marriage and you're moved far away from anything familiar. We advise waiting because the odds are stacked very firmly against you. It isn't that we doubt your feelings are real - I'm sure they are. But facts are facts - both of you will grow and change over the next several years. You change more between 19 and 23 than you will 25 to 40. It's a risk that you'll grow together rather than apart. And the military has a whole slew of other challenges for a young couple, especially a displaced new wife without a college degree or any marketable skills to find a new job each time she moves. I wish you the absolute best and hope everything goes well. Truly and honestly. But if I had to bet, I'd say there is a 75% chance that you'll be back here in 5-7 years with another fiancé and a divorce in the books. Very sad, but for 75% of the people your age getting married to a person in the military, that's true. And for knowing each other so short, it's even more likely.

mob2689 · August 2011

Hmmm I seen people say get a hobby, go to school, build a good support system, and wait on marriage. Not sure what advice or support you were looking for if none of these were good enough.

TBH, my ex and I were HS sweethearts, dated for 1 1/2 years, yes we got married before his basic. I was 19, we JOP'd he went off to basic I moved to his AIT school and our marriage only lasted 3 years and 1 child. He was 9 months old when we split.

What do I remember the MOST? I am sure his recruiter told you the same, wait, wait, wait until he gets to his first station. The percentages are correct of marriages that fail when couples do this. We were told by the recruiter even though we could live off base during AIT he wouldn't;t recommend it, like you I knew EVERYTHING and didn't listen and I paid in more ways than one when we divorced.

I am part of those devastating percentages and these ladies here are just trying to let you know it's not the wisest thing to do at THIS time, I will tell you the same since I have experience in this area. I wouldn't want ANYONE to go through the hell I did being so far away from family. Like your family my family loved my ex husband too!

As the preacher said at DD wedding, society wants marriages to fail, in the military it will if you or family don't know what you are in for.

DD husband has been in for 12 years so he has experience she doesn't. I will be their BIGGEST support system along with his parents because we both were military wives at one time. My parents weren't and had NO clue or advise to give me. I would have loved to have had this kind of support and help back then that you have here on TK.

DD FIL was a Lt. in the AF, a Veitnam vet, and when he came back is when their marriage failed because he did come back different. TBH mine came back different after basic because one of the guys were killed by accident and not paying attention. You never think in can happen to you but it can.

We are just simply speaking from expereince of what we know and have seen happen to others.

You donl't have to take any advise we give you. You ask we will express our thoughts on what you ask. Simple!

ggirl2001 · August 2011

1. You got advice. It was have a strong support system, have hobbies, and have career goals.

So now my advice. My H and I have been together for 4 years, just got married a week ago. The girls above me are right when they say someone changes during basic. Our relationship has gone through many many ups and downs since he joined. We were together a year and half before he joined. We have now gone through bootcamp, schools, and a deployment. Through it all, I kept my career goals on my mind and focused on bettering myself as he was bettering himself. There were times when we struggled and almost didn't make it. I am going to be 28 in a few weeks and he is 26. I can tell you if we were 19 and 20, we would not have made it. The stress would have become too much for us at that time. At 19, I was in college full time, working full time, and enjoying life. I would not want to be worried about not being able to see my H for months at a time. Everyone here has been through this already and is trying to tell you what we already know and saw. I live with H now and our apartment complex is mostly military. Do you want me to tell you how many 20 year olds I have met who are divorced? Or how many I see cheating?

When my H was on deployment, he told me that out of 20-30 guys in his shop, he saw about 5 that did not get with anyone while on deployment. I also saw several wives from guys in his shop cheating on him. The ages of these couples? 19 and 20 years old. I am not sitting your FI will do this, but this is the reality that you will be facing.You will be hearing rumors left and right and seeing things you don't want to see.

So, my advice. Get yourself settled first, make sure you can support yourself. Make sure that you have your own life when you move. I moved before my H came back from deployment. I have a good steady job. I finished up my masters. I have other career goals that he supports and knows I want to accomplish. I am so incredibly thankful that we waited to get married and didn't rush it before/after bootcamp/deployment.

iluvmytxrgr · August 2011

You are getting married really young. I would give you grief for it, too. It sounds like you already have your mind made up, though. I really would have recomended y'all wait until he gets to his first duty station to get married. Y'all are starting way too many things at one time. You have a new relationship, you are entering marriage and starting a life in the military. Those are a lot of stresses piled on top of each other. It's kind of like building a card house on a woblley table. You are setting your self up for failure. Please, at least go to some pre marital couseling sessions before you get married.
Also, MP training does not get a break between Basic and AIT. It's called OSUT (One Stop Training Unit). He'll stay in the same unit with the same people and Drill Sergeants the whole time. They do usually get Exodus durring the holidays. I can't remember if it's a week or two. Keep in mind that it can be taken away if the Private or the unit is ate up. It's tough, but a lot of fun some times. Keep sending him letters every day. He'll need the encouragement. GL

LOLways · August 2011

My advice?

Don't ask for advice and then take it personally when you don't like what you hear.

Edit: Sorry, that came out kind of mean. I'm kind of tired and it's late. Premarital counseling would be a great way to learn how to start a healthy marriage and keep it that way. Good luck:)

brittanyfbaby11 · August 2011

Okay..

To those I may have offended, I am sorry. I was super frustrated when I read some of the messages posted because it was not what I was expecting. Also, at the time I was dealing with 5 yelling and screaming kids climbing all over me-not that it's an excuse for being rude.

Thank you for giving me advice; however, my wedding date is in 19 days. It would have been one thing If I had read this months ago. So realistically I cannot call off the wedding.

Thanks again.

EDIT: I also forgot to mention that we are having pre marital counseling and have been since july.

calindi · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-army-bride-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c52563c1-4fd9-411d-89b8-3f67438dbc13Post:444eb03c-aa70-4776-b323-8d871b887955">Re: Scared army bride (kinda long :/ )</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay.. To those I may have offended, I am sorry. I was super frustrated when I read some of the messages posted because it was not what I was expecting. Also, at the time I was dealing with 5 yelling and screaming kids climbing all over me-not that it's an excuse for being rude. Thank you for giving me advice; however, my wedding date is in 19 days. It would have been one thing If I had read this months ago. So realistically I cannot call off the wedding. Thanks again. EDIT: I also forgot to mention that we are having pre marital counseling and have been since july. :)
Posted by brittanyfbaby11[/QUOTE]

I don't think any of us really expected you to change your plans regardless - it's a hard thing to stop once it gets going, and with so little time, it's obviously very expensive. Just be aware that there will be many, many challenges - keep the lines of communication open, continue going to couples counseling occasionally to help you both grow together (especially before or after any big changes, like basic training, deployment, relocations, children, etc.) Also, I would very much recommend that you talk to a therapist on your own once you move. This will help you keep your priorities straight, keep you from getting overwhelmed, and give you a place to vent any frustrations and perhaps see them a little more clearly.

Good luck and best wishes! I hope you have a beautiful wedding day and a very happy marriage.

brittanyfbaby11 · August 2011

Thank you

and thanks for your advice and patience.

aor9487 · August 2011

My fiance and I are both military and have a 3 year old daughter. We met during our Tech Training and were lucky enough to have our next two bases be the same. I've been deployed, and he's since gone back to school to get his commission (different state than me). Since we're both enlisted, after his commissioning, I get to go through more training for commission.

It's part of the military lifestyle. You know what you're are signing up for, however, just be prepared. It's going to be a tad bit harder (and a little different than what you probably expect before hand) than a non military couple just because of all the time you'll be seperated. Make sure you have a strong, trusting foundation. Understand that what he is doing, is making a committment to the military as well, and he'll need your full on support. There are things that we have to do that we don't foresee (i.e. last minute TDYs, deployments, training, long hours, exercises, night shifts, remote assignements, which means that no family is allowed to be stationed with you for the year to year and a half..etc etc)

I wish you patience, understanding, love, comapassion and most of all, the best of luck!

divinemsbee · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-army-bride-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:c52563c1-4fd9-411d-89b8-3f67438dbc13Post:b5a9e262-e6fa-4f12-bd2b-89006af4a024">Re: Scared army bride (kinda long :/ )</a>:
[QUOTE]Support comes in all forms. Sometimes it is people you care about - like your family - telling you that you might be making a mistake. And I gave you advice that you asked for - have a good support system. It will be extra hard if your families don't support the marriage and you're moved far away from anything familiar. We advise waiting because the odds are stacked very firmly against you. It isn't that we doubt your feelings are real - I'm sure they are. But facts are facts - both of you will grow and change over the next several years. <strong>You change more between 19 and 23 than you will 25 to 40. </strong>It's a risk that you'll grow together rather than apart. And the military has a whole slew of other challenges for a young couple, especially a displaced new wife without a college degree or any marketable skills to find a new job each time she moves. I wish you the absolute best and hope everything goes well. Truly and honestly. But if I had to bet, I'd say there is a 75% chance that you'll be back here in 5-7 years with another fiancé and a divorce in the books. Very sad, but for 75% of the people your age getting married to a person in the military, that's true. And for knowing each other so short, it's even more likely.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

<div>Amen and preach it! When I think about how much I changed between 18 and 21 and how much more solidified and consistent I have become with my life and decisions between 24 and almost 28, I think this is such a valid statement.</div>

SarahP787 · August 2011

Of course, diito to all the above advice, and I can see that you're going ahead with the wedding, so here is my additon.

My advice is to consider staying at home with your parents while he is away training. As you said yourself, it's a lot of change taking place at once! Being apart from your support system and trying to support yourself in a new place is hard enough even if your Fi was there with you, but alone it would be extra hard! And having outside support is key for dealing with any kind of craziness in your life, including military-induced craziness. So I'd consider waiting to move in with him until he's at his permanent duty station and you can both start settling down a little.

And, as PP's have said, be prepared for things to be different with him after his training.

brittanyfbaby11 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-army-bride-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c52563c1-4fd9-411d-89b8-3f67438dbc13Post:94586203-2c1c-4082-8e0d-97d22ffc86aa">Re: Scared army bride (kinda long :/ )</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course, diito to all the above advice, and I can see that you're going ahead with the wedding, so here is my additon. My advice is to consider staying at home with your parents while he is away training. As you said yourself, it's a lot of change taking place at once! Being apart from your support system and trying to support yourself in a new place is hard enough even if your Fi was there with you, but alone it would be extra hard! And having outside support is key for dealing with any kind of craziness in your life, including military-induced craziness. So I'd consider waiting to move in with him until he's at his permanent duty station and you can both start settling down a little. And, as PP's have said, be prepared for things to be different with him after his training.
Posted by SarahP787[/QUOTE]

Thank you!! This helped a lot! I had actually planned on staying with my parents while he was away anyway. And I talked to my FI's mom yesterday too. She married her husband (my FI's dad) when she was <strong>sixteen </strong>and then he left 2 months later for the marine bootcamp. She did say that he changed during basic, but it actually made them grow closer because of his time away. She told me it was difficult, but she would never go back and change anything.

ggirl2001 · August 2011

I would also recommend staying at home until he is done, and possibly not even moving until you have a job/enrolled in school, whichever you choose to do. There was a good chance that I was not moving after we got married if I did not have a job lined up since we did not want to start our marriage off worrying about paying bills if I was not working. (I have student loans that I pay, hence needing the job).

Make sure to have a life set up for youself when you do move. Continue counseling, find friends (separate from just the guys he knows, etc). That was my biggest thing. I wanted to make sure to had my own group of friends, so the nights I wanted to spend with girlfriends, I had some. Basically, don't be that wife that does everything their husband does. No lie, I see a girl here in our pool, that everytime her H goes and gets in the water to read at the side, she goes and stands next to him while he's reading and watches him. Don't do that haha.

Scared army bride (kinda long :/ )

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