Second-time around knottie needs help!

bannedkarin · April 2012

Here's the deal: I was a knottie seven years ago when I planned my 3/4/05 wedding to my ex-husband. The Philly board was my second home. I'm still friends with people who I met at GTGs. Knotties helped me put together programs, came to my wedding, and the cake stand I used was passed around to several philly brides (it may still be in circulation, which would be awesome). I got engaged a few months ago and we're tying the knot this May (5/27). It's going to be a simple, low-key wedding at our house, and I promised everyone I'd be nicer than I was the frist time around. I had a little bridezilla in me back in the day.

Anyway...I digress. I came here because I need help and when I needed wedding help seven years ago this is where I went. So, two things:

My original officiant (friend of the family) fell through and I kinda feel stuck. I've looked on-line but I really can't fathom spending between $400-$500 for what will be a five minute service. Does anyone have the name of who they used and really liked who wasn't crazy expensive? Actually, I don't really care if you liked them or not. I'll settle for inexpensive and mediocre.

The second thing is a little more prickly. My best friend and I have known each other for over a decade. I love her...but I don't like her long distance boyfriend. Last month we talked about whether Joe would be in town for the wedding. She said he would be if he was invited. I said of course he was invited because I may dislike the guy but he's my BFF's man. The problem is that when I was doing the invites Chris looked at the list and said, "there is no way that Joe is coming to the wedding. I hate him and do not want him here on our wedding day." So the invites went out without Joe's name on the envelope and without giving my BFF an "and guest" option. She e-mailed me last week and asked about it and I'm not quite sure what to say. Do I fess up that my future hubby hates her man? Yes, it's the truth, but I already told her he would be invited. I can't even give her the "no ring/no bring" excuse because she knows my cousin and her baby daddy are attending. We're only inviting 40 people so it's not like I can say "no ring/no bring...unless you have a kid together."

Ladies, what do I do?

broodc2 · April 2012

I think you should post this to the etiquette board but I think I know what their answer will be. Unfortunately, no matter how much you or your guy hates this other guy, I think you have to invite him. I don't think you can or should use your wedding to showcase your or your FI judgement on your best friend's choice in romantic affiliations. If this is your best friend and you love her to death then I think you invite her and her guy and take the good with the bad. Just try to put him in your shoes. Ask your FI if he'd be OK with telling his best man/brother/etc. that he wanted him there but didn't want the wife/fiance/GF to come. I know it would help me understand the situation more.

BlissPhilly · April 2012

Does your FI know that you already told her that her BF could come?

bannedkarin · April 2012

@ broodc2: the last time around the etiquette board was like the mean girl table in the cafeteria. Granted, I was a mean girl on the Philly boards back in the day, hence my screenname, but even I woudn't swin in those shark infested waters. If it's gotten better than maybe I should venture over and ask.

FI knows that best friend and I talked about the guest list and whether Joe would fly in or not. Chris said, "tell her I hate the guy. Make me the bad guy."

In her e-mail by best friend said, "I guess you decided not to invite Joe. I'll respect your decision but we did talk about him coming." What this comes down to is that I assumed Joe wouldn't fly in from Nevada for the wedding b/c they don't see each other much. I assuemed he wouldn't come because she knows he's not my favorite person. I know that I could tell her that Chris doesn't want hiim there, but it feels disingenuous because it's not the whole truth: I don't want him there either. Really, I'm just pissed at myself for causing drama when I wanted this wedding process to be simple and easy.

TL;DR: I'm a chicken.

angelstar975 · April 2012

Brood is right, you have to invite him. I frequent the Etiquette board and if you post this over there, they will tell you pretty much exactly what brood said. They may or may not word it as nicely. Social units must be invited together. Imagine being invited to a wedding without your FI because the couple didn't like him. You might go, especially if you were in the wedding, but you'd probably be pretty upset.. especially when yours was the only SO not invited. The fact that your best friend bothered to email you about not inviting her boyfriend tells you that she IS upset by it. You have to invite him. You're going to be so busy talking to everyone that you'll probably barely have to interact wth him.

MK&T · April 2012

Did you explain to your fiance that you already (informally) invited him? Maybe he knows if it is causing you stress he'll reconsider and say it's alright if he came. In a perfect world your BFF wouldn't care if he came or not, and wouldn't have questioned you when she got an invite with just her name on it. But it's not perfect, and it may ruin your friendship....friendships have been ruined over way less. At the end of the day what does it really matter to you or your fiance if he's there. I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to pick your battles. You may lose your friend if you don't invite her b/f, but it's not likely that you will lose your fiance if he comes.

Good luck—planning is stressful enough without this added mess!

broodc2 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-philadelphia_second-time-around-knottie-needs-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:105Discussion:e7171dbe-2f0a-40bb-a06b-b19e051f32a0Post:ec34e7bb-9045-40a0-adf7-09ce732feff9">Re: Second-time around knottie needs help!</a>:
[QUOTE] What this comes down to is that I assumed Joe wouldn't fly in from Nevada for the wedding b/c they don't see each other much. I assuemed he wouldn't come because she knows he's not my favorite person. I know that I could tell her that Chris doesn't want hiim there, but it feels disingenuous because it's not the whole truth: I don't want him there either. Really, I'm just pissed at myself for causing drama when I wanted this wedding process to be simple and easy. TL;DR: I'm a chicken.
Posted by bannedkarin[/QUOTE]

I've quickly learned from my FI that it's dangerous to assume anything when it comes to wedding planning. You're mixing love (of and for FI, family, friends, colleagues, etc.), business, and social norms all in one dangerous cocktail with a wedding. People seem to get all screwy when it comes to this stuff. Honestly I would be offended if my FI wasn't invited because it was just assumed that she wasn't able to fly in for a wedding. Especially if other peoples' SO are invited who have similar circumstances (i.e flying in, etc.). I would then assume that the bride/groom thinks 1) We couldn't afford to fly in (which would be highly offensive) 2) Doesn't value our friendship enough to understand that I would want my SO with me or 3) Flat out does not approve of my choice of a SO and is using the wedding as a soap box to let me know about it. All these assumptions have one thing in common. They're all bad.

Next, please don't make the situation worse by involving your FI. I love my FI to death and would be the whipping boy to make her more comfortable, but I think in the end it's wrong. You are correct. It would be disingenuous and, can you imagine if your best friend found out the truth later on about the real reason? Ugh.

I think you should just call her up and diffuse the drama right away. Don't write an email or anything. Conversation is much more genuine. Also, don't try to make excuses for why you didn't initally invite him. I think that just opens you up to more scrutiny. I personally would just say something like:

"I'm sorry for our misunderstanding earlier about your SO. Regardless of what I think, I can see that (insert guy's name) makes you just as happy as FI makes me. You're my best friend and I can't even imagine you not being with me on my wedding day or being there but unhappy. Please extend the invitation to (insert name or say you're re-sending the invite with his name included). I'm really excited and I can't wait to celebrate with you!"

Then move on

bannedkarin · April 2012

Brood, you are the poo.

Second-time around knottie needs help!

Re: Second-time around knottie needs help!

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