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Proper Etiquette....

mandi921vhmandi921vh member
Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
in Pre-wedding Parties
Ok so after having lunch with his father today FI just informed me that his paternal grandparents want to throw us a "Jack and Jill" and have a dinner/BBQ thing in their backyard a few months before our wedding for all of their friends and VERY distant family members and these guests would give us money (as said by my FFIL).

While we haven't finalized our guest list none of these distant family members or FI grandparents' friends will be invited to our wedding. 

Isn't it bad etiquette to invite people to pre-wedding parties that are not invited to the actual wedding? Upon telling FI this he said that his distant family and grandparents' friends wouldn't care and probably do not even know what wedding etiquette is.

Another thing is that FI's dad said that my whole family would be invited to this party and he and FI assumed they would all come. The thing is my parents live about 6 hours from FI's family and probably only my parents would come. FI was confused that the rest of my family wouldn't be coming to the party and I explained that it is kind of far for them to come for a BBQ with people they will see/meet a few months later. His parent's have met my extend family members and my parent's have met his, so only our extended family members will meet for the first time at the wedding.

He got upset saying that his family would be traveling 6 hrs to our wedding (which is happening where my parent's currently live, where I grew up, where FI and are moving to in about a year) and was upset that my family wouldn't make the trip to his hometown for this pre-wedding party.

I was very confused by this because I am thinking that people are more likely to travel a long distance for a wedding than a pre-wedding party regardless of where the wedding is...?

I don't know, what does everyone think about this?
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Re: Proper Etiquette....

  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I think that by inviting people to this pre-wedding party that aren't invited to the wedding, you have an etiquette problem.  That has to be cleaned up first.  Also, parties that raise money for the couple are considered tacky, but I also know are customary in some areas.  That will have to be your call.

    Aside from that, remind your fiance that an invitation is not a summons and not a tit-for-tat situation.  His family is going to travel for the wedding, but your family is under no obligation to travel for a Jack and Jill party.  Everyone has the right to look at an invitation and decide whether they want to go or not, which holds true for all pre-wedding stuff AND the actual wedding itself.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You shouln't invite anyone to a shower that will not be invited to the wedding. It conveys that the the guest are not close enough to be invited to the main event, but that you would still like them to give you gifts.

    Do not request money gifts, ever. Most people consider these fund raiser type showers to be rude. Apparently, these showers are acceptable in some circles, but still, don't designate on an invitation that money gifts are expected or sell tickets to the party. If your guests want to give you $$$ as gifts, they will do so without prompting.

    Your parents and siblings should be invited to any showers held in your honor. They are not obligated to attend, though.



                       
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  • myremedy1976myremedy1976 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If it is a Jack and Jill that the grandparents are throwing then I don't really see a big deal in inviting people that are not coming to the wedding. Lots of people go to jack and jills that are not invited to the wedding. I my area usually the WP and families of the bride and groom sell tickets to the jack and jill to help raise money for the couple.
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  • jms1019jms1019 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry if this is a dumb question, but what's a jack and jill party?
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