Engagement party? Yes or no?

vllybll35tina · June 2010

I just recently got engaged. We don't plan to marry for atleast 2 years. Is a large engagement party appropriate? Because it's so far away I thought it might be okay to have a large party.

Thanks!

bethsmiles · June 2010

you do NOT plan your own engagement party! That being said only wedding guests should be invited to pre-wedding parties including the engagement party. Your wedding isn't for 2 years and that would make it very hard to know for sure who would be invited.

So if someone else decides to throw you an engagement party then it should be kept very small, only people you KNOW you will be close to in 2 years. So probably just family and very close friends.

But once again you don't plan your own engagement party so unless someone else offers to throw one for you and your FI you don't need to worry about it.

FutureMrsMcDaniel · June 2010

Ditto to bethsmiles. You never ever throw your own. If someone offers, wonderful! Nobody offered to throw one for my FI and me, and we're not bummed out.

redheadfsu · June 2010

ditto.

frenchy730 · June 2010

A large engagement party is appropriate... as long as you don't throw it yourself

Like others have said, wait for someone to offer to throw it for you, only invite those who will definitely be invited to the wedding.

banana468 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-party-yes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:fc4d33db-f854-4dbe-aa8a-7facea1aaa3ePost:291be47f-e275-4333-8a4d-eb1a37d3238c">Re: Engagement party? Yes or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]it's YOUR day, you do whatever you want - if you want to throw your own engagement party - do it! Personally, we want a small wedding, it's less chaos and frankly cheaper (not many of us have $30k laying around for a wedding.. and it'll take years to save up for that). We're going to have a huge engagement party to celebrate with everyone who wants to celebrate with us, and a small wedding with just our closest family and friends. If they are truely happy for you, they will understand your need for a small wedding. :) Good luck!
Posted by EricThu[/QUOTE]

This is AWFUL advice.

True friends will understandbeing treated like cr@p? Is that what I'm supposed to understand from this post? So because you don't feel like treating others well, your friends should understand that? I hate to break it to you but live doesn't work that way.

It's not appropriate to throw any party in honor of yourself ever.

And to throw an e-party and purposely invite people you have no intention of inviting to the wedding is EXTREMELY rude.

I'm lucky that my good frinends don't put me in the position of having to understand why they treated me poorly because they don't. That's part of what makes them so close to me in the first place.

andy71781 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-party-yes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:fc4d33db-f854-4dbe-aa8a-7facea1aaa3ePost:291be47f-e275-4333-8a4d-eb1a37d3238c">Re: Engagement party? Yes or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]it's YOUR day, you do whatever you want - if you want to throw your own engagement party - do it! Personally, we want a small wedding, it's less chaos and frankly cheaper (not many of us have $30k laying around for a wedding.. and it'll take years to save up for that). We're going to have a huge engagement party to celebrate with everyone who wants to celebrate with us, and a small wedding with just our closest family and friends. If they are truely happy for you, they will understand your need for a small wedding. :) Good luck!
Posted by EricThu[/QUOTE]
No! They may be "happy for you" because they "love you" but people who show up to your self-planned engagement party with a gift will feel jilted when they don't get a wedding invite.

Please don't start your wedding planning with the phrase "its YOUR day, you do whatever you want" You are getting married and that is great and you should be so happy. Your family and friends will be happy for you too - but this is not an excuse to treat them like crap.

banana468 · June 2010

Speaking of using the line, "It's YOUR day," those who think that's appropriate should read this:

Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders

1. When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married.

2. People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around.

3. A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it.

4. Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril.

5. Your guests are not your personal shoppers.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/06/06/LVOD1DGTV3.DTL

I made it a sticky on the WP board. :-)

mstar284 · June 2010

Didn't even think of an engagement party at the time. Wasn't planning of having anyone throw one--wasn't expecting one. But my friend called me one day to congratulate me once again and asked if she could throw me one.

We haven't had it yet, but only close family and friends will be attending. My parents, FI parents, sisters, brothers, a close aunt and uncle of mine, and a close circle of friends.

Everyone will already know each other except my parents have not yet met my FI father (so that is scary), and it would be nice to have everyone together to celebrate.

melder2005 · June 2010

I think with today's economy it OK to throw the engagement party yourself. it's going to cost around $600-800 for our.I was laid off a year ago and just now going back to work and no has any extra money to throw us one. Plus we have parties all the time so it nothing for us to plan and have our on. Everyone talks about tradition.Be a leader and start some new traditions.If yo9u wanna plan your own go ahead. And have fun when you do it. If folks can't understand that they can't be apart of your wedding day oh well. I f folks wanna say something about you doing that then tell them to give you the money for the party.

banana468 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-party-yes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:fc4d33db-f854-4dbe-aa8a-7facea1aaa3ePost:9f8c0099-68b8-4136-a5bf-1e110569d601">Re: Engagement party? Yes or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think with today's economy it OK to throw the engagement party yourself. it's going to cost around $600-800 for our.I was laid off a year ago and just now going back to work and no has any extra money to throw us one. Plus we have parties all the time so it nothing for us to plan and have our on. Everyone talks about tradition.Be a leader and start some new traditions.If yo9u wanna plan your own go ahead. And have fun when you do it. If folks can't understand that they can't be apart of your wedding day oh well. I f folks wanna say something about you doing that then tell them to give you the money for the party.
Posted by melder2005[/QUOTE]

Melder, you're confusing tradition with etiquette.

Traditionally, the groom's parents or the bride's parents hosted the e-party. If someone else wants to throw the couple an engagement party that's fine.

However it's simply NOT proper etiquette to throw a party in honor of yourself EVER. This means that it's also not appropriate to throw your own birthday party. It's just rude to others to do so.

it's even worse to throw a party and to invite people to the engagement party when you have no intention of inviting them to the wedding. And to use the bogus excuse the economy? Then don't throw the party in the first place!

Or, throw a party. Have a great one. But don't call it an engagement party. Call it a picnic, a cocktail party or whatever - but don't throw your own engagment party and don't be so self-centered as to think that your "true friends" will understand why you were really rude to them.

sabatron · June 2010

My fiance and I didn't have an engagement party, and I don't regret it. Probably won't have a rehearsal dinner either. All these parties attached to the wedding are a new custom, anyway, and they don't really serve much of a purpose. Isn't a wedding enough anymore? You also shouldn't host your own... it's generally a gift from the parents, if you do have one.

MISSCOURTNEY20 · June 2010

Well, my FI and I invited people out to a sport's bar to celebrate our engagement with us. I really don't see the difference between planning your birthday party, and that being okay, and planning an engagement party, and that being a big no no. We did not expect gifts, cards or anything like that. Only our really close friends came, and they are all invited to the wedding. We had a wonderful time and would do it all over again the exact same way.

banana468 · June 2010

[QUOTE]I really don't see the difference between planning your birthday party, and that being okay, and planning an engagement party, and that being a big no no[/QUOTE]

You're right. it's just as wrong to plan your own birthday party as it is to plan your own engagment party. Both are not appropriate.

MISSCOURTNEY20 · June 2010

And can you please tell me why. I honestly don't get it.

Whippet8 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-party-yes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:fc4d33db-f854-4dbe-aa8a-7facea1aaa3ePost:291be47f-e275-4333-8a4d-eb1a37d3238c">Re: Engagement party? Yes or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]it's YOUR day, you do whatever you want - if you want to throw your own engagement party - do it! Personally, we want a small wedding, it's less chaos and frankly cheaper (not many of us have $30k laying around for a wedding.. and it'll take years to save up for that). We're going to have a huge engagement party to celebrate with everyone who wants to celebrate with us, and a small wedding with just our closest family and friends. If they are truely happy for you, they will understand your need for a small wedding. :) Good luck!
Posted by EricThu[/QUOTE]

This logic doesn't make sense. You're saying DAY...which is one day. The engagement party would not be on this DAY.

You don't get a free pass to be rude for the entire engagement just because you're getting married.

and ditto banana on everything else.

shoegal715 · June 2010

I hate gift grabby engagement parties, where there is registry information included with the invite.. Seriously, how many gifts do I have to buy? Shower gift, bachorlette party gift, wedding gift, and now ENGAGEMENT gift!?

However, I do like the engagement parties where it's very low key, where I can just bring a card and say congratulations to the couple. I was invited to an engagement party awhile ago where the bride insisted on no gifts. I thought it was great!

Also, I will echo what other's have said: SO RUDE to a) throw your own party and / or b) only invite some people to the wedding who were invited to the engagement party.

banana468 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-party-yes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:fc4d33db-f854-4dbe-aa8a-7facea1aaa3ePost:1e91654d-69c9-485b-a5e1-939b5e867ca5">Re: Engagement party? Yes or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]And can you please tell me why. I honestly don't get it.
Posted by MISSCOURTNEY20[/QUOTE]

It's never appropriate to throw a party in honor of yourself. It's not about the presents (although often there are). It's that it is very rude to say, "Come celebrate me (us) and put me at the center of your attention!"

Basically, it's that being an AW is quite rude to others. YOU don't celebrate yourself. Someone else says, "Let's celebrate MISSCOURTNEY20!"

MISSCOURTNEY20 · June 2010

I see......

SarahSmile23 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-party-yes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:fc4d33db-f854-4dbe-aa8a-7facea1aaa3ePost:81f780ed-5f93-4073-a346-695407b732fb">Re: Engagement party? Yes or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Speaking of using the line, "It's YOUR day," those who think that's appropriate should read this: Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders 1. When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married. 2. People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around. 3. A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it. 4. Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril. 5. Your guests are not your personal shoppers. <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/06/06/LVOD1DGTV3.DTL" rel="nofollow">http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/06/06/LVOD1DGTV3.DTL</a> I made it a sticky on the WP board. :-)
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

banana, i love that. do you mind if i copy and paste it and make it a sticky here for a while? :)

banana468 · June 2010

Go for it! It was stolen from E and I loved it.

It's not mine - Miss Manners gets the credit!

SarahSmile23 · June 2010

btw, i heard a rumor that you are a "carrupt" mod.

MsRachelT · June 2010

Both tradition and etiquette evolve and change. Etiquette usually follows tradition and the prevailing societal norms at any given time. Many of the customs for weddings and engagements stem from a time when girls were getting married in their early teens.

The bottom line is that etiquette is about having good manners and how you handle yourself and those around you.

"Customs such as these slowly evolved into engagement-announcement parties, which were less binding but no less socially significant. By the early 1900s, newspapers were superseding parties as the preferred method of announcing a new engagement, prompting guidelines such as those Emily Post describes in the 1922 edition of her classic book on etiquette: "The prevailing custom in New York and other big cities is for the party to be given on the afternoon or evening of the day of announcement. The engagement in this case is never proclaimed to the guests as an assembled audience. The news is out, and everyone is supposed to have heard it."Being selfish and the center of attention is about attitude (not etiquette) and you can be those very things whether you throw yourselves an engagement party or someone else does.

Do what's right for you but do keep in mind Miss Manners Top 5 Gentle Wedding Reminders (shared by Banana468) because they are common sense and good manners. They do not exclude you from celebrating your engagement in any way you see fit. And I personally believe that throwing yourself an engagement party with grace, thoughtfulness, and courtesy of others is perfectly fine today.

As for those that state that one never throws a party in honor of yourself, I will quote from Emily Post's Etiquette archives where she was posed the following question:

For the week of July 4, 2005

Q. My boyfriend and I just bought our first house together and some of our friends/relatives are telling us we should have a housewarming party. I always thought that someone else was supposed to plan and throw the party for you at the new house and that you're not supposed to throw it for yourself. Is it proper? Who is right?

A. A housewarming party is hosted by the new homeowners (or renters) to welcome friends and family to their new home, to give tours and receive compliments, and to serve food and have friends help "warm" their residence with their caring and affection.

Lazyzoey · June 2010

We just took dinner wih families for engagement.... but I disagree with throw the engagement party by freinds, it's dosen't matter if you throw the party...Congrats!!!

kdalessandro · June 2010

I agree with PP that it's in bad form/bad etiquette to throw a very official/formal engagement party with actual invitations, gift expectations, etc. HOWEVER, when I got engaged my girlfriends from college were very excited and really wanted to all get together to celebrate. So basically I wrote them an email and invited them to a "pseudo engagement party" but explained that it was really just an excuse for all of us girls to get together, have fun, and celebrate not only my engagement, but the many other wonderful things that were going on in their lives (graduations, moving, new jobs, etc.). I specifically said no gifts were allowed and that the whole point of the night was just to hang out at our friend's apartment (most central location, she suggested it) and to then go out to a bar or dancing later on in the night. We all had so much fun and I would do it over that way again! Added bonus when its just girlfriends and you keep it small - it was a lot of fun, but very very low maintenance with barely any planning other than girls emailing here and there and volunteering to bring certain drinks and/or appetizers.

SarahSmile23 · June 2010

a housewarming party IS thrown by the homeowners to invite people into their new home to show off their new diggs. an engagement party is thrown FOR the couple, just like a birthday party is thrown FOR an individual.

Engagement party? Yes or no?

Re: Engagement party? Yes or no?

Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders

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