Need Advice... Showers & family situations...oh joy!

irishxmyst · December 2009

Good morning ladies! I need some advice and I'm sorry this is sort of long.

My MOH and I need some advice on a sticky family situation of mine. Recently my MOH and I were having a phone conversation. She was trying to get some ideas on bridal showers. (Although she and my bms will be planning, they wanted input on stuff I would like). Since I come from a divorced family and my mom hates my dad's g/f, my MOH & bms generously offered to throw me two bridal showers (1for my mom's family and 1 for my dad's family) so I wouldn't have to have the choice of having mom and dad's g/f together at the shower (family drama & awkwardness ensues) or cut dad's g/f out of the shower (big offense to dad and g/f who I do like).

So the twist comes in here. FI also comes from a divorced family and my FFIL remarried, and FMIL (who I have a close relationship with) and FSMIL (that I have an ok relationship with) also have an awkward/tense relationship. Even FI and FSMIL haven't always gotten along well (FSMIL doesn't like to be reminded her husband had a past (including a past marriage & kids) before her, even though she had a past marriage and kids before him herself), and they aren't close, at best, they tolerate each other. Actually, lately FI and I have left FSMIL out of all wedding planning aspects and have only communicated to FFIL and FMIL about it (bc FSMIL can be catty and competitive; she's made passive aggressive comments about our planning & budget, even though she's not paying a dime and FFIL is fine with our budget, and since one of her sons is getting married 3 weeks after myself & FI, anytime she's heard of our wedding ideas, she tries to "one up" us, so we've learned to keep our mouths shut and keep her in the dark). Anyway, despite all this, I imagine its proper to invite her to a bridal shower bc she is family and I wouldn't want to disrespect FFIL (& despite my description of FSMIL she can be a nice person, and except for her passive agressive comments about the wedding, she's always been nice to me).

So anyway in talking to my MOH about this, my MOH suggested that since they were planning on throwing 2 showers anyway they can just have my FMIL go to my mom's family's shower and my FSMIL go to my dad's family's shower and problem solved. This generally sounds good, except for one thing that I'm not sure on. That is shouldn't my FMIL be invited to both showers, so my dad's family can meet her too? (After all it is her son I'm marrying). Would it be weird to just have my FSMIL there? And if my FMIL should be invited to both, then it would mean she and and FSMIL would have to be at one together. I simply cannot ask my MOH and bms to throw a 3rd shower (and there would be no point, anyway because the only guest would be FSMIL since FFIL doesn't have much family to invite). So I'm not sure what is the best decision to make.

How would you ladies handle this situation? Any options myself and my MOH aren't seeing? I'm trying to find a way to make everyone happy and so that no one feels awkward or upset. (As it is they will all have to be together for the rehersal dinner and 3 day wedding, so I'm trying to avoid any unneeded extra awkwardness). I also feel horrible that my MOH has to navigate this family drama, even though she said she's fine dealing with it.

(Also I know it may seem a little early for my MOH to be thinking bridal shower, it being a little over 7 months before the wedding now, but my MOH (who's taken the lead as main party planner) lives in Boston and I & the rest of my bms live in CT and we all have busy lives. It can take a month or two to just be able to schedule a meeting, so even just preliminary planning early will be a big help for us).

Thanks in advance for all the advice. This board has always been good to me.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

I think that having 2 showers is enough of an accomodation. In fact, I think its too much of an accomodation, but if that's waht you want to do, do it.

I think the path of least resistance would be to let your FMIL know when the showers are and ask her which one she would like to attend. Then invite FSMIL to the other. I think you may be overthinking it, thinking your FMIL will want to be included in both showers. Your own mother is not being included in both, so why would FMIL. SHe can always meet the other side of the family at the RD, or at another family function.

megk8oz · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-showers-family-situationsoh-joy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffb3d5a2-0855-4bb5-8fb6-9449c75722ddPost:3b487fe5-fed3-44f5-8d3a-5b1dce36bc9f">Need Advice... Showers & family situations...oh joy!</a>:
[QUOTE]Good morning ladies! I need some advice and I'm sorry this is sort of long. My MOH and I need some advice on a sticky family situation of mine. Recently my MOH and I were having a phone conversation. She was trying to get some ideas on bridal showers. (Although she and my bms will be planning, they wanted input on stuff I would like). Since I come from a divorced family and my mom hates my dad's g/f, my MOH & bms generously offered to throw me two bridal showers (1for my mom's family and 1 for my dad's family) so I wouldn't have to have the choice of having mom and dad's g/f together at the shower (family drama & awkwardness ensues) or cut dad's g/f out of the shower (big offense to dad and g/f who I do like). So the twist comes in here. FI also comes from a divorced family and my FFIL remarried, and FMIL (who I have a close relationship with) and FSMIL (that I have an ok relationship with) also have an awkward/tense relationship. Even FI and FSMIL haven't always gotten along well (FSMIL doesn't like to be reminded her husband had a past (including a past marriage & kids) before her, even though she had a past marriage and kids before him herself), and they aren't close, at best, they tolerate each other. Actually, lately FI and I have left FSMIL out of all wedding planning aspects and have only communicated to FFIL and FMIL about it (bc FSMIL can be catty and competitive; she's made passive aggressive comments about our planning & budget, even though she's not paying a dime and FFIL is fine with our budget, and since one of her sons is getting married 3 weeks after myself & FI, anytime she's heard of our wedding ideas, she tries to "one up" us, so we've learned to keep our mouths shut and keep her in the dark). Anyway, despite all this, I imagine its proper to invite her to a bridal shower bc she is family and I wouldn't want to disrespect FFIL (& despite my description of FSMIL she can be a nice person, and except for her passive agressive comments about the wedding, she's always been nice to me). So anyway in talking to my MOH about this, my MOH suggested that since they were planning on throwing 2 showers anyway they can just have my FMIL go to my mom's family's shower and my FSMIL go to my dad's family's shower and problem solved. This generally sounds good, except for one thing that I'm not sure on. That is shouldn't my FMIL be invited to both showers, so my dad's family can meet her too? (After all it is her son I'm marrying). Would it be weird to just have my FSMIL there? And if my FMIL should be invited to both, then it would mean she and and FSMIL would have to be at one together. I simply cannot ask my MOH and bms to throw a 3rd shower (and there would be no point, anyway because the only guest would be FSMIL since FFIL doesn't have much family to invite). So I'm not sure what is the best decision to make. How would you ladies handle this situation? Any options myself and my MOH aren't seeing? I'm trying to find a way to make everyone happy and so that no one feels awkward or upset. (As it is they will all have to be together for the rehersal dinner and 3 day wedding, so I'm trying to avoid any unneeded extra awkwardness). I also feel horrible that my MOH has to navigate this family drama, even though she said she's fine dealing with it. (Also I know it may seem a little early for my MOH to be thinking bridal shower, it being a little over 7 months before the wedding now, but my MOH (who's taken the lead as main party planner) lives in Boston and I & the rest of my bms live in CT and we all have busy lives. It can take a month or two to just be able to schedule a meeting, so even just preliminary planning early will be a big help for us). Thanks in advance for all the advice. This board has always been good to me.
Posted by irishxmyst[/QUOTE]

SarahPLiz · December 2009

Oh, and if they can't suck it up and be civil to each other for a couple hours for the sake of their children and step-children, you are going to have all kinds of fun at the RD. Perhaps you should put your foot down now and make them act live civil adults for your shower so they know you will not be pandering to their pettiness and stressing out over the rest of your planning trying ot keep them apart.

FWIW, my parents are divorced, as are FI's. My mom and step dad don't like my dad at all, and couldn't care less for his girlfirend, but none of them would DREAM to cause a scene at a family gathering because they have too much respect for themselves and the people around them. I tend to hold all adults to this standard of tact, and I think it is very acheivable.

mm45737 · December 2009

i also think you should just have one shower and make it be a practice run for them before the RD and the wedding where they will all be in the same room. They are all adults and should be able to act as such.

If that's absolutely not an option, i agree w/ asking FMIL which shower she would prefer to go to, and send FSMIL to the other.

megk8oz · December 2009

Both my and FI's parents are divorced and we both have step-mothers and families that don't necessarily get along so well.

I was given 1 shower, and everybody was invited to it. These people are adults and they can make the decision to be mature enough to get along for one day. I mean, it's not like you're going to have multiple wedding receptions just to keep people away from each other.

The people who realized that the shower was not about their grudge matches showed up and were all extremely nice to each other. The people that couldn't "get over it" for a few hours, did not attend. I personally, did not miss anybody that really couldn't put their differences aside for 1 afternoon.

If your BMs want to and can afford to throw multiple showers, that's a nice and generous thing to do. But don't over-think the invites, just make it be known how accomaditing your girls are trying to be, and tell anybody that's being difficult about "who might show up" needs to be just as flexible.

banana468 · December 2009

I honestly think that the best solution is 1 shower with seating that puts the moms who don't like each other in different places.

The issue is then who gets invited to each shower? And then is one shower the "real" shower?

I think it's catering to adults who need to know better to do this. And where will it end? Two Christmas dinners hosted at your home? Two birthday parties for the kids?

I'd create one shower guest list with good seating arrangements. It'll be practice for the RD and the wedding.

gottahavashorti · December 2009

They should be able to attend the same shower. They're not obligated to talk to each other.

But if you end up having two showers, give FMIL the choice of which shower to attend and invite FSMIL to the other. If I read that correctly and it said your wedding was 3 days long, she's got plenty of time to meet the rest of your family then if she desires to do so.

banana468 · December 2009

The other issue is that technically according to etiquette, mother of the bride and groom get invited to all showers as a courtesy.

irishxmyst · December 2009

Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely relay all of this to my MOH and let her and my bms have the final decision.

In many ways I agree with you all that we shouldn't be pandering to their pettiness, but also in other ways I don't know if its possible not to. To give an example:

A little after I had that convo with MOH my mom had called me and wanted to talk about the bridal shower. I told her off the bat that for specific details she'd have to talk to MOH bc she's planning it and I'm gonna be in the dark about most of it. Anyway, my mom goes on to also suggest two showers, but her idea was one for my family and one for FI's family. I let her know that would probably be pointless since most of FI's aunts far away and wouldn't be able to attend, but I did say that the 2 shower thing was a good idea for her family and my dad's family. She blew a coniption (apparently the 2 shower idea was no longer good for her). Her idea was that there should one shower and dad's g/f just shouldn't be invited. Why? Well apparently bc she hasn't seen my dad's sister and cousins in years and wanted a chance to reconnect. Well 1. she'll be seeing them at the wedding so that's her chance there, and 2. I'd almost take this as valid reasoning, except for the fact that everytime I've went to a family gathering on my dad's side, afterwards she'd ask me how it was and when I would start to explain how everyone was doing, she'd interrupt me and say, "Nevermind, I don't want to know. They're not my family anymore." So apparently now she's upset she won't be avle to seem them? Now that they may be at a different shower?

She also tried to pull the "if your dad's g/f will be at the shower I won't come". As usual, I told her that I was calling her bluff and to can her BS. But I do have to walk a fine line since my mom is paying for part of the wedding and she has in the past threatened to cut funding if she doesn't get her way. I wish I could go ahead and dare her to do so, but with the economy as it is and since I've gone back to school this fall, there is no way FI and I could raise enough money to cover for her part to meet the contracts we've signed. So we just have to sometimes hold our tounges and let her win a small battle or two to keep her happy.

And Sarah, you are assuming that they will not let their emotions get the better of their self-respect but this hasn't always been the case. My mother almost started a fight with my dad's g/f at my grandmother's (dad's mother's) wake simply bc my dad's g/f went up to her and told her that they (the family) thanks her (my mom) for coming to pay her respects, and my mom took issue ("since when does she speak for the family?! I was a part of it long before she was.") It took my dad and my grandparents (mom's parents who also came) to intervene and quietly stop things before too many people noticed. (Ironically, my parents get along decently well as long as g/f isn't involved). My dad's g/f has always has grace under fire, but putting her at a shower with my mom and my mom's sisters and without my father, might just be inviting trouble. Frankly, it probably wasn'ty apparent from my first post, but I'm more worried about my mom/dad's g/f combo then I am for my FMIL/FSMIL. I only thought to splitting them up too to try to be nice and make everyone happy.

I'm not so worried about RD and wedding since people will be there (ie my father and FFIL) to be barriers, but them alone (like at a shower) I am concerned about.

banana468 · December 2009

I'd honestly even call the bluff on the money offer too.

"Mom, you know that there's no one out there who can take your place. However it wouldn't be fair to my father to exclude the people important to him either."

It sounds like it could be time for a heart to heart maybe after the holidays?

Even something like, "Mom, you absolutely know that I love you but if you make a scene, you know I can't back you up."

::hugs:: I know this can't be easy on you.

irishxmyst · December 2009

Thanks, Banana! I'll try those lines, although I have said similar stuff to her before...frankly I've been trying to have this heart to heart with her for years, but it never really sinks in.

This stuff is only the tip of the iceberg on the load of BS issues my FI and I are dealing with (mostly from my family, in comparision FI's family has been a dream to work with, except for FSMIL's occasional competitiveness, and the divorce issue).

Also, go fellow CT knotties!

banana468 · December 2009

You can't change your mom's behavior - but you can change how you react to it.

That's one of the larger lessons I've learned in life and I try to repeat it to myself as needed!

Hooray CT!!

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

They're all going to have to be together at the wedding and rehearsal dinner, so they might as well get used to it. If anyone, including your mother, pulls the, "If so-and-so is there, I won't go!" card, just respond calmly, "Then you'll be missed. But I won't punish another member of my family because you're being childish."

Personally, I have zero tolerance for that kind of crap. If they're going to act like petulant children, they should expect to be treated as such.

gottahavashorti · December 2009

If you have both your mom and stepmom at the same shower, could your dad and stepdad or other close male relatives come to run interference if neccessary? They could do their own thing during the shower and then step in if needed.

JaimeeP · December 2009

Just go with the one shower. You aren't going to be able to separate them for all events anyway. Talk to the moms about your expectations and see what happens. FSMIL doesn't sound so interested - she may not even attend. GF may not be comfortable going to a wedding related event that doesn't include your Dad. And having a shower that includes GF without your mom is probably going to add fuel to that fire. Ditto with the FSMIL.

mrsamyjones · December 2009

have one shower...or multiple showers it's up to you but doing it to accomodate immature adults who can't table their own issues for two hours is not a good enough reason to hold multiple ones.

Honestly the drama factor is something that every bride deals with...if something goes down, it goes down, there isnt much you can do to prevent it. honestly it doesnt sound like any of this drama is stemming from you so it shouldnt bother you as much as it obviously is. You dont need to play the role of mediator for your own bridal shower... just let it happen, enjoy the day

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