Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament

Ryugawa · December 2012

So I have a few issues

For starters I have 2 Best Friends I would love to have as Bridesmaids and 1 more that I am not as close to but would also love to be my bridesmaid. Then I have my friend who thinks that we are very close but I don't feel the same way. How can I tell her she isn't a bridesmaid? (She keeps mentioning it)

Also, my Fience doesn't have any best best friends to be his groomsmen. He does have three brothers, though, which would make make my bridesmaids situation work well (3 and 3). Because he doesn't have any guy friends, should we just not have bridesmaids and groomsmen?

Lastly, my two best friends have both been with me many years, we have an always have been a trio, so how do I choose my maid of honor between them?

Summer2011Bride · December 2012

1. Don't tell your friend she isn't in the WP. Just don't ask her to be in it.
2. Your FI should ask whomever he wants to be on his side. Does he not want to ask his brothers? That wasn't clear from your post. It should be up to him and sides don't have to be even.
3. You could have two MOH's.

MyNameIsNot · December 2012

1. Wait until 6-9 months before the wedding to ask anyone to be in the wedding party. If your wedding is in 2015, you have a year or two before it's time to even think about this.

2. When the time does come, ask whoever you feel closest to, and tell your FI to do the same. Even numbers don't matter, and whether other people think they should be asked doesn't matter.

3. With the girl who is asking, for the next 2 years say "it's much to early to be thinking about bridesmaid anything right now." When the time does come to ask people, if you still don't want to ask this girl and she brings it up again, simply say "we've already asked everyone who will be standing up with us" and then change the subject.

4. Wedding parties are not about what anyone can do for you. None of them have any responsibilities or expectations for wedding planning. You should ask your absolute closest to be MOH, and your other close friends to be BM. If you are a trio and don't feel closer to either, have 2 or 0 MOHs.

Jen4948 · December 2012

I'd hold off on choosing anyone as an MOH until about 6 months or so before your wedding. Then, when that time comes, choose whoever you feel closest to, and let it go at that.

For the girl who's asking now, tell her "It's not something I'm ready to decide about now" until then.

lovesclimbing · December 2012

I agree with everyone who has said wait. It's way too early now to pick bridesmaids and MOH.

Also, as PPs have said, you don't tell her she's not a BM. Just don't ask and it is rude of her to ask if she is one. I had a friend ask to be a BM and it was terribly awkward. (I didn't choose her).

There is nothing wrong with your FI having his three brothers as GMs if that's what he wants. I'm having my three sisters as my BMs.

I'll disagree with PPs about having two MOHs. I have only heard of bad (not necessarily terrible, just awkward and not the best) situations from having two MOHs from my friends who did it that way. I would go with not having any MOHs and just having all of them be regular BMs.

ftrmrsw · December 2012

How can you not have an MOH? Who signs the registry? Who makes the MOH Speech?

Ok... I get its possible, FI was in a wedding this summer and neither the Bride nor Groom picked a MOH or BM and honestly everyone in the wedding party wished they had. Instead they distibuted the "job's" of these roles mungst the whole party.

I know its possible, and I get why you don't want to pick. But just think how your BM's would feel that you haven't picked ANYONE. Honestly FI wished his friend would have just picked a Best Man, whether it was him or not, it would have just simplified things.

As for your poll question - I did choose my MOH based on how she'd handle the position. Sure people say that your wedding Party just needs to show up dressed and smile for pictures. But in reality its not REALLY that easy. The MOH has alot of responsibilities, whether she does them or not is irrelevant.

If you want the all the bells and whistles, pick the girl you can rely on the most. Who will be excited to go dress shopping with you. Who will tell you to calm down when you're stressing over table linens. This girl is also being a part of your history. She's signing the piece of paper that makes you and FI, husband and wife. This is something I don't take lightly. Its not just about showing up, smiling and holding your bouquet. IMO.

Edit: for typos

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-and-groomsmen-predicament?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:10745bd4-481d-424f-bf01-e33ddc183319Post:3bc7aaa3-b509-4eb0-9b1c-550a7a07281b">Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament</a>:
[QUOTE]How can you not have an MOH? Who signs the registry? Who makes the MOH Speech? Ok... I get its possible, FI was in a wedding this summer and neither the Bride nor Groom picked a MOH or BM and honestly everyone in the wedding party wished they had. Instead they distibuted the "job's" of these roles mungst the whole party. I know its possible, and I get why you don't want to pick. But just think how your BM's would feel that you haven't picked ANYONE. Honestly FI wished his friend would have just picked a Best Man, whether it was him or not, it would have just simplified things. As for your poll question - I did choose my MOH based on how she'd handle the position. Sure people say that your wedding Party just needs to show up dressed and smile for pictures. But in reality its not REALLY that easy. The MOH has alot of responsibilities, whether she does them or not is irrelevant. If you want the all the bells and whistles, pick the girl you can rely on the most. Who will be excited to go dress shopping with you. Who will tell you to calm down when you're stressing over table linens. This girl is also being a part of your history. She's signing the piece of paper that makes you and FI, husband and wife. This is something I don't take lightly. Its not just about showing up, smiling and holding your bouquet. IMO. Edit: for typos
Posted by ftrmrsw[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Who signs the registry? You mean the marriage certificate? Anyone can sign it. We originally planned on our parents signing it, but our minister asked 2 of our attendants before we had a chance to tell them what we wanted. I didn't consider either of my 2 girls my MOH. They both did the exact same thing and are both equally important to me and were both equally important to my wedding day. The only speech we had was given by my father. Speeches are not necessary. And as for all the other "responsibilities" and things you listed, nobody in your wedding party is responsible for or required to do any of those things. There is nothing to "handle" in the MOH "position."

</div>

ftrmrsw · December 2012

Yes marriage certificate my mistake. Around here the BM and MOH sign it.

As i stated, I understand its possible. In my opinion however, being MOH is more than just showing up and looking pretty. Whether you admit it or not, there are other things that come with being an MOH.

Therefore IF you are going to have one, I'd pick one that I could count on.

ftrmrsw · December 2012

Did you have an MOH?

Did she ONLY show up on the wedding day? If that is ALL she did... Fine point taken. If she did ANYTHING wedding related aside from standing beside you. I rest my case.

SKPM · December 2012

In Response to Re:Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament:[QUOTE]Did you have an MOH?Did she ONLY show up on the wedding day? If that is ALL she did... Fine point taken. If she did ANYTHING wedding related aside from standing beside you. I rest my case. Posted by ftrmrsw[/QUOTE]
I did not have a MOH, I had 4 BMs and I valued them equally and saw zero point in choosing one to be my extra super special BM. They all did other things, from hosting a shower to giving a toast, but it was on their own accord, NOT because I assigned them a list of duties.

[Deleted User] · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-and-groomsmen-predicament?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:10745bd4-481d-424f-bf01-e33ddc183319Post:f3c25cc8-01a1-47d4-9a17-9ce901b0af84">Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament</a>:
[QUOTE]Did you have an MOH? Did she ONLY show up on the wedding day? If that is ALL she did... Fine point taken. If she did ANYTHING wedding related aside from standing beside you. I rest my case.
Posted by ftrmrsw[/QUOTE]

I think the point, though, is that you shouldn't choose an MOH by who is going to be the best helper to you. Your MOH should be the person who, as I've seen on many posts here, you would call to help you bury a dead body, the person who is THAT close to you. My sister is my MOH. She lives across the country and has a 6 month old. Amazingly, yes, she is still doing a lot for me which is incredible and awesome. But I picked her expecting she might only be able to show up day of depending on flights/baby/etc. I have other very dear friends near me who could have gone to venues with me to look, helped pick dresses, help with crafts because they're physically, closer. But that didn't matter - what mattered is my sister is my rock and my best friend and I've known since I've known what an MOH is that she would be the person up there with me.

So, I think that's what people are getting at. Do many MOHs do more because they love the brides that they're MOH for. Sure, yeah, of course - so do many bridesmaids. And many friends who aren't even in the wedding party. Should what your MOH can or can't do for you being a consideration in picking her? Nope.

ftrmrsw · December 2012

For the record I have not "assigned" duties to anyone. I have not even asked anything of my BM's aside from asking them if they wanted to come dress shopping with me (No Obligation) but two did, (my MOH made it to all my appointments) two didn't. I have not asked for a shower or a bachelorette. I have no asked them to do anything.

I still maintain that I asked my MOH to be my MOH becuase I know she would be honoured and take the role seriously. I.E. My sister could not be bothered to care about anything but herself, therefore I did not even consider asking her to be MOH. My other two BM's are great friends, but one lives far away and the other is moving. My FSIL in my opinion was the best person to pick.

I'm not saying what RetreadBride said about it being all about me, becuase its not all about me. If it was I'd be having the wedding I want instead of the wedding everyone thinks we should have.

OP- if you don't want an MOH or BM, don't have one. If you want one, I think you know deep down who you'd like to pick. Its not up to you to spare people's feelings and not ask someone to be your MOH in fear that you might hurt the other girls feelings. Everyone is an adult. They can handle it.

ftrmrsw · December 2012

I'm equally close to all my BM's so no I did not pick her becuase she's the closest to me.

I'm close to them all for different reasons.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-and-groomsmen-predicament?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:10745bd4-481d-424f-bf01-e33ddc183319Post:f3c25cc8-01a1-47d4-9a17-9ce901b0af84">Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament</a>:
[QUOTE]Did you have an MOH? Did she ONLY show up on the wedding day? If that is ALL she did... Fine point taken. If she did ANYTHING wedding related aside from standing beside you. I rest my case.
Posted by ftrmrsw[/QUOTE]

<div>All 3 adult members of our wedding party did wedding related things b/c they are our friends and wanted to be helpful. We also had friends not in the wedding party who helped just as much as they did. So I guess ALL those people were honorary Maids and Men of Honor by that criteria? So I still don't see how you've made your case. </div>

SKPM · December 2012

In Response to Re:Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament:[QUOTE] You pick the person that is closest to you, and if they can't make favors, hate dress shopping, have messy handwriting, dread public speaking, and are allergic to flowers, you pick them anyway. MOHs aren't required to make favors, go shopping, give toasts, sign documents, or hold flowers for you, often they do those things as favors to a treasured friend. See the difference? Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
Exactly this.

daveANDkristen · December 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-and-groomsmen-predicament?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:10745bd4-481d-424f-bf01-e33ddc183319Post:f3c25cc8-01a1-47d4-9a17-9ce901b0af84">Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament</a>:
[QUOTE]Did you have an MOH? Did she ONLY show up on the wedding day? If that is ALL she did... Fine point taken. If she did ANYTHING wedding related aside from standing beside you. I rest my case.
Posted by ftrmrsw[/QUOTE]

Yes I had a MOH, and she held my bouquet during the ceremony and (along with my H's best man) signed our marriage certificate. That is all she did that was different from my other two BMs. They all threw my shower and bachelorette party together. This does not prove your point at all...</div>

RWolff · December 2012

My baby sister (who just turned 16) is my MOH. Should I not have picked her because she can't legally sign my marriage certificate? Or because she can't hire strippers and serve alcohol at some wild bachelorette party? She doesn't even live in the same state, and it seems a little much to expect a high schooler to help me with the wedding.

Ask who you want when the time is appropriate. If you do have an MOH, it should be a person that you are going to be happy to see standing next to you in 10, 20, or 30 years.

OliveOilsMom · December 2012

OP - in addition to waiting to ask your BP members. I would not choose 2 MOHs in this situation since you are currently planning to ask 3 girls. That would leave the 1 girl out and not feeling as "special" as the other 2. In your instance, if by the time you ask your girls, if you cannot pick 1 MOH, I would just have 3 BMs.

OwningAHome1981 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-and-groomsmen-predicament?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:10745bd4-481d-424f-bf01-e33ddc183319Post:3bc7aaa3-b509-4eb0-9b1c-550a7a07281b">Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament</a>:
[QUOTE]How can you not have an MOH? Who signs the registry? Who makes the MOH Speech? Ok... I get its possible, FI was in a wedding this summer and neither the Bride nor Groom picked a MOH or BM and honestly everyone in the wedding party wished they had. Instead they distibuted the "job's" of these roles mungst the whole party. I know its possible, and I get why you don't want to pick. But just think how your BM's would feel that you haven't picked ANYONE. Honestly FI wished his friend would have just picked a Best Man, whether it was him or not, it would have just simplified things. As for your poll question - I did choose my MOH based on how she'd handle the position. Sure people say that your wedding Party just needs to show up dressed and smile for pictures. But in reality its not REALLY that easy. The MOH has alot of responsibilities, whether she does them or not is irrelevant. If you want the all the bells and whistles, pick the girl you can rely on the most. Who will be excited to go dress shopping with you. Who will tell you to calm down when you're stressing over table linens. This girl is also being a part of your history. She's signing the piece of paper that makes you and FI, husband and wife. This is something I don't take lightly. Its not just about showing up, smiling and holding your bouquet. IMO. Edit: for typos
Posted by ftrmrsw[/QUOTE]

You do not NEED an MOH. Anyone can sign as the witness papers.

OwningAHome1981 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-and-groomsmen-predicament?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:10745bd4-481d-424f-bf01-e33ddc183319Post:6dcb2990-cd49-4e91-aa8e-4a66b61a15a6">Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament : You do not NEED an MOH. Anyone can sign the witness papers.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

StephJean83 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-and-groomsmen-predicament?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:10745bd4-481d-424f-bf01-e33ddc183319Post:f3c25cc8-01a1-47d4-9a17-9ce901b0af84">Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament</a>:
[QUOTE]Did you have an MOH? <strong>Did she ONLY show up on the wedding day?</strong> If that is ALL she did... Fine point taken. If she did ANYTHING wedding related aside from standing beside you. I rest my case.
Posted by ftrmrsw[/QUOTE]

I haven't asked my wedding party yet but I have to say something about MOH only showing up the day of the wedding. My older sister got married 6 yrs ago, her MOH lives in Vegas and my sister lives in Wisconsin. Her MOH did throw her a bach party, in Vegas for those who could make it. Her (now) MIL threw her shower with no help from any of the BMs. The 3 BMs who live in Wisconsin went with my sister to pick out the dresses, the MOH just called in her credit card and measurements. She didn't help plan anything, didn't help set anything up, didn't help my sister make bouquets, she showed up the morning of the wedding at the salon and at the reception did give a toast.

I was MOH in my friend's wedding a couple years ago and since I had the time I did help my friend with a lot of the wedding planning. I told my friend to use me however she saw fit. Why? Because I had the time and interest in doing it, some people don't. Yes, I helped pick out invites, decorations, I found the minister, I wrote their ceremony(word for word, including their vows), I etched the vases for the sand ceremony and my mom made all the bouquets. In all honesty, had my friend said to me, "Steph you will write my ceremony, you will etch the vases for the sand ceremony, you will do this/that/whatever" I would have told her to take a long walk off a short pier.

I have 3 really good friends who when we get closer to my wedding I will most likely ask to be BMs with my sisters and my FSILs. I know my friends and they have already offered to help me with stuff but it was them OFFERING not me saying "Friend Betty, I need you to go with me to pick out tuxes, flowers, whatever". It was my friends saying to me, "when you do anything wedding related, let me know so I can help."

Viczaesar · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-and-groomsmen-predicament?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:10745bd4-481d-424f-bf01-e33ddc183319Post:e789f458-5744-43f8-89f7-65a1539f62e0">Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes marriage certificate my mistake. Around here the BM and MOH sign it. As i stated, I understand its possible. In my opinion however, being MOH is more than just showing up and looking pretty. <strong>Whether you admit it or not, there are other things that come with being an MOH. </strong>Therefore IF you are going to have one, I'd pick one that I could count on.
Posted by ftrmrsw[/QUOTE]
Nope. You are incorrect.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

In Response to Re:Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament:[QUOTE]I went dress shopping by myself all three times.nbsp; I'm probably the only woman on the planet who despises shopping with other people.nbsp; I might have taken my mother if she'd been alive, but there's no way in hell I'd take a gaggle of girlfriends.I didn't ask my bridesmaids to do anything for any of my weddings, either.nbsp; They offered and I declined.nbsp; Same reasons as above.Nobody held my bouquet for me.nbsp; Why would I need them to? I transferred it to my right hand.nbsp; Duh. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Nope, make that one of two. I hate waiting for how long your average girl takes just to look at things, times how ever many girls are in the group. I know immediately if I want something or not, so the rest is everyone else's show.

Also, my sister lived too far away to do anything other thatn show at my wedding and sign as witness. But I never once even considered anything but MOH for her. I love her, not what she can do for me. That's what matters, nothing else.

tlc35 · December 2012

My sister had 3 BM and no MOH at her wedding. It was just fine with no problems or confusion. She did not want to pick between me and our other sister. As it turned out I held the bouquet and my sister gave a speech because she likes doing that kind of thing. It was just fine. I actually am not sure who signed the license and it doesn't matter.

MountainBro · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-and-groomsmen-predicament?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:10745bd4-481d-424f-bf01-e33ddc183319Post:46e97d1e-3c41-417c-b8b5-0edf0301f842">Re: Bridesmaids and Groomsmen predicament</a>:
[QUOTE]WHOA! PUT ON THE BRAKES! Your wedding isn't until 2015! Don't pick ANYONE this far from the wedding date. Relationships can change, and you cannot put someone out of the wedding party once you've asked them. It's a very public slight that will end the friendship. Even sides are not, and never have been, a tradition or requirement. The only people who are at the wedding to be paired up are the bride and groom. You pick your side and he picks his, without regard to numbers. It's terrible to exclude a dear friend because they are the "odd one" and equally bad to pick someone just to have a warm body up there. You'll see the loving faces of friends when you look at your wedding album on your silver anniversary. You won't count heads to see how many folks are in the photos, or calculate bride vs groom ratios. Don't choose anyone more than six months from the actual wedding date, when it's time to shop for their attire. There is nothing for them to do right now.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Indeed! Put it off. I think the reason she feels pressured is that this friend keeps mentioning it. Just change the subject when she brings it up. And if she presses you, say you haven't really finalized things because it's not until 2015! Play it cool. It's bad etiquette for her to press to be in the wedding party, and you shouldn't feel the need to assuage her feelings.

</div>

negirls009 · January 2013

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