FMIL Vent

heather0711 · May 2011

I'm not sure that I have ever really posted in this particular board. My fiance is in the Marine Corps, he's currently deployed to Afghanistan and we're getting married in January.

Anyways, here's my major issue. It's not really related to the military at all, only that it's about my fiance's mother.
I swear, it's like competing with some girl in high school. Everything I do, she tries to one-up me. And just in general, she's a total hypocrit and criticizes me over something and then the following week is doing it. I do not have a close relationship with her, obviously. My FI didn't have a close relationship with his parents until he and I started dating 2 years ago (we've been best friends since we were 7). He used to never come home on 96s or take any leave until we got together. She criticizes me, belittles me, speaks to be in an incredibly condescedning tone. She practically stalks me on facebook. I've contemplated deleting it but it's an easy way to keep in touch with my FI while he's in Afghan.
I never say anything because my FI has worked so hard at regained their respect and the last thing I want to do is come between that but she is pushing me to a breaking point. I'm not good to begin with at keeping my mouth shut about things so this is driving me insane! And with him deployed, ir's worse and I have no buffer. I just can't wait for him to be back home. Unfortunately, though, I think it's going to get worse before it gets better.
His parents are the reason he joined the Corps. They practicaly convinced him he was scum and was never going to amount to anything. So he pretty much said 'screw it, i've got nothing to keep me here', went to a recruiter, signed the papers, came home told me he was joining, few weeks later told his parents, and a month after that he was off to Boot (this was before we were dating). I don't think she realizes that she put him there and I don't think she knows the reason he comes home is to see me. I realize this sounds totally self-centered and arrogant but it really is the truth. She also expects pitty from everyone, it makes me crazy. I don't tell anyone he's deployed unless they ask, I don't want people to feel bad for me - it's his job. I think it's disgusting that she goes out of her way to ensure that people feel bad for her.

I could go on for days about this so I'm just going to stop now. Any advice, let me know

kyrgyzstan · May 2011

I think it's really sad that your FI has been working to regain their respect. They clearly don't deserve it.

I hope he's coming home a decent amount of time prior to the wedding. I would use the Military One Source free counseling (like 11 sessions), and I would go to counseling together (you can go with even if you're not married because it's also your issue and it's affecting your FI) to see why he feels the need to have someone in his life who neither respects him nor his future wife. It sounds like they were very emotionally abusive, and that's not something I would keep in my life. We had to draw a lot of lines with FI's family (not over disrespect/emotional abuse), and it was very difficult for FI. Counseling helped him a lot, it helped him understand that his relationship with his family has been a bad cycle, and he had to end it. He did. Your FI can too. You do not have to put up with this just because she's his blood relative.

First things first, block her and any other disrespectful people on FB. Then lock down your FB completely. Make all your settings/albums visible to friends only, make yourself unsearchable, make it impossible to send you a message without being your friend, etc. Then figure out your next steps. Counseling should be there, for you before he gets home and for both of you after, and BEFORE the wedding. He doesn't have to deal with it himself whilst deployed, but he can know that you're going to set up boundaries for yourself. You have a right to be respected.

Beachy730 · May 2011

Seriously, other than the part about him trying to gain their respect now, I could have written this myself. My MIL craves attention and seeks it out, and I can't stand people like that. Also, she is definitely a one-upper, which drives me insane. For example, H was deployed at Christmas but on a port viist, so he and I were able to Skype for about an hour and half Christmas morning. We hung up leaving him time to call his mom and his grandparents. I put up a FB status saying something about I'd rather have him home with me, but skyping on Christmas morning from across the world is amazing. Doesn't she put one up 20 minutes later saying she just got the 1 thing she really wanted for Christmas, a phone call from her son from his ship blah blah blah." I wanted to scream. (It probably doesn't seem that bad, but there are a million other examples I could give that would justify my feelings more).

While H was gone she drove me abosutely insane, and she lives on the other side of the country as me. She would constantly call me about stupid things, like call me frantically to ask if I heard from her son since it's been weeks since she had, even though I talked to her literally the day before and said I talked to him that day. She tried insisting I didn't send him a care package in the week she was sending him one, because we should spread them out. I said that I send him one a week anyways, so send it whenever she wanted, and she still tried insisting. I don't take "orders" well, so I sent 2 that week.

I was slowly going crazy while he was gone, and getting to the point where I couldn't stand her, and it was honestly starting to eat away at me. I finally realized that she could only get to me if I let her. So I stopped answering her phone calls. If she leaves a voicemail, I listen to it, and only call back if she had a real reason for calling. I ignore all of her forward texts that she sends, and I usually delete her comments on my FB. I would just block her if I didn't think I would hear about it forever. Now when I talk to her, it's on my terms, and I feel way better about it.

When H came home things got much better because she could just call him again. I barely hear from her, but when I do it is still often annoying. For example, H was working last week, and when on the ship he has no service. So she called me after, and said shhe was "just checking to make sure everything was okay between me and H." WTF? Because his phone is off you think we are having marital problems?

Okay this turned into a novel. Basically, I know EXACTLY what you are going through, and can tell you that it will get much better once you put your relationship with her on your terms, and not hers. Ignore her pity requests, and just keep being the strong military SO you are being.

heather0711 · May 2011

Yes! that all sounds so similiar to what she's doing.
I've been doing better at just ignoring her, only when I need to do I address anything she says to me.
I'm glad I'm not the only one with this problem.

SamiJoeB · May 2011

Just an idea, if you and your FI have email accounts, that would be a much easier, more private way of communicating. I deleted my FB for reasons like this (this and girls that created drama in my relationship), it seems like a terrible thing to do at the time, but you'll discover that you have so much more free time!!

I had a great relationship with my IL's until I moved in with them. Now I think they are kind of crazy. Try to take her with a grain of salt and listen to Beach and Stan. Block her, or ignore her, you'll feel better.

Alice and Les · May 2011

Well I had to take a look at your FI and make sure we aren't marrying the same man because our FMIL's sound like the same person.

It really depends on what you and your FI want to do about the situation. My FMIL is horrible just like yours. The closer we get to the wedding date, the worse she gets. We reached my breaking point last week, and FI stepped up. He told his mom that either she start being nice to me and to him or he was cutting her out of his life.

Have you let your FI know that her attitude towards you is a problem? Does he have a problem with her treating you that way? Does he have a problem being treated that way?

If you answered no to any of those questions you might want to ask yourself why they no's.

If it really is becoming a problem you need to let your FI know. If you handle the situation it will only put your FI in the middle. If he handles it, then she will eventually get over it and not be as upset.

I hope this helps. Feel free to add me, use military wives have to stick together. Especially when our FMILs are trying to drive us away lol

SamiJoeB · May 2011

Alice and Les,
You should familiarize yourself with OPSEC and PERSEC, and consider getting a new sn. It's unlikely, but anyone could figure out who you and your FI really are, and especially with mentioning his deployment in your profile, you can never be too careful. Just a friendly heads up!

Alice and Les · May 2011

Hey SamiJoe

I thought we were allowed to mention deployments and dates once they have been finished? Thanks for the heads up though. I will be getting a new one in a few weeks

SamiJoeB · May 2011

I personally just play it safe and generally say no more than DH is, was, or has been deployed. I don't like to use dates or even locations at all, but I'm probably a little overly cautious. I just would hate to feel like I could have possibly put my own, or anyone else's SO at risk.

heather0711 · May 2011

I think for now what I'm going to do is ignore her as best as I can and when FI gets back from deployment, I will see where we're at and go from there. I've never said anything to him about any of it because I feel so guilty since he has worked so hard at trying to get that appreciation and rrespect from his parents, espically mommy-dearest. We've barely put a dent into this deployment so I've got quite a few months of this on my own, I definitely don't want to try to explain this to him via a letter. Fingers crossed it gets better!
Thanks for the advice!

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