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So...nothing yet...

mystakillamystakilla member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Not Engaged Yet
OK...I am sure this will be a post that has been on here before, but my turn.  We started talking about engagement last new years eve.  I wasnt expecting it because he has been married before.  We looked hard for about a month and I fell in love with a ring we saw.  Then after I went through the look at gowns, venues, flowers, etc phase (without a ring), I stopped because he wasnt talking about it and I was on here and read to try to focus on something else.  Well that worked for a while and he would bring up getting married, but then still no ring.  So I totally stopped talking about it because the yo~yo was making me nuts!  I finally decided that he was working on paying for it and it would happen when it happened.  The other day he brought it up again.  I told him I stopped talking about it and dwelling on it because it had to pressure him some.  Then tonight he was looking at the ring online and made it sound like he hasent even tried to start paying on it!!!  UGH!!!  What do guys not realize about the dangling carrot??  In the mean time, my cousin got engaged and married, for the second time, two women at work got married, another got engaged and his friend, who looked at rings after us, already got engaged!!!!  I do not doubt that he wants to, I really believe it is the money.  I just want to scream...so what do I do?  Any ideas, suggestions?  Should I just SCREAM?!!?  
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Re: So...nothing yet...

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    peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Advice for tonight - go to bed.  Sleep.  Come back in the morning and re-read this.  See if you have a different perspective.
    I french with my man
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    Peaseblossom55Peaseblossom55 mod
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    pee k I love your new siggy pic!!!

    Anniversary

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    kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle member
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    There will always be people around you getting married, you can't let it drive you crazy.  I agree with Peek's advice.
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    leia1979leia1979 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In addition to what the other ladies have said, did you guys ever discuss a timeline or just getting married some day? A lot of this "yo-yo-ing" is your own rationalization of the situation. Sit down with your BF and have a grown up discussion. Your expectations are obviously not in alignment.

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    peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sonothing-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdb0d071-38e6-4db6-9ef1-ac50995af486Post:52deb167-4424-433b-bda2-858b433447b4">So...nothing yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK...I am sure this will be a post that has been on here before, but my turn.  We started talking about engagement last new years eve.  I wasnt expecting it because he has been married before.  We looked hard for about a month and I fell in love with a ring we saw.  <strong>Then after I went through the look at gowns, venues, flowers, etc phase (without a ring), I stopped because he wasnt talking about it and I was on here and read to try to focus on something else.  </strong>Well that worked for a while and he would bring up getting married, but then still no ring.  <strong>So I totally stopped talking about it because the yo~yo was making me nuts!  I finally decided that he was working on paying for it and it would happen when it happened. </strong> The other day he brought it up again.  I told him I stopped talking about it and dwelling on it because it had to pressure him some.  <strong>Then tonight he was looking at the ring online and made it sound like he hasent even tried to start paying on it!!! </strong> UGH!!!  What do guys not realize about the dangling carrot??  <u>In the mean time, my cousin got engaged and married, for the second time, two women at work got married, another got engaged and his friend, who looked at rings after us, already got engaged!!!!</u>  <strong>I do not doubt that he wants to, I really believe it is the money. </strong> I just want to scream...so what do I do?  Any ideas, suggestions?  Should I just SCREAM?!!?  
    Posted by mystakilla[/QUOTE]

    <div>Hopefully at this point you've had some mind-clearing sleep and you can realize that you sound crazy.  You may be, I don't know.</div><div>
    </div><div>Here's the deal.  You went off the deep end after you looked at rings the first time.  Wanna know a secret?  My BF and I looked at rings (I swear it was an accident) a MONTH after we started dating.  It doesn't mean anything except that it was on his mind, or, in our case, the sparklies were next to the Rolex he was eyeing while we were window shopping.  Oops, my b.  You don't plan a wedding until you're engaged, and looking at rings does not in and of itself an engagement make.</div><div>
    </div><div>Second: Good for you on cutting out your BSC.  That takes a lot of effort.  But if you were concerned about his timeline, you should have asked him and not just assumed he was working on paying it off.  If you can't have open communication about the most important next step in your relationship, how are you going to talk about the hard stuff?</div><div>
    </div><div>Third (the underlined): If you compare your relationship to everyone elses, you will get absolutely nowhere with it.  And I mean absolutely nowhere.  Stuck in square one, or whatever they're saying these days.  There are girls (usually crazy ones, although on the odd occasion it works) who get engaged after 3 months, there are girls who've been waiting 10 years.  Every relationship is different, just like every financial situation is different.  You don't get to stomp your feet and throw a fit because someone else looked at rings after you and got engaged before you.  Whoop-de-doo.  Big freaking deal.  Your time WILL come, but until then, you need to relax and enjoy your relationship in the moment.  If you aren't moving forward and you need to to be happy, then you need to talk to him.  But to me it sounds like you just had a case of the temper tantrums and you need to knock it off.</div>
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    birddeisgnerbirddeisgner
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    I agree with Peek.  She's being  really nice about it.
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    peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sonothing-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdb0d071-38e6-4db6-9ef1-ac50995af486Post:be6ffac5-9529-4823-a24c-6b086a0baef2">Re: So...nothing yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with Peek.  She's being  really nice about it.
    Posted by birddeisgner[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm trying really hard to be a nice person.</div>
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    msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    I went through this for 6 months before I finally just told him "Listen, I'll discuss a wedding and go ring shopping again when you propse and/or are ready to buy something. Otherwise, this is hurting me and it needs to stop." So, it did. He went through the same thing you did. Talking about it, going ring shopping, then nothing for a few weeks, then talking about it, going ring shopping, then nothing for a few weeks, ect... When I finally said it was hurting me to do that, he understood that it was giving me false hopes and he let it go. Just be honest with him. He probably has no idea that it's bothering you, he probably thinks it's funny to get a rise out of you, or he's truely enjoying shopping and seeing you happy. Though, deep down, he's not ready or he would have done it. Give it time, let it go, and find something else to keep you occupied. If you need suggestions, I suggeste cooking, joining a running group, or taking a foreign language class.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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    loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Ok.  Here's what you need to do.

    Sit down with your BF and CALMY and rationally say, "I'd like to discuss our relationship.  Several months ago we were actively looking at engagment rings and fell in love with XYZ ring.  I'm not asking you to drop to your knee right this second, in fact that would be about as unromantic as that could get, but I want to discuss timelines with you.  Where would you like to be in 6 months?  1 year?  5 years?"

    And LISTEN to what he says.  Don't just HEAR him.  Really listen.  See if his timelines match up with yours.  And go from there.

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    pickleladypicklelady member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sonothing-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdb0d071-38e6-4db6-9ef1-ac50995af486Post:e05256a3-70db-4c6d-9b29-ff35fa864ed8">Re: So...nothing yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok.  Here's what you need to do. Sit down with your BF and CALMY and rationally say, "I'd like to discuss our relationship.  Several months ago we were actively looking at engagment rings and fell in love with XYZ ring.  I'm not asking you to drop to your knee right this second, in fact that would be about as unromantic as that could get, but I want to discuss timelines with you.  Where would you like to be in 6 months?  1 year?  5 years?" And LISTEN to what he says.  Don't just HEAR him.  Really listen.  See if his timelines match up with yours.  And go from there.
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    Loves2Shop nailed it. I went through my period of crazy. All my friends were either engaged or married. Family members younger than me (I'm only 23!) were getting engaged and married. Friends were even getting pregnant! I kept trying to look at the relationship and understand why we weren't engaged or married yet,trying to figure out what were we doing wrong.

    After a few months of crazy, my boyfriend and I sat down to have one good, solid conversation. We were honest with each other about expectations and assumptions. He was very frank about how my craziness around getting engaged was affecting him and his views of the relationship. We walked away with a timeline for when we were hoping events would occur and having identified changes that needed to be made now to make the time that we still have dating enjoyable and fun again.
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    minskat30minskat30 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sonothing-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdb0d071-38e6-4db6-9ef1-ac50995af486Post:e05256a3-70db-4c6d-9b29-ff35fa864ed8">Re: So...nothing yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok.  Here's what you need to do. Sit down with your BF and CALMY and rationally say, "I'd like to discuss our relationship.  Several months ago we were actively looking at engagment rings and fell in love with XYZ ring.  I'm not asking you to drop to your knee right this second, in fact that would be about as unromantic as that could get, but I want to discuss timelines with you.  Where would you like to be in 6 months?  1 year?  5 years?" And LISTEN to what he says.  Don't just HEAR him.  Really listen.  See if his timelines match up with yours.  And go from there.
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    This.  This is great advice.  And don't try to argue with him or rationalize his answers if they aren't what you want to hear when he tells you where he wants to be in 6 months/1 year/5 years.
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    jnl9202jnl9202 member
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    Kind of going through the same thing! My boyfriend has been dropping hints for about 2 months that he has looked at rings, and then actually looked at them right in front of my on the computer the other night, asking me what I liked! So a few days later we were talking about friends who are getting maried, and he started to tell me that he is not ready to get engaged, and that he doesn't want to get married until he is done with school (he's in grad school), which is 3-4 years from now. Now with that said, that is not the problem. The problem I have is that he misled me to believe that getting engaged soon was a possibility by talking about and looking at rings. So basically now I'm crushed and I can hardly even talk to him. Any advice ladies? 



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    annmarie714annmarie714 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sonothing-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fdb0d071-38e6-4db6-9ef1-ac50995af486Post:20fe2776-aca4-44d8-8bcd-7bc7b3870956">Re: So...nothing yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Kind of going through the same thing! My boyfriend has been dropping hints for about 2 months that he has looked at rings, and then actually looked at them right in front of my on the computer the other night, asking me what I liked! So a few days later we were talking about friends who are getting maried, and he started to tell me that he is not ready to get engaged, and that he doesn't want to get married until he is done with school (he's in grad school), which is 3-4 years from now. Now with that said, that is not the problem. The problem I have is that he misled me to believe that getting engaged soon was a possibility by talking about and looking at rings. So basically now I'm crushed and I can hardly even talk to him. Any advice ladies? 
    Posted by jnl9202[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I have advice.

    1) Chill out.  He didn't propose so it's not like he's taking it back.  If anything, be content in that your relationship is "solid" and he sees a future with you.

    2) If your relationship is solid enough for marriage, then it should be solid enough to talk to him about how you feel.  I sure hope with "hardly even talk to him" you're not giving him the silent treatment.

    3) He's actually making a very wise decision by waiting until he's done with grad school, despite the timeline.  In the traditional sense, he'll be able to provide for you once he's done. He will also be able to help with planning, which you will probably want. Not to mention, he won't have added financial stress of purchasing a ring while living on a student budget.
    Where there is love, there is life.-Ghandi
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    jnl9202jnl9202 member
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    Thanks for the advice. Although I don't like it, it's exactly what I needed to hear lol. 
    I'm glad that our relationship is solid enough that we know we'll get married one day. I'm not giving him the silent treatment. We discussed it in full detail today, and I was very honest that I felt like I was mislead to believe he was planning on proposing soon, and that it's fine that he isn't, but it was going to take me a couple of days to get over it, so I nicely asked him to give me some time. And in regards to the grad school comment, I should have clarified that he isn't a typical grad school student, meaning he works a full time job as an RN already and is just finishing up his masters to become an NP I know that I am being a little rediculous about the whole thing, I can admit it. Just really disapointed. But luckily I know that when he's ready it will happen and it will be great, but until then I needed to complain :)
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    mystakillamystakilla member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thank you all for your opinions and observations - trying to respond to most of it in a nutshell here -  I am not crazy, sleeping on it did nothing that first night, the situation won't change overnight - I understand that each relationship is different too.  It SUCKS, as some of you might know, when you talk about it, get excited, and then nothing happens for you but it SEEMS like everyone around you is having it happen for them.  It got better after my rant from eather this week - he talked about it again, I brought up the timeline - he said he will have to come into a lot of money before it can happen, my response was "that will never happen"...you cant wait for the money to fall out of the sky - people hope for that every day for other things that they need even to get by.  I have totally dropped it.  Last night he came home and announced that he is a groomsman for his friends wedding (yes the one that looked at rings after us, but is already engaged)...I said great!  It's next October...I said great...I will be talking to him about all of this as suggested somewhere along the line in this string of responses...if HE brings it up again.  I have had it...I am back to worrying about looking smoking hot by the time we go to that wedding next fall...Kiss
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    tonyadombrowskitonyadombrowski
    First Comment
    This exactly happened to me...And if he says its about the money he probably really does mean it... Me and my fiance have been together for 4 years and have a child together! I would constantly ask him when its going to happen, and we looked at rings and people would ask all the time. He always said he didnt have the money for the ring. ppl left and right got engaged, his best friend got engaged who met after us and also had a child together, I was so upset. I stopped asking cuz I figured it wasnt happening anytime soon, then it finally did and I had absolutely no idea and it was the best. If he brings it up, change the subject, make him think your not thinking about it anymore. Itll happen, and when your not thinking about it all the time, its an even better feeling when its does happen and you have no idea!
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    tonyadombrowskitonyadombrowski
    First Comment
    This exactly happened to me...And if he says its about the money he probably really does mean it... Me and my fiance have been together for 4 years and have a child together! I would constantly ask him when its going to happen, and we looked at rings and people would ask all the time. He always said he didnt have the money for the ring. ppl left and right got engaged, his best friend got engaged who met after us and also had a child together, I was so upset. I stopped asking cuz I figured it wasnt happening anytime soon, then it finally did and I had absolutely no idea and it was the best. If he brings it up, change the subject, make him think your not thinking about it anymore. Itll happen, and when your not thinking about it all the time, its an even better feeling when its does happen and you have no idea!
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    beardownbchsbeardownbchs member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited October 2012
    I agree with most of the posts on here...looking at rings does not automatically equal engagement. Maybe it did at first, but after you went as far as trying on dresses and looking at venues before a ring was even puchased, you probably scared the hell out of him!! How would you feel if, for example, you talked casually over dinner about how nice it would be to someday move out to the country and the next day you come hom from work with a "For Sale" sign in your yard and a tractor in your driveway? 
    The best thing you can do is talk to him about it, but not after you've thought about why you are making such a big deal about this. Do you want to be married to him or do you want to have a wedding? Are you looking forward to being his wife or out-doing the weddings you've been to? If it's the latter of these, then keep your mouth shut because you are not ready to get married. If it really is about being his wife and starting your life together, talk to him about and tell him how excited you are and it's hard to hear him be so iffy about it.
    My fiance talked about getting married for three years before we got engaged. Yes it was difficult to talk about without a ring, bit no one should ever put a timeframe on marriage because it's different for everyone. Being unsure about your marriage before you're even engaged is a sure way to get divored. I eventually told him I didn't want to hear about marriage until I had a ring and a plan, and that's what happened. It took a while, but that's what he needed and our relationship is strong because of this.
    Relax. Breathe and think about what you REALLY want. Smile
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