Sticky situation...

Kanelope · December 2009

After reviewing FMIL's guest list, I realized that one of his cousin's SO was not on her list. I don't think this is an oversight on her part. FI's cousin's SO is like 5 or 6 years older than him, which isn't that big of a deal, until you find out that they started dating when he was 16. She was working for the kid's mom at the time and volunteered to tutor him in Spanish and the rest is history. I'm pretty sure they're living together now. We haven't seen this cousin in 2 years. When we last saw him, it was at a wedding and he was visibly and vocally upset that his SO had not been invited.

Personally, I've never met the girl. FI is still disgusted by it, but I know if I told him we have to invite her, he'd be OK with it. I really don't see either situation being ideal- cousin comes alone and is crabby or cousin comes with SO and creates an awkward family situation. So, my question is, should I ask FMIL about it and tell her that we have to invite the SO whether we like her or not? Or if she doesn't want her there, can I not invite her?

nda_roxybabe · December 2009

Huh. You have to invite SO

anna.oskar · December 2009

Is FMIL paying for the whole wedding?

Kanelope · December 2009

FMIL is paying for the flowers

MrsMoto · December 2009

The past is the past, nothing you can do but move foward.
I would invite the SO, it would be the nice thing to do.

Kanelope · December 2009

Oh and the cousin is 19 or 20 if that makes any difference and dresses like he's "emo" or something... just so you can soak up the full effect of what I am marrying into

haha!

nda_roxybabe · December 2009

So they've been together for 3 or 4 years? She really needs to be invited then. Sounds like you're marrying into a little something you're not accustomed to- doesn't everyone?

Kanelope · December 2009

This is what I thought, I just needed a little support for when I get the look from FMIL and then have to explain why I would WANT to invite her! I think FMIL will be OK with it.

nda_roxybabe · December 2009

Yea, just tell her its not like she's some fling theyve been together a while and its only proper to invite her as well. After all, wouldnt you feel crummy having been with someone for over 3 years and not being invited to a family wedding with them? I would.

saschaduran · December 2009

I think FMIL needs to get over it by now, and mind her own business.

This may be an unpopular opinion but I don't think a 16 yr old dating a 21 yr old is not that big of a deal. I dated college guys when I was in high school. I also dated a 19 yr old when I was 26. They have been dating a few yrs and he is now an adult so obviously they are serious.

And how he dresses is irrelevant really. A person's choices in fasion don't sayanything about the family that you are marrying into.

SassyBrass · December 2009

Geez... my cousins are way worse! FI has to think about what HE's marrying into.

I agree to invite the S/O. If they were only together a couple weeks it'd be different. I think it's time the family understands these two are together. S/O not being invted doesn't make them not a couple, you know?

thesuninherhead · December 2009

They're a long-term relationship couple- you should invite them both. I can't believe his family has written this girl off because of her age... I wonder if it would be the same if the gender were reversed? In your young twenties/late teens there's often not a huge maturity gap, and it's not as though their relationship was illegal or that she used her age to take advantage of him.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

I agree. Either invite her, or don't invite either of them. To invite him alone is to pass judgement on his relationship, which is not your place to do.

goheels05 · December 2009

Oh, yes, well if he dresses in all black, then by all means, he shouldn't be allowed to bring a date to family functions.

BelleAlex · December 2009

id say invite her and just hope that everyone is adult enough to be pleasant and civil. you'll be surprised, i think, how theres so much going on at weddings that the things you thought would be issues wont even matter.

good luck!

mocha beans · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8822c85a-7e54-4fab-a4b2-80c637312175Post:cce102f3-2200-4fcc-99f0-924acb4c6472">Re: Sticky situation...</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and the cousin is 19 or 20 if that makes any difference and dresses like he's "emo" or something... just so you can soak up the full effect of what I am marrying into ;) haha!
Posted by Kanelope[/QUOTE]

Yes, she needs to be invited as would any other long term s/o would be.

I fail to see how a cousin dressing emo has anything to do with the caliber of a family. I have a few *emo* cousins and my family on a whole is quite normal and well adjusted. Are we supposed to be laughing with you about the kooky emo cousin in the family?

Lyss5782 · December 2009

I will preface by saying I would probably invite her.

BUT to play devil's advocate to everyone, I would also say that I disagree with the whole "adult" thing and consider 19 still a kid....when I was in college my long-time boyfriend was not invited to a family wedding and I looked at it like, "oh well, Im one of the kids...kids dont all bring dates."

And I DO think its weird to have a 16-year-old date someone so much older, but I think the gap gets less weird as they age...I dont know why.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

Disrespecting someone else's relationship is not an awesome thing to do at your wedding. It's not FMIL's kid or relationship - she needs to back off.

Lean back on proper etiquette. Especially if you are letting single people bring dates. Long term SOs always get invited because it's polite.

Maybe she won't even come because she won't want to subject herself to family ridicule. But inviting her is still the right thing.

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