HELP! Need Advice (Long, sorry)

cincychick35 · March 2011

.

pattitti2001 · March 2011

I'm so sorry honey that you are going theough this... I tell from my experience that this is not a good sign. The fact that he is intentionally doing this behind your back eventhough he knows its not right. The "So let’s move this to email, she won’t be able to track that” part shows that he has 1: no intention to cut contact with her, 2: he intends to lie to you and heep the friendship going, 3: He is teaming up with her "against" you.
The TXT is imature and flerty and you would not expect that from a guy that you have been with for 2 years AND will marry in 5 months.
Good luck honey...

MikesAngie · March 2011

Right now I would postpone the marriage - I would call the vendors and let them know that the date needs to change due to a family emergency.

I would then sit my FI down and ask what kind of a friendship does he have with this woman. If she is just a friend, then have him introduce you. If there is something more going on then you need to find out, and find out why. Is there something within your relationship that is broken from his point of view - or is he just excited about the attention from another woman? Or what?

People should have friends and couples don't have to share every friend in common. I have friends of both genders but my FI knows all about them and I tell him about the conversations I have with them. He has friends of both genders and I know the types of friends they are. We have no secrets.

I'm sorry that he's putting you through this and that there is now a lack of trust.

kt012885 · March 2011

Oh I'm so sorry! This is not good! The fact that he lied and said he was gonna cut off contact and now "move it to email". Not good. I'd confront him and tell him you saw his phone and this is unacceptable. Ask him how he would feel if it were the other way around. Tell him you guys need to postpone the wedding, he cuts off contact and try to get his trust back. honestly tho, i dont wanna give you false hope, but guys who act like this- really have a hard time not doing it again. If it were me, and im a lil nuts

, I'd contact the girl. Get her number from his phone and give her a call if he won't stop. Be nice and just say, "I don't appreciate this and I hope you will end contact with my soon to be husband". I dunno- others might say don't do that, but then again...I get crazy when this kind of stuff has happened to me with my ex. GL!

right1thistime · March 2011

You are asking this because your little voice inside is SCREAMING at you that this is a situation that belies your previous impression that he was an appropriate man to marry. Please listen to your little voice, it knows of which it speaks.

He has violated your trust on a couple of levels. He has continued an emotional interaction (I am refraining from calling it an emotional affair, but it comes close) despite your respectful request that he cease.
He has conspired with someone against you, as if you were the enemy, and they are "in this together".
He has purposefully sought to hide his actions by lying to you to about his change of heart to hide his deceptive acts.

If I were you, I would terminate this relationship. He has shown you his true colors. You deserve to be happy, and to be respected. The man who will be your husband should not precede that union by attaching himself to another woman (whether she is available or not is not a good argument, since he is also not "available") and acting to deceive you. I know it hurts, I have carried that burden.

Believe me when I tell you that the difference you will feel once you are loved by someone who treasures you and you alone will feel miraculous. Having to fall asleep every day wondering whether the information you were given is true or false is way to heavy a load to carry very long. Trust is an irreplaceable part of a wonderful relationship.

If it seems too much to end the relationship, put the wedding on ice and take yourself to counseling to discover how you can value yourself enough to not let someone treat you like this. I know you may lose money on the wedding, but the cost of the wedding followed by a divorce and division of assets is going to be more. ~Donna

rapunnzzll · March 2011

Sorry you have to go through this. If you are beating yourself up in anyway because you checked his phone, don't. Something was telling you there was something off and you listened to it. It sounds like he told you what he thought you wanted to hear the first round, and then went behind your back. What he did was intentional and done so that he could continue without you knowing.

I agree with Angie, talk to him, lay everything out. I've heard a saying before, if you are uncomfortable doing or saying something in front of your spouse(fi), then you are probably crossing the line. If it isn't a friendship you can be a part of, then there shouldn't be a friendship.

As far as getting his trust back, that is only something you can decide how to do, OR if you should. Please let us know how you are doing.

tropical.dreams · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_need-advice-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f22aee8-270d-4244-860d-f40b6513c842Post:9349a91a-bad8-4c37-8668-9378594d8dcd">Re: HELP! Need Advice (Long, sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE] If I were you, I would terminate this relationship. He has shown you his true colors. Trust is an irreplaceable part of a wonderful relationship. Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

This, exactly. He purposely decieved you when he told her to move it to email. This is a man that you will <u>never</u> be able to trust again.

I'm sorry. But as Donna said, it's better to cancel now and lose some money than have to go through a divorce that costs twice as much financially and emotionally.

cincychick35 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_need-advice-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f22aee8-270d-4244-860d-f40b6513c842Post:9349a91a-bad8-4c37-8668-9378594d8dcd">Re: HELP! Need Advice (Long, sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE] He has violated your trust on a couple of levels. He has continued an emotional interaction (I am refraining from calling it an emotional affair, but it comes close) despite your respectful request that he cease. He has conspired with someone against you, as if you were the enemy, and they are "in this together". He has purposefully sought to hide his actions by lying to you to about his change of heart to hide his deceptive acts. Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

These were my exact thoughts! Thanks ladies, I appreciate the opinions and the support.
The more I think about it, the more I KNOW I have to leave. Once a liar, always a liar...this will probably not change.
I have a call into my Loan Officer, I think it is time for me to take advantage of these great home prices and start over.
Thanks again!

shytownkelly · March 2011

UGH. Sending Hugs, T&P to you - this is a tough one!

I wish I had something extra to add - but everyone said what I would have said - so just stay strong and believe in yourself!

And of course - you can always come back here for more support!

awayagain · March 2011

How awful for you! This happened to not one, but TWO, friends of mine. Only they were both already married to their guys. Now they're divorced. Thank goodness you found out ahead of time. I feel so bad for you......

Sue-n-Kevin · March 2011

Years ago, before social networks, this didn't happen as frequently as it does now. I actually got a call from my HS ex-boyfriend who lived in a different state, when I was PREGNANT with my now 17 y/o daughter, LOL. Needless to say, the phone call caught us up on our parents, but did not go beyond that, nor would it.

It sounds as though you have made up your mind. Good luck and best wishes for a secure and complete separation from him.

right1thistime · March 2011

Bravo for you! You are proving what a brave and strong woman you are. Hang in there, there's bigger, better, HONEST fish in the sea. ~Donna

MikesAngie · March 2011

Cincy - Positive thoughts heading your way!! Keep us posted on how you are doing!!

Marrin713 · March 2011

Wow! Yes, just the mere fact that he has to hide any part of this is a huge red flag!

Good luck to you as you move on with your life and check back in! I'm sorry this has happened.

jcal4 · March 2011

I speak from experience. Do not trust him. Do not believe him. Call off the wedding before you make the biggest mistake of your life. If he lies now, it will only get worse when you are married. My ex used to text a "friend". I found the phone bills & confronted him. Now he is the ex & lives with the "friend". I have moved on also. I like to think I got an upgrade this time.

Good luck!

2dBride · March 2011

At one point, a girlfriend of mine got jealous about my seeing a guy who was an ex-lover of mine. I basically said that there was no longer anything between us, and that I had a right to have my own friends. However, I also asked her what it would take for her to be comfortable with the friendship. Would she like to know ahead of time when and where I would be seeing him? Would she like to go with me every time I saw him? I was basically willing to do whatever it took to reassure her that there was no longer anything between us. After a time, her jealousy abated, because she could see that I was being completely honest with her.

Your FI is doing the opposite. He's lying about the fact that he will continue to maintain contact. And when he sees you are uncomfortable with the relationship, he is being less, not more, open and honest about it. I am always reluctant to give advice about someone else's situation, because you know your own situation better than I do. However, I have to say that this is setting off all sorts of alarms in my head.

Lisa50 · March 2011

This is an awful, awful situation and I feel so bad for you. ((((HUGS)))) Do you have a friend nearby who can give you the support you need?

Clearly, you have done all you can and now is the time for action. Kudos to you for calling the real estate agent. While your FI (soon to be EX!) is moving his stupid-ass relationship to email, you can move yourself out and onward to a life without him. I know its easier said than done, but cut those ties now. And, as PP said, don't believe his future lies when he tries to weasel his way back (and he will).

Since we're sharing war stories, I will share this. I endured duplicity and affairs -- bold-faced lies -- from an ex. We'd been dating for more than three years and, when things began feeling "ich", I asked him, point blank, if he was seeing someone else. He said no. Months later, it turns out he'd been cheating for quite a while and the new woman was pregnant and she was going to move in with him. Ugh! Good riddance. And, even though he was a dog (what's worse than a dog?), it still took me more than a year to feel better.

What you need to do is not easy. It will be good for you but might not feel that way for quite a while. Hang in there!! I'm sending good vibes your way.

Marrin713 · March 2011

<<<what's worse than a dog?>>>

Aw your words wound me Lisa...........there's many things worse than a dog. Poor pooches. Dogs rock!

Any what's worse? How about whale sh*t and that's at the bottom of the ocean.

Knottie1446053082 · March 2011

If I were you, I would terminate this relationship. He has shown you his true colors. Trust is an irreplaceable part of a wonderful relationship. Posted by right1thistime

I am so sorry this happened to you it is hard when trust is broken. But I agree with the prevous posted ... If you try to fix it, it will alway be in the back of your mind.

I am sorry you are having to go through it.

thealphabride · March 2011

I'm sorry you are goin through this. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Glad you realize this before the marriage. go here: www.theregoesthebride.com
Great people over there, they can help you get through.

cincychick35 · March 2011

Well he and I had a LONG talk Friday. There was no yelling or screaming, just talking. He apologized and did admit it was disrespectful to me. He also brought me up to speed of some of the history between him and this woman (too personal to post here) and said he was just curious to see how some of those things worked out.
In my presence, he sent her a text saying that it was nice to catch up with her, but it wasn't appropriate to continue communicating. She said she understood.

I am not saying everything is peachy fine, but I will give him some time to see how it goes (knowing that I am approved for a mortgage and can reconsider leaving at any time.

I do want to thank you ladies for all your advice and support. It is very much appreciated!

marcylth · March 2011

I hope with all my heart you will truly hear what I, and many of the women on this board are saying to you. Postpone the wedding. Do not marry a man you do not trust! And do not hesitate on your feelings. There will be much less fallout from cancelling a wedding than there would be for a divorce later on.

I dealt with my ex-husband's "emotional affairs" and constant online contact with old girlfriends all the way through our dating relationship. But I married him anyway, God knows why. I believed he could change. He couldn't. I believed once we were married, it would be different. It wasn't. He cheated again and again and again until finally it led to a physical affair with one of my best friends that lasted over a year. Then I left.

You don't need this. You deserve better. You are better than this!

HELP! Need Advice (Long, sorry)

Re: HELP! Need Advice (Long, sorry)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards