Very Upset- kind of long

mandac033 · January 2010

So FI is very close with his grandmother. She wants to throw us a jack and jill shower. That's fine with me except that my bridesmaids are going to have a bridal shower also. So when FI grandmother asked for addresses I only sent her addresses for my aunt/uncles/cousins. I am not giving her addresses for our friends etc, because they will be invited to my bridal shower and I think that asking people to attend two showers is not right. When I gave her the addresses today she FLIPPED out! She started telling me that this wedding isn't all about me and that FI should be included. I agree that FI should be included but I am not insulting people and inviting them to two showers and asking for money and gifts! Am I being wrong??? I am so upset!! What should I do??

october010bride · January 2010

First off, I'm sorry you're so upset. Family stuff can be very very complicated and often things can get lost in translation.

Did you try and explain to her that your bm's were already throwing you a shower for your friends? How did she react to that?

Since your fi is so close to her I think you should have him try and talk to her. Hopefully he can explain everything to her (like it not all being about you, etc) and she can see your side.

hth

SocialWorker2B · February 2010

Wow, that sucks. First off - I am sorry.

I don't understand why she is so upset, though. Did she think that you not giving her FI's family's addresses meant that you didn't want them invited? If it was me, I would have assumed that she would have had their information already and didn't need it. If you had already agreed to a jack-n-jill shower, then she should have known that you were okay with it. Silly grandmother.

I would ditto the pp and ask your FI to talk to her. If he is so close with her, he may be able to explain it better than you could. Just have him simply say "Amanda's BMs are throwing a "friends" shower and she doesn't want them to feel pressured to buy two gifts. However we love the idea of a jack-n-jill shower and we are so grateful you are throwing it. Is it okay if we make it family only? Thanks g'ma, you're the best!"

If that really doesn't work, it's not worth causing a rift, so what I would do is give her your friend's addresses but verbally tell them that a second gift isn't required and just explain the situation. I am sure they will understand.

GL and HTH!

nantucketirish · February 2010

can you pull the age card and tell her you appreciate what she is doing but times have changed and in your circle of friends, you only want one gift from those friends and will gladly have a family jack and jill shower

Libs20_6172365 · February 2010

jeez, grandma needs to chill out. i am sorry she flipped out on you. i agree with the other girls and have your FI talk to her and explain the situation. she definitely was rude to say that 'it's not all about you'. the last thing you need to have is more stress before your wedding.

on a personal note, it is kind of funny how generations differ. I am getting married in October and talked to my grandmother about wedding stuff and she flipped out on me (she's 89) and said that Emily Post says invitations should only be sent out a month before the wedding when I told her that I read that invitations are sent 6-8 weeks prior. And she had a heartache almost when I told her that my FI and I will both write thank you notes-she again referred back to Emily Post (are we in the 1950s??) and said that only the bride can write thank you's and if I'm not going to do it right, then don't do it at all. I just laughed and agreed-knowing that I'm going to still do what I want and just send her the invitation 4 weeks prior;)

MelissaWhall · February 2010

WOW weddings bring out the best and worst in people. I would just try to explain it to her and if she still is flipping, just go ahead and give her the addresses. Then tell your friends, they will understand and support you. Good Luck

jkepros · February 2010

I agree that you should have your FI ask what made her so upset. Was it because you have 2 showers? Because the guy friends aren't included in a shower? Because FI is only included in 1 shower?

Maybe once it's explained to her she will cool off. It's hard for older people to go against what they know. Actually, it's pretty surprising that she wants a Jack & Jill as opposed to a regular shower, although that's probably because it's her grandSON and she wants to be involved more that the groom's grandmother probably traditionally is.

Don't fret! I am sure it will all work out. No one wants you or your FI to be upset.

It's hard when dealing with the older generations. The other day my FI's grandmother said she had to "talk to me" about something. FI's mom is throwing me a shower. When FI's grandmother took a look at the guest list for the shower and she was upset because for one set of FI's cousins (and these are his like, 2nd cousins or something) we invited one of the sisters, but not the other sister or their brother. She said we couldn't invite one sister and not the other and that I needed to invite the other one. Now, I have never met this person in my life, and she is quite a bit older than FI. He says he's spoken to her like twice in his life. The other girl cousin was closer in age to him and they grew up playing all the time & going to the beach, etc, when they were kids.

FI tried explaining that (1) we already sent out save the dates; (2) it'd cost us like an extra $1,000 to invite them to the wedding; (3) if we invite her & her husband, we'd have to add on their brother & his wife/date too (another $1,000); (4) that he's not even close to her; and (5) that she probably would be glad to not have to go to the shower & wedding and pay for gifts and get a sitter for her 4 kids for some relative she never sees and was never close to.

His grandmother said, "but she's a very generous gift giver." HAHAHA....FI just about died. He had to say something like, "we're not getting married for the gifts."

Now, I don't know how that will play out, but I can guarantee that they (the 2nd sister/brother) won't be invited.

The funniest part to me is that she said it to ME. I wasn't the one who picked who was invited and who wasn't from FI's side; he did!

mandac033 · February 2010

Thanks girls!! You all have great advice! The generation gap is so true!! Things were very different when she got married over 50 years ago! I really do appreciate it and I know that she wants FI to have some sort of party also, but he really doesn't care and I just can't justify having people spend all sorts of money. Today FI came home and said that she decided not to have the jack and jill at all. I don't want her to feel excluded but she needs to see my side of the story too. I need to go talk to her and work things out. Thanks again!!!

Very Upset- kind of long

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