Paying for the reception....trying to make it fair...need advice!

Carebear62584 · March 2012

FI's mom's side: about 55
FI's dad's side: about 30
My side: about 120
Friends: about 8

So this is the rough break down of our wedding guests. We have 244 on our list so I'm obviously missing people and they are most likely on my side. Anyways, FI's mom and stepdad agreed to split the reception with my parents. Originally we were planning on 200 guests and it's obviously gone beyond. FI's mom and stepdad will pay for 100 guests and my parents were going to pay for the rest since they are on my side. FI's dad is giving us $1500 which will cover about 15 people from his side (his parents do not get along). FI wants to pay for the remainder of his dad's family out of his pocket because he doesn't feel his mom should be paying for them. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this because I agree that his mom should not have to pay, but I also don't think FI and I should be paying for part of his dad's family but not his mom's. Does this make sense? My poor FI wants to avoid any sort of controversy between his parents which is why he wants to do this, but I'm not sure this is the right thing.

We are so grateful for everyone helping us out, but I'm not quite sure how to make this fair. Any suggestions?

LOTON01 · March 2012

I would say talk to his dad. Is that all he can afford?

lindseyann410 · March 2012

It is nice of your FI's dad to give you $1,500 towards the reception. If that's all he can afford, that's all he can do. I'm assuming you and your fiance are the ones who made the final decision on the venue and caterer? If so, then you are the ones who decided how much it will cost per person. It's on you and your fiance to cover the rest, because ultimately, they are your guests, and it's your wedding.

Ultimately, it's you and your FI's responsibility to pay for your party. If your family wants to help, that's awesome, but you can't tell them how much to give you. It's rude to tell someone they aren't giving you enough money, or to tell someone else to pay.

If you and your FI can't cover the costs, then you may want to look at changing the venue, caterer, or menu into one that is more affordable for you.

Good luck.

HarperBargo · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_paying-for-the-receptiontrying-to-make-it-fairneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:235ee65f-1b9e-42d6-97bb-ffbce9a0d6f3Post:3cd0e97d-29d2-468e-89d2-5d036aec752b">Re: Paying for the reception....trying to make it fair...need advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]It is nice of your FI's dad to give you $1,500 towards the reception. If that's all he can afford, that's all he can do. I'm assuming you and your fiance are the ones who made the final decision on the venue and caterer? If so, then you are the ones who decided how much it will cost per person. It's on you and your fiance to cover the rest, because ultimately, they are your guests, and it's your wedding. Ultimately, it's you and your FI's responsibility to pay for your party. If your family wants to help, that's awesome, but you can't tell them how much to give you. It's rude to tell someone they aren't giving you enough money, or to tell someone else to pay. If you and your FI can't cover the costs, then you may want to look at changing the venue, caterer, or menu into one that is more affordable for you. Good luck.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Agree. It is great that they want to help you out with paying. But you can't be greedy and ask for more.

</div>

sweetcanadian1979 · March 2012

what does his mom think?

daria24 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_paying-for-the-receptiontrying-to-make-it-fairneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:235ee65f-1b9e-42d6-97bb-ffbce9a0d6f3Post:3cd0e97d-29d2-468e-89d2-5d036aec752b">Re: Paying for the reception....trying to make it fair...need advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]It is nice of your FI's dad to give you $1,500 towards the reception. If that's all he can afford, that's all he can do. I'm assuming you and your fiance are the ones who made the final decision on the venue and caterer? If so, then you are the ones who decided how much it will cost per person. It's on you and your fiance to cover the rest, because ultimately, they are your guests, and it's your wedding. Ultimately, it's you and your FI's responsibility to pay for your party. If your family wants to help, that's awesome, but you can't tell them how much to give you. It's rude to tell someone they aren't giving you enough money, or to tell someone else to pay. If you and your FI can't cover the costs, then you may want to look at changing the venue, caterer, or menu into one that is more affordable for you. Good luck.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree as well. I think if that's what he's willing to pitch in, it's up to you and your FI to cover the difference. Leave his mom out of it. If you guys can't afford to pay for all your guests, it's time to downsize the guest list, or cut catering costs, etc.

</div>

Megbo2012 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_paying-for-the-receptiontrying-to-make-it-fairneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:235ee65f-1b9e-42d6-97bb-ffbce9a0d6f3Post:3cd0e97d-29d2-468e-89d2-5d036aec752b">Re: Paying for the reception....trying to make it fair...need advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]It is nice of your FI's dad to give you $1,500 towards the reception. If that's all he can afford, that's all he can do. I'm assuming you and your fiance are the ones who made the final decision on the venue and caterer? If so, then you are the ones who decided how much it will cost per person. It's on you and your fiance to cover the rest, because ultimately, they are your guests, and it's your wedding. Ultimately, it's you and your FI's responsibility to pay for your party. If your family wants to help, that's awesome, but you can't tell them how much to give you. It's rude to tell someone they aren't giving you enough money, or to tell someone else to pay. If you and your FI can't cover the costs, then you may want to look at changing the venue, caterer, or menu into one that is more affordable for you. Good luck.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree, don't look it as you paying for more of FI's dad's side more than his mom's. His mom was just (generously) able/willing to contribute more. No one is obligated to pay but you and FI. Let it go, or cut some more corners.</div>

doeie04 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_paying-for-the-receptiontrying-to-make-it-fairneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:235ee65f-1b9e-42d6-97bb-ffbce9a0d6f3Post:3cd0e97d-29d2-468e-89d2-5d036aec752b">Re: Paying for the reception....trying to make it fair...need advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]It is nice of your FI's dad to give you $1,500 towards the reception. If that's all he can afford, that's all he can do. I'm assuming you and your fiance are the ones who made the final decision on the venue and caterer? If so, then you are the ones who decided how much it will cost per person. It's on you and your fiance to cover the rest, because ultimately, they are your guests, and it's your wedding. Ultimately, it's you and your FI's responsibility to pay for your party. If your family wants to help, that's awesome, but you can't tell them how much to give you. It's rude to tell someone they aren't giving you enough money, or to tell someone else to pay. If you and your FI can't cover the costs, then you may want to look at changing the venue, caterer, or menu into one that is more affordable for you. Good luck.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

If FI's mom said that they would pay for half (when it was 100 guests) then they should be fine with paying for the 100 guests that the offered to in the beginning. I wouldn't look at it as her side and your side and his side and his dad's side. I would look at it as YOUR wedding, not everyones sides.

I do think it is fair that your parents are paying more since the guest list has gotten bigger than discussed and it is your side.

If your FI wants to pay the additional 15 guests, then let him. That is between you two. :)

Carebear62584 · March 2012

So I just talked to my mom about this and I think I made it seem like it was about the money here. It's not about the money at all.....it's about his parents not getting along. Basically his mom and stepdad supported him and his dad was only his dad when it was convenient. When his mom made a comment about paying for his guests too it wasn't out of anger or anything, it was to make a comment that if his dad needs to step up when it's appropriate and not to just take credit for being his biological father.

When I told my mom, she said FI is absolutely not paying the extra money because the money isn't the issue. They don't want us paying for the reception and therefore it will be covered no matter what. That was the agreement that was made when we assumed his dad wasn't giving anything. She also mentioned that his mom would be very offended if FI tried to give her the money for it out of his pocket because it's the principle of his dad stepping up.

This is all getting so petty now with his dad. His dad got upset because his stepdad wrote on his facebook wall (from his mom's name) saying "Hi this is your dad....."-- FYI he calls him by his name, not dad. Talk about taking facebook too seriously. FI's stepdad also tried to arrange a golf/casino outing with everyone since FI doesn't want a stag or typical bachelor party (he doesn't drink). He stepped up because FI doesn't have a best man and nobody was trying to arrange this. His dad declined the invite and decided to do something separately for his side of the family. I don't think he's understanding that this is for FI, not about the dad/stepdad relationship.

doeie04 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_paying-for-the-receptiontrying-to-make-it-fairneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:235ee65f-1b9e-42d6-97bb-ffbce9a0d6f3Post:ebdc1e48-1183-472c-9981-fccf3b72b550">Re: Paying for the reception....trying to make it fair...need advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]So I just talked to my mom about this and I think I made it seem like it was about the money here. It's not about the money at all.....it's about his parents not getting along. Basically his mom and stepdad supported him and his dad was only his dad when it was convenient. When his mom made a comment about paying for his guests too it wasn't out of anger or anything, it was to make a comment that if his dad needs to step up when it's appropriate and not to just take credit for being his biological father. When I told my mom, she said FI is absolutely not paying the extra money because the money isn't the issue. They don't want us paying for the reception and therefore it will be covered no matter what. That was the agreement that was made when we assumed his dad wasn't giving anything. She also mentioned that his mom would be very offended if FI tried to give her the money for it out of his pocket because it's the principle of his dad stepping up. This is all getting so petty now with his dad. His dad got upset because his stepdad wrote on his facebook wall (from his mom's name) saying "Hi this is your dad....."-- FYI he calls him by his name, not dad. Talk about taking facebook too seriously. FI's stepdad also tried to arrange a golf/casino outing with everyone since FI doesn't want a stag or typical bachelor party (he doesn't drink). He stepped up because FI doesn't have a best man and nobody was trying to arrange this. His dad declined the invite and decided to do something separately for his side of the family. I don't think he's understanding that this is for FI, not about the dad/stepdad relationship.
Posted by Carebear62584[/QUOTE]

Sorry you are going through this. I hate it when parents put their kids, or anyone for that matter, in the middle.

sweetcanadian1979 · March 2012

It sucks that his dad is not stepping up but i am assuming his mom said she would help cover that many guests period. It shouldn't matter whose side it is, they are all fiance's family. From what i read when she said how much they would pay at first, there were no strings. There shouldn't be any now.

If his "father" has never stepped up why would anyone expect any different now. His mom & step dad raised him so they shouldn't expect him to pay for it tbh. As for his family ya they may be related to him but they are still related to your fiance & should not be "punished" because his dad is an ass.

Paying for the reception....trying to make it fair...need advice!

Re: Paying for the reception....trying to make it fair...need advice!

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