Can I look like I have it all together?

MuckeyMuck · February 2013

I wrote this post on the nest but i think i'm going to write it here and see what I get.

So i'm getting married in August. I want to be a great wife but I don't want to spoil my future husband by doing everything for him around the house. Suggestions? Also, I want to be a married woman who looks like she has it all together so any suggestions/advice on that? Thanks in advance!

cwaggoner07 · February 2013

First off, this is a weird question.

Secondly, you are not getting married to serve him, nor him for you. You work together as a team. If you feel like you are pulling more than your fair share of the weight (IE spoiling him), then have an open conversation about it. Some women like doing a lot more for their husbands than others. Not one way is right over another, it's just constant communication making sure you're being respectful of each other.

Also, the only way I guess to 'look' like you have it all together is just to um, be a responsible adult and try to make good decisions. My mom always told me 'You can either look rich, or be rich, but you can't be both.'

Probably the same goes for this. I feel like I have everything 'together' but I don't really care what other people think, as long as I am treating people kind and being responsible.

QueerFemme · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_can-i-look-like-i-have-it-all-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:9116398a-e5c6-474d-8cbf-b14ebe3ed5caPost:55bff7e4-0375-44ba-9d14-8f96f788599c">Can I look like I have it all together?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wrote this post on the nest but i think i'm going to write it here and see what I get. So i'm getting married in August. I want to be a great wife but I don't want to spoil my future husband by doing everything for him around the house. Suggestions? Also, I want to be a married woman who looks like she has it all together so any suggestions/advice on that? Thanks in advance!
Posted by Tigersbballgal[/QUOTE]

I don't even know what your question really means? A great wife doesn't = housework. I haven't done my own laundry in 3 years. My partner does it. Does that mean I'm not a great wife?

cwaggoner07 · February 2013

OP, How old are you?

MuckeyMuck · February 2013

Sorry didn't mean to offend anyone. I guess I didn't think before I wrote this.

QueerFemme · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_can-i-look-like-i-have-it-all-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:9116398a-e5c6-474d-8cbf-b14ebe3ed5caPost:38148c12-f533-4008-a15a-2e6759fe6870">Re: Can I look like I have it all together?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry didn't mean to offend anyone. I guess I didn't think before I wrote this.
Posted by Tigersbballgal[/QUOTE]

I'm not offended, I just don't even know what you are trying to ask. And I second what Cwag asked. How old are you?

MuckeyMuck · February 2013

i'm 27.

I guess the reason I asked is cause I was just wondering what other women did. When my boyfriend had his own apartment I did the dishes a lot and I did his laundry because he didn't have a washer and dryer at his apartment and I cooked all the time because he wouldn't get home till a little later. And he's asked me to make his lunch for him sometimes and i joke and say i won't do that till we get married. I just know how my mom and dad are and my mom does everything around the house because my dad works hard during the day and then comes home and sits in his chair for the rest of the night. I don't want to have a relationship like my parents. I want my future husband to put in effort around the house and not just let me do everything. We haven't sat down and talked about this yet but I have made a few comments here or there. Sorry I guess that initial question just came off wrong and bad.

mcda04 · February 2013

I'm confused. Are you looking for advice on a happy marriage? First, you need a good husband to be a good wife. You don't have to do all the housework while your H sits around and barks orders at you.

In my culture, (traditionally speaking) the wife, had to take care of the kids and Husband, cook, & clean, all by herself because a husband is too much of a "Man" to help mop and scrub toilets. This is what is called a "Macho" (ugh, the word makes me gag). Sadly, my SIL lives this lifestyle because it's what she was taught but to me, it's not right.

In my home, we "share" all tasks. When I cook, he cleans the kitchen, I dust, he vaccuum's, etc. etc. It's teamwork. My way of spoiling is cooking a nice dinner once a week.

MuckeyMuck · February 2013

I don't think that you have to do all the housework to be a good wife. I guess I just didn't put my thoughts down correctly.

Sierra524 · February 2013

Not to try to be funny, but I would seriously laugh at my FI if he expected me to do all the housework. As a matter of fact, since its his day off today, he has been at home cleaning all morning. All I have to do when I get home is do some laundry for him (we just got a new washer & dryer & he hasnt figured out how to use it yet). Being a wife isnt about being a maid, and a marriage isnt about expecting things like this from the other person. You have to work as a team to get things done.
As far as looking like you have it all together, thats just not possible. Nobody has it all together. As long as you have each other & your happy, that should be enough. I have a vinyl quote on my wall that says "we may not have it all together, but together we have it all." I really do try to live by that. Dont kid yourself and try to make it seem like you have it all together when in reality, you really dont. Your going to stress yourself out trying to make it look like everything is dandy. I also think that if you want to "look like you have it all together" for appearences, thats stupid. Who cares what people think. All Im saying is, its realistic to think that you have it all together. Its just not. Do the best you can do at whatever it is and that should be enough.

Karmasmom · February 2013

If you have good communication between the two of you and a good partnership, this won't be a worry because you'll be respectful of each other. My H likes to be outside so he does most of the yard work and I take care of laundry (since most of it is mine).

He's not great at cooking so I cook and he does the dishes. We both work full time so we try to split chores. If I worked fewer hours, I'd probably do more and vice versa. If you see what you think is an inequality in the responsibilities, speak up. You should be able to talk to your H about anything. If you can't, you're going to have an issue. This is a team effort.

As for looking like you have it all together, don't worry about it. The goal is to be a good team and be happy. If you are, you'll totally look like you have it together. Good luck.

SJM7538 · February 2013

I'm not a wife for 8 more months so i cant really say how to be a good wife but you just sound like you want to be happy. It's about balance. My fianc and I have lived together for quite awhile. He cooks and takes care of all the outside/maintenance stuff and I take care of the housework. If I'm overwhelmed with it I ask him for help and he pitches in. We have great communication. This all works for us. And we always make time for eachother. So I know I will be a good wife for him. As for being put together ... Make good choices. Eat right, exercise and ask for when you're bogged down. I'm not really sure if this answers your question but this is what my take on it is.

SJM7538 · February 2013

I'm not a wife for 8 more months so i cant really say how to be a good wife but you just sound like you want to be happy. It's about balance. My fianc and I have lived together for quite awhile. He cooks and takes care of all the outside/maintenance stuff and I take care of the housework. If I'm overwhelmed with it I ask him for help and he pitches in. We have great communication. This all works for us. And we always make time for eachother. So I know I will be a good wife for him. As for being put together ... Make good choices. Eat right, exercise and ask for help when youre bogged down. I'm not really sure if this answers your question but this is what my take on it is.

QueerFemme · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_can-i-look-like-i-have-it-all-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:9116398a-e5c6-474d-8cbf-b14ebe3ed5caPost:141eada3-06e3-4e76-bd73-7e7100431a24">Re: Can I look like I have it all together?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think that you have to do all the housework to be a good wife. I guess I just didn't put my thoughts down correctly.
Posted by Tigersbballgal[/QUOTE]

We share everything. My partner cooks, I clean the kitchen. I clean the bathroom, my partner picks up the dog poop. Etc. etc. These are discussions you should be having before you move in together, in my opinion.

Karmasmom · February 2013

I agree with cmgilpin. Instead of dropping hints about responsibilities, have a real discussion about them before you get married.

MuckeyMuck · February 2013

I do feel like i'll be a good wife... guess i'm just a little nervous but i feel like anyone should be. it's a big deal! lol thanks ladies for your thoughts. Once again sorry if it came off wrong at first.

JaxInBlue · February 2013

I think you and your FI need to have an honest conversation about how you will share chores. In our relationship, I do 95% of the cooking. DH handles omelets, occassionally sandwiches, and pays for take out (love that!). We share kitchen clean up. DH handles all of the lawn care, the trash and the recycling. We divide up the bills, car maintenance, pet care, dusting, vaccuuming, and work on big projects. I sort laundry and do all of the washing, DH spearheads folding. I grocery shop, primarly because I can go at an off time; DH can't. Some of this happened naturally, but a lot of it came from conversations about what we both feel comfortable doing and have the time to do. We strive for fair - but fair doesn't necessarily mean equal.

We spoil each other by doing little things for each other. For us, that somtimes means understanding that a long day means a less elaborate dinner, or that the towels go unfolded in the dryer because he doesn't want to stand up and make the cat sleeping in his lap move. It's not caring that DH wants to find a old model TV for retro video games or that I bought new heels because closed toe and peep toe pumps are not the same thing. It works for us, but again, it's also something we talk about.

Maggie0829 · February 2013

OP, you shouldn't really use your parents relationship as a means to defining your own relationship. Form your one post it seems that your Mom is a SAHW while your Dad works full time. This is how my parents were (my Dad is retired now). My Mom said that my Dad's job was to be a police officer and hers was to take care of the house. My Mom didn't feel that it was right for my Dad to work all day and then have to come home and do household chores when she didn't have a "normal" job.

Now for H and I, I don't mind doing most of the housework because 1) I know it will get done if I do it and 2) H is not the best at cleaning LOL! But that does not mean that H sits around with his finger up his butt. We both work full time jobs so when we get home we split tasks up.

You and your H need to decide what works best for the both of you. Everyone's relationship and marriage is different. You both just need to be open and be able to communicate.

Peledreamsofrain · February 2013

If you're looking for information on what other people do, I can share what works for us: My husband and I generally split chores by who hates what the most. I HATE vacuumming, but he doesn't mind it, so he vaccuums. He HATES dishes, and I dont mind them, so thats my chore. We both hate cleaning the bathroom, so we switch off there. No matter what, it's good for both people in the marriage to be at least competant at cleaning and chores on their own. I personally have an injured back right now, and my husband has to take over for a while so I can heal.

lyndausvi · February 2013

In our home it's like this:

Laundry: I mostly do the laundry. Although he knows how, I hate how he does it. DH is one that throws towels, white and colors in the washer at the same time. Drives me crazy. Folding?   Yeah, he doesn't really do that very well either. Nor does he care.   So I just do it myself.   I also work from home, so it's easier for me. Seems silly not to do laundry when I'm right here just so I don't spoil him.

Cooking/dishes: He does most of the cooking.    He is horrible about washing dishes. When he actually does them he thinks he should get a gold star or something.  He would be completely happy using disposable every day I allowed him.    But since he does cook most of the time, it's fair I clean up.

Cleaning:  I do the organization and straightening. DH LOVES to use dusters/mops/brooms and vacuums.   He doesn't do it as often as I would like, he definitely does all that stuff.   I'm the one who cleans the bathroom.

Garage:   DH's job.

We live in a condo so no outside work. But I'm the handy man of the couple. I put up shelves, fix things, etc.  That is not one of his strengths.

Basically we both have strengths and weaknesses and work spilt things up based on those.   We spoil each other by picking up the other's 'slack' when life or work gets in the way.

Sierra524 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_can-i-look-like-i-have-it-all-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:9116398a-e5c6-474d-8cbf-b14ebe3ed5caPost:fd345fab-ebc8-4399-be39-4ae070e51258">Re: Can I look like I have it all together?</a>:
[QUOTE]In our home it's like this: Laundry: I mostly do the laundry. Although he knows how, I hate how he does it. DH is one that throws towels, white and colors in the washer at the same time. Drives me crazy. Folding? Yeah, he doesn't really do that very well either. Nor does he care. So I just do it myself. I also work from home, so it's easier for me. Seems silly not to do laundry when I'm right here just so I don't spoil him. Cooking/dishes: He does most of the cooking. He is horrible about washing dishes. When he actually does them he thinks he should get a gold star or something. He would be completely happy using disposable every day I allowed him. But since he does cook most of the time, it's fair I clean up. Cleaning: I do the organization and straightening. DH LOVES to use dusters/mops/brooms and vacuums. He doesn't do it as often as I would like, he definitely does all that stuff. I'm the one who cleans the bathroom. Garage: DH's job. We live in a condo so no outside work. <strong>But I'm the handy man of the couple. I put up shelves, fix things, etc. That is not one of his strengths.</strong> Basically we both have strengths and weaknesses and work spilt things up based on those. We spoil each other by picking up the other's 'slack' when life or work gets in the way.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

We are the same way. FI is awful with any sort of tools or anything, so I hang up almost everything & put together stuff also. I am the one that hooked up the washer & dryer, and even hooked up the indoor dryer vent. He just stood there. I always say, if you want something done right, better do it yourself.

libby2483 · February 2013

I think that this is an honest conversation that you need to have with your FI before you get married and move in together. In our household, I do these jobs: bills/finances, dusting, mopping and cleaning the kitchen, and laundry. My H does: vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, and yard work. Our rule is that whoever doesn't cook dinner cleans up afterwards. I would say he cooks about 3/4 of the time. We have based this on what our strengths and preferences are.

bunni727 · February 2013

The crock pot is your friend in looking like you have it all together. You can have dinner on the table withought more than an ounce of effort

My H does the dishes, takes out the trash, and washes the car. Sometimes he does laundry.

We kind of share cooking, but I do all of the meal planning. I do everything else.

We both have full-time jobs, so for us it isn't a matter of fairness, but time. He teaches, so he gets home around 3:30, but I'm just taking my "lunch" at 4. The dishes wouldn't get done until the next day if I had to do them, and we would eat fast food every night if he had to plan dinners. He is so tired after work that he just wants to relax, but I have time to get a lot done before I go in. We have a good balance for us, you just have to discuss together what will work for you.

bridalmarch · February 2013

I completely agree that this is a conversation you should have before you marry.

We used to share all household chores because we both worked full time. I quit my full time job last August and now I work 10 hours a week (2 five hour shifts) and stay home with our one and a half year old daughter for the rest of the week. We had a little bit of a rocky start there because FI expected me to then to EVERYTHING around the house. That was not something I was down for. Because I'm home, I do the majority of the cleaning, laundry, taking DD to playdates, music class, and doctors appointments. My primary job is my daughter, not the household. Some days FI gets home and the house looks like a tornado has come through, other days it looks quite nice.

FI still has chores though. We're a team even if I'm at home. He does most of the cooking, he walks the dog and cleans the cat box, and he has one bathroom to clean on weekends. He pitches in with laundry on weekends, too.

It's all about balance, but you need to start with a conversation.

Summer2011Bride · February 2013

Others have given great advice. I also strongly urge you guys to sit down and have a discussion about this before getting married/moving in together. When H and I moved in together while we were still dating, many fights stemmed from housework. We both grew up in different households and with different ideas of cleanliness. We had to meet in the middle on some things.

We also split up chores based on our preferences. H absolutely loves to cook, so he is in charge of the food in the house. I don't mind vacuuming, swiffering, and dusting so I do that. We both do laundry-whoever is around when it needs done. H does the mowing, cleans the bathrooms and snow removal in the winter. He also takes out the trash. In the summer, we evenly split the yardwork because we both enjoy doing it together.

It's all about compromise and one person should not become the other's servant. You should get on the same page about this so there isn't resentment or arguments stemming from it down the line.

crystaldbl · February 2013

When FI and I first moved in together I did everything. All the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills. It got really old really quick. After many arguments and me going on strike he realized just how hard keeping a house up is. We now share the work. I still do all the laundry. He does trash and lawn work. Whoever doesn't cook cleans up dinner. He does the basement bathroom. I do the upstairs bathroom. My suggestion to you is to not try to be perfect. It is unrealistic. No one is perfect. Work together and things will be fine.

beautifulmama28 · February 2013

We meet in the middle...on everything.

I was married...once...for 18 years LOL

I know whats it like to wait on a guy hand and foot,

I've also done this for my kids.

Own your portion, accept help when you need it (this one is hard for me lol)

Share responsibility.

I work outside of the home, plus take care of the home, but he has stuff he does that is HIS stuff and if he can't do his stuff I help and vice versa.

It changes day to day...week to week....

and it WILL change big time once you bring kids into the picture if you don't already have some from a previous relationship.

I deffinitely look like I have it all together...but I definitely don't always have it all together.

No one does, and if it appears like they do, its just that you can't see where they are falling apart

Can I look like I have it all together?

Re: Can I look like I have it all together?

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