Ugh. Guys, I need some E advice. Maybe a smack upside the head.

Snippylynn · December 2011

So, my best friend here is going through some stuff. I've noticed in the past few months that she's behaving... weirdly. There's not other way to state it. She started grad classes and all of a sudden is out partying every night, and hanging out with her friends from school. Which is fine... except that it's caused her engagement to end and the relationship to implode.

It seems as though, since she started classes, that and her friends from there are the only things that matter. I mean, I'm not an insider in their relationship by any means, but I can't see how you can make things work out when you're gone every.night.

Anyway, it caused our frienship to suffer massively as well. I would ask her if she wanted to do something, and the answer was always that she was 'booked' for the time I asked her. And it's ALWAYS for parties. Always. I'm seriously concerned about her, and told her that she should maybe take a step back. Her response was "OH NO, I've CHANGED!!" which was... weird anyway. Like... do you think I'd be bringing this up if you had changed in a positive way?

As some of you might know, I have a serious problem with keeping my mouth shut, and/or saying things helpfully. Heh. So. Advice. Do I just focus on trying to keep our friendship together and bite my tongue about all the whacky stuff she's doing? Or do I tell her that I'm concerned for her and about her behavior?

Wha.

It's so sad.

mica178 · December 2011

I think if she's a good friend, you need to say something. It sounds like she needs an intervention.

[Deleted User] · December 2011

I think that if she's a good friend, then you are well within your rights to express your concerns. Was she even upset about her broken engagement, or did she just brush it off as part of her changing?

How old is she? It's weird that registering for grad school makes her party more. A young, fresh out of high school college student I could see, but an adult going back to school? I think there are bigger issues and I'd definitely say soemthing. Like cfas said, maybe you could schedule a lunch date or something, when she (presumably) wouldn't be partying.

mica178 · December 2011

Is she in business school? That's the only graduate program I can think of where students act like they're back in college and alcoholism is encouraged.

aleighk1 · December 2011

If she doesn't have time for her engagement, how does she have time for grad school? I'm in undergrad and I don't have time to do shiit.

If she's worth having as a friend, then I say you should talk to her. If not, just let it go and let her make her own decisions.

baystateapple · December 2011

I dunno, Snippy, I felt the same way when my BF (at the time -- we've since grown apart) went to college and started drinking and partying and sleeping around. I did speak to her, and that was how I found out she was doing cocaine. She did end up kicking the habit, but it was definitely the catalyst for her odd behavior.

I'm not saying that your friend is definitely doing drugs, but I think there's nothing wrong (and everything right) in saying "Hey, friend, are you okay? You've had a lot of big changes lately -- school, a breakup, etc. -- and I'm concerned about your wellbeing. If you ever want to talk please know that I am here for you." Or something like that.

Simply Fated · December 2011

Do you think her partying could be a defense mechanism for dealing with the stress of grad school and her relationship having problems? On a sidenote, I always felt like I had to work twice as hard to do even half as well as my friends in school. I was never a partier, but a lot of my friends were.. they managed to maintain excellent grades and I was the one struggling. Some people can handle late night drunken parties and school. I hope your friend is one if those people. Anyway, I would see if there is a reason behind her actions.

Elinetrouwt · December 2011

You're not the one who needs the smack upside the head, she does. But there's little you can do except expressing your concern. It doesn't sound like that will change a lot, though. Good luck!

Snippylynn · December 2011

thanks guys. I appreciate the advice.

For the record, she's 24, and in a social welfare program. It's quite small, only about 14 people. I have brought up my concerns before, and she's just been defensive about it and that I'm trying to keep her from changing. *shaking head*

She says she's sad about the engagement ending, but I honestly don't see that. It's totally weird.

rebarobert2012 · December 2011

I think that you should definitely say something, but in my experience, people don't change unless they really want to. If she doesn't believe she has a problem and she doesn't want help, it would be really hard to force her to accept help. However, definitely speak to her about it. It sounds like you are pretty close friends, and hopefully she will appreciate that you want to help her.

lenergyrlah · December 2011

My guess is that since she's out partying every night, she's probably not doing well in her classes. Maybe failing a semester and/or getting kicked out of the program will help her realize that this is a problem. At least it might separate her from her new friends...

Did she by any chance go to a private/religious school for undergrad? If so, maybe she wasn't allowed to party and now is trying to have the "college experience" that she didn't have before.

I think you should talk to her although make sure that you don't sound judgmental because then she won't listen at all. Try to emphasize that partying isn't bad, it's just that you think she should try to balance it better with everything else going on in her life.

Also keep in mind that finals are coming up so she will probably be cramming and will be busier than normal (imagine trying to cram for finals while partying every night; you wouldn't have time to meet with a friend for lunch either!) so it may be best to wait until after her semester is over before you talk to her. At this point she probably can't save her grades anyway.

noodle_oo · December 2011

The first thing that came to my mind is that her new "friends" have introduced her to drugs. Is that a possibility?

toothpastechica · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugh-guys-need-e-advice-maybe-smack-upside-head?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b04f7a27-2e69-49bf-82aa-2e040da69346Post:34827f00-0e08-4f12-9dec-46dda8ac421d">Re: Ugh. Guys, I need some E advice. Maybe a smack upside the head.</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks guys. I appreciate the advice. For the record, she's 24, and in a <strong>social welfare program. It's quite small, only about 14 people</strong>. I have brought up my concerns before, and she's just been defensive about it and that I'm trying to keep her from changing. *shaking head* She says she's sad about the engagement ending, but I honestly don't see that. It's totally weird.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

This is wierd. I am in a community social services program and partying does not fit the profile of my classmates or I at all....the only thing i can think is that she has started to overidentify with clients, feel like the injustaces of the world are too hard to take on and has become jaded and just doesnt care anymore. I have seen this i happen with a couple of classmates that were kicked out of the program because they stopped showing up for classes, they would invite people to social justice rallys and then get high and then come to class the next day stoned, not good material for someone who is going to be working with a below poverty level population day in day out. As mean as it is i hope she does get kicked out of her program because it sounds like she will fail miserably in the field if she cant curb the partying. Also with the engagement ending, that also may be influenced not only by the partying but by views in the classroom and with peers, a lot of my peers work in womens shelters and have said its very very very hard to look at men and relationships in a positive way and not just hate all men or in the very least find it hard to trust any men when you here all the terrible stories of stuff many of the women deal with because of men. SO while she might be sad its over, it might have also cemented this idea that 'all men are untrustworthy' in her mind since you hear about all the violence against women stats and info all the time and that might be how she is coping with it.

Ugh. Guys, I need some E advice. Maybe a smack upside the head.

Re: Ugh. Guys, I need some E advice. Maybe a smack upside the head.

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