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Wedding Recap and Withdrawal

Regretting the best man

Like many brides I worked hard and imagined my big day would be perfect. Of course, reality hit and a few things went wrong. Most of them can be looked back with laughter. However, there is one thing that sometimes makes my husband lose sleep at night and makes me wish we could go back in time but I put on a false "don't feel bad" face. He chose the wrong best man. He chose who he thought was his best friend of two years at the time. Things unravelled a few months later with his wife causing an uproar and he taking her side on her angry two faced ways. His best man was the most influential man in his life at the time but he regrets he did not do more to put the most influential man in his life of all time as his best man. My husband originally asked his gran-dad, the most influential man in his life, but he said "I'm sure you can find someone else", if my husband were a little more persistent he would have done it. The best man (led by his wife) screwed us over and spit us out months after the wedding. Now when I look at a wedding party picture I am filled with regret.
There is a nice picture of my hus band standing next to his gran-dad and although he is 82 and couldn't do as much as someone younger, my husband looks so proud standing by him.

I know I can't change the past and his granddad has no hard feelings whatsoever. I just don't want my husband feeling this guilt. I guess I would feel a little better if anyone had similar stories.


My husband and his grandfather.

Re: Regretting the best man

  • Oh wow, I'm so sorry. I don't have any wisdom to share, just that that's very sad for the both of you.

    Dumb question, has H actually talked about this with his grandfather? I mean, I know you said that he doesn't have any hard feelings but that could just be an unspoken thing. It might be better if it's out in the open - if it's not already.
  • Did the best man ruin your day at all?  It doesn't sound like he actually ruined the wedding day itself.  Even if you could go back in time, your grandpa probably would've refused the offer.  Most people that are older feel pretty uncomfortable being in a wedding party. YOu are not close to the first person that's come on here saying how an older person told them to find someone else to be in the bridal party.  At least you didn't force his grandpa to do something he wasn't comfortable doing.  Also, many people grow away from their bridal party shortly after they get married.  Focus on you and your husband in your pictures and don't worry about the fact that the best man is no longer in the picture of your lives.  
  • They already spoke about it. His gran-dad is fine.
  • I would just say that you should help your DH take solace in the knowledge that his grandfather knows his importance in your DH's life and that he made the best decision possible at that time. You can't predict the future, the only thing you can do is decide & act on today. 
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  • I had two best friends, the three of us were like the three musketeers as teenagers, and I picked the one as my MOH with the other as a 1st bridesmaid, a sortof MOH in everything but in name (she encouraged me to do so, as the other friend has been my MOH since we were ten years old, dreaming of our future weddings). I couldn't have imagined ever regretting that decision, but, sadly, I do. My lifelong best friend has spent the last two years distancing herself from me, making decisions about her life than she erroneously assumes I will judge and therefore hides from me. The things she did for the wedding were sources of constant stress for me due to her undependability, and she shows very little interest in anything in my life, including the wedding and surrounding proceedings. While my 1st bridesmaid and I would spend hours talking and dreaming about the wedding, marriage, our friendship, everything, my MOH would talk with us for an hour then declare "too much wedding talk" and change the subject. We never talk anymore, I've almost given up trying to tell her about my life, I start to feel pathetic when I'm the only one sharing.
    Its been painful, not really because of the wedding, but because of the friendship. I do wish I had asked my 1st bridesmaid to be MOH though, she put so much more effort into making my wedding special than I ever expected of anyone. She deserved that honour.

    I don't make a point of telling people about this, You just seem to need someone to commiserate a bit, which I do. Please don't let thoughts of what could have been ruin your memories of an otherwise wonderful day. Interpersonal relationships are complicated and sometimes unpredictable, you and your husband made the best choice you could with the information you had. Besides, you never know what the future may hold for your friendship.
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