Bride arranging her own shower

lindsay5432 · February 2011

I'm a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. She is getting married at the end of August, I'm getting married in the beginning of May.

She called me the other day to tell me she booked a restaurant for her shower for April.

My future mother in law was planning on booking my wedding shower for the same day. I had to call fmil and ask her to change the date, which wasn't a big problem as she had not paid a deposit yet.

I love my friend, and I wanted to be very involved in throwing her a nice shower with the other bridesmaids, but now that she has booked her own shower for less than a month prior to my own wedding, I'm feeling a little put off by that.

1. I'm going to be a little busy at that time, with my own wedding just a few weeks away -- I don't know that I'll have time to help with everything.

2. Money is tight! I'm not going to be able to contribute very much. By July or early August, I would have been able to contribute a lot more.

3. I don't know if she's expecting us bridesmaids to pay for this shower that she is planning, since, well, she is planning it. I don't know what to say when she's talking about the menu at this restaurant or the shower games & prizes.

Thoughts?

MairePoppy · February 2011

Thoughts? There are so many things wrong, here, that is hard to know where to start.

The bride should never throw a shower or any other party in her honor. I can't imagine why anyone would think this is okay. As her friend, have you tried to tell her that this wasn't appropriate? It's also not appropriate to plan a party with the expectation that other people will pay for it.

BMs and MOH are not obligated to give parties for the bride. If you don't have time or money to do it, don't. When she brings up the menu, prizes or any details of the shower, don't comment on them. Instead say, "Friend, I wish I could help with your shower, but it's so close to my own wedding that I don't have the time or the money." Don't let her assume you are paying for anything.

I am curious, has she been asked or has she offered to help with your shower?

Since she has jumped the gun with the shower planning, maybe you and the bms could organize a bachelorette party, if you want to do something for this bride.

SuMmErKuTiE · February 2011

In the words of the pp, there are just so many things wrong here.

The bride should never ever plan her own bridal shower and/or bachelorette party. These parties are gift to her and no one is under obligation to plan them for her. A lot of people are under the mistaken impression that it's the MOH's duty or the BM's duty to throw these parties. Anyone can offer to host these parties, the bridal party, their mom, their FMIL, their grandma, an aunt, a close friend, a cousin, friend of the family, etc... anyone but the bride and groom can host the pre-wedding parties. It's just rude to throw a party in honor of yourself where gifts will be given and then on top of it all expect someone else to pay for it.

Are there any other dates that may work for your FMIL planning your shower? If not, you can send along a gift to your friend's shower with your sincere apologies that you can't make it.

nurse.misty · February 2011

Aside from the fact that she shouldn't be planning her own shower, I don't understand why she feels it's necessary to do it 4 months before her wedding knowing a friend will be super busy finalizing details for her own wedding the next month. That's just completely inconsiderate to me. I agree with PP though. If the date FMIL had planned to use was a date that worked well for your own guests to attend your shower I would tell the friend that you already have a shower planned for that day. Then if she still decides to have the shower, continue with your own and you can send a gift or card to hers with warm wishes for her. Did your friend know that your FMIL had already planned something for that date? Just wondering if maybe it was an honest mistake and she just didn't think to ask.

MairePoppy · February 2011

Her fmil agreed to reschedule her shower, because she hadn't made reservations, yet. That was very nice of the fmil.

CrazyMary77 · February 2011

I know she's your friend, but she seems inconsiderate in her actions. Don't cancel your plans for her. Tell her if she keeps it that date, you won't be able to make it. Also, if you and other BMs wanted to throw her a shower, tell her that you were thinking of doing one, say, in July, but that if she would rather throw her own earlier, then regretfully you won't be able to attend.

lindsay5432 · February 2011

Thanks to all who replied. Sorry it took so long for me to get back here, I've been super busy.

For clarification, my future mother in law had not already booked the hall for the shower, so she was able to change the date. So our showers are now one week apart.

I just feel bad because I did want to help throw her a shower. But I can't say to her that I'll take care of it, because I'm going to be too busy in the one month before my wedding.

I found out she's having it 4 months early because she wants some OOT guests to be able to attend for her shower.

I hope she's not upset when I'm not able to help out, and I'm just not sure what to make of this situation.

Hippinhipster · March 2011

A bride should never be planning her own parties! My sister tried to pull this last year by telling my and her other brides maids she had booked a hotel for her bachelorette party and when I told her I couldn't afford to pay for a hotel room (the reason I didn't book it myself) her response was " Oh that's ok you can split it with the other girls and it wont be so much" OH-HECK-NO! I did not pay one cent of that bill neither did the other girls... however special her wedding is to her she has no right to plan things and expect other people to pay for them! You have no obligation to help or contribute in anyway!

Bride arranging her own shower

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