Help, what do I do when my dad hates my bf?

JandSJordan · August 2010

My bf and I have been together for over 2 years, living together for about a year. He bought a ring but has not yet proposed. We mentioned to my dad that we were going to get married, as a heads up that he'd be getting a phone call from my bf soon. That didn't go over so well. Apparently he thinks my bf isn't good enough for me and seemed pretty blindsided by the whole thing. He's afraid that my bf isn't going to be able to support me. I graduate from law school next May and have never looked to have him support me. When I talked to my dad after the initial angry reaction, he told me that he can't be happy for us and that he won't admit he's wrong until our 25th anniversary. He also implied that he thought we'd get a divorce.

Now my bf is thinking that maybe we should wait on getting engaged and see if my dad comes around. I told my bf that my dad may end up liking him more as we go through the planning process, but he's still not sure about going through with it. The whole situation is stressing us out.

Any suggestions? Would it be a good idea to wait possibly years to see if my dad comes around or just go ahead with it and hope my dad's feelings change before the wedding?

Narwhal · August 2010

Sit down with him and have a real in depth talk on why he really doesn't like your boyfriend. Start off the questions pointing to you like "I feel like...".

Tell him how much your boyfriend means to you and try to answer his qualms with patience and explanation. Do not get defensive.

If he does not come around, tell him you are asking for his blessing, not his permission. If he still can't give you that, you have to ask yourself if you're okay with marrying a man that your father is so against.

noelle24 · August 2010

I think you should try to find out more about WHY your dad feels this way. Then ask yourself it they're valid concerns, and be honest with yourself. If they're valid, decide whether to wait a while or not. If they are not valid, then you might have to decide who's happiness is more important: yours (by marrying BF) or your dad's. While it would be nice to have your dad's approval, if he's acting irrationally, then you need to do what you think is best for yourself.

GreenPepperBurger · August 2010

I'm wondering just why your dad doesn't like your BF. If it's a matter of him not bringing in as much money as you (since you're going to law school and all), then that's a pretty silly reason. Does he not like his personality? The family he comes from? Any superficial reasons will be easy to smooth over. If it's something more serious (he may not like the way your BF treats you, may feel that he can be abusive), then it's pertinent to get that cleared up ASAP.

catemeg · August 2010

It's hard to get a read on the situation as outsiders. Your Dad might just be afraid to lose his little girl, or he might have legitimate concerns.

Other posters had good advice - sit down with your Dad, let him know you didn't realize he felt that way, and ask him (non-confrontationally or defensively) to explain his concerns. Don't argue, just ask more questions. Pose everything as a question, and try to keep a really agreeable tone rather than defending your boyfriend. It's going to be hard, but hearing your father out is probably the best way to understand if there are real legitimate concerns or if he's just afraid of losing you. If it's the latter, he's likely to talk himself in circles and realize he's being silly. If it's legitimate concerns, it's good for you to hear.

I know my father hated every boyfriend I ever had, and I just thought that was normal. And then he met my boyfriend only 2 weeks after we had started dating, and he was shocked by how much he liked him from the beginning. My mother and I were totally floored, because we expected him to have his normal gruff attitude, but they got along like peas in a pod. Even today, my boyfriend and father will call each other just to chat. That means more to me than I ever realized, and for me would be worth waiting for a guy who got along with my Dad.

bajediva · August 2010

I'm completely agreeing with having a sit down with your Dad. When people who love you are genuinely concerned, it's a good idea to listen. Even if you do not end up seeing eye to eye, truly understanding his perspective can help you examine the situation in a way that only strengthens your own.

On taking care of you, I wouldn't say that it's a superficial concern. It may be that he's traditional in his view that a man should be in a position to take care of his wife and family, and if he's been a good father in taking care of you, wants the comfort of knowing that you will continue to be taken care of. But the only way to know what he's truly thinking is to talk. Actually, not so much talk, but to listen.

redheadfsu · August 2010

Yep, you need to have a sit down. Try to figure out if this about you growing up or is this about your BF.

When I first started dating my FI, my mother didn't like him. But that was more about her letting go than him being a bad guy. I had a sit down & explained to her that she had to focus on how he acted & treated me, not what she thought was "best" for me. She now (years later) adores him.

Ask your father for specifics. Since this isn't a new relationship, try to focus on actual history. Like, was there a situation where your father thought BF acted inappropriate? Can he come up with any examples of situations where BF didn't measure up. If not, then try to explain he needs to focus on how your boyfriend acts, not on the vision your dad has for you.

bethsmiles · August 2010

For me if my parents didn't like someone it would be a red flag. A lot of times people outside your relationship see things you don't. But that might not be the case here. Has your dad just now decided he doesn't like your BF? If it that he doesn't like BF or he doesn't think marriage is a good idea for now? How important is your dad's opinion in making this decision?

I agree with the other posters that you need to sit down with your dad and have a conversation about how he really feels about everything.

katanne9 · August 2010

Ditto PPs. Talk to your dad about the WHYs. Why doesn't he think he can support you? Why doesn't he think it will be successful. Listen and don't get defensive. Hear him out. THEN make your own decision to move forward or not with or without his blessing.

Also, just to throw this in there - I highly doubt wedding planning will make him come around. Wedding planning is usually just really intense, and, the fact that he doesn't support the 2 of you will only intensify his feelings. If you move forward with planning you need to be prepared to be without his support.

jeanacorina · August 2010

Wedding planning will NOT help. It will aggravate his feelings and stress everyone out.

It's not all rainbows and puppies and wonderful happy times. It's hard work, and it involves a lot of trying to figure out when to compromise and when to just do what you want. You won't be able to make everyone happy. Your family will think his family is nuts, his family will think your family is nuts. Words will fly. Tempers will flare.

I mean, SOME days are happy rainbow butterfly times. But wedding planning is still a LOT of stress. That doesn't help someone who is already upset.

It reminds me of people who think having a baby will save their relationship. It won't. It will make the bad things worse.

Weddings might bring people together, sure. But way before the together part comes budgets and guest lists. Those things cause hurt feelings and stress.

Sit down with your dad, by yourself. Ask questions, let him talk. Then take his thoughts into consideration. Really. If you still feel he is wrong and marrying this guy is right, then do it with or without his blessing. Obviously listen to what other posters have said. My main point was that wedding planning will NOT make anything better. So please don't go into it with that expectation.

nefariousmango · August 2010

I agree with Beth and Jeana- When anyone you care about has that negative of a reaction to your plans for anything, it's a red flag. And planning a wedding will not help your dad come around, and most likely would just aggravate the situation. It sounds like your dad's reasons are emotional rather than logical, and just talking with him might clear up his concerns.

I also don't think waiting a few years is a bad thing. Think about what will change when you get married, then think about it some more and make sure you're being realistic, and then go back to thinking about how long you're willing to just live together and enjoy life as committed but unmarried partners. Personally I'd rather wait for my dad's support and have him be a happy part of the wedding than get married right away with his disapproval looming over all three of you.

leia1979 · August 2010

I definitely agree with PPs. A friend of mine got engaged right around the end of law school. Her parents were against it because they were afraid it would distract the bride-to-be from the things they considered more important: finishing school and passing the Bar.

You want to find out your dad's concerns, and then maybe you can assuage them.

jwellbor · August 2010

I'm having the same issue, but I know my Dad doesn't like my bf on the basis of his political beliefs. Talk about a rough situation. I feel for you. I hope you find out why your Dad doesn't like your bf and I do suggest a sit down. However, given my experience, be prepared for his reasons to be things you don't want to hear and know how you will respond if you find his opinions unreasonable. If this guy is the one for you and your Dad's reasons are more along the lines of not knowing how he will provide for you, ask you bf to have the conversation. He doesn't need your Dad's blessing now, but he needs to answer your father's questions so that when the day comes for him to ask permission, you Dad has all the information he needs to be ready to give his daughter away.

notquiteblushing · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dad-hates-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8a0837cd-0c2a-4d3a-a374-d0957e9ddcf0Post:3d5a3d71-8207-45f0-a5ae-569e9a82bb54">Re: Help, what do I do when my dad hates my bf?</a>:
[QUOTE]For me if my parents didn't like someone it would be a red flag. A lot of times people outside your relationship see things you don't. But that might not be the case here. Has your dad just now decided he doesn't like your BF? If it that he doesn't like BF or he doesn't think marriage is a good idea for now? How important is your dad's opinion in making this decision? I agree with the other posters that you need to sit down with your dad and have a conversation about how he really feels about everything.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Yeah this would give me pause as well. Unless your dad was being very dramatic I don't think I would ever forget his evaluation about my boyfriend and would have to choose between the two of them at that point.

Help, what do I do when my dad hates my bf?

Re: Help, what do I do when my dad hates my bf?

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