How long should you be engaged?

ShellLillian · March 2012

My boyfriend and I have been dating about a year and a half now, and we clicked instantly. We are sure we want to spend our lives together, but know we don't want to actually get married until we have graduated college and can fully support ourselves, which should be in about 2 years.

However, we would like to get engaged soon, partly because we are so sure we will be getting married we see no reason not to, but also because we would like a lot of time to save money and plan the wedding carefully.

I am 19 and he is 20. I am scared that some will think this is too young to be engaged, including my mother, who I am very close to. Is that true?

On the other side of things, his family and I don't get along at all. They have been very hard on our relationship. I am sure that when an engagement is announced, it will start another firestorm from them (they truly hate me), and I don't know if it's better to have that whole mess closer to or farther away from the wedding.

Opinions?

ShellLillian · March 2012

His family hates me because of religious differences, and because since my boyfriend and I have been together, he has become more independent and less willing to let them micromanage every detail of his life.

Another reason I forgot to mention for why we want to get married soon after graduating is because we plan on moving out of state after we graduate, but nearly all of our friends and family live in this state, making it much simpler to have the wedding here, before we move.

Thank you for your advice. I suppose it's not to early to begin saving and planning, even if nothing is set in stone yet.

gsg717 · March 2012

I second saving just for the sake of saving, even if it gets spent on something other than a wedding (house maybe?).

FI asked me to marry him on our first date. At the time, we'd known each other just under 2 weeks. He bought my ring a month later, we got our apartment the month after that, and he proposed (formally, I guess) in the 3rd month. His family was quite opposed, and still is. They don't like me much, and I don't like them much (not anymore at least). We're also relatively young- I was 23 and he was 22 when we got together. Our wedding will be on our 2 year anniversary and his family is attending.

The point: do what you feel is right, in the timeframe you feel is right, regardless of what anyone thinks. There's no too fast or too slow, too young or too old. Just know the responsibility that comes along with marriage, be able to support yourselves, and keep your personal goals as a priority. Let your guy propose in his own time. When it feels right to him, it'll feel right to you as well.

ShellLillian · March 2012

Thanks.

He has actually asked me to marry him before, but it was very informal and when we first started dating, so we don't consider ourselves actually engaged.

Right now we are both still relatively dependent on our families, but that should start ending very soon, and at that point we will both begin more serious saving.

His family just expected their son to end up with different kind of girl, of a different race, and of a different religion. When he ended up with someone not like they had imagined, they retaliated in the meanest and most childish of ways. I honestly don't think it's something that can be overcome, but has definitely put stress on our relationship and we are both aware that it will cause more roadblocks along the way.

meganb1977 · March 2012

You can be engaged for as little or as much time as you want...fiance and I had been together seven years and will have been engaged for almost two years by the time our wedding date rolls around, but my parents moved in together within several months after they met and then got married a few months after that and just went to the courthouse without having a formal engagement.

That's a shame his family is closed-minded and hasn't been able to be more accepting of you, but especially if you are not planning to live in the same town as his family, it is something that can be managed with support from other people once you are able to be more independent of your parents, especially if you can take the high road and be accepting of their traditions.

mandi921vh · March 2012

Our engagement will be about 20 months when we get married. I wanted to finish school before we got married and it was more time consuming planning a wedding 300 miles away.

MoonlightSilver · March 2012

There is no need. My fiance and I knew we were going to be married long before he proposed. We decided not to get married until after college. However, during college a great deal came up on engagement rings so we decided to purchase one. We bought the ring when I was 18 but wont be married until I am 22.

You should definitely be saving money now, for the wedding and for your future (house, car, insurance, etc).

Beads921 · March 2012

FI and I met at 16. We're 22 now and will be 23 when we marry next year after being together nearly 6 years and engaged for 20 months in total. I finish school this year, and wanted to allow myself time to find and settle into a full time job before our wedding. I also didn't want to be doing any major planning while I was in school.

Have I known I wanted to spend the rest of my life with FI for a while? Absolutely, but that didn't mean we had to get engaged right away. FI proposed when he was ready to propose and ready to get married, and not a day sooner. I guess I just don't understand the whole "we want to get married eventually, so we're going to get engaged right away" mentality. What's the rush? You're 19 and still dependent on your parents.

chalfacre · March 2012

We met as Freshmen in college and have both recently graduated (me in May,him in December) We got engaged shortly after he graduated and will be married in October (10 month engagement) We've been together 4 years and wanted to wait until we were both out of school with jobs before we began planning a wedding. It just depends on your preferences, but we wanted a nice wedding and wanted to be able to afford it.

Chloeagh · March 2012

FI and I met when we were 17 and we're 20 now. We were going to wait until my senior year in college to get engaged, since then I would know where we would be after I graduate and I knew our parents would be more supportive. But we've known we're going to get married for quite some time and he decided he didn't want to wait any longer to give me the ring he had designed, so he proposed last month. We'll have a 3 year engagement, which is long, but we like being engaged.

My opinion is that if you want to get engaged, there's no stopping you.

steveandsteph415 · March 2012

I got enageged at 19, my husband was 21. We had been together since 14 & 16. We were living together. We didn't tie the knot until I was 22 and he was 24 - I was in college and wanted to finish. Do what is right for you, not anyone else!

jemmini6 · March 2012

Being engaged is a time to actually plan a wedding, so if you won't be planning a wedding anytime soon, why get engaged anytime soon. There's no need to "hurry up and wait" by getting engaged now and waiting several years to even start planning a wedding. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with a long engagement, but I just don't see the point in most cases, especially cases like these where you know for a fact you won't be planning until you graduate.

All that being said, it's your relationship, so you need to do what makes sense to you both. If that's getting engaged now and having a several year engagment, then that's what you should do.

SapphireCounselor · March 2012

My finance and I are getting married after I finish my Master's degree in June 2013. We'll have been engaged for a year and 18 months by the time that date rolls around. That's what works for us. But this is definately a very personal desicion. A big thing with us is that we would not have gotten engaged if we weren't financially independent.

Brieeski716 · March 2012

Just a note....it doesn't matter how long you're engaged...BUT long engagements are not fun. They are stressful and you have anxiety for much longer because you wish you were married and you have to keep waiting! Do what's best for you, but I would put off the engagement for a while.

carrieloomis · March 2012

We're going to be engaged for about 10 months. We were together for a year and a half before the engagement and will be together for over 2 years when we get married. That being said, he's graduating with his Masters next year, I'm graduating with my Bachelors right before the wedding, and we are financially able to be married. It's not insane to plan a wedding while you're in school. I have a good friend who got married mid-semester and had been engaged for a year and a half so it's doable. As a PP said, long engagements are not fun at all. 10 months is a long time--I'm so ready to be married! Just be prepared.

Also, remember that your boyfriends family will become your family. If they don't like you, prepare for that to be difficult.

Arturabeth · March 2012

I'm 21 and my fiance is 19. People tell us all the time that we are too young. But we are able to suport ourselves so why not get married?

MiksChick23 · March 2012

My personal opinion (and that of my FI) is that you get engaged when you're ready to get married. If you know you want to be together, but don't want to be married for 5 more years, then I don't see a point in getting engaged (IMO). You do not need to be engaged in order to be committed.

We were together 6 years when we finally got engaged, and that meant a green light for wedding planning! Since we got engaged in Feb and wanted a June wedding, we opted for June of the following year to give us time to save and plan. I knew FI was the one from the get go, and we got pets and bought a home before we were engaged b/c he knew as well...but we waited to get engaged until we were ready to start planning our wedding.

A lot of people have super long engagements though, because their opinion is different than mine, and that's fine too! There is no rule on this subject.

Edit: I do think that one should be able to support themselves before they can even think about getting married, so I would recommend being independent of your parents before you get engaged....again, JMO, but...yeah.

And PS...I'm so sorry they hate you for such petty reasons. I wish people weren't this way.

SCD1126 · March 2012

I only have one word of caution - as a second time bride. If you're wondering what people are going to think then maybe it IS too soon. If you can own your decision and stand by it and truly believe this is it, then the time may be right. Don't discredit what those who mean the most of you have to say either. You might not want to hear it, but it's probably safe to say your mom, especially, only wants what's best for you and any concerns she has come from am place of love.

In answer to your question though, there's no right or wrong. Do what works for you as a couple. There's no "standard" or cookie cutter for this sort of thing. Write your own story and don't worry about others are doing or what they think.

Congrats on finding the love of your life so soon. I'm a bit envious of those who do.

librababy · March 2012

I have heard of people being engaged for upwards of 5 years and beyond. Technically FI and I have been engaged for over 12 years LOL. Officially though, we just started really getting serious about getting married and wedding planning. We talked about it in December and our date is set for November. We aren't doing it the typical way though since our situtation is a little different. But for you, I say whenever your bf is ready to propose and you're ready to accept is the right time.

You will almost immediately want to start planning the wedding and there is nothing wrong with getting a head start. Once you get that ring, you can talk dates and figure out the best time for the both of you, whether it's 2 years from the engagemnt, or 2 months.

saraschilling88 · March 2012

I have seen both ends of the "engagement length" spectrum. My FI's friend met and dated a girl for 6 months, then proposed and they had a JP wedding at 7 months. They now have a kid and are having their "wedding ceremony" in May.

My brother and his fiancee have been together as long as I can remember (I'm 24), and have been engaged for at least 4 years (no date set, just enjoying life together)! I never thought I'd be married before my brother!!

My FI and I met in November of 2007, we have been dating since then, and got engaged this past October! We were both 23 when we got engaged, and will be 24 when we get married (I'm 3 months older). We had been talking about marriage for years, but we wanted to make sure we both felt the timing was right and our relationship was staying strong! We were together just shy of 4 years before he asked, and will be getting married in August (a few months shy of our 5th year together).

Each couple has their own engagement length and engagement story. I'm sorry your boyfriend's family doesn't like you (we ran into issues with mine too, but they have been resolved for the most part). Whenever the time feels right, and you feel you are independent from parents and have money for your wedding, then go ahead! Just don't feel like you have to rush into an engagement and then wait a long time for your wedding.

random4180 · March 2012

We'll have been engaged for a year.when we get married (got engaged on our fourth anniversary and getting married on our fifth.) We've been talking marriage for a while but I never wanted a long engagement (and over a year seems long to me.) He's younger than me so we've waited until he graduated college (almost two years ago now) and until we moved in together (together 2 1/2 years when we did.) Some people seem surprised that we're getting married soon because we don't have a ton of money but being married means more to us than the fancy reception. Some people would prefer to wait a little longer so they can save more money and be able to have their once-in-a-lifetime day just the way they want it without a lot of financial stress. We're more willing to make concessions (no honeymoon) to get married now. Everyone needs to do what feels right for them but I'm of the opinion, why get engaged to wait for years, especially when you know your engagement will be disapproved on his side of the family? Good luck~

ARM92 · March 2012

My FI and I were friends in high school and reconnected about a year ago. We were dating 8 months before we got engaged but we had been talking about it for several months before hand. We arent planning on getting married until after I graduate college which should be another two years or so.
It all depends on you and him. Its your life.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

I've been engaged for almost 4 years, we got engaged when I was 18 and he was 17. It's NBD.

iloveu4ever · April 2012

No not too young. My.fiance have.been engaged since 2009.

How long should you be engaged?

Re: How long should you be engaged?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards