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I don't know what to do... please help?

melbelle24melbelle24 member
Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
in Military Brides
I have a confession to make, and I won't be surprised if I get flamed for this, but... I think it's my fault FI isn't reenlisting.

Here's the story: earlier this year, FI was deployed when the time rolled around to him having a year left on his contract with the Marines, so he had to go talk to the career planner about the benefits of reenlisting and blah blah blah. Anyway, he started talking about it in one of the emails he sent me from the boat and he was telling me all the "great and cool things he could do if he reenlists" (i.e. all the ways he could make himself feel like a badass because he learned how to jump out of an airplane and blow stuff up). Well, at the time he was telling me all this, I was not having a very good week... it was finals in school, I was seriously stressed out, and I kind of replied to him without thinking and basically told him that I didn't know if I could wait on him if he reenlisted.

Anyway, he said that he doesn't really want to reenlist AD (and he had said this long before I said those things)... but the other night we were talking and something he said made me think about that conversation again. When I asked him about it, he admitted that one of the major reasons he doesn't want to stay AD is because of me and my comments. Now I feel absolutely terrible, and I don't know what to do. He's talking about either going into the Marine Reserves or the Air National Guard instead, but I really am afraid that he's only doing it because of me. I really and truly want him to do what makes him happy, and I don't want him to regret any decision he makes... but I don't know that I can honestly tell him that I would be 100% ok with him staying active right now. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
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Re: I don't know what to do... please help?

  • jamie5482jamie5482
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like you need to have a very open and honest conversation with both him and yourself. You both need to do what makes you happy and it sounds like you realize that it wouldn't be right to let your feelings keep him from following his dreams because it's possible you may eventually resent each other for it. It really depends on what both of your priorities are, I'd think about that if I were you and try to figure out the potential pros and cons. 

    That being said, you can't predict how the future will pan out and you'll need to learn to roll with the punches either way. I hope you're able to have a good, productive conversation with him and to figure out what you both want out of life. Good luck!
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  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Have you told him all this?

    And a reenlistment incentive like jump school isn't all that great when you put it up against four more years of no say in your life, unless it's what you want. 
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think it's perfectly okay to talk openly and honestly, tell him your preferences and why, but also tell him that you really will be by his side no matter what he chooses.  I do hope you can say that and mean it.  What's said in a moment of frustration can be totally understandable, but this is a big decision that affects both of you - whether civilian or military, being able to be open and honest with one another and take each other into consideration is key.

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  • melbelle24melbelle24 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes, we have talked about all of this. I think the biggest problem is that he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life after so long in the military, and my path (and location) is pretty much set for the next few years as I finish medical school and a residency program.

    Anyway, thank you girls for giving me an outside perspective on this. I truly do appreciate it!
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  • lyonstmlyonstm member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I can totally understand why you felt bad, but if that is truly how you felt about the matter then you shouldn't feel bad for telling him the honest truth.  By what you're saying it sounds like he was set on that decision for the get-go.  If that is not how you felt at least be able to have an open and honest discussion with him so he can truly make an informed decision on both ends.  Ultimately you can't feel bad for someone doing what they choose to do, just be there to support him and love him. :)

    BTW.. Jump school is not a great incentive for reenlistment.  He gets certified to jump out of planes and retires with bad knees.  Im just saying.
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  • SamiJoeBSamiJoeB
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with everyone else. You need to talk openly with him. Forget for that conversation about any wedding plans or deposits or anything. It sounds like the next few years of your life are in one place, and we all know with the military, very rare is the military career that is stationary.. Only he can decide whats best for his career, but part of the marriage is considering the other person.

    My H has never even been to NC, but he put down 2 NC stations because he knew being near my parents (who are older) was important to me. Perhaps your FI could go reserves while you finish med school and your residency, but it's really something the 2 of you have to figure out.. HTH, Good Luck!!
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  • zimgsgirl26zimgsgirl26
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My fiance and I went back and forth on him joining but I ultimately knew that it was what was best for us and him. Sitting down and talking about it is what's best. Good luck!
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  • heather0711heather0711
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    FI thought about reenlistment, mostly for the job security aspect of it. I was pretty much against the entire thing and said that if he was going to be AD for 4 more years, then we weren't getting married for 4 more years. I'm in school in CT, I wasn't into compromising about that. School is super important to me so he was incredibly understanding. In the end, he decided that it'd be better for us if he did not reenlist. His contract is up in December and then h'e got 4 years of inactive duty. Every once in a while he'll say something that probably doesn't come out quite like he means and it's like it was my decision to not reenlist & my fault he didn't re-up - we hash it out for a few minutes and then always come to the same conclusion, it's just better for everyone to not reenlist. He didn't genuinely want to be AD for 4 more years, that was clear throughout the conversations we had about it.
    Anyways, what I'm trying to get at is that yes, like PP's said, you guys need to sit down and talk about. You both need to be 100% honest with one another, it has to be the right decision for both of you, not just one or the other. 
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  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    H and I had talked a little bit about him not reenlisting. He was worried that these would be his first deployments with a wife and (maybe) family. I was open and listened but I came from the mindset that reenlisting was what was best for our family, especially in this economy. We came to the joint agreement that he would reenlist and here we are! I think, no matter which way the conversation heads, I'm sure there is a little "grass is greener" mentality. I'm sure there will be times when we question our decision. Only you and you FI know what is best for you. Continue to talk about it until you feel comfortable. Talking about it will always lead you back to the best decision you've made for your lives- whatever that decision may be.
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  • RobinW513RobinW513
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I know how you feel. I'm kind of in the oppsite situation. He doesn't want to stay in, and I think the economy sucks and it would be better if he did stay in. I feel like he's gotten so many promotions and been in so long and if he gets out we're never going to make as much money and are barely survive now. He doesn't like the way things are going with his job right now, and doesn't want to keep doing it. I want him to be happy, but I also don't want to be homeless. I don't make enough for us to survive off of just my income or my income and him making like $8 an hour.He has no clue what he wants to do with his life, and by the time he gets out we will both be in our late 20's which is you ask me, is a little too late to be jobless with no idea what you want to do in life. Money isn't really that important to me, but survival is. I'm afraid if he gets out he won't be able to find work and we will end up not just poor but like with not enough money to rent even a little apartment, and eat ramen noodles for dinner.

     I can't really offer any advice, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Robin - if he's been in that long, he should qualify for the GI Bill, yes?  Tell him that if he gets out, he should use that!  He has to pick a career at this point if he's getting out, and that can go towards furthering his education (either college or grad school) which will put him in a better position to find a job.

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