The Impass...

lmwilber · May 2011

So, I thought I would start a new thread for this. I honestly don't know where to start with this whole thing, I'm gonna try to keep it short so if something doesn't make sense, just let me know, and I'll try to clarify.
Background: I have had a lot more experience then BF, both in # of partners and in shall we say, fetishes explored (nothing TOO out there, a bit light of BDSM, a threesome, and I worked as a dancer for a month.) Nothing I am ashamed of, though a lot of it I would do over, in hindsight.
So, BF is pretty vanilla, the first few years were a bit more creative/spontaneous, but then things have kinda been fizzling out over the past 3 or so years. Really, a lot of it is my fault. I let sex be a little too 'all about me' for too long. I slacked off on my end, (not enough BJ's) and just going through the motions. I was mad that after all this time. we were still having the same sex. I resented (still do, actually) his porn habit like crazy. When ever he wanted to try a new posting, it was obvious that he got the idea from a movie, b/c honestly, no woman who wasn't getting paid would willingly put herself in that position.
So the sex tapered off once we moved back in together. I've caught him jerking off twice after I have made a pass at him, he has turned me down and I have gone to bed. This turns into a HUGE fight. Usually, he makes it my fault for being such a bitch (b/c masturbation is not a/b whether or not he is attracted to me, sometime he just doesn't feel like doing all that work.)
So, I've tried everything. I've brought back the BJ's with vengeance, but if I ask him to reciprocate, I'm being pushy (I don't ask all the time, he never offers.) Foreplay is nonexistent and there is no snuggling. I have to initiate 90% time, and its just been bad. I can't be on top, because then 'I'm just ridding him till i get off'; all he wants is doggy style or me on my back with my legs by my head. Or something only a Russian gymnast could pull off.
I've tried talking to him, but he keep saying that sex isn't that important to him in a relationship. I've tried to tell him that it is to me. He tells me if I'm that hot and bothered, to just use my battery operated friend more. Recently, he has admitted that my weight gain has been an issue. Not in a mean 'you are too fat to f$%k' way, but in a 'babe I love you, and I love x,y&z about you, but...' kinda way. I did ask if the weight was an issue, and he gave me an honest answer, and I respect his honesty, even if it was difficult to hear.
I just don't know what to do but let it go for now. I love this man, and when the sex was there, it was good. In all honesty I feel like this is THE issue that is keeping up from getting married.
Breaking up is not an option, b/c I do believe that he and I can fix this. I just think that its going to take some time.

jaycee7389 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:6fff92f0-24f0-4a59-a501-14f361e3351b">The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I thought I would start a new thread for this. I honestly don't know where to start with this whole thing, I'm gonna try to keep it short so if something doesn't make sense, just let me know, and I'll try to clarify. Background: I have had a lot more experience then BF, both in # of partners and in shall we say, fetishes explored (nothing TOO out there, a bit light of BDSM, a threesome, and I worked as a dancer for a month.) Nothing I am ashamed of, though a lot of it I would do over, in hindsight. So, BF is pretty vanilla, the first few years were a bit more creative/spontaneous, but then things have kinda been fizzling out over the past 3 or so years. Really, a lot of it is my fault. I let sex be a little too 'all about me' for too long. I slacked off on my end, (not enough BJ's) and just going through the motions. I was mad that after all this time. we were still having the same sex. I resented (still do, actually) his porn habit like crazy. When ever he wanted to try a new posting, it was obvious that he got the idea from a movie, b/c honestly, no woman who wasn't getting paid would willingly put herself in that position. So the sex tapered off once we moved back in together. I've caught him jerking off twice after I have made a pass at him, he has turned me down and I have gone to bed. This turns into a HUGE fight. Usually, he makes it my fault for being such a bitch (b/c masturbation is not a/b whether or not he is attracted to me, sometime he just doesn't feel like doing all that work.) So, I've tried everything. I've brought back the BJ's with vengeance, but if I ask him to reciprocate, I'm being pushy (I don't ask all the time, he never offers.) Foreplay is nonexistent and there is no snuggling. I have to initiate 90% time, and its just been bad. I can't be on top, because then 'I'm just ridding him till i get off'; all he wants is doggy style or me on my back with my legs by my head. Or something only a Russian gymnast could pull off. I've tried talking to him,<strong> but he keep saying that sex isn't that important to him in a relationship. I've tried to tell him that it is to me. </strong>He tells me if I'm that hot and bothered, to just use my battery operated friend more. Recently, he has admitted that my weight gain has been an issue. Not in a mean 'you are too fat to f$%k' way, but in a 'babe I love you, and I love x,y&z about you, but...' kinda way. I did ask if the weight was an issue, and he gave me an honest answer, and I respect his honesty, even if it was difficult to hear. I just don't know what to do but let it go for now. I love this man, and when the sex was there, it was good. In all honesty I feel like this is THE issue that is keeping up from getting married. Breaking up is not an option, b/c I do believe that he and I can fix this. I just think that its going to take some time.
Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

well that is your #1 issue right there. your views differ on what is most important in a relationship, and IMO this is one thing both parties should agree on.

not trying to judge, but how/why is sex the most important part of the relationship to you?

Elle1036 · May 2011

I think it's normal for any long-term sexual relationship to wax and wane, so to speak. It sounds like there may be a few extra factors contributing your waning phase, but regardless, it will probably pick back up at some point in the near future.

Regardless, issues like this can break a relationship if they go unaddressed for so long. It might be worth seeing a counselor about it. Good luck!

And FWIW, FI and I don't have a perfect bedroom-relationship either. He's much more... driven... than I am and I frequently feel pressured to put out, even when I'm so not in the mood, to keep from "depriving" him. We're aware of, and have talked about, our issues and we're working on them. I think that's all you can do sometimes.

calindi · May 2011

This is normal. Not healthy, but normal. You can get past this with a little understanding and communication on both sides. I am a rather um, experienced individual myself, so I understand what you're saying. Luckily for me, FI is also quite experienced. We've been having a lot less sex recently (well, now we're having none as he's 1000 miles away all summer, but you get the point) and we do talk about it. Sort of like a temperature check, to make sure things are still okay. It's normal to not have as much sex, but it's important that both partners feel fulfilled.

Is it that you want to have more sex or that you want him to want to have more sex with you? There's a difference. Are you satisfied with the amount of sex, but just frustrated that he's turned you down or that he seems to be more interested in porn than being intimate? If that's the case, then the issue is the porn and your communication about it, not the sex. If you truly aren't being satisfied, then the issue is communication and compromise. The first thing for both is - COMMUNICATION!

Try writing it out - when my guy gets defensive about something I'm saying, and it sounds like your guy might be getting a little defensive about the porn, writing it out really helps me fully say what I want to say. Then he reads it, and it gives him time to process how I view things without having to respond. He usually is much less defensive, and will sometimes then choose to talk (I listen first, since I already "talked" through my letter) or he'll write me a letter back and THEN we'll talk. Explain to him that you understand the weight is a bit of an issue, and you'll work on it, that it hurt to hear but you do understand. Also acknowledge what you understand - that you know he doesn't feel like porn is in competition with you, but then tell him how it makes you feel. Stop and think to yourself where you could compromise or understand - maybe if he didn't expect you to perform like a porn star, it would be easier and you'd feel less like you were trying to mimic the stuff he watches? That would frustrate me, too. I don't bend like that, and I want him to want to have sex with me, not have me pretend to be some girl in a porn flick. My guy watches a decent amount of porn, but it's never really entered into our bedroom activities (except when we watch together, but that's rare). I masterbate plenty on my own, and he's caught me a few times, but it has nothing to do with him not pleasing me or having a lack of sex, so I guess I just understand a bit where he's coming from when he says porn/masterbation doesn't have to do with sex with a significant other.

Sometimes we want more sex, sometimes we want less. It's biological, chemical, whatever, but it's totally normal to ebb and flow. Talk about it, if he gets defensive then drop it for the time being and try writing him a letter to tell him how you feel. It isn't going to suddenly fix itself with one mind-blowing session, but hopefully you'll both put some more effort in. Perhaps plan to have a sexy date night, with a hotel room, a bottle of chocolate body paint, some whipped cream, handcuffs, porn star shoes, lingerie, and a sexy iPod playlist?

lmwilber · May 2011

Jaycee- Physical intimacy, is to me, a very tangible and healthy way to express love and gratitude to my BF. It makes me feel close and connected to my BF. Plus, sex is fun, and relaxing, why shouldn't sharing something like that with my BF on a regular basis be important?

Elle- I think BF and I have to opposite 'drive' issue. I would like to go to counselling, but due to $$ concerns, I think that we are on our ownon this one.

csousa1 · May 2011

Are you on BC? What do you use for protection? This could have a huge effect...

BF and I used to do it like rabbits. Sex is very important to both of us. In the past few months, the sex has been waning considerably. He has been going through a lot of stuff and battling some depression, which is obviously a huge factor. Also, however, he has a newfound fear of having kids soon, and I went off BC almost a year ago because I hate being on it. I had no idea that now he is afraid to have sex sometimes because he doesn't want to have kids yet. I don't either, but I wasn't terrified of it, so I figured that when I told him I was going off BC and we would have to use alternative methods, that was good enough. It isn't. I hate it, but I am going to have to consider going back on BC. Once I do, I'm sure our sex life won't be exactly how it was, but I know it will be better.

Also, is he going through any big changes or adjustments right now? People say men and women are so different, but we really aren't. If we have a bad day, if we are mourning the loss of something/one, if we are stressed out, we have issues communicating, giving pieces of ourselves, comforting others, and feeling sexually interested. True of all human beings everywhere. Instead of just talking about the sex thing, try to find out if something is going on underneath that layer. At the very least he will appreciate your concern.

marleylikeair · May 2011

I'm going to be really honest here: it sounds to me like the sex is not the issue, but it's suffering for other, deeper reasons within the relationship. It doesn't sound like either one of you is feeling a natural, honest, unforced desire to be intimate with and please the other.

With my ex, I eventually realized my heart wasn't in the relationship, and that explained perfectly why I almost never gave him a BJ to completion or wanted to stay, well, down there for very long.

On the other hand, with my BF now, I love doing it, even though, yep, it's tiring.

No foreplay, no snuggling also says to me that there's something lacking or needing fixing in the relationship that's not even directly related to sex. If you don't both want to do these things (and at least one of you misses doing them) there's something wrong. I think both the foreplay and the snuggling are good indicators in a relationship of emotional intimacy and about caring for one another.

I would also venture to say sex probably *is* important to him, but he doesn't realize this or isn't admitting it. If it weren't important, there'd probably be less jerking off and less porn. I mean, these things are normal for guys, even in relationships, but if he's using them as a replacement for sex with you, I think that's an indicator of a problem.

I think you should sit down with him and try to have a conversation about how you're feeling, being as calm and non-accusatory as you possibly can. You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, and to be happy in your relationship, and it doesn't sound to me like either of those things is totally true for you right now.

Good luck, hun. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

ETA: I also don't think the weight issue is a good enough reason to be less attracted to you, unless maybe you've put on 200 pounds and are morbidly obese. I tend to fluctuate, but even at my heaviest, BF still peeks at me in the shower and says, "MAN, you're hot." He's gained some weight since we started dating, too, and, to be honest, is kinda porky around the middle, but you know what? I still love his body and he still makes me CRAZY (you know, in a good, sexyfuntimes way).

lunarsongbird · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:6fff92f0-24f0-4a59-a501-14f361e3351b">The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]Recently, he has admitted that my weight gain has been an issue. Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

::hugs, hugs, a bajillion trillion hugs::

You are so much of a better person then me for getting over this. I could NOT get over this in my last relationship. And in the beginning of my relationship with Andrew, I told him that he has to love me for. If he thought my weight could become an issue in the relationship- I told him not even to start it.

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. For the first time in my life- <strong>I'm</strong> the one saying, "We don't do enough!" ::shrugs:: I hate the porn. I could kill the porn. Before we moved in together- he was looking at the crap twice a day. When I get insecure- I wonder if he still does.

I was totally beside myself this Saturday morning and almost made a post about it. I didn't know what to do. However- I simmered down- and when Andrew finally got up- I asked him what he felt like doing that day. And then of course- he asked me- and I told him I thought he should make love to his girlfriend.

That was easy enough. I wish he would initate more often without asking, but for now- that's working.

Have you discussed his insecurities in the bedroom or anything? What he likes? What you like? Why he doesn't initiate?

jaycee7389 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:b5ecbcdd-9909-45f4-8509-391121550dfa">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]Jaycee- Physical intimacy, is to me, a very tangible and healthy way to express love and gratitude to my BF. It makes me feel close and connected to my BF. Plus, sex is fun, and relaxing, why shouldn't sharing something like that with my BF on a regular basis be important?
Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

There is no problem with that being what you desire in a relationship, I just wanted you to be more specific because a lot can be pulled from "sex is the most important thing".

I actually have been on both sides of this issue. My ex was a very sexual person, probably a little more than what is healthy. The sex was great, and he cared a lot about making sure I was enjoying it and getting what I wanted out of it. The major problem though was that he let it become too big of a part of the relationship and sometimes I felt that it was all he really cared about. (this is why I said in my PP that it is important for couples to value the same things in a relationship.) Eventually it became a very unhealthy relationship because he wanted more than I wanted to give, and I felt like I was being used almost. On his end, he felt like I didn't love him/care about our relationship the way he did because I wasn't willing to express myself sexually the way that he wanted to express himself.

On the other hand, I have also been in your shoes. In my current relationship I wish my bf and I had sex more often and experimented more with our sex life. We have talked about the issue, but it really hasn't gone anywhere. He doesn't turn me down when I want to have sex or anything, but I feel like he can be boring in bed a times. I also realize this is probably because I was in a LTR with someone who was very sexually expressive and now I am in a relationship with someone who is not.

edit: typo

ADTonk · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:6fff92f0-24f0-4a59-a501-14f361e3351b">The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I thought I would start a new thread for this. I honestly don't know where to start with this whole thing, I'm gonna try to keep it short so if something doesn't make sense, just let me know, and I'll try to clarify. Background: I have had a lot more experience then BF, both in # of partners and in shall we say, fetishes explored (nothing TOO out there, a bit light of BDSM, a threesome, and I worked as a dancer for a month.) Nothing I am ashamed of, though a lot of it I would do over, in hindsight. So, BF is pretty vanilla, the first few years were a bit more creative/spontaneous, but then things have kinda been fizzling out over the past 3 or so years. Really, a lot of it is my fault.<strong> I let sex be a little too 'all about me' for too long. I slacked off on my end, (not enough BJ's) and just going through the motions.</strong> I was mad that after all this time. we were still having the same sex. I resented (still do, actually) his porn habit like crazy. When ever he wanted to try a new posting, it was obvious that he got the idea from a movie, b/c honestly, no woman who wasn't getting paid would willingly put herself in that position. So the sex tapered off once we moved back in together.<strong> I've caught him jerking off twice after I have made a pass at him, he has turned me down and I have gone to bed. This turns into a HUGE fight</strong>. Usually, he makes it my fault for being such a bitch (b/c masturbation is not a/b whether or not he is attracted to me, sometime he just doesn't feel like doing all that work.) So, I've tried everything. <strong>I've brought back the BJ's with vengeance, but if I ask him to reciprocate, I'm being pushy (I don't ask all the time, he never offers.) Foreplay is nonexistent and there is no snuggling. I have to initiate 90% time, and its just been bad. I can't be on top, because then 'I'm just ridding him till i get off'; all he wants is doggy style or me on my back with my legs by my head</strong>. Or something only a Russian gymnast could pull off. I've tried talking to him,<strong> but he keep saying that sex isn't that important to him in a relationship. </strong>I've tried to tell him that it is to me. He tells me if I'm that hot and bothered, to just use my battery operated friend more. <strong>Recently, he has admitted that my weight gain has been an issue</strong>. Not in a mean 'you are too fat to f$%k' way, but in a 'babe I love you, and I love x,y&z about you, but...' kinda way. I did ask if the weight was an issue, and he gave me an honest answer, and I respect his honesty, even if it was difficult to hear. I just don't know what to do but let it go for now. I love this man, and when the sex was there, it was good.<font color="#800080"><strong> In all honesty I feel like this is THE issue that is keeping up from getting married</strong></font>. <strong>Breaking up is not an option, b/c I do believe that he and I can fix this. I just think that its going to take some time.</strong>
Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

Everything in bold is a huge red flag. You do not share the same views on sex and you're not communicating properly when it comes to sex. FInd a way to pay for counseling. Do NOT let this go for years and years... Which brings me to the purple part. That statement is the same for me. Our situation is a lot different (roles are reversed and there is a lack of porn) but the underlying reasons are the same - when it comes to the bedroom, you're not on the same page and you're finding it difficult to properly communicate yourselves. Seek couples counseling before this issue ruins your relationship. Yes it's expensive but many health insurance companies have some type of mental health coverage.

Blue & White · May 2011

A couple things that may or may not have been said previously (I kinda skimmed because I didn't see much of what I wanted to say already said)

First, this is pretty normal in a relationship for sexual desire to fluctuate. My main concern is two-fold:
1) your concern about his porn
2) his concern/comments about your weight

1 - Porn can be just as addicting as alcohol or illicit drugs. It can also be just as debilitating. The main concern with porn addiction is that an addict has unrealistic expectations of his partner during real-life sex. If he's getting off more on porn than on you, that's probably not a good sign. There are treatments for this, and I would suggest looking into this before you enter a life-long commitment with him.
2 - It's okay to be concerned about someone's weight. It's not okay to say "nope, don't want to have sex with you cause you're fatter than you used to be." I think the latter is stepping the line.

I know you say that marriage is the only end goal for this relationship, but I think it would be worth it for both of you to examine the relationship and make sure that there is a) more than sex attracting you to one another and b) a mutual respect about each other's sexual preferences.

Good luck - sex can be tricky.

lavenderfields13 · May 2011

Wow. As much as this issue really sucks it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one having these issues too. I do think couples counseling is a good option. There may be other deep rooted issues here. I also feel you on the part about this may be the thing keeping you from getting married. For the past year (probably more) or so I have definitely wanted sex less. BF has admitted that he thinks if we get married then I'll never put out. I think that subconsciously maybe I don't want to because I secretly resent him for us not being engaged. It's a vicious cycle.
If this has been going on for awhile and you don't see it getting resolved with just the two of you talking and breaking up is out of the question I think it may have to come down to counseling

ADTonk · May 2011

Wilber - I also think you should stop thinking about getting engaged and married until these issues have been resolved. Tell your BF that you don't want to get engaged or married until these issues are resolved.

I used to think that I was unhappy with BF because he hasn't proposed yet - only to realize that I was unhappy because of our sex life and the emotional roots that our sex life issues were growing from.

Marriage is not the "fix-all" for a relationship. Do NOT use it as a bandaid. Save marriage for when you truly have a healthy relationship and you've gotten this under control.

cu97tiger · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:e366ed50-78d6-43d3-be17-07b9e9d73477">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]I hear you...I have a much higher sex drive than BF and am FAR more experienced. But we have a very open dialog about it often and make sure we're on the same page. <strong>To me, the fact that he WANTED to have sex with me was more important than the physical act of doing it</strong>...I, too, have gone through some weight gain and have insecurities about whether or not he still finds me desirable. He has been super supportive through all that, but when I was asking him about weight gain, he told me that he HAD been nervous to have sex with me because of this whole hole-in-my-heart issue...basically, he didn't want the physical activity to kill me! Sex isn't an issue for that, but because he thought it was it made him want to initiate less. Once we talked about it, things got better. He was also somewhat shy to do it since <strong>we had been having an issue for a little while with premature ejaculation and he felt badly about</strong>. I told him that I didn't care at all (I have always been super supportive of that) and that we could try different things to make it last longer, but even if it didn't, I'd still just appreciate his trying and wanting to be intimate. <strong>I still have to initiate most times,</strong> but he really just does not have a super high sex drive and never has -- he doesn't watch porn, he doesn't masturbate. <strong>He runs a lot and sort of gets his "high" that way</strong> I think, and he works such long hours that when he comes home he's exhausted. We now try to make sure that sexytimes happen when he's not stressed/exhausted, and he is working on initiating more.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

<div>This, this, this and this. Oh Liv, your post almost made me cry. Two and a half years ago BF had a problem with ED (not PJ). It severely affected not only our sex life but our relationship, and almost drove us to break up a couple times. We have to keep communication lines wide open or it would be the end of us.</div><div>
</div><div>I've never said anything on here because I've felt like I'm the only one who doesn't have their BF jumping their bones the second I walk in the door. The truth is exactly what you said above, I often don't give a crap about actually having sexytime or not, I just want to know that he WANTS me.</div><div>
</div><div>We're in a much better place right now, and have gone from having sexytime once a month to 3-4 times a month and the last couple times have been A-MAZ-ING. It's still a work in progress, and it isn't perfect, but we're both willing to work on it. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks to the OP for bringing this up. </div>

loves2shop4shoes · May 2011

I can relate to you on a lot of this. I'm a lot more experienced than FI. "Vanilla" would be a fair description for him too. When we first got together, we'd be at it 4-5 times/day. And this year has been awful for our sex life. We had a problem with FI's hydrocele which made me have to be really, erm, gentile with him, and which gave me paranoia to the point that I could never get off. Then FI had surgery and we couldn't have sex for a month. Then I had the crazy periods/PCOS drama. So, now we have sex a few times a week.

So, my sex life at the moment isn't what I'd wish it to be. Honestly, the best thing you can do is communicate calmly, reasonably, rationally, and NOT point fingers. You BOTH contributed to where you are today. I don't think sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but when someone becomes bitter about it, sex can really destroy a relationship.

Tell your BF that you claim responsibility for X, Y, Z. You're sorry for making him feel like a sex toy. You want to get to a place where you both FULLY enjoy your sex life and are willing to put in any and all work necessary, as long as he is willing to make it work with you. Be patient. Be calm. It'll be ok.

And about the masturbation...pick your battles. Do you really blame him for wanting to get off, when he is obviously as dissatisfied with your sex life as you are? Is this really a hill you want to die on?

desertsun · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:538165e5-6358-4dfc-9732-dc753f623c2e">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to be really honest here: i<strong>t sounds to me like the sex is not the issue, but it's suffering for other, deeper reasons within the relationship. It doesn't sound like either one of you is feeling a natural, honest, unforced desire to be intimate with and please the other..</strong>. No foreplay, no snuggling also says to me that there's something lacking or needing fixing in the relationship that's not even directly related to sex. If you don't both want to do these things (and at least one of you misses doing them) there's something wrong. I think both the foreplay and the snuggling are good indicators in a relationship of emotional intimacy and about caring for one another... <strong>I think you should sit down with him and try to have a conversation about how you're feeling, being as calm and non-accusatory as you possibly can.</strong> You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, and to be happy in your relationship, and it doesn't sound to me like either of those things is totally true for you right now. Good luck, hun. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! ETA: I also <strong>don't think the weight issue is a good enough reason to be less attracted to you</strong>, unless maybe you've put on 200 pounds and are morbidly obese. I tend to fluctuate, but <strong>even at my heaviest, BF still peeks at me in the shower and says, "MAN, you're hot</strong>." He's gained some weight since we started dating, too, and, to be honest, is kinda porky around the middle, but you know what? I still love his body and he still makes me CRAZY (you know, in a good, sexyfuntimes way).
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto all of this, particularly the bolded parts. </div><div>
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lmwilber · May 2011

Cate- Love the letter idea. We have tried to talk about this for some time now, but he gets defensive, I feel like I'm not being heard, and then it just turns out bad. I think I need to sit down and journal some thoughts out on my own first. At first I thought it was just that I wanted more sex, but it could be that I want him to want to have more sex with me.
The porn is an issue, I know that guys look at it. Hell, every once and I while I do too. We've watched it together, so I'm not squeamish about it. Its that I feel like I'm not enough because he's not initiating as much. I just need a way to tell him this that makes my insecurity seems rational and adult, not insane. (which seems odd, b/c by definition insecurities are not rational).
CSO- I was on the patch when he and I met, then I had an IUD for a year, but he had an issue with the strings poking him (there would be red marks on his 'head', ouch). So the I had the ring, which became to pricy, so the I went in the pill. I suck at remembering to take a pill every day, and as a result he chose abstinence as our BC form. I was off all BC from 12/10 to 4/11, when I went back on the ring.
To address the weight issue- I honestly asked him if it was an issue. He answered me honestly. Would it have been nicer to hear that it wasn't an issue, sure, but it would have been a lie...when he told me why the weight bothered him he said 1) I bitch about my weight, a lot. 2) I was not doing any thing about it (not using the awesome bike he got me, stopping our daily work outs after two weeks); 3) there was no underlying reason, nothing medical, hormonal, ect. Just lack of movement and love of carbs. He was concerned because my lifestyle was unhealthy, and he didn't want it to get worse. Since he has mentioned it he has been very good about complimenting me, so that I know he still loves me. I know that he didn't enjoy telling me, and that he hated that it hurt me to hear it. But I have to say, knowing that he can be honest with me, and that there is some tangible thing that I can work on to get our sex life back on track, makes me feel better.

Oh, and Jaycee- sorry if my reply seemed defensive. Just kinda over sensitive I guess..

mmhepb · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:bb7b35b3-e87a-4859-8888-4bd340d1a4da">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Impass... : YOUR post almost made ME cry! While I would never want anyone to go through that sort of thing, it feels so good that someone else just understands and that it's not only me/us. We were the exact same as you...had a lull where we did it only about once a month, and now we're back up to 3-4 times a month. <strong>When I read a lot of posts on here I'm like "holy crap we are having the least amount of sex of anyone on here, maybe this ISN'T normal." </strong>So it feels really, really good to feel normal. I'm glad you and BF have been able to communicate about this, too!
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

<div>I would bet there are many having less sex than you because there are at least a few that are having no sex at all... </div><div>But this has been an interesting read, although I have no advice as we are waiting until we are married and trusting God paired us and that the sex will be great!</div>

[Deleted User] · May 2011

FI and I are waiting until we're married, but we both have very similar drives and tastes (from our discussions and what physical intimacy we have shared). we've discovered that we both need some kind of physical intimacy every few days or we get a little irritable. it does sound like there is a deeper issue at the root of the problem. I can imagine how awful it must be to not feel "wanted"... I really hope you both get it worked out really soon!

just curious, but do you know if he feels wanted/attractive?

it sounds like he's experiencing some concern about your lifestyle change (lack of movement, carb-happy, etc.) I know when I'm not exercising and eating right MOST of the time, that I start to feel insecure and a little depressed, which in turn makes me not want to be as physical because I feel bad about myself... which in turn, makes BOTH of us irritable. maybe you could try to ease back into a more active lifestyle... take bike rides together (you mentioned a bike, I think?)... FI and I jog in the evenings together, and it's GREAT!! it's a good time to talk at the end of the day, or just BE with each other... or duck behind some trees when it's dark to make out for a few minutes.

ETA: my FI also reminds me that I've gained a little bit of weight, and that I want to lose it and be healthy... and it's ONLY because I asked him to do that. I need to be accountable ot someone, or I just can't keep motivated. if I'm craving something that I know I don't need, or if I'm about to stress eat, sometimes I'll text him and tell him and he'll remind me that I want to lose the weight, so do I really want that cupcake/brownie/chocolate shake? sometimes I say "no, I don't." and sometimes I say, "yes, I really do want it" and I'll have it. it's nice that he keeps me accountable, even if it's a little uncomfortable sometimes. I do the same thing for him, but he normally just goes ahead and eats whatever it is. it's not quite as effective, haha!

ADTonk · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:8c68b3ae-efdc-4ea2-bcf3-9b8b0f3683c4">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]To address the weight issue- I honestly asked him if it was an issue. He answered me honestly. Would it have been nicer to hear that it wasn't an issue, sure, but it would have been a lie...when he told me why the weight bothered him he said 1) I bitch about my weight, a lot. 2) I was not doing any thing about it (not using the awesome bike he got me, stopping our daily work outs after two weeks); 3) there was no underlying reason, nothing medical, hormonal, ect. Just lack of movement and love of carbs. He was concerned because my lifestyle was unhealthy, and he didn't want it to get worse.
Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

BF is the same way. He is not shy about reminding me that I've gained weight. When we first started dating (when I was about 20 lbs lighter) I made him promise me that he would tell me when I started gaining weight BEFORE it got out of control. It sounds like your weight issues (like mine) are self created and not an unfortunate hormonal imbalance/thyroid/other issue. I am well aware that all 20 lbs are MY fault. I guess my point is that as long as you're okay with the way he approached your weight issue, then he's not a douch like many people would say he is. He's just being honest.

lmwilber · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:e8cb2c79-bdfc-4cf3-8a47-786c394fea57">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]I can relate to you on a lot of this. I'm a lot more experienced than FI. "Vanilla" would be a fair description for him too. When we first got together, we'd be at it 4-5 times/day. And this year has been awful for our sex life. We had a problem with FI's hydrocele which made me have to be really, erm, gentile with him, and which gave me paranoia to the point that I could never get off. Then FI had surgery and we couldn't have sex for a month. Then I had the crazy periods/PCOS drama. So, now we have sex a few times a week. So, my sex life at the moment isn't what I'd wish it to be. Honestly, the best thing you can do is communicate calmly, reasonably, rationally, and NOT point fingers. You BOTH contributed to where you are today. I don't think sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but when someone becomes bitter about it, sex can really destroy a relationship. <strong>Tell your BF that you claim responsibility for X, Y, Z. You're sorry for making him feel like a sex toy. You want to get to a place where you both FULLY enjoy your sex life and are willing to put in any and all work necessary, as long as he is willing to make it work with you.</strong> Be patient. Be calm. It'll be ok. And about the masturbation...pick your battles. <strong>Do you really blame him for wanting to get off, when he is obviously as dissatisfied with your sex life as you are? Is this really a hill you want to die on?</strong>
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Wow Shoes, thanks. I might quote you directly (I'm giving you credit here, as opposed to having to cite you in my letter to BF...how does on bluebook cite sex advice from a message board, anyway.)
And, no, your right I don't want to die on that hill. I just want BF to not turn me down for porn, which is what it feels like. I see now that it is because Ihave not fully owned my portion of where we are right now. i owe him a long letter, that starts with a full throated apology. (And then a BJ that starts the same way <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /> .)

loves2shop4shoes · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:71d03e9b-61c9-4a02-ae60-da5089eb52b8">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Impass... : Wow Shoes, thanks. I might quote you directly (I'm giving you credit here, as opposed to having to cite you in my letter to BF...<strong>how does on bluebook cite sex advice from a message board, anyway</strong>.) And, no, your right I don't want to die on that hill. I just want BF to not turn me down for porn, which is what it feels like. I see now that it is because Ihave not fully owned my portion of where we are right now. i owe him a long letter, that starts with a full throated apology. (And then a BJ that starts the same way .)
Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

Like this

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" /><========8

SKP82 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:538165e5-6358-4dfc-9732-dc753f623c2e">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]ETA: I also don't think the weight issue is a good enough reason to be less attracted to you, unless maybe you've put on 200 pounds and are morbidly obese. I tend to fluctuate, but even at my heaviest, BF still peeks at me in the shower and says, "MAN, you're hot." He's gained some weight since we started dating, too, and, to be honest, is kinda porky around the middle, but you know what? I still love his body and he still makes me CRAZY (you know, in a good, sexyfuntimes way).
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. I have gained probably 40 pounds since I first met BF, but he is still attracted to me. We both know I need to lose weight because it isn't healthy, but he would NEVER say that to me or even imply it. He still calls me sexy, peeks at me in the shower, and takes any chance he can get to see me without a shirt on.

I can't imagine being with someone who said he didn't want to have sex with me because I had gained a little weight. I know my weight will fluctuate many times throughout my life, and my BF needs to find me attractive regardless. What's going to happen if you have children? Will he just not touch you until you get your body back? I honestly think he might be using that as an excuse to not have sex.

I agree with everyone else that you guys need to fix this, and it needs to be fixed sooner rather than later. It sounds like there is a lot more going on than just lack of sex, especially with the way he responds to you (saying it's your fault 'cause you're a b!tch - that is really horrible, btw).

I would take Cate's suggestion and write him a letter if that's how the conversation goes when you bring this situation up.

lmwilber · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:06955d0c-a897-465e-9f5b-99be7c287178">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Impass... : BF is the same way. He is not shy about reminding me that I've gained weight. When we first started dating (when I was about 20 lbs lighter) I made him promise me that he would tell me when I started gaining weight BEFORE it got out of control. It sounds like your weight issues (like mine) are self created and not an unfortunate hormonal imbalance/thyroid/other issue. I am well aware that all 20 lbs are MY fault. I guess my point is that <strong>as long as you're okay with the way he approached your weight issue, then he's not a douch</strong> like many people would say he is. He's just being honest.
Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

I am ok with it. It felt good to have an open conversation about it. he even admitted that its not the weight, as much as it is the bitching and lack of follow through. He likes my natural curves, and called me his favorite pin up girl. So I've decided that my goal weight present to myself is going to be boudoir shots for him. I'll get to show off all of my hard work, and have photographic proof of how sexy I can be. And he gets shots of his favorite girl looking he betty paige best :)

lmwilber · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:fdfc98fb-2073-46f7-bd47-39f25bc0cc96">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Impass... : Like this <========8
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
seriously just LOLed at my desk...

I <3 you Shoes

marleylikeair · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:fdfc98fb-2073-46f7-bd47-39f25bc0cc96">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Impass... : Like this <========8
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

SNORT.

calindi · May 2011

It also sounds like you have a body image issue with your weight. I know that FI hates hearing me say I don't feel sexy and criticize myself because it makes him turn a critical eye to the negatives I'm pointing out. Sure, he notices when I gain weight, but the thing that would turn him off is when I'm portraying a lack of sex appeal (like not wearing make-up, putting on sweats, etc.). When I feel good about how I look, it makes him even more attracted, regardless of whether I'm 5-10 pounds over my target weight. Spend some time working on your weight, but more importantly on your body image. May I recommend poke dancing classes? I've never felt sexier!

lunarsongbird · May 2011

Are there any DVDs for sexy work outs? I'm afraid I'd end up like this pole dancing. LOL

calindi · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_impass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:95f7c9c8-90ae-4979-9f4b-5e71cd008cb9Post:b1cbf550-426f-407c-b96b-58ee6b648263">Re: The Impass...</a>:
[QUOTE]Are there any DVDs for sexy work outs? I'm afraid I'd end up like this pole dancing. LOL
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

I don't know of any, but I'm sure there are. I go to a studio, and there's always "Groupon" type coupons on one of the various 'coupon' websites.

The Impass...

Re: The Impass...

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