My Bridesmaids Bailed and My Wedding Is May...

[Deleted User] · February 2010

I don't know what to do...

My fiance and wanted to have 2 guys and 2 girls. Last week both of my girls let me know that they couldn't or wouldn't make it to my wedding. Frankly, I know you can have an uneven bridal party but having 2 and 0? I do have 2 other girls that I wanted to ask but I feel awful about giving such short notice. I'd be willing to pay for their dresses to make up for the late notice... I don't know. I'm just kind of depressed about thinking of having no one to stand up with me that day.

I'm not upset with either of the girls because I understand their reasons. One got a new military assignment and can't make it and the other would rather be in her cousins wedding the same weekend. As for the other two girls, I had talked to them before I had picked anyone for a BM and told them the only reason I didn't pick them in the first place was because my FI only wanted 2 and 2. So they knew they were wanted in the first place and I made my choice based on proximity, the other two girls live across the country. Anyways, we were all fine with that arrangement.

Anyways, thank you all for the advice and I will definitely take it to heart.

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-bailed-wedding-may?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:67beb9de-23b8-4d46-b028-f76427fcdd0ePost:a431a7c1-c384-4406-b56b-7589936a8909">My Bridesmaids Bailed and My Wedding Is May...</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know what to do... My fiance and wanted to have 2 guys and 2 girls. Last week both of my girls let me know that they couldn't or wouldn't make it to my wedding. Frankly, I know you can have an uneven bridal party but having 2 and 0? I do have 2 other girls that I wanted to ask but I feel awful about giving such short notice. I'd be willing to pay for their dresses to make up for the late notice... I don't know. I'm just kind of depressed about thinking of having no one to stand up with me that day.
Posted by kawehiokalani[/QUOTE]

I would just carry on the way it is. It would be rude to ask someone just to be a place-filler. They would know that they were just replacements.

What is the reason your bridesmaids cannot stand up for you?

gottahavashorti · February 2010

It would be obvious that they're second string. Just having two GM will be fine.

cukimerrydoll · February 2010

Are you close to any of the groomsmen? Maybe one would want to stand on your side!

swim1011 · February 2010

I'm also curious as to why your BMs suddenly decided to change their minds, especially since the wedding is so close. As for the WP, just have one of the guys stand on your side. Problem solved. Don't ask your other friends, they didn't make the cut the first time, so don't ask them now.

jagore08 · February 2010

I know this may seem odd but are you close to your mother? If you don't want either of the GM standing up on your side then ask your mom if she would stand up for you. It's common for the father of the groom to stand up for the groom so why not the MOB?

Huskerfanz · February 2010

I wouldn't replace them either. You could have the groomsmen sit in the front row and then it would just be you and your FI up front with the officiant. Do a sweetheart table at the reception and let the GM sit wherever they want. And, you can still list the BMs in the program. (One of our GM was deployed but we still listed him in the program.)

bablingbrooke · February 2010

What happened?

suz62984 · February 2010

I'm with you jagore. The replacements will know that they are just replacements. Ask your mother to stand with you as MOH. She already has a MOH dress too

mbcdefg · February 2010

Ditto PPs, just go on with the two groomsmen.

I'm also concerned as to why they BOTH dropped out. I think I would be more worried about that than finding replacements. What happened? If it's money, can you pay for their dresses?

megk8oz · February 2010

I'm also curious as to why they both suddenly bailed on you?

Anyway, ditto the PPs, don't get replacements, at this point they'd know they were just spot-fillers ... which cheapens the honor of standing up for you.

CTGirl30 · February 2010

More details, please....what's the reason the original 2 dropped out? Maybe it's something that we can help you think of ways to resolve?

But please don't replace them - that's insulting and anyone you ask now will know they're being asked as place fillers when they didn't make the first cut to be asked months ago. You can certainly still list them in the program as your BMs even if they are unable to attend on the wedding day.

Would your FI be willing to consider the suggestion by Huskerfanz that perhaps his 2 GM sit in the front row so they're still there to support him but it's just the two of you standing up with your officiant for the ceremony?

PolarBearFans · February 2010

I would ask your other two friends to stand up for you, and let them know the situation. May is 3 months from now, maybe your can use this oppurtunity to strentghen your friendships with the 2 other girls!

CTGirl30 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-bailed-wedding-may?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:67beb9de-23b8-4d46-b028-f76427fcdd0ePost:525b388c-3916-492b-ac42-8f40d842265e">Re: My Bridesmaids Bailed and My Wedding Is May...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would ask your other two friends to stand up for you, and let them know the situation. May is 3 months from now, maybe your can use this oppurtunity to strentghen your friendships with the 2 other girls!
Posted by PolarBearFans[/QUOTE]

Mmmm, I don't know about this - the other girls will KNOW they are being asked as replacements...and may wonder why they weren't good enough to be asked the first time around but now are being asked essentially as place fillers. I'd feel pretty crappy if I were one of those girls, actually - like, if you wanted me as a BM why couldn't you have asked when you originally asking people? And now they'll have to budget for a dress, etc - unless OP pays for everything.
Being a BM in a wedding doesn't necessarily strengthen friendships, either - if it's not a close friendship to begin with it won't necessarily morph into BFFs simply because someone is in yoru wedding - ESP if she - again - feels like she was asked to fill a spot rather than asked to be honored as a close friend of the bride.

So I'd think about this carefully...also, I would hope you don't expect the new girls (if you ask) to throw you a shower, bachelorette, etc....

[Deleted User] · February 2010

I'm not upset with either of the girls because I understand their reasons. One got a new military assignment and can't make it and the other would rather be in her cousins wedding the same weekend. As for the other two girls, I had talked to them before I had picked anyone for a BM and told them the only reason I didn't pick them in the first place was because my FI only wanted 2 and 2. So they knew they were wanted in the first place and I made my choice based on proximity, the other two girls live across the country. Anyways, we were all fine with that arrangement.

Anyways, thank you all for the advice and I will definitely take it to heart.

noodle_oo · February 2010

Huh, I think this might be less about balance and more about not having anyone to be with you before the wedding, getting ready, etc. i would be sad also to be alone (or with just my mom). I would want some friends with me to enjoy the day and help with the stress.

So, my feeling is if you are close with your 2 other friends and you think they woudlnt' be insulted, then ask! I would honestly explain the situation and say that you would really appreciate having them with you on the day of the wedding. I know it is probably a faux pas as the PP are saying, but each situation is unique and if you think your friends will understand, then I say do what you feel is right.

Although, I'm also curious why both other girls dropped out. That may change my answer.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-bailed-wedding-may?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:67beb9de-23b8-4d46-b028-f76427fcdd0ePost:e55e6f55-e86e-4e78-b1ed-6e8b13b4b7c5">Re: My Bridesmaids Bailed and My Wedding Is May...</a>:
[QUOTE] As for the other two girls, I had talked to them before I had picked anyone for a BM and told them the only reason I didn't pick them in the first place was because my FI only wanted 2 and 2. So they knew they were wanted in the first place and I made my choice based on proximity, the other two girls live across the country. Anyways, we were all fine with that arrangement. Anyways, thank you all for the advice and I will definitely take it to heart.
Posted by kawehiokalani[/QUOTE]

For future reference, don't tell your friends why they aren't good enough.. ever. Also, don't tell them that they just don't fit your vision because you picked an arbitrary number and/or for the sake of symmetry. This is highly insulting, even if they don't tell you that. Yes, they knew they were wanted, but they also know you value proximity, symmetry, and the number 2 more than you really wanted them up there with you. Don't ask them now. If they weren't insulted before (or didn't tell you), then they probably will be now.

Your WP are not props. There are not arbitrary numbers of spots to fill. They should be the people you couldn't imagine NOT standing next to you on your day. YOu already chose other priorities over them, so you COULD imagine them not standing next to you.

Also, its an insult to your prior BMs to be replaceable in your life.

CTGirl30 · February 2010

I always find it really sad when girls say they didn't ask people they would have liked to have had in their WP due to symmetry. If you'd had 4 BMs and your FI had had his 2 GMs everythign would have still been just fine, I promise.
That's a moot point by now, though. Maybe another girl reading this thread who hasn't yet asked her bridesmaids will read and learn something, though.

Also, Sarah's right - it's not a good idea to let the girls who didn't get asked know WHY. It tells them exactly that - you preferred an arbitrary number over honoring close friends. They may have very well been thrilled to have been asked and happily would have made the trip to be by your side on the wedding day as a BM. Proximity really has nothing to do with it - they can book a flight to be there for your wedding day. No problem. One of the girls on this board is currently residing in Chile and her BMs are in other countries. Not an issue for her.

emilyinchile · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-bailed-wedding-may?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:67beb9de-23b8-4d46-b028-f76427fcdd0ePost:f2459891-9cc4-4c1a-b312-076e3dbfda55">Re: My Bridesmaids Bailed and My Wedding Is May...</a>:
[QUOTE]One of the girls on this board is currently residing in Chile and her BMs are in other countries. Not an issue for her.
Posted by CTGirl30[/QUOTE]

Me, me, it's me!

OP, as others have said, your initial logic was flawed. And honestly, as someone who chose my BMs NOT by proximity (even the one who lives in Chile with me was traveling Europe for the first 3 months of my engagement), it makes me sad that you not only did that but TOLD them that. But ok, that already happened, moving on.

Don't ask them now. Personally if I were in their shoes, I would have told you I understood about the symmetry thing, but really felt hurt and then gotten over it. And if you came back to me now, I would feel like "oh great, NOW I'm good enough for you." I think this is a case of you having already made your choice and now just having to deal with it.

PolarBearFans · February 2010

Like I said before, i think you should ask your other two friends. they will understand. these other people are making too much out of the situation. why should you have zero bridesmaids, nobody to get ready with? your friends understood why you didn't ask them in the first place, you were keeping it small and to simplify things went with the local girls. yes they know they are replacements for those two original girls, but they at least know that you would have had them all along had you and your furture husband wanted a larger wedding party.

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