Your family and SO's family

swhite2012 · December 2011

So my mom is going to be getting together with FI's mom after the holidays to talk about my shower, which they want to host together since we have small families. This will be the first time they will be together "unsupervised" (there's no way I'm getting involved with that...). I'm a little worried because, if you don't know my mom and her sense of humor, she can really come across as a b*tch. And his mom is wayyy overly sensitive and reacts to everything VERY emotionally. I know it's not the end of the world if they don't get along, but it would be nice. My mom also probably has a bias because she's the one I complain to about FMIL...

So, how does your family get along with SO's family? Have they even met? How often do they interact?

elannis · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:1fdae9f2-57b1-4ef5-a520-5fb38ec2e0d7">Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]So my mom is going to be getting together with FI's mom after the holidays to talk about my shower, which they want to host together since we have small families. This will be the first time they will be together "unsupervised" (there's no way I'm getting involved with that...). I'm a little worried because, if you don't know my mom and her sense of humor, she can really come across as a b*tch. And his mom is wayyy overly sensitive and reacts to everything VERY emotionally. I know it's not the end of the world if they don't get along, but it would be nice. My mom also probably has a bias because she's the one I complain to about FMIL... So, how does your family get along with SO's family? Have they even met? How often do they interact?
Posted by swhite2012[/QUOTE]

I can pretty much ditto this, except my mom doesn't really seem b**chy, she just is the type to say what she wants when she feels offended, lol. Otherwise she gets along great with people, but his mom definitely is over sensitive and I do complain about her from time to time to my mom too, lol. I think they'd probably do just fine though because my mom understands FMIL and her insecurities and is excellent at working with people. She's a nurse so she's been exposed to all kinds of people and usually knows how to be around them to create the least amount of friction.

My parents and FMIL have met a few times, but his dad hasn't because he's in Colorado. That's about the only interaction they have. I made my mom email FMIL to invite her to Christmas, but other than that, we've always been around for any interaction between them. (FMIL refuses to accept an invitation to my family events from us (FI and I) because she feels it's a pity invitation).

sugarduck14 · December 2011

Our families have never met. SO's family lives across the country. Makes things convenient sometimes

Sorry you have to deal with this!

nyc1210 · December 2011

My family is drastically different from FI's family. They haven't met yet, and they probably won't until the wedding. My family is very tradtional. They don't drink very often. They don't really curse much. They bought a house when they were young and raised myself and my sister there. FI's family drinks whenever possible. They curse like sailors. They have really crude humor (which I think is hilarious). They all move often. None of them have ever owned a house. They all just rent until they get tired of living there. There are a lot of half brothers and sisters. I love both families. I love my family for obvious reasons, but it's hard to let loose around them. Around FI's family, I can just be myself. I don't have to worry about the three letter curse words coming out. Haha.

I'm hoping the wedding will go smoothly because they both are really excited for us to get married. I'm pretty sure that will override the chances of drama.

I would just give your mom a head's up and give your FMIL a head's up, but try not to worry too much. They're getting together to throw a shower for you, so they'll be focused on that rather than just hanging out. It makes it easier to get along with someone you don't have much in common with whenever you know you don't have to be friends. I hope that makes sense. Haha.

elannis · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:a8aefa3c-c430-40b0-8750-df9a47e68003">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]Our families have never met. SO's family lives across the country. Makes things convenient sometimes ;) Sorry you have to deal with this!
Posted by sugarduck14[/QUOTE]

Sometimes I wish I lived across the country from family, his and mine, lol. I can see how that would be easy. I'd definitely miss them though, especially when we have kids.

swhite2012 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:9ae749d9-e669-4ece-abc4-38a85a48c4d5">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Your family and SO's family : Sometimes I wish I lived across the country from family, his and mine, lol. I can see how that would be easy. I'd definitely miss them though, especially when we have kids.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

<div>This is my feeling exactly. There is so much drama with his family sometimes, I feel like it would just be easier to be further away from them. I know that's kind of a horrible thing to say, but it's just how it is.</div>

kellyt89 · December 2011

My parents and BF's parents met for the first time at graduation this May. My dad and his dad are very easygoing people, but BF's mom is verrrrry Catholic and likes to talk about it ALOT, and can be a little overbearing. I think that they'll get along alright (holidays and potential future wedding plans/kids might cause some issues because we're both only children...) but probably never be BFF's.

I complain about his mom to my mom sometimes...bad me.

Regarding SO's mom, my dad told my mom, "She's nuts...but so are you." This is typical for my parents lol.

Stina51286 · December 2011

Our moms have never been alone together. FMIL is just like you described your FMIL.

My dad has only met FFIL once when we picked up a washer and never FMIL just bc my dads an @$$ like that.

sugarduck14 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:9ae749d9-e669-4ece-abc4-38a85a48c4d5">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Your family and SO's family : Sometimes I wish I lived across the country from family, his and mine, lol. I can see how that would be easy. I'd definitely miss them though, especially when we have kids.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

<div>If SO and I wanted kids, I think I'd feel the exact same way! We travel a lot, so we get to see both families, but it just isn't a life that would be fair to children. Good for you for thinking of things like that :) </div>

Hazel_B · December 2011

Our parents met for the first time in July. I think our parents got along pretty well. It was overwhelming for my parents since in that same weekend they met FI's entire Canadian family as in cousins and aunts and uncles and I think they felt like they were intruding on a family reunion.

Generally, they don't see eachother at all since FI's family is in California and mine is in Canada. Fortunately they didn't have a chance to talk about politics cause that would've been a disaster.

elannis · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:2d0b86f0-c56d-4714-abde-69150675f7ea">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents and BF's parents met for the first time at graduation this May. My dad and his dad are very easygoing people, but BF's mom is verrrrry Catholic and likes to talk about it ALOT, and can be a little overbearing. I think that they'll get along alright (holidays and potential future wedding plans/kids might cause some issues because we're both only children...) but probably never be BFF's.<strong> I complain about his mom to my mom sometimes...bad me</strong>. Regarding SO's mom, my dad told my mom, "She's nuts...but so are you." This is typical for my parents lol.
Posted by kellyt89[/QUOTE]

I know I shouldn't do this either, but sometimes I just feel like venting. I should try to keep it to the boards though because I don't like talking about her to people who are actually involved and then it just gets me all riled up and it's harder to let frustrations go, lol.

polkadot111 · December 2011

They've met. Never alone, but they've met. And everytime they do meet they're sweet to each other.

This holiday season has been a bit of a big giant pain though. My family got Thanksgiving, so we gave his family Christmas. However, his extended familly's party is on Christmas eve and mine is on Christmas day. Perfect because we could attend both! But then... his brother yells at us last night about how we need to spend the WHOLE weekend with them because it's their holiday since my family got Thanksgiving. Umm, no. That is not how it works.

GoldenPenguin · December 2011

Our parents know each other - because we're from the same small hometown. His parents came to my parent's house for a BBQ this summer - our dads hung out & drank beer while our moms played with babies & talked about when we would have them, haha. Both sets of parents are semi-reformed hippies, so they all get along really well.

swhite2012 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:13b782ff-2d20-4887-bfe8-a8ec1a7ccff9">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]They've met. Never alone, but they've met. And everytime they do meet they're sweet to each other. This holiday season has been a bit of a big giant pain though. My family got Thanksgiving, so we gave his family Christmas. However, his extended familly's party is on Christmas eve and mine is on Christmas day. Perfect because we could attend both! But then... his brother yells at us last night about how we need to spend the WHOLE weekend with them because it's their holiday since my family got Thanksgiving. Umm, no. That is not how it works.
Posted by polkadot111[/QUOTE]

<div>Ahhh holidays. They just bring out the best in people. We got lucky this year. FI's mom, dad, and brother are going to be spending Christmas in New York with Grandma and Aunts and Uncles. FI can't get time off around the holidays, so we had an excuse not to go. They won't be back until teh 27th, and we'll do Christmas with them after they get back.</div>

polkadot111 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:ff24d621-dd53-429a-9934-c5e0914d0dc1">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Your family and SO's family : Ahhh holidays. They just bring out the best in people. We got lucky this year. FI's mom, dad, and brother are going to be spending Christmas in New York with Grandma and Aunts and Uncles. FI can't get time off around the holidays, so we had an excuse not to go. They won't be back until teh 27th, and we'll do Christmas with them after they get back.
Posted by swhite2012[/QUOTE]

Lucky! This is seriously the first holiday where it's been an issue. Usually we hear our options and try to evenly split it up. This year we did but evidently it wasn't enough! I think we just have a jealous FBIL and I think they're all coming to terms with the fact that we're getting married in a few months and Jeff won't be around for every SINGLE family thing.

leia1979 · December 2011

My mom and H's mom met for the first time at our wedding. My parents very briefly met H's dad 2.5 years earlier when we moved in, since his dad happened to be in town. I'm not really concerned if they all get a long or not, because with the 2,000 mile distance, they're not exactly going to see each other often. In fact, I have no idea when they will ever see each other again.

thejucheidea · December 2011

Daddy and Tyler's parents get along very well, but I have to set up a specific time and place for them to meet for him to come. He's exactly like me in that he is incredibly shy and uncomfortable when he first meets someone, so he comes across as kind of cold because he won't make eye contact, but he warms up quickly and becomes very friendly. They've only met for my graduation and one time that Tyler and I treated them all to lunch.

My mom doesn't get along with them because she doesn't want to. She seems to have some sort of caste system in her head and doesn't want to be around them because she considers them a lower caste than she is. She's met the mother of my sister's fiance more times and has had holiday meals with her because she was a well-known actress and model way back in the day (Jennifer O'Neil if anyone even knows of her -- I didn't). It's completely uncool

.

wink0erin · December 2011

My parents met BF's mom at my graduation. They all got along really well and talked about how much they liked meeting each other for weeks afterward.

We invited both sets of parents over for dinner after fixing up the house some this fall and that was actually pretty nice. BF and I knew our moms would get along, we were just worried about the dads since they're pretty much opposites. Both sets of parents are asking when we will have another family dinner at the house, so that's good. I dont' know about unsupervised visits though, haha!

elannis · December 2011

I don't think I've ever heard of Jennifer O'Neil nor do I recognize her from her picture on google. I do agree that's unfair of her to do though.

I love that my parents and his mom get along so well, but they've only had very few times of being together alone or for any extended period. I think my dad and I are a lot alike and we would get worn on by FMIL and excuse ourselves for a while, lol. My mom would probably do the opposite and just take charge instead of letting FMIL try to passive agressively control things. But then again, even FI can't handle his mom for long periods of time. We got here Wednesday late night and last night he was already to get away for a while.

I think my mom would probably get on my nerves a bit too if I didn't know how to handle her. FI is still learning with his mom, so that's the struggle there.

ETA: By "handle" I mean handle switching from a child/parent relationship to adult child/parent relationship. I think that transition can be hard sometimes for people, especially like in FMIL's case where she raised him herself and he moved away and she retired in the same year. She was trying to get us to let her drive us to the store because it was raining and she didn't think FI was capable of doing it without getting into an accident.

IrishDreamer · December 2011

BF's parents have met my mom and my stepdad a few times. We all went out to dinner one night, and then my parents came to BF's graduation party.

They've never been unsupervised. My stepdad would be okay, because he's pretty laid back. My mom?? *headdesk* My mom's a handful. She can act like the world's sweetest person one minute, and a raging B!tch the next. Plus her and BF's mom differ GREATLY politically, and that's a huge part of BF's mom's life (being a county commissioner and all).

For the most part it's okay. BF's parents probably won't meet my dad until we end up getting married, due to distance. Unless he decides to come visit.

swhite2012 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:df79bccb-025b-4d1a-8e83-7778eca69fbb">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think I've ever heard of Jennifer O'Neil nor do I recognize her from her picture on google. I do agree that's unfair of her to do though. I love that my parents and his mom get along so well, but they've only had very few times of being together alone or for any extended period. I think my dad and I are a lot alike and we would get worn on by FMIL and excuse ourselves for a while, lol. My mom would probably do the opposite and just take charge instead of letting FMIL try to passive agressively control things. But then again, even FI can't handle his mom for long periods of time. We got here Wednesday late night and last night he was already to get away for a while. I think my mom would probably get on my nerves a bit too if I didn't know how to handle her. FI is still learning with his mom, so that's the struggle there. ETA: By "handle" I mean handle switching from a child/parent relationship to adult child/parent relationship. I think that transition can be hard sometimes for people, especially like in FMIL's case where she raised him herself and he moved away and she retired in the same year. She was trying to get us to let her drive us to the store because it was raining and she didn't think FI was capable of doing it without getting into an accident.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

<div>Our families sound exactly the same. FI and his brother are basically what FMIL lived for, and now that they are adults (almost adult in his brother's case) she is not handling it well. And FI isn't good at mitigating it, and he ends up sounding childish when they fight because she treats him like one.</div>

elannis · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:cc7ebdb2-ff38-489d-a6d9-3de5a0bf7591">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Your family and SO's family : Our families sound exactly the same. FI and his brother are basically what FMIL lived for, and now that they are adults (almost adult in his brother's case) she is not handling it well. And FI isn't good at mitigating it, and he ends up sounding childish when they fight because she treats him like one.
Posted by swhite2012[/QUOTE]

Yeah, FI and his mom do fight. A lot. It has actually gotten better in recent months but she get so offended, so easily too. Usually he just gives her what she wants because it's easier and it keeps her out of his hair, but that's not fair to him and it eventually builds up. He has tried telling her how he feels about how she treats him, but she just lays the guilt trip down. He's getting better at "handling" her, but he still has a ways to go. I've never been one for confrontation either, but I don't let her push me around like she does him. I imagine it's hard to retire and have your only son (only close family) move away at the same time, but it's not healthy for either of them if she keeps clinging to him like she does.

She's a good reason, and my cousin is too, that I don't want to make my entire life about my kids. They're important and I will love them more than anything, but so is your spouse, other interests and you can't live through your kids your whole life. It's not the natural order of things.

cu97tiger · December 2011

Polo - is this the same BIL that was giving you a hard time about your birthday weekend? If so, what a pain in the butt!

ahstillwell - I looked her up on wikipedia. I don't recognize her, but I find it interesting that she's been married and divorced NINE times!!

My mom and FIs mom are like two peas in a pod. To the point that the first time they met, about 20 minutes into the meal, I see my mother just STARING at his mom as she digs through her purse. I called her out on it, and it turns out that they have THE SAME PURSE, so my mom thought his mom was digging through her purse.

Anyway, FIs stepdad is kooky and kind of tough to be around for any length of time. He's nice enough, and my parents are laid back, so everyone gets along fine. I feel very lucky.

polkadot111 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:9ad62b24-ffce-46d0-993d-05eea91dc999">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]P<strong>olo - is this the same BIL that was giving you a hard time about your birthday weekend? If so, what a pain in the butt!</strong> ahstillwell - I looked her up on wikipedia. I don't recognize her, but I find it interesting that she's been married and divorced NINE times!! My mom and FIs mom are like two peas in a pod. To the point that the first time they met, about 20 minutes into the meal, I see my mother just STARING at his mom as she digs through her purse. I called her out on it, and it turns out that they have THE SAME PURSE, so my mom thought his mom was digging through her purse. Anyway, FIs stepdad is kooky and kind of tough to be around for any length of time. He's nice enough, and my parents are laid back, so everyone gets along fine. I feel very lucky.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think you are talking to me. lol. I'm polka not polo. haha. </div><div>
</div><div>Yep, same brother. A real gem!

</div>

jaycee7389 · December 2011

Our moms are like long lost BFFs. They text and call each other a decent amount, and when they get together they spend the whole time chit chatting.

Our dads get along/like each other as well, but haven't been around each other as much as our moms who have because of WR stuff. They are both really funny, but their sense of humor makes me nervous at times. Luckily, because they are both a little "different" in that respect, it has worked out well.

thejucheidea · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8ed1a8f1-992e-4395-950e-61246d30fc4fPost:9ad62b24-ffce-46d0-993d-05eea91dc999">Re: Your family and SO's family</a>:
[QUOTE]ahstillwell - I looked her up on wikipedia. I don't recognize her, but I find it interesting that she's been married and divorced NINE times!!
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]
I KNOW. The winner himself has been engaged three times (not including my sister), married once before and has a kid from a relationship that was neither an engagement nor the marriage. It's just a mess :|.

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