Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP

MrsHamilton2b · November 2010

I am new at this, but I need advice, or opinons on what I should do, or if this is right. My FH and I had a disagreement last night about one of my bridesmaids. He no longer wants her in the wedding, because of things she said when we split up. He also believes she is the girl, who always makes you think of the problems in a relationship, and I agree it seems like everytime I talk to her, we end up having some sort of disagreement. I am not sure if it is a good idea for me to tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid, and if so, I am not sure how to do it?

baystateapple · November 2010

You can only "demote" a bridesmaid if you want to sever ties with her completely. There is no "nice" way to tell someone you don't think she deserves to stand up for you at your wedding. You do this, you're saying goodbye to her as a friend. If you're comfortable with losing her friendship, by all means, kick her out.

But be aware: there is no way you're going to come out of this looking good. Even if you feel she deserves it, even if you ARE comfortable with never being her friend anymore, you're still going to look like a bridezilla. Just a forewarning.

mkrupar · November 2010

Do you still want to be friends with this girl? Look at the relationship outside of the context of the wedding. If the wedding wasn't happening would you still want to be friends with her? If the answer is no, then end the friendship and the wedding part will take care of itself. If you kick her out you're ending the friendship. Baystate is right there's no graceful way to do this. You will come off looking like a bad person. So, is what she's doing really enough to end the friendship?

MyNameIsNot · November 2010

The fact that your FI controls your friendships is more than a little disconcerting.

You cannot kick her out of your wedding. (Nor can you demote her; she's not an employee or serving in the military.) If you try to kick her out, you look like an ass, both to her and to anyone else that knows what happened. You end your friendship, and not civilly, and your other friends get the message that they are expendable props.

If you are really finished with her, end the friendship. Her involvement in your wedding will end as a result. But do it because YOU want to, not because your FI thinks you should.

MrsHamilton2b · November 2010

Thanks. I understand that if I kick her out of the wedding party, it will ruin our friendship, that is why I am so torn. My FH does not control my friendships, but its not a secret that everytime I talk to her, I get a doubt in my head about him or us, or even myself, and we end up arguing. The sad thing is, its gotton worse since I have been engaged.

tidetravel · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:ef7d751e-1510-4e6b-9076-e1d1145aa722">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks. I understand that if I kick her out of the wedding party, it will ruin our friendship, that is why I am so torn. My FH does not control my friendships, <strong>but its not a secret that everytime I talk to her, I get a doubt in my head about him or us, </strong>or even myself, and we end up arguing. The sad thing is, its gotton worse since I have been engaged.
Posted by MrsHamilton2b[/QUOTE]
If you are the one having doubts about your relationship, then that's on you, not your friend. If she's bringing up enough valid points that make you question the engagement, then perhaps you should listen to her, and to the voice in the back of your head.

tldh · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:6b43f45c-d922-4c30-a300-545ca790ccdb">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]The fact that your FI controls your friendships is more than a little disconcerting. You cannot kick her out of your wedding. (Nor can you demote her; she's not an employee or serving in the military.) If you try to kick her out, you look like an ass, both to her and to anyone else that knows what happened. You end your friendship, and not civilly, and your other friends get the message that they are expendable props. If you are really finished with her, end the friendship. Her involvement in your wedding will end as a result. But do it because YOU want to, not because your FI thinks you should.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

It doesn't sound like he's controlling her friendships. DH and I broke up for a couple of years after we first started dating. I had three best friends at the time. #1 (OOT) Just let me talk and told me that I was fabulous. #2 Took me out to do things to get my mind off him. #3 Joined me in trashing him every single night for a year.

When DH and I managed to work our way through our problems as friends for a couple of years and then started dating eachother again, here were the reactions. Friend #1 said, "Okay. I trust your judgement." #2 met us out for drinks and appetizers. As soon as I was out of earshot she rounded on DH and told him, "I like you. I always have. But I love Tricia. She's a second sister to me." Neither ever told me the rest of the conversation but they enjoy eachother's company and always ask how the other is doing when I talk to Friend #2. #3's reaction was, "Are you out of your mind??"

Friend #3 froze me out and decided not to return any e.mails or phone calls after that. To be honest though, after the things she said, I wouldn't have wanted her near DH and probably would have ended the friendship anyway because of how negative she is about functional relationships (she's a drama queen).

He, however, has no idea what she said. All I ever told him was that Friend #3 wasn't happy about us getting back together and decided to end the friendship.

How, may I ask OP, does DH know that she was trashing him while you were broken up?

MyNameIsNot · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:ecfa3f17-d565-444b-9238-81084f07ff32">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP : It doesn't sound like he's controlling her friendships. DH and I broke up for a couple of years after we first started dating. I had three best friends at the time. #1 (OOT) Just let me talk and told me that I was fabulous. #2 Took me out to do things to get my mind off him. #3 Joined me in trashing him every single night for a year. When DH and I managed to work our way through our problems as friends for a couple of years and then started dating eachother again, here were the reactions. Friend #1 said, "Okay. I trust your judgement." #2 met us out for drinks and appetizers. As soon as I was out of earshot she rounded on DH and told him, "I like you. I always have. But I love Tricia. She's a second sister to me." Neither ever told me the rest of the conversation but they enjoy eachother's company and always ask how the other is doing when I talk to Friend #2. #3's reaction was, "Are you out of your mind??" Friend #3 froze me out and decided not to return any e.mails or phone calls after that. To be honest though, after the things she said, I wouldn't have wanted her near DH and probably would have ended the friendship anyway because of how negative she is about functional relationships (she's a drama queen). He, however, has no idea what she said. All I ever told him was that Friend #3 wasn't happy about us getting back together and decided to end the friendship. How, may I ask OP, does DH know that she was trashing him while you were broken up?
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I certainly understand your situation, but it is different than what the OP is saying. I don't see anywhere where your relationship with #3 ended because your DH told you to. Quite the opposite, it appears that she is the one who split. </div><div>
</div><div>OP is saying that her FI told her this person shouldn't be in the wedding anymore, so now she wants to kick her out. She's saying that every time she hangs out with the friend, she gets doubts about her relationship. </div><div>
</div><div>It sounds like her FI is pulling the "bad influence" card on him.</div><div>
</div>

sister2groom · November 2010

What do other people think about this girl?

tldh · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:ab8f3e20-508c-4b2b-a4db-2ec73b4ff599">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP : I certainly understand your situation, but it is different than what the OP is saying. I don't see anywhere where your relationship with #3 ended because your DH told you to. Quite the opposite, it appears that she is the one who split. OP is saying that her FI told her this person shouldn't be in the wedding anymore, so now she wants to kick her out. She's saying that every time she hangs out with the friend, she gets doubts about her relationship. It sounds like her FI is pulling the "bad influence" card on him.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

I don't think our situations are that different; the friendships just went down different paths. Believe me. If DH knew the things that this girl said about him and she and I were still friends, he would have had a huge problem with her as a BM also. This former BFF is what I call a toxic person. She points out the negative in every situation and is so convincing that you begin to see things her way. It's not intentional. She honestly believes that she is helping you when she does this.

LD1970 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:834d14f2-d52b-4335-831e-af1c0b0fde36">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP : If you are the one having doubts about your relationship, then that's on you, not your friend. If she's bringing up enough valid points that make you question the engagement, then perhaps you should listen to her, and to the voice in the back of your head.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
Agreed, I thought this too. People can say anything about my relationship and it won't make me have any doubts. The fact that your friend's statements CAN give you doubts should concern you. Forget about the wedding hype for a minute. Forget about wanting to be engaged. Step back and take a long, hard look at your relationship and make sure you should be marrying this guy.

AutumnFair · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:ef7d751e-1510-4e6b-9076-e1d1145aa722">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks. I understand that if I kick her out of the wedding party, it will ruin our friendship, that is why I am so torn. My FH does not control my friendships, but its not a secret that everytime I talk to her, I get a doubt in my head about him or us, or even myself, and we end up arguing. The sad thing is, its gotton worse since I have been engaged.
Posted by MrsHamilton2b[/QUOTE]

<div>To me your original statement and this makes me think you have a red flag with your FI. If he is trying to make you push your friend away because she might be speaking some kind of truth then <strong><em>that is</em></strong> a <strong>controlling issue</strong>. Also he DOES NOT get a say in your side of the WP, so he needs to butt out.</div><div>
</div><div>So you know the choice vs consequences, you can kick her out but expect it to severely hurt (or end) the friendship, make you AND your FI look very bad to other people because the reasoning you given does <em>not </em>a justifiable one to kick her out. My advice, do not do it, tell your FI to butt out, and maybe take a step back and think deeply if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who wants you to cut your friends because he doesn't like them. </div>

tldh · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:8f8e1185-a5c0-4de4-b56d-33fae26045bf">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]1) Your FI has absolutely no say in this whatsoever. None. Nada. Zip. 2) You need to deal with the friendship issue. You need to talk to her as a bridesmaid not as a bride threatening a "demotion". Do that, and I'm sure it will be clear whether you want to remain friends with her. But FI really does need to butt out and <strong>if you're the one who told him all the horrible things she said about him, then that was pretty poor form on your part. How did you expect him to react any differently?
</strong>Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

This is exactly why I asked how he knows what the friend said about him. If he knows because she told him, it goes beyond poor form and into the realm of pure stupidity.

The only two people who know what goes on in a relationship are the two people in it. Friends, family and the rest of the world form their opinions based on what you choose to let them know and this is always a skewed view.

OP, if you and your FI have really worked out the issues that caused you to break up and you are 100% sure about this then you're not going to care what anyone else thinks and their opinion isn't going to matter. DH and I broke up because of immaturity on both our parts (nothing bad like cheating; we just didn't realize what we had). It took me years to admit to myself that it wasn't all his fault. I will also tell you that we talked as friends for about three years after the breakup (while dating other people) dated for a year and were engaged for nine months after that before getting married.

MrsHamilton2b · November 2010

Him and her get along fine. Its not because they dont like each other, because we can and do all get together and hang, she also comes and stay at our place sometiems as well.

She is the friend who is there to listen, to hang out, to do anything. However even before the split up she did the same thing, she does that no matter who I am with. She say things like oh he has kids how trashy to be with a guy with kids, but that is cool you can do it because I can't. It doesnt matter to me, yet at the same time its like wow is she saying I am trashy for being with him, or is she saying I am a good person for dealing with it. Or she goes through these 21 questions (kinda like an interrigation) like he did that, this, why, omg I would never put up with that. when its as simple as me trusting him to go out with his friends while I hang out with mine. Or I would never trust him. It makes me think am I being too trusting in my relationship, or should I say this or say that. Its more of a doubt of myself if I am doing things right...if that makes any since.

He found out because when we split up she apparently was talking to one of his friends about it. She called me and told me what he supposedly told his friend. However his friend told him she heard it from someone else. So basically he say she say, and it ends up she is the middle person.

Yea I def would never tell him things she or any of my friend said during our split, because I do agree you are setting yourself up for disaster. This is more of small town he say she say drama........and the fact that we tend to disagree more time than not after I have talks with her kinda adds to the fire.

I really dont want to demote her, or kick her out, and I am sure he was just saying that out of fustration and anger, because the things said were pretty slanderous. But I think I will have to talk to her about how I feel.

tldh · November 2010

Your friend sounds like a toxic drama queen and her effect on your relationship with FI will not improve after the two of you are married. Take the situation completely out of the context of your wedding. Do you really want her as a friend knowing how she affects your relationship with your FI?

Also, do any of your other friends or family have a problem with your and FI's relationship? If they do, I'd take a long hard look at it. If they don't, I'd probably end the friendship. I can tell you that I'm a lot happier without the toxic drama queen in my life.

bablingbrooke · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:baf2fc62-80ce-49cd-ab66-070a41de7337">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Him and her get along fine. Its not because they dont like each other, because we can and do all get together and hang, she also comes and stay at our place sometiems as well. She is the friend who is there to listen, to hang out, to do anything. However even before the split up she did the same thing, she does that no matter who I am with. She say things like oh he has kids how trashy to be with a guy with kids, but that is cool you can do it because I can't. It doesnt matter to me, yet at the same time its like wow is she saying I am trashy for being with him, or is she saying I am a good person for dealing with it. Or she goes through these 21 questions (kinda like an interrigation) like he did that, this, why, omg I would never put up with that. when its as simple as me trusting him to go out with his friends while I hang out with mine. Or I would never trust him. It makes me think am I being too trusting in my relationship, or should I say this or say that. Its more of a doubt of myself if I am doing things right...if that makes any since. He found out because when we split up she apparently was talking to one of his friends about it. She called me and told me what he supposedly told his friend. However his friend told him she heard it from someone else. So basically he say she say, and it ends up she is the middle person. Yea I def would never tell him things she or any of my friend said during our split, because I do agree you are setting yourself up for disaster. This is more of small town he say she say drama........and the fact that we tend to disagree more time than not after I have talks with her kinda adds to the fire. <strong>I really dont want to demote her, or kick her out, and I am sure he was just saying that out of fustration and anger, because the things said were pretty slanderous. But I think I will have to talk to her about how I feel.</strong>
Posted by MrsHamilton2b[/QUOTE]<div>I think that is an EXCELLENT course of action. Best of luck.

</div>

MrsHamilton2b · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:9618c03c-6521-482c-a79d-6309e5151265">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP : I think that is an EXCELLENT course of action. Best of luck.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Thanks!!

MrsHamilton2b · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:c14c78bf-ca3a-4596-b995-6c072da87173">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Your friend sounds like a toxic drama queen and her effect on your relationship with FI will not improve after the two of you are married. Take the situation completely out of the context of your wedding. Do you really want her as a friend knowing how she affects your relationship with your FI? Also, do any of your other friends or family have a problem with your and FI's relationship? If they do, I'd take a long hard look at it. If they don't, I'd probably end the friendship. I can tell you that I'm a lot happier without the toxic drama queen in my life.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

Thank You!! You are right, but its still a very hard decision to make. but in the end everything will work out how its suppose to.

lalap69 · November 2010

I wouldn't remove her as a bridesmaids. I wouldn't bring the wedding into this at all. Talk to your friend and deal with it from there as a friendship issue. Once you make it about the wedding, you're stepping into bridezilla territory, and I know that's not where you want to be.

mattycam · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaidhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed05aff8-2100-4b81-a315-23f7e537bf5fPost:baf2fc62-80ce-49cd-ab66-070a41de7337">Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Him and her get along fine. Its not because they dont like each other, because we can and do all get together and hang, she also comes and stay at our place sometiems as well. She is the friend who is there to listen, to hang out, to do anything. <strong>However even before the split up she did the same thing, she does that no matter who I am with.</strong> <strong>She say things like oh he has kids how trashy to be with a guy with kids, but that is cool you can do it because I can't</strong>. It doesnt matter to me, yet at the same time its like wow is she saying I am trashy for being with him, or is she saying I am a good person for dealing with it.<strong> Or she goes through these 21 questions (kinda like an interrigation) like he did that, this, why, omg I would never put up with that.</strong> when its as simple as me trusting him to go out with his friends while I hang out with mine. Or I would never trust him. It makes me think am I being too trusting in my relationship, or should I say this or say that. Its more of a doubt of myself if I am doing things right...if that makes any since. <strong>He found out because when we split up she apparently was talking to one of his friends about it.</strong> She called me and told me what he supposedly told his friend. However his friend told him she heard it from someone else. So basically he say she say, and it ends up she is the middle person. Yea I def would never tell him things she or any of my friend said during our split, because I do agree you are setting yourself up for disaster. This is more of small town he say she say drama........and the fact that we tend to disagree more time than not after I have talks with her kinda adds to the fire. <strong>I really dont want to demote her, or kick her out, and I am sure he was just saying that out of fustration and anger, because the things said were pretty slanderous</strong>. <strong>But I think I will have to talk to her about how I feel.
</strong>Posted by MrsHamilton2b[/QUOTE]

I hope you, your friend and FI are able to come to a resolution. It seems like there already is a lot of damage done and during this time leading up to your wedding, if things are really heated between you BM and your FI, it's not going to get better after the wedding. I don't mean to add fuel to the fire, but based on the items that I bolded, is it possible that she could be jealous of you? I think you are a bit in the wrong because if you know she is a negative person, why do you keep feeding her information that she can use against you and your FI? I say this because you mentioned when you and your FI broke up she went and gossiped about it to his friend?!

To be honest, I wouldn't kick her out of the wedding but after the wedding I would probably distance myself from her or anyone who spoke negatively about myself or husband if I want my marriage to last.

All the best.

Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP

Re: Demoting a bridesmaid......HELP

Choose Another Board

Search Boards