Convalidaiton question

NariaD · February 2013

I've lurked for awhile, and I know that convalidation is a hot button issue around these parts.

DH and I were married overseas in August '11 after my father was diagnosed with cancer the month before. It was important to me to have my father present at my wedding, and we knew that we would not be able to get through pre cana in time, along with RCIA for my husband (he was baptized in the church, but then his parents left when he was 2). It was an intimate ceremony (parents, a couple of aunts and uncles, and our two best friends).

DH is being confirmed at Easter, and we have started talking about convalidation. As we are TTC currently, it is important to both of us for our union to be recognized by the church, and for us to celebrate our wedding.

I have NO qualms with maintaining seperate bedrooms or abstaining for several months while we prepare for convalidation. After my father's death this past august, I struggled with my faith. Since Christmas, I have begun to attend mass regularly again, spoken with the priest at my home parish, and attended confession. It has been a journey, but my faith now feels stronger than it ever was before.

Back to the topic of my question though. We have made many good friends both at our new parish, and in the community we moved to a few years ago. I know convalidations are normally low-key events, and in no way do I want this to be a "do over" or "pretty princess day", but would it be crass to invite our family and CLOSE friends who were unable to make it to our civil ceremony overseas in addition to our parish family who would be attending anyway? I'm thinking it would be less than 50 people total. Any sort of "reception" would be low key- probably dinner at one of our favorite local restaurants.

Advice? Suggestions? Feel free to bash me for being a lapsed Catholic and choosing my wedding day over my faith- Lord knows my extended family flogged me for it. The decision was made, I don't regret having my father at my wedding, but I do regret not trying harder to find a priest to expedite everything. When your parent is diagnosed with cancer, rational decision-making goes out the window.

agapecarrie · February 2013

If you've lurked around here, (catholic weddings) then you would know we don't bash people as you suggested.

Just to clarify, your civil wedding wasn't a wedding. The governement has no power over catholics to actually marry them. Your convalidation IS your actual wedding. I think its great that you have separate bedrooms and are treating it like it is.

So since its your actual wedding, it would be fine to have a celebration. Some priests may encourage low key, due to the idea that a couple is already living like they are married. Since you aren't, even more reason to celebrate.

Glad you're back in the church.

NariaD · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_convalidaiton-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:87f2156c-d50a-4209-8058-385ea2ccf642Post:ceca50a9-996f-4c3f-8766-82f11f6ccfa1">Re: Convalidaiton question</a>:
[QUOTE]If you've lurked around here, (catholic weddings) then you would know we don't bash people as you suggested. Just to clarify, your civil wedding wasn't a wedding. The governement has no power over catholics to actually marry them. Your convalidation IS your actual wedding. I think its great that you have separate bedrooms and are treating it like it is. So since its your actual wedding, it would be fine to have a celebration. Some priests may encourage low key, due to the idea that a couple is already living like they are married. Since you aren't, even more reason to celebrate. Glad you're back in the church.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

<div>It feels good to be back. I'll be honest- I was angry with God for a LONG time after my dad was diagnosed, and ESPECIALLY after he died. Many a weekend were spent shouting "He did everything right. He attended daily mass. He had a servant's heart. He was the most selfless man I ever met. Why DID YOU NOT ANSWER OUR PRAYESR GOD??!??!?" </div><div>
</div><div>My priest at my home parish told me two things when I shared my feelings the week after my dad's funeral.

1) "Perhaps God didn't answer your prayers becuase he answered your father's instead." It hit me SO hard that day that by the end, my dad did not WANT to live. He wanted to go home and live in paradise.

2) "It's ok to be mad at God. Everyone fights with their parents from time to time. God's a big guy, he can handle it." </div>

meltoine · February 2013

Welcome back! I think your plans for a con validation sound lovely, and if I were one of your friends, I'd be honored to attend. We were civilly "married" in a ceremony at a local judge's office with only our parents and siblings in attendance because my husband's job was transferred overseas and we needed to be married for me to be allowed to go with him. Our Catholic wedding was already planned, but he was supposed to move three weeks afterwards and if we waited for the legal stuff until then, we would have spent our first year or more of marriage on opposite ends of the Earth, with me waiting for paperwork. We talked it over long and hard with our priest and he was actually the one who suggested a civil ceremony and then the convalidation. The topic of having two "weddings" is a hot one on TK in general, and can get animated even on this board when a bride whats to have a picturesque beach wedding but also be married by a priest, because in that circumstance it's pure selfishness motivating the couple to seek a convalidation, or really to create the need for one in the first place. I think wanting to give your dying dad the opportunity to see his little girl get married falls into a different realm. This coming from someone whose dad passed away before I got married. I would have loved to give him that before he died, and I'm glad for you that you were able.

Resa77 · February 2013

Your convalidation IS your wedding, so there's nothing tacky about inviting your loved ones to celebrate I have been to a convalidation ceremony and reception, and it was an absolutely beautiful and joyous occassion.

Calypso1977 · February 2013

i think what you have planned is fine. this is technically your real wedding so its fine to have as many there as you'd like.

for me, "low key" pertains not as much to the #'s of people there but more to what you are doing for the celebration aspect. 100 people with a simple luncheon is more appropriate than 20 people with bridesmaids, first dances, etc.

im sorry about your father. i lost mine in '99 and i know how hard it is. but i think what your priest said to you makes sense. my dad was totally at peace and not afraid to die. he had spent his life preparing for the afterlife and he was ready and willing to go. he of course worried for those he was leaving behind, but he was not worried abotu himself. it sounds like your dad was probably in a similar place.

NariaD · February 2013

The only people we are having "stand up" for us are our siblings, and our two best (Catholic) friends. The Best Man and Maid of Honor are those two who coincidentally traveled for our civil ceremony.

monkeysip · February 2013

Ditto to all the pps, and congrats! It's so great that your husband is being confirmed, and you both will have your married convalidated! You'll both feel so blessed to be in communion with the Church and have a sacramental marriage!

Ciardasully · February 2013

I have nothing to add but welcome back!

tally7 · February 2013

I think you should do what you want - by the way we had a civil ceremony then months later the catholic wedding - they didnt consider it a convalidation it was a wedding. Also as far as the abstaining that is totally up to you

agapecarrie · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_convalidaiton-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:87f2156c-d50a-4209-8058-385ea2ccf642Post:0c8697c9-7fcc-4df7-9b7a-d6e654b55e5e">Re: Convalidaiton question</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should do what you want - by the way we had a civil ceremony then months later the catholic wedding - they didnt consider it a convalidation it was a wedding. Also as far as the abstaining that is totally up to you
Posted by tally7[/QUOTE]

<div>A convalidation IS a wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>It's called a convalidation for Catholics because the Priest is not acting on the legal aspects. It's called that so there is no expectation of any legal paperwork. </div><div>
</div><div>The marriage is being validated in the church "along with=con" the civil marriage.</div><div>
</div><div>THe abstaining is most certainly NOT up to her. She is not validly married. Sex before marriage is wrong. </div>

beachwed10 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_convalidaiton-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:87f2156c-d50a-4209-8058-385ea2ccf642Post:a49de52b-abe5-4d13-8ace-6b40096a9e9a">Re: Convalidaiton question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Convalidaiton question : A convalidation IS a wedding. It's called a convalidation for Catholics because the Priest is not acting on the legal aspects. It's called that so there is no expectation of any legal paperwork. The marriage is being validated in the church "along with=con" the civil marriage. THe abstaining is most certainly NOT up to her. She is not validly married. Sex before marriage is wrong.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

Oh boy.

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