Destination Weddings Discussions

What are you doing about plus 1's?

My fiance and I are trying to figure out who we should extend a plus one to and who should not get one. We were thinking that criteria should be that you need to either be married, living together or dating for more than a year to be extended a "plus one." Especially, if they have other friends attending that they can stay with. 

If person hasn't beeng dating someone for a considerable amount of time and doesn't know anyone else attending we would allow that person to bring a guest so he/she would be comfortable and have someone to stay with.

I know some people say "the least you can do is let them is bring someone since they are traveling so far" but that "the least you can do..." phrase can be applied to almost any aspect of the wedding and always involves the couple spending even more money. Besides nobody is forcing these people to attend. They can always decline the invitation and we would be fine with that. 

But we figured as long as they are friends with atleast one other person already on the guest list and/or can stay with someone else there is no reason to extend a plus one. 

I've heard of other brides saying they can have plus ones but excluding the "plus one" from the reception. I don't think I could do that because I would feel bad having them partake in all these festivities with us but then kick them out for the reception. 

I know others are telling guests they can bring a plus one and have them use the group rate but tell them their ability to attend the reception depends on how many people on the guest list decline. 

So how are we dealing with plus ones? Where are you drawing the line? Are you allowing everyone to bring one? Are you allowing everyone to take advantage of the group rates?


ETA: I am not judging the seriousness of a relationship based on length. I just need to find a way to draw the line. My fiance and I were very serious at 3 months so I know length doesn't always reflect the intensity of the relationship.


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Re: What are you doing about plus 1's?

  • kimmykupcakeskimmykupcakes member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited June 2012
    We didn't do any plus ones. If someone's married or in a commited relatonship, you would put their significant other's name on the invitation, not give them a plus 1.
  • Anyone with a SO should have an invite extended to them and their SO, regardless of how long they have been together.  Even if I knew other people at the wedding, I wouldn't travel without mine, even when we were dating.  We got serious very early on and I don't think you can put a time limit on how long it takes to be in a serious relationship.  If I had reecived an invite to a wedding without DH when we were just boyfriend/girlfriend, I wouldn't have been happy going without him even if I did know other people.  

    We didn't extend plus one's to anyone who wasn't dating someone though.  But I did tell a few friends that if they did start dating someone and wanted to bring them, they were welcome to of course.  

  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_what-are-you-doing-about-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:54Discussion:1c143b0e-ae37-4cdd-9aff-109b6b660a5dPost:c1bc5c58-b15e-4ed7-9133-b0953c88ca36">Re: What are you doing about plus 1's?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Anyone with a SO should have an invite extended to them and their SO, regardless of how long they have been together.  Even if I knew other people at the wedding, I wouldn't travel without mine, even when we were dating.  We got serious very early on and I don't think you can put a time limit on how long it takes to be in a serious relationship.  If I had reecived an invite to a wedding without DH when we were just boyfriend/girlfriend, I wouldn't have been happy going without him even if I did know other people.   We didn't extend plus one's to anyone who wasn't dating someone though.  But I did tell a few friends that if they did start dating someone and wanted to bring them, they were welcome to of course.  
    Posted by kje_[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks for your response. I should have rephased my original post. First of all, married guests are traveling with their spouse and already part of the guest list. We are not asking any married couples to travel alone. </div><div>
    </div><div>And while I agree that, you can't determing the intensity of a relationship based on a time period, we simply cannot afford to have every single (unmarried) person travel with a guest. I wish we could but we can't. So that's why I'm trying to figure out where to draw the line. I think of the time limit as the equivolant of people making an A list, B list, and C list when determing who to invite to your wedding. You never want to "rank" your friends or families but in these cases it makes it that much easier. </div><div>
    </div><div>And I may be wrong in thinking this, but if you are not married or engaged I don't think it should be a problem traveling without him/her as long as you know other people. People single and married travel without their SO's all the time. </div><div>
    </div><div>Regardless, we completely understand if people cannot attend for this reason or another. </div>
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  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_what-are-you-doing-about-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:54Discussion:1c143b0e-ae37-4cdd-9aff-109b6b660a5dPost:c69a7d0a-789b-4112-ba4c-19533bb58df2">Re: What are you doing about plus 1's?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We didn't do any plus ones. If someone's married or in a commited relatonship, you would put their significant other's name on the invitation, not give them a plus 1.
    Posted by kimmykupcakes[/QUOTE]

    <div>And what about single guests not in a relationship? You didn't extend a guest to them? Or did you not have any single guests traveling?</div><div>
    </div><div>Reading responses made me realize I wrote my original post all wrong. Married couples have their name on the invitation and other committed couples have their name on the invite. However, there are some freinds that just started dating their SO last month or fairly recently. So recent that it's not even sure if they are committed or not. Yet, they already have other single friends they can travel wit or stay with. Do you extend a plus one to that person too?</div><div>
    </div><div>Thank you so much for your feedback. It's truly appreciated. The ladies on here a truly amazing!</div>
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  • I would probably allow everyone to bring their SO. But I would not be okay with it if it was a friend (my FSIL is bringing her friend to our wedding...grrr). Just put on the invite the person's name + the person they are dating or married to. If they are not dating anyone just put their name on the invite.
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  • jtolyjtoly member
    2500 Comments
    I agree with Kendra, if my DH (boyfriend at the time) got an invite to a friends wedding when we were just dating I would be very upset by that. We also got very serious early in our relationship but didn't get engaged until 3 years later. I would think that person didn't respect me as his girlfriend. I also agree with Erin, if the plus 1 was just a friend, I would not allow that but a girlfriend or boyfriend, I feel, is different, esp if the person is an adult. My cousin did this to me. He invited me without inviting my boyfriend at the time. I was very hurt and upset by this so I declined the invite. My sister did the same as well. As an adult, we felt that our boyfriends should've been invited. I know it's hard to keep the guest list to what you can afford but I think if you aren't going to extend the invite to peoples SO, you may end up with hard feelings. I personally would not invite anyone if I couldn't afford to extend the invite to their gf or bf.
    ~jenn~ Photobucket Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_what-are-you-doing-about-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:54Discussion:1c143b0e-ae37-4cdd-9aff-109b6b660a5dPost:ef6e9ca2-1506-451c-a7cd-1359ec9d71e0">Re: What are you doing about plus 1's?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with Kendra, if my DH (boyfriend at the time) got an invite to a friends wedding when we were just dating I would be very upset by that. We also got very serious early in our relationship but didn't get engaged until 3 years later. I would think that person didn't respect me as his girlfriend. I also agree with Erin, if the plus 1 was just a friend, I would not allow that but a girlfriend or boyfriend, I feel, is different, esp if the person is an adult. My cousin did this to me. He invited me without inviting my boyfriend at the time. I was very hurt and upset by this so I declined the invite. My sister did the same as well. As an adult, we felt that our boyfriends should've been invited. I know it's hard to keep the guest list to what you can afford but I think if you aren't going to extend the invite to peoples SO, you may end up with hard feelings. I personally would not invite anyone if I couldn't afford to extend the invite to their gf or bf.
    Posted by jtoly[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm really appreciating all these different perspectives. I just think of it differently because I've been invited to several wedding without my then boyfriend no fiance and I don't take it personal at all. I don't think of it as no one taking me seriously, I just take it as they just have to make a cut somewhere and it just had to be with me for whatever reason. I thought of it as it's their day, so just go with the flow and make it as easy for that person as possible. I would hope people would do the same for me as well. Apparently, that just isn't realistic according to these response. I guess I just didn't see the big deal since it's happened to me before and I just took in stride and still went to the wedding to support the couple that I loved. </div><div>
    </div><div>I guess I'm just not inviting a lot of people to this wedding based on this responses since I can't afford to invite their significant others. Time to eliminate a bunch of people from this guest list then.... There is no way in hell I can afford for everyone to bring someone else. I just can't. It just sucks because someone's feelings will get hurt either way. Either they get hurt because their SO isn't invited or they get hurt because themselves and the plus one isn't invited. Oh well... 

    </div>
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  • DH and I were serious within the first month.  We spent almost every night at the other's house but didn't move in together until much later.  I don't think anyone can judge the seriousness of anyone elses relationship.  Think of it this way, you are inviting friends to celebrate your love for your FI yet asking your friends to seperate from their SO/loved one, even for a weekend or so.  Sure I can travel alone but I'd much rather go with my SO.  I'd suggest inviting those friends (with their SO's) that you can afford.  Truly single people don't need to be invited with a plus 1.  To avoid people bringing random friends, put specific names on the invites to show exactly invited.  

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_what-are-you-doing-about-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:54Discussion:1c143b0e-ae37-4cdd-9aff-109b6b660a5dPost:4322d388-8e0a-4afa-88df-d49b1575071d">Re: What are you doing about plus 1's?</a>:
    [QUOTE]DH and I were serious within the first month.  We spent almost every night at the other's house but didn't move in together until much later.  I don't think anyone can judge the seriousness of anyone elses relationship.  Think of it this way, you are inviting friends to celebrate your love for your FI yet asking your friends to seperate from their SO/loved one, even for a weekend or so.  Sure I can travel alone but I'd much rather go with my SO.  I'd suggest inviting those friends (with their SO's) that you can afford.  Truly single people don't need to be invited with a plus 1.  To avoid people bringing random friends, put specific names on the invites to show exactly invited.  
    Posted by kje_[/QUOTE]

    <div>See it's not about judging the seriousness of someone's relationship though. It's about figuring out where I can draw the line. I know that being together a long time or shorter time doesn't mean they aren' serious.  I cannot afford to have everyone. I just thought it wouldn't be a problem, because I've been invited to several weddings by myself without my then boyfriend and now fiance and I do not take it personal at all. Of course, I would've liked to bring him but I accepted and went to the wedding solo to support the friend or family member. </div><div>
    </div><div>So I'm assuming if you all were in my position, and really couldn't afford to give everyone a guest, you would just uninvite the friend or family member completely? </div>
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  • i'm only extending the invitations to my friends/family and the name of their S/O IF i have met or at least know of this person...ie a friend of mine broke up with his g/f so she is obviously no longer invited and if he happens to get a new one between now and the wedding i don't feel the need to invite her.  i did hear thru the grapevine that he assumes if he is to start dating someone again that she's automatically invited...i need to figure out how to handle this.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • It was really important to us that we invited every single person with a plus one since we were asking them to fly to another country, take time off of work (many without their kids - their choice, not ours) and to spend a lot of money.  I'm not saying it's what everyone should do, but we absolutely cut the guest list down a lot to make sure that we could accomodate everyone with a guest since I wanted to make it as easy as possible for people to be able to go. 

    It seems like you would be okay if people don't come for this reason, so I guess I wouldn't worry about it.  Good luck!
  • I am with Saric83 -- we did plus one for everyone and for those who had kids, invited kids. Some people have never met other guests and I felt like they wouldn't have as good of a time if they didn't have their plus one with them. Despite that, we still have a few people who didn't take us up on the plus one. 
    ~*~ Ask me about DW Knottie of the Day and Nestie of the Day! ~*~


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  • I am doing a plus one for everyone. I can't imagine asking my closest friends/family to travel on thier own that far for the wedding and not even letting them bring someone to travel with. I know the 'least you can do' can be extended to a lot of things, but this for me was a big one.

    Also I agree with PPs, you definitely can't judge the seriousness of a relationship. FI and I didn't advertise we'd started dating to many people, and were engaged within 8 months. Obviously we were serious early on and by many people's 'judgements' we would have been 'not serious' when we were already talking marriage.
  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2012
    Thanks for all your input. I'm just gonna cross a whole bunch of people of my list. It sucks but I really can't afford to give everyone a plus one. Some feelings will get hurt and people will be upset but I've realized you're never gonna please everyone when planning a wedding. I think I'm just gonna get rid of all my cousins and invite only their parents and get rid of all the friends and just stick with family. 

    Thanks again for all the feedback. I don't neccesarily agree with all of it, but I see where everyone is coming from. I think it just frustrates me because like I said I've been invited to weddings before without my boyfriend and I just moved on. I didn't think it was something to stress over and make the bride and groom upset over it because I was there for them. But I guess that's just me. 

    I think what also pisses me off is that I didn't even want a wedding. I wanted to elope and everyone pressured me into doing this so we end spending even more money than originally planned. 

    People who do not know anyone else get an "and guest" married couples and people in long relationships (and yes I know seriousness is subjective) will be invited. All others and their SO will be eliminated completely. I simply can't afford it and I refuse to go broke over a wedding. 

    Thanks again for all the responses. It's really appreciated. 
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  • Guest list decisions are always the hardest !!! Just figure out how many people you can afford and start making the cuts. Once you get that over with the fun begins =)=)
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  • Ok so the problem is solved. I talked to the people I would be inviting without an additional guests to see if they would be comfortable with it. As suspected, they were ok with not traveling with their SO's considering they could easily room with other friends already invited to the wedding. 

    Everybody was really supportive and understood the financial difficulties  we would be facing. They were all like they were trying to make it easy for me and be supportive of me and fiance. 

    I am very fortunate to have such supportive and understanding family and friends. I knew being easygoing during their planning processes was worth it. If only every aspect of the planning was like this and all guests were so easygoing. 
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  • We sent an invitation to our friends, John and Joanne, and they RSVP with, John, Joanne and Alice will attend. Alice is Joanne's mother who lives with them and whom we've only ever met once at a house party. The three of them will be vacationing in Hawaii prior to our wedding (Alice lives with them). I really thought Alice could amuse herself for five hours while John and Joanne come to our wedding, seeing as how she doesn't know us.

    For our other single friends, we included "And Guest". We felt it was fair as they'd probably want to have a travel partner to make the trip with them.
  • My now-fiance was a groomsman in a wedding last summer - an out of town wedding at that - and I wasn't invited.  We were living together!  I can definitely see the plus one dilemma from all angles, but if you aren't letting your groomsman bring his live-in girlfriend - whoa.  And it's not like they couple didn't like me; we barely knew each other.

    I think it's your call.  Bridal party, I think, deserves +1 no matter what their relationship status is.  Otherwise, whatever you decide will be wrong to someone, so you just have to do what works for you.
  • Reading all these responses is really helping me with my decision. I feel like I am fine with anyone in a relationship beinging someone, however i am not okay with people just bringing a friend and I am afraid if I put +1 on the invite that is what  will happen. My happy compromise is that I will put the person and their SO's names on the invite. If I dont know the SO's name then there isn't one or the relationship isn't that serious. If anyone really wants to bring someone who's name is not on the invite, all they have to do is ask.
    And I agree that bridal party always gets +1. 
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