It's not my money

divinemsbee · July 2011

So, my FI is a sweet guy and is really good to his friends. He tends to pick up a lot of oddballs and people who are not so suave socially, which is great, and they've all been nice to me when we meet. He also is paid much better than most of them, so a lot of times he treats them to dinner or drinks when they go out. Last weekend he picked up a friend of his in their hometown (about 3ish hours from FI's base) and brought him to our apartment (still getting used to saying that) to have some fun because the guy just got dumped. This is all fine, and I love that he's getting to do this stuff while I'm not there yet (he'd be fine to do it if I was, but I'm glad he's having fun).

He's leaving for IFS before I get down there (major bummer, got that news today), so I will be moving mostly alone and waiting to do the big stuff when he gets back. We're talking about moving and getting some of our friends to help us in exchange for beer (they'd do it for free, but I like to offer gas $ and booze). He says I should see the fridge. I immediately ask what happened. He sends me a pic of the fridge. It's filled top to bottom and to the back with beer. And not cheap beer, really nice beer. He bought it all and did that to brighten up his friend's mood when the guy was there. He spent probably $200ish or more dollars on beer for a laugh.

I'm torn between thinking that he's a really sweet guy and that he does wonderful things for his friends. And being livid. His family is coming into town this weekend, and he always drops a good deal of money on them, and he and I just had a conversation a few days ago about how money is tight and we'll have to wait on buying things for the apartment like a bed (we have matresses on the floor, and they're nice mattresses bought on sale, but they are on the floor). I know we're not married, so it's not my money to say how it's spent. But, Christ on a Cracker, a whole fridge full of beer as a legitimate expense when we have pretty much nothing for the apartment. As well as, where in the hell is food? I'm not as pissed as this makes me sound, but dammit, I want sheets!

I just have to keep repeating to myself over and over: It's not my money, It's not my money....

LOLways · July 2011

Do you have an income/ contribute money to the household?

edit: I don't mean that in a jerk kind of way, I'm just curious, as that affects my response

calindi · July 2011

I think there's a weird transition period between "my money and your money" and when there's an "our money". You need to sit down once you move in together (it sounds like this is a work in progress?) and figure out mutual bills and how you'll both split them. Figure out what things you both want to purchase in the future and how you plan to save for them and how much you will each put into that account. Figure out how much you want to save together for the future and how much you will each contribute to that each month. Anything left over is for you each to spend as you'd like. You don't have to split bills down the middle - do whatever works best for you! A percentage based on income, or whatever.

FI and I have had our own checking accounts with Wachovia and a joint checking account. We're each on all the accounts, but we don't have checking cards for the other's private account. However, we can see everything by logging in online. We discuss all purchases over $100. But whatever is left over after what we've allotted for savings, bills, etc. is to be used by the person who earned it.

He may feel the same way about your manicures or eyebrow waxes, ya know? It's important to have a bit of discretionary income for spoiling yourself or friends, but it is also important to make sure that doesn't cut into the amount that you both have agreed to cover for bills, savings, etc.

calindi · July 2011

Oh, and for what it's worth, I won't have an income once we get married and move for TBS. But FI has promised that he will include an allowance for me each month to spend as I want without having to ask him for pocket change. He'll cover bills and expenses, and he'll have his own discretionary spending, too.

LOLways · July 2011

I agree with calindi, that is a great conversation to have! Some logistics and compromises may be involved, but it's a responsible thing to do and might thwart some confrontations/ disagreements over money in the future. One of my best friends is furious that her hubby just spent $3500 on equipment for his hobby out of their joint account... which resulted from them not being clear over what the ground rules were for their account. Yes, he gets flight pay, but $3500? Not in a month's pay!

I like the his/hers/ours accounts idea. And boys do think some things like hair highlights, purses, makeup are stupid expenses, they see it the same way we see the $200 beer stock, hehe.

divinemsbee · July 2011

I've had a job up here and am hoping to get one down there pretty quickly, but FL's job market isn't great in the panhandle and P-cola is pretty toursity (tends to downsize the job market come August and September), to it may be a hot minute before that happens. I've saved my money up here, and except for gas, plane tickets, and the usual upkeep (haircuts, nails, etc) and things like gifts for birthdays, new babies and anniversaries, I have enough to get me moved down there and have a cushion for a little bit. We're lucky that where my Dad and Grandma live is only about 4 hours from P-cola so I can kind of move all the smaller stuff in my car in shifts and we'll only have to rent a van for the bigger stuff.

He's super generous with me and out general plan is for me to contribute a percentage towards bills and to spend most of his BAH on rent. Right now our finances are pretty separate, I have 2 savings accounts and my checking through Wells Fargo, and he has his accounts through USAA. I started a money market account through my bank that earns 3% interest that we're starting up as a wedding fund that we're both going to put money in every month.

We're different spenders, and that has definitely been the subject of discussion. I'll impulse buy smaller things (nail polish, lamps, pillows, clearance rack less than $10 shoes) but I do a lot of research on big stuff. If he sees big stuff he likes, he'll just get it (see: his car, the red Miata). I know it's because his familly has never really spent/had money, and this is the first time in his life that he can just get what he wants.

I think discussions of purchases over $100 is a great idea. I'm not actually mad at him, it's just a little exasperating when most of the money I have is going towards me moving down there and I can't spend it on the fun stuff (like bedding, I'm so edgy) that we'd both use. I have a feeling that if we don't discuss it I'll end up spending all of my money on the useful things (blackout curtains, coathangers, shower curtains and those little things that add up, especially at Target), and while I'm sure he'll like them, and use them, he just doesn't think about those things that make a home more comfortable costing money. Funnily enough, I think he'd rather pay for my hair and nails than price a couch. It's this weird, again kinda from his family, thing about not finding things like coffee tables necessary. They aren't, but they're nice to have.

Hope I'm making some sense, I'm kind loopy and wordy today

calindi · July 2011

Write down a list of the things you think you need. Find an approximate price online. Then build a budget, and ask him how much he thinks he can contribute and when.

I think you both would probably benefit from some financial planning education. Are there any seminars or such near you? A bunch of those little charges on discount shoes adds up to a lot very quickly, and he can't be making big purchases like that going forward without consulting you.

Sitting down together and creating a very comprehensive budget per week or per paycheck or per month can help prevent a LOT of issues down the line! Like you said, it's not about the beer today as much as it is your fear that he'll keep making purchases like that and you'll end up feeling taken advantage of since your money will disproportionately have to pay for things like hangers and trash bags.

calindi · July 2011

For what it's worth, you've now convinced me I want to go fill the fridge with $50 worth of microbrew beers for when FI comes home on Tuesday! Haha!

divinemsbee · July 2011

I actutally think that's a really cute idea. And really sweet. Thanks for the advice and I hope your FI enjoys the beer!

LetsHikeToday · July 2011

We do the talk about anything over 100. I like it. H definitely spends more than I do. We have a joint checking account though so we need to make sure we continue to communicate.

I would just say continue communicating!

kyrgyzstan · July 2011

Read Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach. Read it together, do the exercises. Take a premarital budgeting class.

I'm a budet Nazi, and FI puts up with it, and that book helped us both give a little bit. And fun money (no questions asked) is a great thing, as C pointed out. Also lurk on Money Matters on The Nest. Those women are geniuses.

jackieandbilly · July 2011

So funny that PP mentioned manicures! My FI is in the process of adding me to his USAA accounts/credit card, so in the meantime he gave me his card to go buy groceries, gas, car wash, etc. I ended up getting my nails done the same day (paid for myself, not with his card) but it was still funny like "I got my nails done today. here's your credit card back." He laughed and said he didnt care- he WOULD care if he knew how expensive/how often I have to get them done haha!

Basically our arrangement is for nor, since I'm only working temporarily/living off my savings, he's paying for mutual stuff like food, gas, house stuff, and the $$ I make is to be saved for big stuff for the two of us (couch, pet bills, anything big unforseen like that) plus my own spending $$ for my nails. It works for us.

Sounds like you two just have to figure out your own "system"- it takes a while, but it should be easier once you're together all the time, living together, and more aware of what expenses need to be "ours" vs "yours". Sorry to ramble, good luck to you! Talking about $$ is not the most romantic or fun, but it is important.

SamiJoeB · July 2011

Money is our biggest issue. I'm going to get that book that Stan recommended.. We're doing a lot better now that I'm in NC, working 2 jobs and selling furniture that I'm refurbishing. I can contribute more, and thus don't need him to send me money or pay for my silly stuff anymore. It's getting better, but when we PCS in Feb, I'm worried it'll take me a long time to find another job.. Fingers crossed it won't, but who knows..

PRK10042010 · July 2011

My FI is the same way, he loves to pitch in and take the tab. It is very hard for me to talk about money with him especially since Im still looking for a job. He is still in the baraks( i think thats how they spell it) so I under stand the fact that that saves him a lot of money on that. But i had to talk to him about his extra activities with the guys because it was cutting into our time to tlak at night (since i live is texas and he is statioed up in washington) and i was starting to get worried about how much he is spending cause we need to start saving for our wedding and when i am finnaly able to move up there.

It is very hard I knw to talk to him about but tell him you are worried for how much he pays for other people and tell him it is okay to let other people pay. Especially if they themselves are in the military because they get paid just like he does.

kara811 · July 2011

Money was an issue with us before, mainly because I felt insecure that I wasn't bring as much to the table as H was, while he insists that everything would be "our money" and not just "his"/"hers" once we get married. I felt that way because H have a lot more savings than I do, he's good with finances. He came into some family money when he was younger and he also got a hefty bonus from re-enlistment(although it was also taxed so big!) and I on the other hand grew up a spoiled brat who didn't know anything about saving and knew all about spending. Although I've learned how to budget and handle money properly from H, I love that we learn from each other.

Like Calindi said, there's a transition, it may take sometime. I still have to get used to it sometimes that we now share everything. Only my BofA account isn't joint yet, but we will make it joint when H gets back stateside.Right now I am unemployed, I quit my job a few months before our wedding due to a lot of travelling. Although it doesn't matter to H whether I have a job or not(we are stable financially), I am planning on finding one once we move to VA. It's nice to have the extra money since we'd like to start investing in stocks and other things. Our savings aren't making much in CDs/money market.

Like others, we also discuss it before going in for a big purchase(anything in the hundreds). We put limits on things like when gambling, we both have the same limit and nothing more. So if we lose, then we're SOL. H sometimes complains about the girly stuff(nails, hair, face) but he also has his things like video games, and honestly he spends more money on haircuts than I do, he gets it cut twice a month at least since it grows so quickly. Hehe. And there are times that we buy some things on a "whim" but we let it slide if it's not "overly" expesnive. Okay I'm just rambling now. Sorry.

Since Stan suggested a book, I will also suggest The Nest Handbook for Newlyweds. SIL gave it to us and it's such a great book. It has a section for everything including finances, sex/romance, house, chores, etc. Every section has a quiz that you need to answer and discuss. And after the quizzes it talks about everything in full detail and pointers on how to do things. H and I did this and we resolved a lot of things this way. You need to sit down and talk about finances, I know it's not the most romantic thing but this is what most married couples have issues with. It's good to get it out of the way before you even get married.

zimgsgirl26 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_its-not-money?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:a41f3f0c-2070-4fd4-893b-76363bbea57ePost:574de521-f695-4c17-b781-b51f093af4c0">Re: It's not my money</a>:
[QUOTE]So funny that PP mentioned manicures! My FI is in the process of adding me to his USAA accounts/credit card, so in the meantime he gave me his card to go buy groceries, gas, car wash, etc. I ended up getting my nails done the same day (paid for myself, not with his card) but it was still funny like "I got my nails done today. here's your credit card back." He laughed and said he didnt care- he WOULD care if he knew how expensive/how often I have to get them done haha! Basically our arrangement is for nor, since I'm only working temporarily/living off my savings, he's paying for mutual stuff like food, gas, house stuff, and the $$ I make is to be saved for big stuff for the two of us (couch, pet bills, anything big unforseen like that) plus my own spending $$ for my nails. It works for us. Sounds like you two just have to figure out your own "system"- it takes a while, but it should be easier once you're together all the time, living together, and more aware of what expenses need to be "ours" vs "yours". Sorry to ramble, good luck to you! Talking about $$ is not the most romantic or fun, but it is important.
Posted by jackieandbilly[/QUOTE]
HAHA my fiance jokes about giving me an allowance for stuff like that :P

AlexzandraGQ · July 2011

[QUOTE] it's just a little exasperating when most of the money I have is going towards me moving down there and I can't spend it on the fun stuff (like bedding, I'm so edgy) that we'd both use. I have a feeling that if we don't discuss it I'll end up spending all of my money on the useful things (blackout curtains, coathangers, shower curtains and those little things that add up, especially at Target), and while I'm sure he'll like them, and use them, he just doesn't think about those things that make a home more comfortable costing money. Funnily enough, I think he'd rather pay for my hair and nails than price a couch. It's this weird, again kinda from his family, thing about not finding things like coffee tables necessary. They aren't, but they're nice to have. Hope I'm making some sense, I'm kind loopy and wordy today :)
Posted by divinemsbee[/QUOTE]

First of all... are we engaged to the same person? Haha, but seriously, we had the same problem. My fiance had all his clothes folded in piles on our bedroom floor because he didn't think a dresser was "necessary" (aka he didn't want to drop 500 bucks on one and would rather go out to eat every night). I finally stopped complaining about it,and let the dog lay on his clothes until they were so hairy he asked me to rewash them and I said "No, if you had a dresser then you wouldn't have dog hair all over your clothes". Guess how fast a dresser became necessary after that!

And I don't care what the reasoning... if my fiance spent $200 on beer I would NOT be happy, and I'm a very laid back person, but I think that's a little overboard. My FI and I sat down and hashed out our expenses. Currently I only work part time and pretty much make enough money to cover my car payment, car insurance, and credit card payments. So with his income we pay all our bills, and then we set aside a certain amount for food, pleasure, savings, and wedding. Going out to dinner is considered pleasure not food in our budget.

One last thing... as you said "its not my money", but by putting that ring on your finger he said he wants to share his everything with you, and that includes money. His purchases, and yours, effect each other now and forever. But just looking at the short term... $200 bucks could feed 4-6 people at your wedding!

It's not my money

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