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MAJOR need of advice :(

KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
10 Comments
in Moms and Maids
I have a huge problem and don't know how to solve it. My mom is wearing a beautiful dress thats actually a bridesmaid dress but is VERY classy and conservative for a MOB to wear!! Nothing to fancy at all!! Well my dads girl friend asked me what my bridesmaids were wearing AND what my mom was wearing. So I showed her and she went out and got a dress that is honestly like a red carpet dress! She is going to outshine me.. My bridesmaids and my mom!! I don't know how to handle this without causing problems but to kind of explain it... My bridesmaids dresses are black my dads girlfriend got a black dress almost identical to theirs but 100x fancier than theirs!! What do I do?!?! :( thank y'all!! I can post pictures to give y'all the real deal if you'd like!!
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Re: MAJOR need of advice :(

  • NurseLilyNurseLily member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What does your dress look like? and the bridesmaid dresses?
    In general I do think its hard to outshine the bride since you'll be wearing white and with a veil, but I completely understand not wanting to be upstaged!
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_major-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2567c989-9dca-4867-8c29-5bb79f724386Post:a956d56c-302a-4c71-bd9b-419e94b13a81">MAJOR need of advice :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a huge problem and don't know how to solve it. My mom is wearing a beautiful dress thats actually a bridesmaid dress but is VERY classy and conservative for a MOB to wear!! Nothing to fancy at all!! Well my dads girl friend asked me what my bridesmaids were wearing AND what my mom was wearing. So I showed her and she went out and got a dress that is honestly like a red carpet dress! She is going to outshine me.. My bridesmaids and my mom!! I don't know how to handle this without causing problems but to kind of explain it... My bridesmaids dresses are black my dads girlfriend got a black dress almost identical to theirs but 100x fancier than theirs!! <strong>What do I do?!?!</strong> :( thank y'all!! I can post pictures to give y'all the real deal if you'd like!!
    Posted by KaylaGardner[/QUOTE]

    You do nothing. She's an adult who is capable of dressing herself. You can dictate the bridal party's clothes for your wedding, but nobody else's.
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  • vsgalvsgal member
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    For heaven's sake, no one is going to outshine you.  You are the bride, so unless someone shows up in a white ball gown with a bouquet and veil, you will be noticed.   People are going to know who the BMs are.  You sound like you have them all in the same outfit and they will be standing next to you at the ceremony.

    Weddings are not about who can outdress who.  These are grown women.  They can dress themselves.  If she overdresses, that is her choice and it will reflect on her, not you. 

    My MIL wore a handmade silk dress with intricate handstitching and embellishments that she bought when she was in Thailand. It was stunning.  My MOH wore a simple black dress from a department store.  The only embellishment was a rhinestone pin on the bodice.  The both looked amazing.  This is not the end of the world.  Just let it go.

    ROCK IS KING!!
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  • KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I have no doubt grown women can dress themselves. The point is she does this kind o stuff on purpose to hurt my mom and myself. In my opinion it's one thing to show up and not know what the bridal party are wearing and maybe outshine them but for her to have specifically asked what everyones wearing and then to have gone ALL out to be the center of attention is very hurtful to me. I'm curretly on my phone so i can't post pics but as soon as I get to a computer I will. Everyone I've mentioned this to has said the same thing as you guys until they saw the pictures an their jaws dropped. Thank you all for your opinions. I think if it were anyone else it wouldn't hurt as bad but this lady does these things on purpose. She's all about the money and being the center of attention. Maybe I am being a little picky but this is my wedding... My mom... And my sister as my MOH and we know the reasons behind her dress. My wedding is not "formal" it's a very elegant yet laid back and casual wedding and she knows this. I guess it just blows my mind how some people work :/
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  • KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I can't upload my pictures at the moment but will this evening. Thanks for understanding!!! Her dress is literally the same as my bridesmaids but red carpet style!! I know prices mean nothing but my BMs dresses were $200 and hers was NO were near that :/
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  • NurseLilyNurseLily member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    So you feel that she looked at the pictures as a reference point of how fancy to take it?  Its unfortunate that she would try to be attention grabbing
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  • KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh yes!! For sure!! She already had a dress Picked out and then asked for pictures and the next thing I knew I get this new picture and my stomach immediately knotted up!! It's definitely the reasoning behind the whole thing that is more hurtful than anything.
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  • vsgalvsgal member
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    You are going to give yourself a coronary. 

    So, she went out and bought a dress that is really fancy. So what.  You are not her mother.  You don't get to dictate what she wears.

    Move on.  Stop talking about it to your mom or BMs.  They are adding fuel to the fire.  This is not worth getting this worked up over.  It is only a dress.  Did she specifically say "what are the BMs wearing? I want to look better than them."  If no, then you don't know her motivation. You are assuming, which is very dangerous.  Maybe she changed her mind and found this dress.  Maybe she thought her original dress was too casual.  Maybe she found this dress and thought it was more stylish for the wedding.  Doesn't really matter why she has changed.  The point is that she has changed and you can't do anything about it. So stop panicking.  It is not going to fix anything. 

    By the way, $200 bridesmaid dresses can't be that casual or laid back.

    ROCK IS KING!!
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm an MOB. I plan to pick out a dress that I love and really don't care what anyone else is wearing.

    I understand that your father's girlfriend does these things to upstage you. The best way to deal with it is to ignore her. Don't let her know that you are upset-because that's what she wants.

    Showing up at an event overdressed is nearly as bad as showing up under dressed. But this is a reflection on her poor judgement, not yours. And if anyone gets the side eye on this, it will be her.

    I can't wait to see the dress you are talking about, don't forget to post the picture, please.
                       
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  • KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you :) I will def be posting the picture this evening :) I understand wanting to look pretty!! My moms going to look gorgeous!! I'm sure when y'all see the picture y'all may stick to your word as far as not mentioning it but I think y'all will definitely understand what I mean as far as trying to "upstage" everyone lol once again thanks for your honest opinion ;)
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  • KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for being honest. When I said my BMs dresses are casual I was comparing them to the dress she bought. Hers Makes their look VERY casual lol I wasn't trying to get people to jump down my throat just venting :/ and wanting honest opinions but worded nicely :) wasn't thinking people woul be rude.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_major-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2567c989-9dca-4867-8c29-5bb79f724386Post:fb47c28b-31aa-4c65-b96f-4d45ca7bccd2">Re: MAJOR need of advice :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for being honest. When I said my BMs dresses are casual I was comparing them to the dress she bought. Hers Makes their look VERY casual lol I wasn't trying to get people to jump down my throat just venting :/ and wanting honest opinions but worded nicely :) wasn't thinking people woul be rude.
    Posted by KaylaGardner[/QUOTE]

    Nobody was rude. Telling you you're overreacting and that you should do nothing when you came here of your own free will asking what you should do isn't rude. Not telling you what you want to hear isn't rude.
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  • KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Okay :) thank you!! Have a great day!!
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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If she's doing it for attention, and to "get" at you and your mom, then by you getting upset she is succeeding.  That is her win...and you have given her more power over you than she deserves.  Let it go, and when you see her on the day you give her a sweet smile, tilt your head, pat her arm and say..."well, bless your heart...that is quite the dress!  You just look special!"
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    MuffinsMom.. You couldnt have said it better!! Thank you SOOO much!! I love your advice!! I will definitely have to do that!! Killing with kindness but getting a point across at the same time ;) thank you again!!
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_major-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2567c989-9dca-4867-8c29-5bb79f724386Post:d5e4b23d-7bab-4be9-847c-a9806fa3d1d4">Re: MAJOR need of advice :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she's doing it for attention, and to "get" at you and your mom, then by you getting upset she is succeeding.  That is her win...and you have given her more power over you than she deserves.  Let it go, and when you see her on the day you give her a sweet smile, tilt your head, pat her arm and say..."<strong>well, bless your heart</strong>...that is quite the dress!  You just look special!"
    Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

    Spoken like a true Southern smart-ass!
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  • m&eguntonm&egunton member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_major-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2567c989-9dca-4867-8c29-5bb79f724386Post:7e5d33f1-38f8-4950-8ff1-f63ed07c6a29">Re: MAJOR need of advice :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]MuffinsMom.. You couldnt have said it better!! Thank you SOOO much!! I love your advice!! I will definitely have to do that!! Killing with kindness but getting a point across at the same time ;) thank you again!!
    Posted by KaylaGardner[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">WIN!</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">
    </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">That is the perfect response.  
    </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">
    </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">I would like to reiterate what the other ladies have been saying... no one can upstage the bride.  Even if she wore the same dress as your BMs... she still won't upstage you or them or anyone else.  </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">
    </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">What she <em>will</em> do, however, is just make herself look really bad.  If she is wearing a gown that is inappropriate for the mood of the wedding, it'll show and if you are kind and gracious, you come across as classy and she looks crude.  </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">
    </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">And then you've won, she's lost.  Like the philospher Epictetus said, only you are in control of your emotions.  There are some things in this world you can control, there are some you cannot control and it is pointless to let the things you cannot control dictate your emotional reaction.  If you allow her to upset you, upset your mother and your ladies then you have given her power over you, them and your day.  Don't let her.  </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">
    </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#800000">And then kick her ass with grace, poise and southern wit.  </font><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /></div>
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_major-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2567c989-9dca-4867-8c29-5bb79f724386Post:d5e4b23d-7bab-4be9-847c-a9806fa3d1d4">Re: MAJOR need of advice :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she's doing it for attention, and to "get" at you and your mom, then by you getting upset she is succeeding.  That is her win...and you have given her more power over you than she deserves.  Let it go, and when you see her on the day you give her a sweet smile, tilt your head, pat her arm and say..."well, bless your heart...that is quite the dress!  You just look special!"
    Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

    <div>Love it! </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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  • KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well that's how us "southern people" are ;) Have a great evening!
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  • KaylaGardnerKaylaGardner
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all who have posted here at the end!! Makes me feel alot better :)
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  • cesiaocesiao
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Muffin'sMom's advice is great and she hit it right on the money. And best of all she doesn't have to get nasty about it. Don't lose sleep over some of the other responses, after all it's just "opinions". There's still a lot of other people that genuinely want to give you honest support without ripping your feelings to shreds. Good luck and enjoy your wedding!!!
    Report Reply
  • joyfulhappy1joyfulhappy1
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    We can't control anyone but our own self, you may not like what your dads girlfriend is wearing to your wedding but you can control your reaction to what she is wearing. And if you look at the bigger picture of her wanting to wear a dress that is over the top you have to remember that on your special day she is not going to get much attention and maybe the over the top dress is her way of saying, "hey I matter too, Im not just the brides father's girlfriend I am someone important too.  Best to concentrate on your wedding and the joy of your day then what someone is wearing or not wearing.  If the girlfriend is overdressed then she will only embarass her own self and you will shine ever the more. 

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  • tseguintseguin member
    Tenth Anniversary 10 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_major-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2567c989-9dca-4867-8c29-5bb79f724386Post:d5e4b23d-7bab-4be9-847c-a9806fa3d1d4">Re: MAJOR need of advice :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she's doing it for attention, and to "get" at you and your mom, then by you getting upset she is succeeding.  That is her win...and you have given her more power over you than she deserves.  Let it go, and when you see her on the day you give her a sweet smile, tilt your head, pat her arm and say..."well, bless your heart...that is quite the dress!  You just look special!"
    Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

    Great post.  Great advice.
    wedding countdown
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