Is it okay to NOT want to share this intimate day? If not - how to cure...

Festiva · February 2010

I've never thought too long & hard about weddings...so whether to have a big bash or a small intimate event went unpondered all this time.
Currently we are trying to decide between a sweet and small DW/elopement with an at home reception OR a local wedding.

Now that I'm planning, I'm amazed to find out that my fiance wants well over a hundred people. I seriously began to hyperventilate a tiny bit- weird hunh. To have that many people at our "at-home-reception" would be totally fine, but.....the thought of having ALL THOSE PEOPLE whom I am not close with at all (neither is he) watching us get married....doesn't feel right somehow.
I'm a people person in that I love to appease and make everyone happy and comfortable...but being the center of attention is not my thing at all! I am actually feeling shy again, and here I am 30 freaking years old!

Is there a way I can feel comfortable with this?

JessAndTrav · February 2010

Well, you could talk more with your FI and come to a compromise between having a circus wedding and eloping. Find a medium that fits you both.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

I agree. You need to figure out what the wedding day means to the both of you, and be respectful of each other's feelings. I think small weddings with just immediate family are fine, and even desitnation weddings if it doesnt create a hardship for your immediate family (parents and siblings) to attend. I dthink it is important, however, to include immediate family. My sister eloped 12 and a half years ago and my mother still isn't over it.

Bottom line is, talk to your fiance about the meaning of the day to both of you, and how he feels about having those 100 people there that ou presume he's not close to. YOu need to be on the same page and compromise.

As for the day of, I think you will be so focused on your FI and the ceremony that the audience/congregation will fade away. I don't even think you will notice that they are all sitting there. Good Luck!

redheadfsu · February 2010

I understand not wanting to share the day. We are doing the DW just the two of us & then an at home reception. I definitely understand your position - I never wanted a wedding.

BUT your FI needs to be on board & happy with the decision too. Also make sure parents & close relatives will not be pissed that you eloped. So talk it out & take your time. Remember you have time to figure everything out. Don't hyperventilate.

We are also waiting so everyone mellows out & understand us before we rush off to elope & make anyone upset. I have noticed that the more time you give family to get comfortable with a DW elopement the better. B/c when you first get engaged everyone gets all "puppies & rainbows" & forgets that it is more about the marriage than the wedding. Plus some families have no idea that the wedding they want you to have will cost X.

But again make sure your FI is completely on board with your ideas.

kimheartsscott · February 2010

I would love to JOP and have a small reception afterwards with immediate family and grandparents, but my fiance is very close to his very large family. It isn't what I want, but it means way more to him to have them there than it does to me to have a small wedding. In return, he has compromised by cutting down the 10 friends he would invite to 3 or 4. Really, I am getting the short end of the stick on this one, but it is important to him so I have no qualms doing it.

You just need to evaluate what is really importants to both of you, like the previous posters said.

vegprincess · February 2010

This is definitely a difficult position to be in - my fiance and I have had some similar problems. I've come to realize, however, that part of why I love him is because he's really close to his family and his love and adoration for his family. Unfortunately, his family is rather large which is making our wedding larger than I'd originally foreseen.
I think you have to figure out if there are ways you can both compermise here. For example, I've "put my foot down" about inviting anyone past cousins - he and his parents wanted second cousins and the rest of the extended family. (Fortunately, some of my ability to be stubborn about this is possible because of our budget constraints.) I've also had to help him understand that you can't invite someone to the wedding just because you feel badly for inviting someone else that they're good friends with even if you're not close.
See if you can go through the guest list together and cut down even just 10% - just knowing that you cut down on the list a little bit, may help you feel calmer and be a starting point to cutting the guest list down even further.
Other ideas...
- Keep it to family and the bridal party only?
- Cut down on the +1s
- Only invite certain family members (has to be a blanket rule though) - For example, no cousins, just aunts, uncles and grandparents
- No one under 21
GOOD LUCK!

Piru · February 2010

I think my fiance and I are going to have a rule. Personally, I will not let anyone on my side cajole me into inviting anyone I've met less than three times. He can adjust his as he sees fit since he sees distant relatives more often, but he doesn't want a ton of people either so the 3 thing will probably work well for both of us.

I keep thinking of people I would like to have there, but I do not want my cousins on my dad's side that I've never met, my mom's brother that's been a jerk to the family for years that I've met maybe once, my long lost grand aunt, etc etc. I also want a pretty intimate ceremony, not hundreds of strangers.

kaynix21 · March 2010

100 people isn't too bad. For some of the weddings out there, that is actually considered small.

But maybe you could do an intimate ceremony, parents and siblings and maybe grandparents only (for you)

Then a larger reception (for FI).

Jeni35 · March 2010

We both wanted a small ceremony; but when we bought it up to his fmaily, they literally started listing all the people that they would invite. I calmly interrupted them with, "I am sorry; but this is our wedding." And there was a huge ruckus. I am not budging. My siblings have not asked me to invite anyone and they respect the fact that this is our day. I did specifically ask Fi though if there is anyone that he would like to invite. He has a good friend from overseas who would do his best to make it. But FI said No, he wanted our immediate family to be there and G-d. When I told my FMIL how expensive 100 people was going to be- things quieted down a bit.

doubleH2010 · March 2010

I am so with you on not wanting to get married in front of a bunch of strangers. Our guest list is about 80 people. It was hard drawing the line at times, but we made rules and stuck with them. My wedding ceremony is a very intimiate event for me and I think we've managed to keep it to people who really mean something to us. I'm not going to lie, there are hurt feelings by not being invited, but we have decided to stick with it.

I am the same way about not wanting to be the center of attention. This whole bride thing is difficult!

I chuckle when I read the posts that whatever is supposed to be all about "me". I'm fine not having it all about me. I get married in 30 days and am starting to hyperventilate about walking down the aisle and having everyone looking at me. Fingers crossed I don't fall.....

I really like some of the prior suggestions to have an intimate ceremony and then a bigger reception. I wish I'd thought of that! Best of luck with the wedding.

Is it okay to NOT want to share this intimate day? If not - how to cure...

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