Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

cbaby206 · February 2012

I’m getting married in 117days, so you can imagine I’m under a little pressure. My best friend of 20 years and Matron of Honor has asked me to throw her a baby shower for her second child who is due 2 weeks before the wedding. I normally would be extremely helpful, but I also did throw her last Bridal shower, and I can’t shake the feeling she’s being a little selfish and greedy. How can I tell her, without hurting her feelings that I would love to help out on a few small things and attend the shower, but I don't want the pressure, or the entire financial cost on me at this time?

graysquirrel · February 2012

How rude of her to demand that you throw her a shower! Showers are gifts, not expectations. It sounds like she just gave you a mandate. Ugh. And I think that it is kinda funny that she demands it for her second kid. Lots of people only have it for the first one.

I would tell her that while you love her and are super excited for her baby to come, you just don't have the time and resources to do it right now but are looking forward to getting her a cute baby gift or contributing if someone else throws the shower (if you really want to do that).

tpender13 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:04ca7763-d56f-4608-98b5-1ee2b3a2e4c9Post:b670e619-a624-4c58-a6fe-a989b06819a8">Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I’m getting married in 117days, so you can imagine I’m under a little pressure. My best friend of 20 years and Matron of Honor has asked me to throw her a baby shower for her second child who is due 2 weeks before the wedding. I normally would be extremely helpful, but I also did throw her last Bridal shower, and I can’t shake the feeling she’s being a little selfish and greedy. How can I tell her, without hurting her feelings that<strong> I would love to help out on a few small things and attend the shower, but I don't want the pressure, or the entire financial cost on me at this time?</strong>
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]

Say exactly that. It's perfectly reasonable, and she should understand.

jsbt2014 · February 2012

PPs have pretty much said it. You are not obligated, she shouldn't have asked, and nicely declining the main party planner position is totally fine! As far as feeling like she's being selfish and greedy, I understand how you feel, but have you considered that maybe she asked because you did such a fabulous job, and she is worried that she (or anyone else who might plan it) can't pull it off like you? I only suggest this because I recently vented in a post about my friends not helping me after I planned parties for them, and that was brought to my attention.

deanozzi · February 2012

2 baby shower's to me is asking for a lot.

TiffannieF · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:04ca7763-d56f-4608-98b5-1ee2b3a2e4c9Post:b670e619-a624-4c58-a6fe-a989b06819a8">Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I’m getting married in 117days, so you can imagine I’m under a little pressure. My best friend of 20 years and <strong>Matron of Honor has asked me to throw her a baby shower for her second child</strong> who is due 2 weeks before the wedding. I normally would be extremely helpful, but I also did throw her last Bridal shower, and I can’t shake the feeling she’s being a little selfish and greedy. How can I tell her, without hurting her feelings that I would love to help out on a few small things and attend the shower, but I don't want the pressure, or the entire financial cost on me at this time?
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]

First of all, wtf....who asks for somebody to throw them a shower?! lol. Maybe she is being crazy prego hormones...

My advice would be "Friend, I love you dearly, and I want you to know that I would to help with coordinating some of the shower but unfortunately with the wedding I do not have enough time or money to throw you a shower that you deserve. Has anybody else expressed interest in coordinating a shower? Maybe I can talk with them to help."

Do you know if somebody else would be willing to take over? Like a mom or aunt or another friend. Maybe you can talk with them and say "Friend wants me to throw a shower but I just can't afford it right now." Maybe they will offer to help out.

MyNameIsNot · February 2012

I would just remind her that showers are inappropriate for second children.

Or say what PP said. It's nicer.

mbcdefg · February 2012

Damn, how rude. "Please throw me a party" - WTF? I'd personally say no just on principle, wedding stress or not.

"Sorry but I won't be able to throw you a party. I'm more than happy to help out with whatever I can once the baby arrives." Boom, done.

TiffannieF · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:04ca7763-d56f-4608-98b5-1ee2b3a2e4c9Post:a2dafab7-5560-46bc-a54b-99958780a276">Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I would just remind her that showers are inappropriate for second children</strong>. Or say what PP said. It's nicer.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Is this a regional or cultural thing? In my family we have always thrown showers for every child. I didn't hear about this until my Assyrian friend told me and when you just said it.

ElisabethJoanne · February 2012

Tiffannie, a shower for only the first child is the rule in my 1958 etiquette book. I don't know how many communities/regions/circles of friends follow that rule. Showers are historically (and for a lot of people still actually) a way someone's friends help the someone fund a major life transition. The transition from 1 kid to 2 kids is not that big, financially, as from 0 kids to 1 kid. Baby #2 can use her older sibling's car seat, crib, toys, and clothes.

Except, not always. Car seats expire. Cribs get recalled. Toys break. It's tough putting a girl baby in blue clothes. I'd look askance in a situation like OP's, where it's the same group of people invited to the 2 showers for the same mother. But I think it was OK Mom had a shower for my little sister, as we'd moved from one country to another from when I was a baby to when my sister was born. Also, Mom's second shower was a surprise, so she couldn't decline.

If a circle of friends thinks of showers as being more about celebrating the baby than the gifts, that's totally cool, and they should celebrate each baby. But that's not the history.

Viczaesar · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:04ca7763-d56f-4608-98b5-1ee2b3a2e4c9Post:1d8b44a5-1c34-41b4-927a-3ea9c64f14c6">Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues : Is this a regional or cultural thing? In my family we have always thrown showers for every child. I didn't hear about this until my Assyrian friend told me and when you just said it.
Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]
The shower is to help the mother-to-be transition from being childless to having a child. Once they've already had a child they should still have the major items from the first child, unless it's been 10 years.

MyNameIsNot · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:04ca7763-d56f-4608-98b5-1ee2b3a2e4c9Post:1d8b44a5-1c34-41b4-927a-3ea9c64f14c6">Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues : Is this a regional or cultural thing? In my family we have always thrown showers for every child. I didn't hear about this until my Assyrian friend told me and when you just said it.
Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]

<div>Having showers for the second child could be a regional or family thing. I've always heard the old rule, and second child showers get the side eye around here. If it's changing, it's news to me. </div><div>
</div><div>Although the parents may or may not have the big things, the parents bear the ultimate responsibility for providing for the baby, no matter what their history. But the production of a shower has always seemed to me to be about the transition from childless to parent more than about giving the parents everything they might need. </div>

TiffannieF · February 2012

I think the people in my area are completely clueless when it comes to etiquette. Seriously, almost every aspect of the wedding I got REALLY bad advice from folks. It sucks for people like me, who have good intentions but were raised with people who do practice proper etiquette.

Maggie0829 · February 2012

Your friend was incredibly rude to ask you to throw her a shower. That just makes her sound greedy and needy.

In my area, a baby shower for a second child is looked down upon, unless like a PP said, it has been 10 or more years since the couple last had a baby because they most likely do not have any baby items stored away.

Tell your friend that you will help out with the smaller details when time allows but are unable to take the full weight of the entire shower.

Habs2Hart · February 2012

Ya, for one she is rude to ask. You can tell her you are unable to throw it for her.

Showers up here are also only for the first born, typically. I have seen them thrown for other children if the family needs some help, but generally, it's just for the first one.

Hilraythebride · February 2012

I have never heard of anyone asking someone to throw them a shower. How rude!!

I would just say that I would love to but with my wedding so close I don't think I can take on another party to plan so close to the date and I can not commit to the financial obligations this time. I will be willing to help with whatever you are willing to help with such as day of stuff and putting things together.

She should understand!

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