What would you do?

Ashleigh828 · March 2012

This is a very random post but I needed to get something off my chest and ask for your opinions as to what you would do in this situation...

I am supposed to get married on October 6 in Worcester. For the past 7 months, I have been putting together this wedding for 150 guests. I had paid deposits on almost everything except the venue and the caterer. Because my stepmother works the catering circuit in the area, contracts for both the venue and caterer were not done in the typical fashion. Both of my parents offered to help pay for the wedding, which was very nice of them. However, because we did not have final numbers on everything, the finances were a big ? until now. All along I have been fearing that once the final numbers came in, it would be way more than any of us could afford. My parents kept telling me not to worry about it and that everything would work out.

Well the final numbers have come in and my fear has come true. I have planned a wedding that no one can afford. Immediately, I told my parents and FI that we are going to undo everything and go with our original plan (parents and us only on a destination wedding). My dad said that he would support me with any decision that I make but my mom is heartbroken. She is very upset and says that I'm making a drastic decision.

We have already sent out save-the-dates but I think by sending a nice letter to everyone would be ok. The guests haven't paid anything yet and I just don't think it's fair to proceed with something that no one can afford. I don't feel right about it but my mom says that she'll find a way to pay for it.

If you were faced with this situation, what would you do? In responding, I know that some of your answers are going to say that I should have had numbers from the beginning and whatnot, and I agree but the situation was different given my stepmothers involvement.

crystal5724 · March 2012

The venue and catering were half of my budget. Could you look elsewhere in that area? For other vendors such as photog, DJ and florist (those are the next big three) how much was the deposit? There are always other options in these three areas, such as a new upcoming photog at a much lower cost, a friend that DJ's(there are a ton of recomendations on the "boston western" board that are low cost) and DIY flowers. I am not sure how big these numbers are, but I just thought I would offer some advice. You might be surpirsed the costs of a destination wedding too.

Ashleigh828 · March 2012

I have already paid about $2500 in deposits for DJ, Photographer, Florist, Photobooth, Ceremony Musicians and various other things. In mentioning a destination wedding, I didn't meant the traditional destination wedding but mean about 10 people, a small beach ceremony, and then just dinner at a nicer restaurant and a night of fun. It would be very laid back and the cost would be 1/4 of what the current wedding would cost. This is what I had originally wanted but due to my FI's family objecting, I decided to do a more traditional wedding. I regret this because now FI's family is still being a pain and they aren't paying anything so why I even let them have a say in anything is upsetting. I just didn't want to be "that" girl that said I don't care I'm doing this my way! Ugh! This stinks!

mrsmtothek · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_what-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:d8a321ce-9ff0-4777-9aaa-162ebcd5c6d9Post:9207e33c-e8cc-4b79-8a9e-b60aace9e4c2">Re: What would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]The venue and catering were half of my budget. Could you look elsewhere in that area? For other vendors such as photog, DJ and florist (those are the next big three) how much was the deposit? There are always other options in these three areas, such as a new upcoming photog at a much lower cost, a friend that DJ's(there are a ton of recomendations on the "boston western" board that are low cost) and DIY flowers. I am not sure how big these numbers are, but I just thought I would offer some advice. You might be surpirsed the costs of a destination wedding too.
Posted by crystal5724[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with this. Before you do anything, give yourself 1-2 weeks of heavy researching to explore your options. I think this will give your mother peace of mind knowing you're trying to make this work as well as yourself, considering save the dates have already gone out. There are a number of options to make your experience less expensive--cash bar, appetizers only, early dinner, things like that. You also should think about how this is going to impact the guests you've sent out these save the dates to. Family members, close friends, etc--how will they feel knowing they're not a part of your big day? Ultimately you have to do what YOU feel comfortable doing, not your mother, but I say give it all you got to try and make it work. Destination weddings can also be very expensive and a slippery slope, so just keep that in mind. Regardless of what you decide, it'll still be a wonderful day. Good luck!

</div>

crystal5724 · March 2012

I think the decsision to do one or the other is a very personal one. Something you and your FI will need to decide. If you do go through with the 150 guest wedding there are so many ways to make it more affordable. Photobooth and ceremony muscians are nice touches but are not a necessity. If it meant losing a little bit of money it might be worth it, sounds like your already willing to lose these deposits. As far as the FI family pushing this, they need to chip in. Be honest with them about costs, ask them if they can help DIY some things or help out in other ways.

Trust me, most brides are in the same boat and want to just turn around and do what they want, most are considering eloping after going thru a few months of planning

Good luck!

anastassiiat · March 2012

I also agree witht the PPs! As a suggestions, could you hold your ceremony/reception at a public park? I think some cities allow you to do that, and the rental cost is very minimal. It also gives you an option of picking an affordable caterer. The only thing is most likely you won't be able to have alcohol, but at least that will help save up some wedding money! Here is a link with a few parks in MA that let you rent out space for weddings.
http://www.mass.gov/dcr/recreate/dayuse.htm
But in the end if you are more comfortable with a destination wedding than definitely go for it, it's your day, and I'm sure your friends/family will understand! Good luck!!!

lodonnell616 · March 2012

I also agree with PP's

Be realistic about what you can cut: photobooth, ceremony musicians are nice to have but definitely not required

Also, maybe you could change what you're serving--instead of sit down dinner have drinks and appetizers for people.

It stinks that people made financial promises that they couldn't follow through on but plenty of people do alot with less than it sounds like you will have for your budget. Good Luck!!!

chumlee7478 · March 2012

Did all 150 guests get save the dates? If not, cut guests that are "nice to haves" but not "must haves". If everyone got one, then you need to invite everyone.

See if you can cut from other areas before you throw the whole thing in the bag and have a DW. If you can't cut anywhere, then go with your gut.

KrisKenny · March 2012

To start, can I ask what your budget is and by how much are you over?
It will help a little to see where your price range is.

tanyamary627 · March 2012

It's hard to give suggestions without us knowing how much your current wedding is going to cost versus how much you can afford. Since you haven't given a deposit for the venue/caterer, can you cancel them without hurting your stepmoms reputation? As PP mentioned, there are state parks and whatnot and other cheaper alternatives. I actually just saw today that there's an orchard in Sturbridge (Hyland Orchards) with a recently renovated pavillion that holds 150, that you can rent for $600. Then there is BT Smokehouse down the road that has super cheap and delicious catering. That's just an example (and part of me is wishing I went this route instead of a pricier venue), but if you would rather still have the wedding w/ your initial guest list then there are definitely options!

shannie11 · March 2012

I would not do the destination wedding. I would find a cheaper venue around here that could hold your number of people. I would also cut the photobooth since that is not neccessary. If you hadn't already sent out the save the dates my opinion would have been different.

HeatherR45 · March 2012

Since you don't have deposits on the venue or caterer, technically you aren't locked into any cost with them. Talk with your other vendors and see if you can get the deposit back, maybe some will be understanding? I would cut the photobooth and ceremony musicians and anything else that is just an extra. I've briefly looked into cocktail and appetizer only receptions and sometimes they aren't much cheaper than actually having a dinner. What about having cake and coffee/tea only reception in the afternoon? Can you change your date to Friday night instead, usually that is cheaper too. I know the save the dates already went out, but maybe guests will be understanding too. You can make really nice bouquets out of fake flowers from Michaels or Joann and cut the florist. Can you schedule your photographer for a shorter amount of time? Best of luck!!

luv2teech7 · March 2012

I'm having a destination wedding. Let me warn you that it is NOT at all cheaper!!! Granted, I'm having an 'at home' reception after, as well, but most of the costs for the wedding (Minus food) are the same for a small or larger wedding. I'm having 17 people in Florida. With taxes, gratuities, and other fees, it's running me around $12,000. What about having the wedding as a package--investing in having a coordinator and setting a set budget is very helpful. (My destination wedding has been so much easier because of this!) I didn't need a package for my reception because we're not including many of the elements you would for an entire wedding. While the site manager for that venue has been somewhat helpful, it's definitely NOT the same as having someone who helps with budget, etc.

I'm also stuck with your FI's family objecting. Are THEY willing to help with finances to make THEIR dream wedding come true? I have really struggled with that aspect---I don't want to start my lifetime ahead with causing conflict with my soon to be in-laws, but seriously, if they aren't contributing financially, it's not their call. Trying to please everyone is really hard. In the end, it's ONE DAY. I know it would be fantastic to have everything you've ever dreamed of, but focus on the elements that are 'non-negotiables' and those that are not. I was fortunate enough to have purchased a house prior to this, but seriously...it's KILLING me to watch my savings dwindle every week as I near the date. I'm not so sure I'd be willing to do this all again if I had to. I'm plagued by ignorant 'friends' who insist on adding a guest, despite not being invited to bring one, in-laws who seem to think I'm made of money, and struggling with trying to keep this what I want. My MIL wanted Jordan Almonds because they're 'tradition' in her family. I was worried about her taste so I bought containers and labels myself. $250 later, I'm now paying for a favor I believe to be gross and tacky. Really....it's the little things that add up quickly.

I think I could have been ok with a city hall wedding, rather than destination since we're doing a reception back home. In the end, I just didn't want to have regrets. I don't plan on ever doing this again.....

I wish you the best and hope you can create a new plan that will make you happy. Keep us posted!

What would you do?

Re: What would you do?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards