My FMIL guest list!

sarberrie · January 2012

Ok, so originally the plan was a small wedding, 100 people total, because based on what my parents could give me I was on a tight budget. After talking to my fiance's parents, they basically are paying for half of whatever the wedding ends up costing, which is very generous. However, we just got the guest list and they have over 100+ people! My family and I made our list and capped it out at 55, leaving some people off that we want to invite just to keep things modest and reasonable. We're not sure how to handle this. Regardless of budget, we wanted a wedding on the smaller side, around 125 people max, but FMIL seems to have pretty high expectations that everyone on her guest list is getting an invite, even if they don't all come. Another thing that's bothering us is that at least 10 people on this list are children, under the age of 10. We're planning a friday night wedding and don't really thinks its necessary that these kids are there, especially since both my fiance and I have never even met them (their kids of relatives that out of state!). Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle the guest list battle in a way that doesn't come off as bridezilla?! Initially my plan was going to be "I can only afford 100 people total so you need to cut things down" but now that they are paying half of the costs I have a feeling they are going to think they are entitled to invite as many people as they want!!!

MoonlightSilver · January 2012

If it's your FMIL, your FI should be the one dealing with her. If she's agreed to pay for half, she does get some say in your wedding. However, if your parents have given you a set amount, that also limits the amount that FILs can spend. Your FI could tell his mother that the budget only allows for so many people, so she needs to cut her list down to that number. But you need to be aware that she may offer to just pay the difference. It really comes down to whether you want to take the money and the extra guests, or turn down the money and have the guest list you want.

KitKat485 · January 2012

Wow that's tough but does your FMIL know what the cost of adding all of those other people going to be? Listen it's your wedding ( and your fiance ) you should have a small wedding if you want one. I personal think that unless the children are in the wedding party, e.i ring bearer or flower girl they should not be invited. Unless you or your fiance know these other people which it seem like you guys don't, then why would you meet them the day of your wedding? Both you and fiance need to sit down and talk to FMIL. Cause yeah she wants to help but it doesn't give her the right to control the guest list.

sarberrie · January 2012

Yeah he was just on the phone with and apparently telling her that number was too many upset her. I knew going into this I was marrying in an extremely family oriented italian family, but even he agrees that there are way to many people on her list, especially since at least 20 people on that list he has never even met before or even heard their names mentioned.

sarberrie · January 2012

Oh yes, his family is aware of what it costs......FI has 2 older twin sisters who both had weddings that were 40K+ each (and his parents paid the entire bill for those minus rehersal dinner)!

Jaridds68 · January 2012

[QUOTE]Yeah he was just on the phone with and apparently telling her that number was too many upset her. I knew going into this I was marrying in an extremely family oriented italian family, but even he agrees that there are way to many people on her list, especially since at least 20 people on that list he has never even met before or even heard their names mentioned.
Posted by sarberrie[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry she took it badly, but I do think it's good your FI is dealing with her. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems that both sets of parents are paying for the wedding? If so, then your FIL's do have a say with the guest list. When it comes to guests that you've never met, focus on the extra cost, not that you've never met them. With the kids - did your parents keep kids off of their list? If not that might be tricky to explain why you don't want those 10 kids from your FIL's list. But if you and your FI want an adult only event that should be something your FI should talk to his mother about. Also, does your venue have a max # of guests allowed? As long as your FIL's are willing to pay for their guests, you may have to go along with having a slightly larger wedding than you planned, but if your FI focuses on the venue's cap, and how much extra the guests will cost, perhaps you'll get the # to go down.

We're dealing with guest list inflation as well, and with guests whom I've never met before. If it makes my FIL's happy though, and they're willing to pony up the $ to cover their extra guests, I won't pick that fight.

sarberrie · January 2012

My family is very small, and there are no young children to even invite. Both sets of parents are giving $$. My parents are contributing 15K and FI parents just said they are paying half. I don't want this to even become about $$ but FI pointed out that his parents guest list is double what mine is, so if they want that many guests, paying half isn't going to cut it, they are going to have to cover the costs of guests that are beyond what my list is. I'm not going to bring that up in the discussion, but if he wants to point it out it's up to him. I understand since they are contributing they do have say in the guest list and I was going to be ok with them having 75ish people on the list, but over 100 is a little ridiculous if you ask me. The venues we are looking at can hold up to 250 people I believe, but, they can only hold that many if more than one dining room is used, so guests would be separated during eating. All in all, neither of us are comfortable with "being put on display" which is what this whole thing is starting to turn into, nor do we want to spend our entire reception talking to a bunch of people we've never even met before, which is why we wanted small in the first place.

akulaji · January 2012

If you want a smaller wedding, that's your choice. It's YOUR wedding. One way to possibly deal with 'strangers' being invited it to have your FI tell his mom that this is a very personal experience for you both and you want to share that time with your friends and family... not strangers. A wedding is a very intimate occassion and if that's what you want, that's what you want.

If I were you, I'd have your FI set some parameters and let her choose her people from there. That way she's given some say, but she still understands whose wedding it is. For example, I would say you can invite 75 people... it's an all adult wedding/reception and we want to have a personal relationship with everyone there... no strangers or people we've not spent time with. It sounds like that may cut down on the list a bit. If she's can't understand your request to have people at your wedding that you actually know, I think FI is going to have to have a heart to heart with her about the size and feel that you're going for. Yes, they do have some say, since they're contributing, but they should also honor your request.

sarberrie · January 2012

Worse comes to worse we elope and go to Vegas LOL. FI has actually suggested it more than once, knowing that we're probably going to get bullied into having a type of wedding we don't want.

KitKat485 · January 2012

Yeah eloping always sounds like a good idea but remember that your parents have been imaging your wedding day for years. Plus your FMIL should not bully you and FI into doing what she wants because she has the money.

Carebear62584 · January 2012

We are kind of in the same situation but reversed. My parents have to live up to the family that my cousin's have invited to their weddings in the last few years. FI's mom/stepdad are generously paying for half of the wedding and my parents the other half. Well, his half is about 75 and my side is about 150. FI's parents are still paying up to 100 since our original thought was about 200 people but my parents are paying beyond whatever happens after that first 100. My parents know this and agree to it. We are also having very few children. We are having the 2 RB's, 2 FG's, FI's only other child cousin (her siblings are RB and FG), and my 2 cousins who will be handing out programs and doing the blessing. All of the kids will be at their own separate table.

As for the children in your situation. What about if you suggested to your FMIL that instead of inviting the children and spending the money on them, they could get a babysitter at a nearby hotel and you could hire a couple of people to babysit them? I actually did that at a wedding my parents when to when I was in high school. It was a good way to make a little extra money and the parents got to enjoy their night.

Good luck!

MoonlightSilver · January 2012

So my mother is actually the same as your MIL- my mom wants to invite everyone she's ever met. I convinced her to cut down her guest list by offering to do wedding announcements. There were a number of people she wanted to invite "just because it's nice- they'll never come anyway!" but I wasn't going to risk it. By sending these people wedding announcements, my mother still feels like we're treating them special, but I don't have to worry about them showing up at the wedding. Your FI might want to try this!

Jaridds68 · January 2012

You should also check out the etiquette board, the themes that are coming up in your situation come up A LOT over there.
It would be really nice for your FMIL to honor what you want, but unless you and your FI want to pay for the wedding, concessions will have to be made to the ppl paying. Out of curiousity have you talked with your FMIL about her wedding and how it was planned? It could be she had no little to no say and is just assuming this is how it's done.
You mentioned ~250 cap for the venues you're looking at, but that you'd be splitting the guests into two dining rooms? FInd out the # of ppl to fit into one dining room, and go with that as your cap # when your FI talks to his mom about cutting down her list.
During the reception you're going to be spending a lot of time talking to everyone in the room, but for short little time bursts, and you'll be on such a wedding high that you prob won't care/notice the strangers that are there. Right now it seems like a big deal, but day-of those details prob won't matter to you. Good luck!

ETA: my FI have joked about eloping as well...when the planning gets stressful it often seems like the best idea

MoonlightSilver · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_fmil-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:65Discussion:fbb99e96-0d40-4874-9d21-83d85303722bPost:f6f7d29a-fe2d-4ab7-bf41-e760cb41aae4">Re: My FMIL guest list!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, this is definitely going to be a tricky situation. I like the idea of wedding announcements! <strong>My other thought is to do more than 1 round of inviations. The FIL can invite 75 people from their list and as the NO's come in, sent invites out to the remaining people on the list, that way everyone may end up getting an invitation. </strong>I'm just worried b/c even though the FIL's say that there is no way that some of the people on the list will come (she wants to invite relatives from Italy), there's always that chance. FI told me the last time family from Italy was here was about 6 or 7yrs ago, so who knows, if they get an invite they may think, hey we haven't been to the states in a while, here's a good reason to go. I also like the idea of expressing that this is a personal and intimate occassion, and we don't need people there who we don't even know. The wedding is a long way off (sometime in summer 2013) and I feel already like its becoming less about the two of us getting married and more about the party.........
Posted by sarberrie[/QUOTE]

<div>I would really suggest you do NOT do this. It's calling b-listing, and it's really offensive to the people who are on the second tier. It's like telling them "you weren't good enough to come to my wedding, but no one else wants to come so I guess I will invite you." There's a post every once in a while on the Etiquette board from a girl who gets a b-list (she knows she's second tier bc someone else she knows got an invite earlier, or the RSVP date is already gone past) and they're always extremely hurt by it. </div>

My FMIL guest list!

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