pay for drinks at rehearsal dinner?

desert*bride · August 2010

So I know everyone on here pretty much agrees that cash bar for receptions is not cool. and I totally agree. I am curious though, is it the same for rehearsal dinners?

Most likely FI and I will be hosting the rehearsal dinner in a backyard and ordering in pizza or someting simple like that. In that case, we will be supplying beer and wine or maybe margaritas. however, I've also thought about holding the rehearsal dinner at a restaurant that we really like... but we would never be able to afford the bar tab.

What is the protocol for rehearsal dinners?

LuluP82 · August 2010

I say there's no difference. It's still a party you're hosting, so you host the party you can afford. If that means backyard bbq with beer, that's great; if it means a fancy dinner with nice centerpieces and vintage wine, that's what it is.

The no cash bar at the reception thing isn't about the wedding, per se-- it's about the idea of throwing a party and expecting people to pay their way, which is essentially what you're doing when you ask people to pay for their own drinks at a dinner party.

Now, if you decided to have said rehearsal at the restaurant, and you provided bottles of wine with dinner, and, because it's a restaurant with a full bar, one of your guests decides to go to the bar and grab a cocktail...in my opinion, that's okay, because you're offering him adequate refreshments, and he chooses to go out and get a cocktail. SInce you're not shutting down the restaurant/bar for your party, I don't see how you could prevent it from happening, anyway. Kind of like if you have a beer and wine reception in a hotel and a guest goes to the hotel bar to get a martini...that's okay. But it's not okay to divvy up the bar tab at the end of the night between the guests, or ask your guests to pay for their own drinks.

frenchy730 · August 2010

I'm not completley sure on the "rules" for rehearsal dinner, but the way I see it, the rehearsal dinner is a party hosted by you (or another family member) to thank the attendees for taking the time to come out to the rehearsal. You shouldn't ask them to pay for drinks.

HOWEVER I do think that it is completely fine to just cover beer and wine, as long as all your guests know.

Sidenote: We did a bbq/pizza/bonfire thing with just beer and margaritas, and everyone had so much fun. And we saved a ton of money by doing it this way.

banana468 · August 2010

IMO it's almost worse to have a cash bar at the RD. Not only is it the post rehearsal meal but it's also seen as a TY your wedding party for what they've done. And they should absolutely not be asked to pay for their beverages at an event that is fairly mandatory and one where they often take time from work to attend.

If sticking to a backyard event means you can afford the booze, go with that.

twinkie757 · August 2010

I wish all of you ladies would tell my future ILs that it is customary to pay for the drinks. we are going to a restaurant and they are having ALL alcohol put on each individuals tab because my FMIL thinks alcohol is evil.

I do think that if you are throwing a backyard party whatever you provide is fine, but if you go to a restaurant you should be covering all of the costs if they choose to have a drink.

desert*bride · August 2010

good points. thank you! we will most likely go with the backyard catering and drinks!

jnic0319 · August 2010

I completely disagree with pp. However, I have never been to a RD that offered alcoholic beverages free of charge. I also have never had the desire to drink at the RD. I think if you can afford a couple coolers of beer and wine than awesome!! If not I would not be offended in the least.

I actually asked for no alcohol at the RD but FMIL insisted and she's paying so I went with it. I'm obviously in the minority here though.

jnic0319 · August 2010

Also, why are you having a bar for pizza in your backyard? This is completely unnecessary. Just have coolers or just have a dry rehearsal it seems silly to have bar tenders, let me know if I'm somehow wrong here.

frenchy730 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pay-drinks-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30e15b45-7bdd-47b0-8650-4ad637b086c4Post:fadf09c3-aaeb-4896-b0eb-a7a321add74f">Re: pay for drinks at rehearsal dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, why are you having a bar for pizza in your backyard? This is completely unnecessary. Just have coolers or just have a dry rehearsal it seems silly to have bar tenders, let me know if I'm somehow wrong here.
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]
I don't think she meant she was hiring a bartender. As I understood it, she was thinking of doing pizza or some other simple food in her backyard and having available beer, wine, and margaritas. The bar only came into play when considering the restaurant option. I might be wrong though.

jnic0319 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pay-drinks-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:30e15b45-7bdd-47b0-8650-4ad637b086c4Post:63e90e0a-6a52-46d4-84ce-7a0d6e781145">Re: pay for drinks at rehearsal dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: pay for drinks at rehearsal dinner? : I don't think she meant she was hiring a bartender. As I understood it, she was thinking of doing pizza or some other simple food in her backyard and having available beer, wine, and margaritas. The bar only came into play when considering the restaurant option. I might be wrong though.
Posted by frenchy730[/QUOTE]

Oh OK I guess I misread, in that case I think a dry rehearsal would be completely acceptable or serving beer and wine which should be very inexpensive. If it's at a restaurant I would say the same thing, beer and wine on tables like above poster is doing and when it's gone it's gone, or dry RD. Again, I don't think alcohol is necessary at RD's so take that into consideration haha.

andy71781 · August 2010

We brought in beer and wine for the RD - it was pretty casual. I think as long as you serve some beverage and don't make people pay for something you aren't offering then you are fine. I say go with beer and wine.

desert*bride · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pay-drinks-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30e15b45-7bdd-47b0-8650-4ad637b086c4Post:04961e06-ee89-4242-89a3-82a0794757a2">Re: pay for drinks at rehearsal dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, host what you can afford. If that is a backyard BBQ with beer/wine, fantastic. (Those are always so much fun). If you have it at the restaurant, it would be great to cover the cost of the drinks. Here is what we are doing. Maybe you can do something similar if you do the restaurant. We have reserved a private room at a restaurant and are providing wine (one red and one white) on each table, along with a bucket of beer. When that is gone, it's gone. Soda/water/tea are available for the duration (2.5 hours) of the RD. The restaurant is putting a menu at each seat that lists the menu and something like "please enjoy the beverages at your table, compliments of the bride & groom." If a guest wants hard liquor, they can visit the bar in the main room of the restaurant.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

I think this is a great idea! If we do decide to go with a restaurant, I think I would opt for something like this.

ARod22 · August 2010

We are getting a restaurant package that includes unlimited coffee/tea/soda. In addition, we are planning to purchase several bottles of wine, because in my opinion it's right to provide at least that with dinner (in my family, anyway). We just can't afford to buy everyone's beer or cocktails. We are not actually saying anything on the menu about it, and we're not making an issue of it... but if people want to, they are free to use the restaurant's cash bar on their own.

mysticl · August 2010

I've never been to a RD that had a bar for the event. At the ones that were in restaurants a waitress came to our table and took our drink orders prior to the meal being served. Then they would do a loop every so often to see if anyone needed anything. I don't think anyone ever had more than 2 drinks.

jesibel14 · August 2010

I agree with the PP that said open bar is more important at an RD than the wedding. You're thanking your closest friends/family for standing beside you. They most likely spent a good chunk of $ to be in your wedding. IMO, those people deserve the best that you can afford.

With that said, we are doing a backyard bbq at our new house and having a catering company come in to BBQ on site. We'll provide the beer, wine and sangria (as well as sodas). We did this instead of a restaurant since hosting an open bar for our bridal party was a top priority (and we have 50 people coming!).

ohwhynot · August 2010

I think you absolutely pay for drinks. That may mean that your rehearsal dinner only includes the wedding party (with significant others), your parents, and yourselves. It may mean that you have a casual get-together instead of a fancy restaurant.

But whatever option you go with, you pay for their drinks.

Jnic, I'm a little confused that you don't understand having a rehearsal dinner that includes drinks. I'm not talking about the after-dinner bar time, I mean the usual drinks before and/or with your dinner. You really never have a glass of wine, say, with your dinner just because it's a rehearsal dinner?

pay for drinks at rehearsal dinner?

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