Guests' dates?

Antrimjc · December 2010

Hi,

I'm getting married in Europe at a very special place to me and my fiancée. Our venue only holds 90 people. We both have very large families, along with half of the guest list residing in Europe. In order to keep the numbers under 90, I chose to not invite our first cousin's girlfriends or boyfriends. We are hosting a large reception back in the USA where they will be invited and welcome to come.

Please note that I haven't met the girlfriends or boyfriends of my cousins. My cousins won't be traveling alone, they are traveling with their parents.

Have I broken any rules? or a terrible cousin for not allowing them to bring guests because there simply is not enough room?

Thanks,

JC

Wrkn925 · December 2010

Just ask yourself, how comfortable would you be traveling to another country without your significant other, the day before you were engaged, when you were still a "girlfriend"?

PsyDet 2155 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:26d9e2fa-bd44-4186-af47-faefa55dcb26">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just ask yourself, how comfortable would you be traveling to another country without your significant other, the day before you were engaged, when you were still a "girlfriend"?
Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]

Exactly.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

No one gives a flying crap whether YOU know these people or not. It's not about you. It's about making your invited guests feel comfortable by inviting their significant others. Especially if it involves international travel, for christ's sake.

Either properly host your guests or don't invite them.

Oh, and don't invite people to a "reception" for something they aren't invited to in the first place.

annakb8 · December 2010

My FI was invited to a wedding without me when I was just a "girlfriend" (we got engaged two weeks later, but whatever) and I was pissed. This wedding was in my hometown and I was upset about him going without me. If he got invited to a wedding in Europe without me I would have been LIVID. No way would he have taken a European vacation without me.

What is special to you and your fiance? The town, city or country? Or the particular ceremony space? Because if it is the former find another venue. If it is the latter, you should probably still find another venue. Beautiful churches (and other potential ceremony spaces) are a dime a dozen in Europe. I'm sure you can find something.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:36c646fb-1518-486a-970f-34af2c8bc519">Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I'm getting married in Europe at a very special place to me and my fiancée. Our venue only holds 90 people. We both have very large families, along with half of the guest list residing in Europe. In order to keep the numbers under 90, I chose to not invite our first cousin's girlfriends or boyfriends. We are hosting a large reception back in the USA where they will be invited and welcome to come. Please note that I haven't met the girlfriends or boyfriends of my cousins. My cousins won't be traveling alone, they are traveling with their parents. <strong>Have I broken any rules?</strong> or a terrible cousin for not allowing them to bring guests because there simply is not enough room? Thanks, JC
Posted by Antrimjc[/QUOTE]

Yes you did. Regardless of your relationship to the SO, couples in relationships are a package deal. I know I'd be pretty ticked off to expect to fly out of the country without my SO.

Antrimjc · December 2010

AnnaKB-
Just recently my Fiancee was invited to a wedding and I wasn't and in no way was I pissed or offended. I had never met the bride or groom. I understood!

As far as my venue and chapel go they are both VERY special places to me. The town in particular because I used to live there and it's where my grandmother is from and a lot of my family currently lives.

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:a7149df2-06a8-4f05-8719-9fcdf4d7a1a3">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]AnnaKB- Just recently my Fiancee was invited to a wedding and I wasn't and in no way was I pissed or offended. I had never met the bride or groom. I understood! As far as my venue and chapel go they are both VERY special places to me. The town in particular because I used to live there and it's where my grandmother is from and a lot of my family currently lives.
Posted by Antrimjc[/QUOTE]

Well, as long as it's more important to you than the comfort of your guests and their feelings about you, then go for it. But you asked this question on an etiquette board, and the proper etiquette is certainly not to break apart social units for the sake of your venue.

FutureMrsTR · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:a7149df2-06a8-4f05-8719-9fcdf4d7a1a3">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]AnnaKB-<strong> Just recently my Fiancee was invited to a wedding and I wasn't and in no way was I pissed or offended. I had never met the bride or groom. I understood!</strong> As far as my venue and chapel go they are both VERY special places to me. The town in particular because I used to live there and it's where my grandmother is from and a lot of my family currently lives.
Posted by Antrimjc[/QUOTE]

Well, aren't you special? Most people would be pissed. And if I or H had been invited to an overseas wedding without the other even when we were just dating, we probably wouldn't have gone. OR we would have brought the other person anyway and left them for the ceremony and not attended the reception.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

Ok, then cut down your guest list. Maybe don't invite the cousins. Seriously, you need to properly host everyone you DO invite. And if you can't invite their SOs or pay to feed them or what have you, you don't invite them.

I would definitely rather NOT be invited to a wedding than be invited to spend $$$ on international travel and not be treated with proper etiquette.

shortee426 · December 2010

Didn't you post this on another board and get the same answers? I feel like I saw this same question before.

EDIT: Yup.

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_plus-one

Beachy730 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:a7149df2-06a8-4f05-8719-9fcdf4d7a1a3">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]AnnaKB- Just recently my Fiancee was invited to a wedding and I wasn't and in no way was I pissed or offended. I had never met the bride or groom. I understood! As far as my venue and chapel go they are both VERY special places to me. The town in particular because I used to live there and it's where my grandmother is from and a lot of my family currently lives.
Posted by Antrimjc[/QUOTE]

Well that's great that you weren't pissed, but most people would be. And that B&G were incredibly rude to not invite the soon to be wife of someone they are close enough with to invite to their wedding. I find it hard to believe someone would actually do this which makes me feel this is a lie to make your situation sound better.

Either invite their SO's, or don't invite your cousins at all. Your relationship with the SO has no bearing on what is right and wrong. We invited friends of H's to our wedding who I had never met because they lived across the country from us. They were important to him, and their SO's who neither of us had met were important to them, so that meant they deserved an invite as well.

annakb8 · December 2010

Antrimjc--good for you that you weren't pissed off. I am not alone though, I know all of my FIs friends that did not get to bring their girlfriends either were also upset. I have heard of other girls on this board who were put in this situation and they were also upset. Your cousins will probably be upset. And, if I was dating your cousin I would most definetly come with. I would not crash the actual ceremony or reception, but I would go to Europe with them and find something else to do that day/evening.

By the way, I am a curious person. Would you mind sharing where you will be getting married?

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

The fact that you're considering this for a DW is even more stunning. Your friends and loved ones will be using their vacation time and spending goodly sums of money to attend your wedding. Do you really want to stand strong on this and say "I understand that the flight is x hours and costs x dollars, and I'm not ignorant to the fact that you are allotted only 2 weeks of vacation each year. However, I want to have my wedding at this darling chapel where FI complimented my hair for the first time so, sadly, you will have to vacaton separately from your significant other this year"? Because that's the message that this sends.

shortee426 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:7c74bb80-f1e2-47f6-946f-17982d4d57c2">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]You all are ridiculous! Haven't your heard of a destination wedding of your closest family and friends. That doesn't include cousins significant others you have never met. It technically wouldn't even include cousins. And generally with a destination wedding you have a reception at home for the people that want to share this special time with you, but aren't invited to the destination. You can't say she should change her venue when it is clearly special, you can't give up your dreams and plans in hopes of not pissing off a few family member. The day is about your and your fiance sharing/starting your life together, you can't worry about other people. Family are the people that should understand weddings are expensive and often have limited guest lists, if you haven't even met their significant other, why do they get to enjoy your wedding when you may never see them again. Yet you don't have room or budget to invite others that you will be lifelong friends with. The line has to be drawn somewhere and you are all completely wrong to say she crossed the line! Each wedding is specific to the particular situation and the persons involved. These forums are created for support not bashing...maybe you should all consider bridezillas.
Posted by Kelly2067[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>There is so much wrong with this.

</div>

Beachy730 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:7c74bb80-f1e2-47f6-946f-17982d4d57c2">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]You all are ridiculous! Haven't your heard of a destination wedding of your closest family and friends. That doesn't include cousins significant others you have never met. <strong> It technically wouldn't even include cousins. And generally with a destination wedding you have a reception at home for the people that want to share this special time with you, but aren't invited to the destination.</strong> You can't say she should change her venue when it is clearly special, you can't give up your dreams and plans in hopes of not pissing off a few family member. <strong>The day is about your and your fiance sharing/starting your life together, you can't worry about other people.</strong> Family are the people that should understand weddings are expensive and often have limited guest lists, if you haven't even met their significant other, why do they get to enjoy your wedding when you may never see them again. Yet you don't have room or budget to invite others that you will be lifelong friends with. The line has to be drawn somewhere and you are all completely wrong to say she crossed the line! Each wedding is specific to the particular situation and the persons involved. These forums are created for support not bashing...maybe you should all consider bridezillas.
Posted by Kelly2067[/QUOTE]

Please go away. This is the etiquette board, and what the OP and you are suggesting is horrible etiquette.

1. DW don't have to be just close family and friends, it's for who you want to invite, and most choose to do only close family and friends. She chose to invite cousins, so she needs to extend the invites to their SO.
2. The AHR is not for guest you didn't invite, it's for guests you invited who couldn't make it to the DW.
3. You have a horrible attitude about properly hosting your guests. Your wedding stops being about just you and your FI the minute you invite other people to celebrate it with you. YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

Again, I repeat, please go away.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

It was rude last week, and it's still rude this week.

Excluding those s/o's is a huge slight to your cousins. You personally may not have minded being so mistreated by your FI's family, but most people do. These things don't end with the wedding, either. Your cousins will harbor resentment that you did this to their s/os for years.

Your wedding is not license to behave this way.

cengle · December 2010

AND here we go.....

aurianna · December 2010

As everyone has said, yes, you should invite them.

Something else to take into consideration:
Not all of your cousins' or their S/Os are going to pull hundreds of dollars out of their pocket and take vacation time to come.
So your logic of "I've never met these people" doesn't work. Because the S/Os that want to come are most likely "the long haul" type. It's very likely you WILL meet them again. Like at their weddings that they'll feel justified in not inviting your husband to since they've never met him.

The S/Os that are newer or aren't as serious (aka the ones you don't want to pay for) might not want to come anyway. Heck; I felt too weird about going to mexico with my future in-laws last year, and my FI and I had been together for 5 years.

If you invite the cousins you need to invite the whole social unit.
The ones that come are very likely to be sticking around for a while, so be gracious.

theanglfac · December 2010

I definitely understand how hard it is to put together a guest list. I have also been to an international wedding and my boyfriend was invited, even though he had only met the bride and groom once (the bride did not even remember meeting him). I would not have gone without him, but it was in India so I would not have felt that safe. That being said I was going to attend a wedding in London (stupid volcano) and even though my boyfriend was invited, we could not afford for both of us to go. So I was going to go alone. (I also use to live in London and have lots of friends there).

As a guest when you spend the money to fly across the ocean, you are more than likely going to stay and travel awhile. That would be more fun with your significant other. We are inviting people from London and letting them bring guests even if its not a significant other because its such a big commitment to go.

I would say definitely invite them. Depending on their financial situations, all the significant others won't come. Or just invite the cousins to the at home reception. If it was closer to home. I would probably be more on your side.

ast284 · December 2010

I have to ask, how old are your cousins? Because I have a few first cousins that I would not be inviting their S/O due to the fact that they are between the ages of 13 and 17. So if it were to be a situation like that, I would totally understand not doing it. For me to consider them a social unit I would think they would at least need to be old enough to vote. If I were particularly close with or in the WP I would invite them. In my case I have a cousin who will be 17 but she will be a BM and will be more than welcome to bring a boyfriend if she has one. I think the age could really factor in, because I know I have a lot of younger cousins and to me that does make a difference.

doctabroccoli · December 2010

Are we sure Kelly#s is not an AE of the OP?

ETA: Well, maybe not based on the join dates. But it sure sounds like it.

Beachy730 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:82d1dcd2-fc4b-4ae8-987a-db7de08adc29">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]Are we sure Kelly#s is not an AE of the OP? ETA: Well, maybe not based on the join dates. But it sure sounds like it.
Posted by doctabroccoli[/QUOTE]

Oh I definitely considered that. I already checked out the dates and the names to look for matches. No luck. But I still think it could be her AE. Especially since neither have come back.

doctabroccoli · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:891f4d14-d726-40ec-aff7-96a8ae12bbf2">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests' dates? : Oh I definitely considered that. I already checked out the dates and the names to look for matches. No luck. But I still think it could be her AE. Especially since neither have come back.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Like it may have been her original account and then she made a new one or something...

bdriley · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:b7c30ae9-4c63-416d-991a-14514c371d97">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests' dates? : No, you don't. You can invite 100 people to a destination wedding. If only 20 of them make it, you can host the other 80 people at a BBQ when you get back. <strong>But you shouldn't invite people to a big party where you have a cake anda dress and say, "Look at my gorgeous pictures from Jamaica! So sorry you weren't even invited to witness it!" That's just rubbing it in their face</strong>. You invite who you want to invite to your WEDDING. If the can't travel, that's on them. Also, how do you know your cousin's boyfriend WON'T turn into your cousin's husband? And like I said, it's about making a person who is traveling and attending your wedding fell comfortable. It's about respecting their relationship on a day that is about your own relationship. <strong>These forums are for advice, not support. We are advising her that she will make people angry. That's where you're wrong.</strong>
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Who said a home reception was a display of what everyone missed? Or that the couple would be so arrogant to point out everything? People ask questions, they are given answers. I doubt anyone would stand at a podium with a slide show pointing out all the finite details of their wedding that people who didn't come missed. You can easily have a photo album in an area where people can choose to go to look at them and just have a welcome back type party chatting with all the people you want to invite. Presented in this way, people not invited to the wedding ought to get an opportunity to celebrate with the couple if they want to. I would feel worse not being invited to any celebration for a friend's wedding than I would being invited to a home reception after the fact.

Asking for advice is a sign of respect for someone's opinion on the subject. Belittling the opinions of others is not a way to earn respect. There are a number of support groups that give advice. The Knot should be an advice group that is supportive of those seeking advice even when you disagree with it.

As far as cousins go, how old are they? If they are travelling with their parents I wonder if this SO business is relevant. Under 18 means you're invited with your parents not with a guest. If your cousins are traveling with their parents I see that as their parents are paying for their trip. If the cousin has a SO that wants to go then they have to be pretty serious for cousins parents to pay for SO to go too. Secondly, overseas trips are expensive and chances are the people travelling to your wedding will want to do some sightseeing too. If the couple is serious enough to want to travel abroad together then it might be a factor in determining if they're serious enough to warrant an and guest for the cousin's invite. DWs present a financial issue for guests. One so far away will probably cut the number that will come. On one side this means allowing SO will probably not impact the total number of guests very much. On the other, if you choose not to invite SO and a cousin feels strongly enough about the relationship then they may ask you if its alright to invite a guest. In that case you can assume the relationship is serious and allow it. I have a hard time believing that a cousin's SO will hold it against you for not inviting them once they start to plan their own wedding and realize how much it costs for just 'one more guest'. If they become family then they will understand. If they don't then you just need to make sure things are still okay with you and your cousin(s).

DNAtime · December 2010

Ast- I agree with you....If the cousins are still "children" I don't think that their S/Os need to be invited to a family event when the cousins are attending with their parents as a family .
I was wondering about this when she mentioned that the cousins would be travelin with their parents.

What does E think? If the cousins are under 18 does this same rule apply?

mica178 · December 2010

dnb, you're like a hunter stalking prey with these etiquette offenders. It's impressively scary.

Edited for spelling.

kebmtm071605 · December 2010

That's pretty rotten of you. They're traveling ALL that way for a big expensive trip, and you didn't invite their significant others?

This would be bad if your wedding were anywhere, but much worse given that they have to travel/pay a lot of $/take vacation time to be there.

mica178 · December 2010

I highly doubt that this question would be an issue if the cousins were all under 18. No, 13 year olds do not need to get a "+1." But adult cousins who are traveling to a different country should be allowed to take their significant other. If it's not a serious relationship or if the significant other cannot afford to travel, it's up to that person to decide whether or not to go, but etiquette says that if your cousin is in a serious relationship (regardless of whether or not you've met the GF/BF), that person should be invited too.

squirrly · December 2010

I responded to the other thread too.

It sounded to me like the cousins are adults, but that their parents are also invited, and the OP thinks that's sufficient so they won't be lonely. If the cousins are high school graduates and have an SO, the SO needs to be invited, regardless. That's the etiquette rule. But, it's just common courtesy - most couples want to spend their vacation together. It's really rude to expect them to do otherwise, especially when it's an international destination we're talking about.

As for everybody that's horrified that people didn't tell the OP that this is acceptable - she asked a question. People answered. That's the way forums work. This one wasn't created for head nodding, ego stroking, and back patting. It was created for brides to get and give candid advice for wedding planning.

Welcome to the boards.

Beachy730 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b183d59f-ea9e-495b-9772-92b7fa9a2338Post:bdd385da-632e-4012-bcda-a71ee03ac6ff">Re: Guests' dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests' dates? : Saying " Yes, you broke etiquette." and saying "You're such a lousy person for doing that. How DARE you?!" are two entirely different things. You can be supportive while sharing advice. That's the point I'm making. And yes dnbeach12, I am aware of what board I'm posting to.
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

Well if you read the first few posts, people did tell her what proper etiquette is, and why she should follow it. To which she then further tried to prove that it would be okay in her instance.

There is a difference in calling someone a lousy person and saying they have a bad idea. I suggest you learn the difference before posting on this board or else you're sure to find yourself upset when it's not necessary. Not one person called the OP a lousy person. Many people told her it would be rude and a horrible thing to do to her cousins, and there were many reasons provided as to why it's rude. We don't sugar coat our answers on this board, and I honestly don't know how you would sugar coat it when someone asks if it's okay to ask her cousins to fly around the world for her wedding but not invite their SO's.

Guests' dates?

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