Disagreement on Wedding Location

lizzgriz · March 2012

Hello everyone!! I've been engaged for about three days and I've run into my first wedding disagreement. My fiance and I are having trouble deciding where to have our wedding. We both live in the Atlanta area, but my family lives about 1.5 hours Northeast of us and his family lives about 1.5 hours Northwest of us. We want to have a wedding in October so that we can make use of the beautiful fall scenery.

I've always dreamed about having a mountain wedding, and since my parents want to pay for the wedding, they think it's best to have the wedding in my hometown. We know all kinds of vendors and my parents can help me coordinate details of the wedding if it's in my hometown. Plus, I would love it to be in my hometown because the area is beautiful and would make for the perfect mountain fall wedding.

My fiance is worried that if we have it in my hometown, then people from his hometown won't come because of the travel. He wants to have the wedding somewhere in between, which would probably mean Atlanta. I really don't want a city wedding, it will be more expensive, my parents won't be as happy, and BOTH families would have to travel to attend.

Am I being unfair by wanting to have the wedding in my hometown? If not, how do I get him to see that this could be a wonderful wedding opportunity?

Thanks for your thoughts/advice!

my6641 · March 2012

I think the bottom line is - if your parents are paying, and they want it to be in your hometown, then that's where it should be. It doesn't make sense for him to go against your parents' wishes and still expect them to pay, especially if the location he wants is going to be more expensive!

[Deleted User] · March 2012

I definitely understand both sides of your situation. I agree that a pro-cons list is helpful (although I did one and we against the list)! You and your FI need to decide what's better for YOU as a couple. Does he have an extremely large family compared to yours? Is there another location in between, not Atlanta, that you can agree on?

Is it SO far that they don't want to drive a few hours to see your special day?
My FI was also worried that his side of the family wouldn't travel. Our wedding is in Pennsylvania and his familly and friends all live in Germany. It turns out, almost all of his guest list said they're coming, and the only reason we got a no is because the couple will be on their own honeymoon! He may be surprised how willing family and friends will be to be a part of your special day!

AdeleDazeem · March 2012

1.5 hours is not far, especially for a wedding. I drove 2.5 hours (through Manhattan and Queens!) to see my coworkers get married. I even drove back that night!

People travel for weddings - that's how they are. It's not uncommon for the bride and groom to be from two different places and one side (or both sides!) need to travel.

As long as your hometown has hotels that guests can stay at should they not want to drive home (although, 1.5 hours is so short that many probably will), then you're fine.

JaxInBlue · March 2012

I agree with most of the PPs. If your parents are covering as much or more of the wedding costs than you and your FI, they definitely get a vote on where the wedding is being held. I don't think that means you ignore your FI and his family, but you should focus your conversation with him on the benefits of having the wedding someplace where you get vendor discounts, as well as how many people might be traveling (especially if his family is disproportionately larger), and who might not be able to attend if your wedding in your hometown.

That said, if the benefits of your hometown continue to outweigh the inconveniences of his family traveling more, you might be able to consider a few things to make things easier on this family, such as making sure you negotiate the best deal you can on hotel rooms, possibly covering the hotel rooms for his immediate family, asking FI to take charge of several elements for the wedding that would be meaningful to him and his family.

You could also agree that if any parties are hosted for you, and you are given a choice of location, that you would consider either the midpoint or his hometown as the location.

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

I agree, 1.5 hours is not that far. People travel internationally for weddings.

There are a ton of nice resorts and venues all over north Georgia. I would suggest spending a weekend with your FI visiting places in all the towns between your hometown and his that are still north of Atlanta. Personally, I've been to weddings in Dahlonega, Hiwaissi (sp?) and Blue Ridge, and all were beautiful with amazing mountain views. Perhaps you will find a venue that you both love, and it will make sense. Have you looked at the wineries and resorts north of Dahlonega on 400? It seems that this area would be in the middle without being in Atlanta.

Jenni8412 · March 2012

I agree with pp's on doing a pro-con list and figuring out priorities for you, your FI, and your parents (since it's their $) and figure out what will please all best. As far as a midpoint, you don't have to come all the way down into ATL, look at venues around Norcross or Roswell, or even Dahlonega or Helen for that mountain feel. Most people expect to travel a certain extent for a wedding and people around ATL expect to spend time in their cars either way - love that traffic! A big factor to keep in mind is that most vendors will travel to a certain extent... Maybe you can still get that great family-friend deal in your hometown and just spend an extra $50-100 for their travel, at most. One thing to remember pertaining to your FI's concerns would be that Southern tradition typically places the wedding in the bride's hometown, so his family and friends may be prepared for a little travel in that respect, anyway!

toothpastechica · March 2012

Honestly, every wedding people are going to have to travel so I dont think thats a valid argument (unless 99% of your guest list lives in one place). Our wedding is 4 hours away from us, in my mothers hometown (not even mine) because we like the location and its reletively close to a few of FI's extended family too, so far the only person who has said they cant make it, wouldnt have been able to make it if it was anywhere else either since shes from england and its a time issue not a distance issue. As long as there is hotels should people want them, I dont think distance is a big deal, its more about where you 2 as a couple WANT to get married, and whats more convenient for planning, and costs...I would look into specific venues as a couple in both (all three?) locations and figure out what feel you want for the wedding, how much the various areas cost, how large or small the venues are and go from there...Since you are newly engaged, you probably have some time, dont sweat it untill you have looked at some places together and be prepared to compromise.

NOLAbridealmost · March 2012

Picking a neutral location where EVERYONE has to travel seems like a really goofy "solution" to FI's problem with doing it in your hometown. Maybe your FI would prefer to do it somewhere that holds meaning for him (like where you currently live)?

blgrout · March 2012

FI and thought about doing the whole "have the wedding in the middle" scenario, as his family lives 4 hours from us, and my family and our friends live in roughly the same area that we do. We looked here, there and in the middle and fell in love with a venue that's 15 minutes from our house. His family is in a small town, and EVERYONE gets married there, so initially they were pretty pissed that we were going to have the wedding up here, but they got over it, and most everyone in his family is coming to the wedding, no hard feelings over traveling.

This will sort itself out, I promise. Congrats on getting engaged, BTW.

pittpoint1119 · March 2012

People will travel no matter what and if they don't O well. Don't get upset if they won't travel. I have a few older relatives that hate to drive far and have suggested to my aunts and uncles if they can take them and car pool. It will all work out. But I do understand both pros and cons. We decided since my parents are paying for most of the wedding to have it near my house. Plus we want to get married in my church.

colourz · March 2012

First, if your parents are paying it would be unfair and inconsiderate not to have it in their town. It would also be more costly! Second, if it's in your home town, only half the people will have to travel. What is the point of making it somewhere that everyone will have to travel? Three hours is no big deal. People travel thousands of miles for weddings. His guests would have to travel 1.5 hrs already if it were in Atlanta. Also, you will have your parents to help you coordinate the wedding, using vendors they know and a place that is meaningful and has the mountains you love.

SCogs18 · March 2012

If your parents are paying, it should be where they want it...in their hometown. My FI and I were in the same situation. It's kind of fun to drive home to do wedding stuff with my mom!

I get that he is worried people from his hometown won't come if they have to travel, but what is his solution for your family/friends if you were to have the ceremony in his hometown? Have it where you live now and everyone must travel? It goes both ways.

sbelle85 · March 2012

I agree that if you and your parents want it to be in your hometown, and they're the ones paying for it, that's where it should be.

You're fortunate to have parents who have graciously volunteered to pay for the wedding. If anyone is being unfair, it's him. I would simply explain to him that your parents are the ones hosting this event, and that means that they ultimately get to determine what and where they are willing/able to have it. It's absurd to expect them to make the wedding more difficult to plan and more expensive so that he doesn't have to ask his friends to drive a couple of hours. I also know that if I really wanted to get married in my hometown and then my fiance convinced me to "compromise" and have the wedding in a neutral location where I didn't really want to have it and that had no special meaning to me so that he could accommodate his friends, my parents would be very upset and it would create friction, whether they verbalized that to me or not. It's just not the tone I'd want to set going into our marriage.

This is your wedding. Not just a party. It should be in a place that's special and has meaning to you. It's not about choosing the most convenient place for your friends.

Lisa50 · March 2012

How about this? Can you and your fiance afford to pay for the wedding without your parents' help? That will give you tremendous freedom to plan the exact wedding you and your fiance really want to have. Independence is a good thing.

Congratulations on your engagement!

RyansBelovedBride · March 2012

Okay.... So your families live about three hours or less apart (3 if they came through Atlanta) and both to the North, but one to the east and one to the west...

What is north of Atlanta?

The mountains!

So why don't you get out a roadmap of Georgia and your phones to mapquest/google map travel from each parent's place to the proposed middle ground? Pick somewhere more NORTH than northeast or west, and it'd still be closer to each of your parent's place then Atlanta!

evanquil · March 2012

Our wedding is in Milwaukee, but my FI's family lives in the St. Louis area. But they believe in the tradition of getting married in the bride's hometown.

I am also attending a wedding this summer in Seattle where the bride and her parents are from but literally everyone else is from Wisconsin and Michigan.

I honestly think you need to talk to HIS parents and get their feelings on things. In your post you said what your parents feel and how your FI feels, but you never said anything about how your FI's family feels which leads me to believe that you haven't talked to them yet.

MiksChick23 · March 2012

I had the same problem...like, exact same, except families were 3.5 hours away, but 1.5 from each other. The whole "its not fair that my family has to travel when yours doesn't" is pretty sorry. If they want to be there, they will be. If FI's family won't make a short trip to attend your wedding, then why would you want to pay for them to eat anyway? Even people who live in the same town as the wedding may say no to the RSVP. It is what it is.

My FI also said a neutral locatoin would be best. Goes to show how little they know! Why get married in place with no ties to either of you and where you know nothing about vendors or locations? Ugh!

We decided to have our wedding here, where we live, because it was much, much easier to plan. But, I kind of have the opposite problem as it is CHEAPER to get married here than where our parents live. Plus, we are paying for our own wedding though, so parents opinions didn't have as much weight. In your case, he who pays has the final say.

You've only been engaged for...3 days? So give it a little time. Have him think about it. Give him your thoughts on the subject and let him stew over it. Mine pretty much said, "not having it in your town, not having it here" and after I kindly explained to him that he wasn't being very compromising, we agreed to make it "fair" by having it here. The worst thing you can do is turn something exciting into a fight...

lizzgriz · March 2012

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and words of wisdom. You're correct evanquil. I have not talked to his parents yet. His parents actually live out of state, so no matter where we have the wedding, they will have to travel. The only reason I'd like to decide on a location/venue soon is because October in the mountains is a very popular time to get married. Venues are already booked for this October and they're starting to get booked for October of 2013!

I know everything will work out. My fiance and I discussed this at length and I told him that first and foremost, I want us to get married where WE want to, forgetting everything else about people traveling, etc. Second, I thought it was important to pick a place that will be easy to coordinate all the other details, like using vendors we already know, etc. It will cut costs down and we won't get stressed out having to choose between vendors we don't know anything about in an area we're not familiar with.

If travel is still an issue with him, I'm fine with moving the location further west (toward the north center of Georgia) to compromise. I don't want his family and friends to think that it's all about me, because it's not. And my fiance doesn't even know if that's how they feel, but that's really where his concern is coming from. It's our wedding and we both deserve to be happy with our decisions. If we move the wedding further west from my hometown, it will mean that everyone has to travel, and some of my family friends from my hometown may not come, but that's okay. The people who are important to us and the people who want to be there will be there. And in the end, that's all that matters.

I don't see this as being a big fight with us. I think we both want the same thing, we just have different concerns that's making it difficult to decide on a location. Even though we don't have a place decided on yet, I know we'll find one and it will be beautiful! I'm very excited to be planning my wedding and I'm even more excited to be marrying my best friend and sharing that moment with our friends and family!

calindi · March 2012

lizz, it sounds like you're being very logical about it all. Unfortunately, this is something you and your FI have to work out together.

Let me tell you that finding vendors isn't that hard overall. So find venues between your parents' homes that work for you guys, and go from there. If you find the perfect venue a little closer to his parents than yours, then fine. Seriously, 1.5 hours is really not that far for anyone to have to drive. It's not like they'd have to buy plane tickets. Sure, they'd probably want to get a hotel, but it's still close enough that they wouldn't HAVE to if they didn't want to. I know a wedding we went to where the blocked hotel rooms were 1 hour from the reception! Sure, it was in rural Maine, but it does happen.

Talk to your parents, talk to his parents, and then you should sit down with him and make a decision together based on all the interests, and taking into consideration who is paying for things.

If I may say, my FI also does something similar - he imagines objections his parents or family will have, and tries really hard to cater to them and make things easy for them. However, when I actually talk to them about things, they don't care about any of it and are much more flexible than he imagined. So that might be the case for you, too.

For us, our families live at least 2000 miles north of where we live, and 300 miles apart from each other. We're having our wedding 1 hour west of where my praents live, and 4.5 hours south of where his family lives. My parents are paying and doing a lot of the planning, plus it's the venue we loved that was in our budget (we liked one closer to my parents, but this one saved us thousands). So far, not a single member of his family, including a man who is disabled and is uncomfortable in long car rides, complain about the distance or say it's a reason they can't make it.

mcskatcat · March 2012

If you're parents are paying, then they get to have some input on this decision. Personally, it sounds like his relatives won't have to travel more than a few short hours (2?) so I don't see why they wouldn't come.

On the same hand, this is the beginning of your new life together. You need to figure out what works best for everyone, not just say 'Well my parents are footing the bill, so what I/they say goes." You can't pull that card all the time, so finding a way to make you BOTH happy is the best way.

GJones27 · March 2012

I'd consider you guys lucky compared to most couples. Usually, families live much farther apart, and one or both always have to travel. My husband's family had to come all the way from Brazil. It's actually fairly traditional to have the wedding in the bride's hometown, so I personally I don't see anything wrong with that. But if you can find a place in the mountains in between, perhaps all the better.

AurorasEnvy · March 2012

Yeah, PPs have good advice. I'd keep an open mind for now until you research all of your options - who knows, you might find a venue your parents love outside of your hometown!

But I do agree that whoever is hosting (IE, paying for) the wedding - in this case your parents - have a pretty big say in that decision.

vgyurko · March 2012

I would love to have your logistics problem... Fi and I live in Tucson... His family lives in San Francisco mostly and my family lives in NE Pennsylvania... Regardlesss of where we have the wedding someone has to travel... and My family specifically stated that they would not travel more than an hour or two from my hometown for our wedding.... nice of them... huh? Anyway.. my story isn't the issue. Have it wear your most comfortable with and can afford. People will come. An hour or so isn't that bad of a drive. I commute that to work everyday.

Ninanita · March 2012

Is it really about the travel time? As I did not know until my engagement, there is apparently a custom that the wedding should be hosted by the bride's parents in her hometown, no matter how inconvenient. If you want that, that is great and you should work it out with FI. Also, I agree that your parents should not have to pay for the whole wedding if they are not in favour of the location. If FI wants to have it somewhere else, he should try to raise at least half of the funds, so to say.

In my case (which is not the topic here) we wanted to have the wedding where we live and we happen to live much closer to his parents. My family has to travel from overseas and they are extremely mad about it. However, I myself cannot see the wedding there and so wanted it where we live. It created a lot of of resentment and some days I wish we had eloped. I did not know anything about weddings until last Summer, and I have learned already that it is not just about the day, rather does it create in some people memories and unfortunately resentment.
for a life time.
There will be many more decisions like that in your life together . Thinks about holidays, summer vacations (especially with kids), other rites of passage if they are part of your culture etc. It is so difficult to make
You could for example tell FI that you would like the wedding in your parents hometown, but that you are going to spend the next two major holidays after the wedding at his family.
It does sound like bargaining and that is what it is. I dislike this apporach and feel terrible about it. At least your discussion is with FI whose stakes in the wedding are the same as yours. I have to deal with FI, his family, my family, and my familty is not helping me at all, so I ma tuck with guessing what they like and defending it against my future in-laws. I still want my parents to enjoy the wedding..
Nough said, it is hard, and will not be easy after. Merging two families is a big task.

Disagreement on Wedding Location

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